Im struggling to go on....

[saving grace]

I dont know where to begin. My boy that came out on the other side 6 years ago is gone again. He has relapsed on heroin stealing and lying and drugging. Unrecognizable. The suboxone that saved his life 6 years ago saved his life again but not in a good way. He was using heroin and suboxone and the doctors said that if had not had suboxone in his system he would have overdosed with the amount of heroin he was using. We went through all the same **** promises made promises broken over and over. Hospital stays detoxes outpatient programs. Which he only did to try to keep the job that he was losing because of his poor attendance due to being passed out and not waking up to get to work.
I finally had enough. I went to court and filed a section 35 petition to have him put away against his will. 30 days in a state prisons treatment center turned into 3 weeks he took the first bed available in a sober house because it was the only way he could get out. My mistake number 999999. I should have never accepted his phone calls he complained every day that his caseworker wasnt helping him find aftercare treatment i was so relieved that he was willing to go i looked myself. He said im not waiting for a bed i am taking the first one i find i thought if i find the place it will at least be good. Nope. Just a rooming house with a bunch of addicts living together no treatment no rehab. He has done nothing but attack me and blame me and accuse me of everything.
I am barely hanging on at this point. I have no fight left. Therapy isnt helping me. My husband doesnt help my fsmily doesnt help. All i do is fight with him every second of the day. I turn my phone off and the second i turn it on it blows up with texts and calls. I dont know what to do now.

 

[BusynMember]

This is very hard for you or any parent. Many of us have had or do have the same garbage with our kids that you are going through.

As you know, there is NOTHING you can do to stop your son from doing anything. The only help you can give him is moral support if he asks for it. But you still can't make him get back on track. You are only human. Although this is your beloved son, you can't change anything. Think of this: "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

I highly recommend Nar-Anon so you can get real life hands on help and support. You do need to get on with your life in spite of your son because this could go on indefinitely and you DO have a life, other loved ones and friends, hobbies, maybe a job, fun things you like to do...you have LIFE. And 100% of your life is NOT your son. I hope you choose to try as hard as you can, even though it is difficult, to make your life rich and happy. To dwell only on him will not help him and will hurt you. And I'm sure you need your health and mental stability both for your own self and for others who care for you very much. Your six year old needs you to hold it together. And remember this: Our kids are not our lives. We have separate lives from them or else we lose ourselves...I don't want that for you. I'm sure none of us do.

Just as you can't change your son, your husband and your family can not make things better for you. Only YOU can help yourself. Your therapist can't either if you won't allow it and shut down. We all drive our own inner motors and outside forces can not make us better. One person controls every single person on earth and that one person is the person himself/herself. YOU can make things better for you, but you can't make things better for your son. You should in my opinion not allow him to control your life so much and should set boundaries on your contact with him since he is abusive.

Hugs and keep us updated.

 

[Kathy813]

Savinggrace, I agree with MWM. You need to take back the power that you have given your son. There are ways to block texts on cell phones. I can tell you how if you have Sprint. I'm sure other carriers have the same feature. When my daughter's calls were inappropriate, I would send her calls straight to voicemail and block her texts. She got the message very quickly that I would not listen to her if she was going to be abusive or say inappropriate things.

I know how hard this is for you. I don't think you were on the board last year when my daughter overdosed on heroin and my husband found her in the nick of time and did compressions which kept her alive until the EMT's could get to our house. There is nothing more frightening than learning that your beloved child is shooting up heroin.

However, I finally have learned with the help of a therapist that I have to let go and live my life and hope and pray that my difficult child stays sober. She did go to residential treatment and then sober living and claims that she has been clean for 9 months. I don't know if that is true but it really doesn't matter. She is going to do whatever she is going to do and there is nothing I can do to stop her. I finally have come to the point where I realized that I can't let her ruin my life by dragging me down with her.

So start living for you and your husband and easy child. Set boundaries for your difficult child. You will only accept calls and text when they are appropriate and that may mean blocking them for periods of time until he realizes you mean it. Go to Alanon, Naranon, Families Anonymous or see a therapist or do them all. Give up the idea that you can fix things for your son. You can't . . . only he can.

I understand . . . I truly do.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Oh saving grace I am so sorry things have gone so downhill. I agree with Kathy and MWM, I would not take his calls or help him. He needs to help himself at this point. It is the most heartwrenching things to do, but you must let him fall on his own and learn how to get up.

Sending hugs and prayers.

 

[saving grace]

Oh Kathy!! How awful for husband to find her that way but thank the good lord he did!! Im so sorry. I thought i was so strong and had learned how to detach and always said if this ever happened again i would never make the same mistakes. Boy was i wrong. I make excuses. Our lives are so intertwined. His car is in my name. I must change that. However today he hit a gaurdrail sooo now i am pulled back into his mess again. He works at the same place i do. Different department but i have still been humiliated at work due to all the trouble he has been in and the chances they gave him. He returns next week. It seems whenever i take a step forward i get pulled back. Kathy where is difficult child now?? I soooo wanted my boy to go to residential after the treatment center in jail. I let him manipulate me again and didnt push him to stay and wait for a bed. And now he is in "addict motel" as i call it and refuses to go now sigh......

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not Kathy, but when my daughter was using, I did not furnish her with a car. Her only way of driving is when friends let her (dumb of them) and when her brother insanely bought her a car, which she cracked up within three months of his funding it. Hey...I'd warned him.

A drug user is an extremely high risk driver, both to himself and others. I didn't want it on my conscience that I had anything to do with her being on the road. I'm also thinking it's too bad you probably got him a job working at your place of work and maybe he will be let go. That's just another place for the two of you to be too enmeshed, which is mentally lethal for a mother.

I know how scared you must be.For a long time I thought my daughter would end up in jail or dead. I'm really sorry you have to fear this. I still think you need to live your life. Worrying about him 24/7 won't change anything. (((Hugs)))

 

[Kathy813]

My difficult child is living in Florida where the residential treatment center is located. After three months in residential, she went to a halfway house for 3 months and sporadically attended out patient, left with a friend, had the friend steal her rent money and asked us for help because she had nowhere to live. We stuck to our guns about only helping her if she was in either rehab or a halfway house so she is now living in a different halfway house where we match what she pays in rent. She is working full time and seems to be doing well.

She really wants to come back to Atlanta but we have told her that we will never let her live with us again. So if she wants to move back to Atlanta, she needs to save up enough money to get an apartment and live on until she finds a full time job up here. Since she is barely making enough to pay her bills and rent, she will have to stay in Florida for a while. Her ultimate goal is to go back to school and become a teacher.

~Kathy

 

[saving grace]

That didnt last long. He got kicked out of the sober house for using . Im at a loss right now. Ive been in bed all day I know its wrong i know i should have more strength but today i just dont.

 

[BusynMember]

It is ok to be be so upset that you spent the day in bed. It is beyond devestating to see our beloved children self-destruct, hear them blame us for it, and wonder how we can fix them. And it takes a while to realize that we can't. It's ok to have to take our time accepting this.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. I hope you do get out of bed because there are other people who need and love you and you need to stay as healthy as you can for them and for yourself. Hugs!!!!

 

[DDD]

I am sending caring and supportive thoughts your way. I'm so sorry you are back on the rollercoaster. Hugs DDD

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry but not surprised. You have done all that you can, Grace. It is time to let him go and be there when and if he is back in rehab or sober living.

~Kathy

 

[FlowerGarden]

You've gotten wonderful advice from the posters before me. I'd like to add, maybe you might want to consider anti anxiety/depressant medication. It has helped me to cope better. Hugs to you.