Im the worst

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by barbie, Jul 7, 2008.

  1. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    Maybe Im approaching him wrong, Maybe I dont really understand regardless of how much I have read. Eric challenges me everyday, every single moment he is awake is a battle. He is fighting me, he is fighting his sisters, he fights what I ask of him, he fights what I tell him. He wont listen and he talks so loud its constant in my ears. Im at work and I have nightmares of daycares calling me. I'm at work and the days he has to come with me I dread even answering the phone. Most times and most days, I have to remember he's my son and I love him, even if most of the time I dont like him. I keep waiting for social security to say oh no, he doesnt qualify. I told his worker, if he is denied I would purposely take a day off, and sit in their office with Eric not taking his clonidine, and sit there and not do a single thing to stop him. Then they can tell me, that his condition doesnt affect his everyday life. I have to sacrifice taking out my girls, cause noone will stay with him. By all accounts everyone keeps telling me to have him baker acted and have them figure out what needs to be done and what his diagnosis is. I already know the diagnosis, it doesnt make life any easier. Eric is mildly allergic to wheat and gluten, and because he's so little I am considering having him checked for celiac disease, but i dont want to cause I dont think I cant handle another diagnosis. I feel guilty because he needs so much attention and Im usually in a bad mood and my daughters get less attention and me this great big old ball of mean, just barking out rules all the time.

    Jeez, am I the worst mom ever? I feel like it, I mean what kind of mom doesnt like her kid? I'm angry, why, why Eric? His pregnancy from the beginning was different.
  2. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I understand what you mean - you can love your child with all your heart but you don't necessarily like him all the time. Although there are times he melts your heart, there are also times where he cuts your heart to ribbons.

    If one more diagnosis is too much to cope with, maybe consider just trying a strict celiac diet for some time (weeks, not days) to see how he reacts. Some children with celiac have behavior problems that are related to the celiac and improve on the appropriate diet.

    It's ok to be angry. When difficult child was little and things were bad and I had tons of different opinions from different clinicians but no solutions, I just listened to the Stones' 'Paint It Black' and seethed. And grieved. I still grieve. But now I spend less time thinking about how things should be or how I wish they were, and more time dealing with what is. Maybe I'm slowly growing psychological calluses.
  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    It's a tough calling being a mom of a difficult little one.

    If there's a university nearby, see if you can get a student from the pyschology or special education who would be interested in babysitting. Some parents find good help that way. You also might want to consider hiring a high school or college girl to take your daughters out if you seriously can't leave him.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Ok, put away the wet noodle. You are SO in the right place! If you were to take a poll on this site about whether or not people have disliked their child, you'd be shocked at all of the "ayes" vs. "nays"!

    They DO drive you nuts, and there are times where I thought that an exorcism was more in line than medications, but it's just the way they're wired.

    Check into different organizations (we have Community Resources here) that can help with respite care, clubs, activities, etc. Also see if you have any Autistic organizations that are in your neck of the woods. These are all full of local people who have been there done that and can point you in specific directions.

    If you'd like, pm me with your town and state and I'll see if I can help you track some down.

    Don't despair! We're here for you and you truly aren't a horrible mom for feeling like you do. You're just human. Just like the rest of us!


  5. Diabolique

    Diabolique New Member

    Hi, barbiealonso --

    I wish I had sage words of advice for you, but it sounds like you and I are in the same boat with our sons. My son hasn't been evaluated yet, I'm in the process of working that out. I have realized that I need to get myself together first -- right now I'm so depressed and have so little control over my emotions that I need to get myself on more stable ground before I can help my son. I am going in this morning to talk to a psychiatrist and start the process of gluing myelf back together again so that I am able to do what I need to do to help Noah. I will also be scheduling my son at the same facility to see if we can begin to figure out what's wrong with my son.

    I know what you mean about "not liking" your son; I am right there with you. I love my son, he is the air I breathe and I would take a bullet to save a hair on his head. However, there are times when I don't like him very much and that really makes me feel awful. I live on guilt. I eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I snack on it between meals. My son also doesn't listen and he fights me on literally everything. I don't even know how many meltdowns I endured yesterday and I feel like I cannot do anything to please this child. He says horrible things to me on a daily basis. I can't take him anywhere anymore because I can't stand him having meltdowns in public and hearing people say things like That kid needs a good smack upside the head. When I try to take him to the park, there are parents who load their kids up in the car when they see my son coming because they've been at the park when we've been there before. They would rather take their own kids out of the park than be there when my son is there. It's awful. Noah is forever running around the house tormenting our 3 dogs and it's a wonder that he has not been seriously injured by any of them because he is just relentless. My son is so loud that my ears are constantly ringing and nothing I've tried succeeds in getting him to lower his voice. And, he talks (yells, really) constantly. Like you, I cannot have phone conversations when he is around...and forget having a conversation with his father when we are all home. Impossible. I am engaged in battle all the time and am so worn down that I'm barely functioning. I know how you feel. We can love them with everything we have and still not like them very much at times.

    I highly doubt that you are the worst mother in the world (maybe I am? lol). You are here because you are seeking help and advice, which the worst mother in the world wouldn't do. The worst mother in the world might hop in the car and just bail out when the going gets tough, and you're not doing that. Take some small comfort in the fact that you are working hard to find answers and possible solutions. We can only ever do the best we can do at any given moment. Some moments are better than others and it's hard (impossible, maybe) to be on top of our parenting game 100% of the time. I think that would be the case even if we were parenting "typical" kids.

    Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that's easier said than done... I struggle with it myself.

    As I said, I wish I had sage words for you, but I don't. From one beat up mom to another, I hope that we can both find the answers we're hoping to find. In the meantime, I send you {{{{hugs}}}}. You're not alone.
  6. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    It is somewhat comforting to know we all love them but dont necessarily like them all of the time. I feel guilty. I am in the medical field as a medical assistant, Im supposed to know more about these things, and I dont, I know in my head that he can't behave good and its not ecause he doesnt want to, he just can't his brain wont let him. In my heart I cry and cry firstly, his father who isnt involved and never has been in our last yelling match has the cojones to tell me, Eric just needs more discipline. You can imagine how the rest of that convo went. People look at him and they are like but he looks okay, he is differently abled, not disabled. I've been very very single for the last four years, and cause with my income alone I wouldnt make it, i split a house with my mom who is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with cleaning, and I couldnt care less if there is a mess. Its not dirty, just messy, I dont care. She wont stay with Eric for me and the girls to have a girly day out cause she can't handle him, and the babysitter forget it, I'd get called after 10 minutes and the first headbut. I do have the two older girls, not much older than Eric he is 4, Danae is 5 and Linda is 6. The girls have ADHD, and Danae probably a little more than that, and they dont get it either. Why can't I take them to the park cause they'd run away and Eric doesnt like the feel of grass or sand for that matter. I do on occasion take them to WDW magic Kingdom cause I have seasonal passes, but I struggle with them, all I do is scream. I scream all the time, talking stopped working a long time ago. I cant have a decent crying fit cause they dont stop fighting long enough to let me take a break. I havent peed alone in 6 years. Parenting these kids didnt come with a manual, and I feel like a one man army. I dont get child support, I dont any help from their dads. The girls their dad is in jail has been there sine 2002 and doesnt get out til 2012. I feel trapped and isolated and I wanna run awyay from hime, but my mom says she would hunt me down. I just need to vent.