I'm tired of her, sooo tired of her

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gieseler4, Mar 17, 2008.

  1. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    Jess won't go to school today for the first 2 periods becouse of yet another reason. Last week she was sick for yet something else and the week before that it was another reason. I keep telling her that her grades are going down, she says there not, then I tell her I'm going to get in trouble with the school system because I'm the adult and I'm responsible for makeing her go in. But she is convinced that its not going to affect me (yea right), this morning I went into her room and in my own temper tamtrum told her that if she keep takeing all these days off I would not pay for anything for her up coming junior prom. Thats when she said it didn't matter, in 3 months shes moveing out (we will see she dosn't have a job.) But heres the thing about a year ago I went to a teen parenting class and you are always to make them due what you say, but you can't grab them by the arm and drag them into the shower or to school. BTY its not a friend issue, I just need any help, thanks, Jackie
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    My first question would be "why doesn't she want to go to school?"
    Then help her problem solve and talk to her about how when she is on her own she can't call in sick just because she wants to. I had to finally tell difficult child that he can only call in sick if he is hallucinating with a fever or throwing up on the floor. Everything else requires adults to deal with it and go to work, even PMS. No excuses are tolerated in the real world. You want to eat? You work.

    Is this new behavior or typical behavior?
    Where is she moving to and with whom? How is she paying for it?

    I would either call the school and ask for suggestions or the truancy police if your community has one.
    You can't physically drag her but if she has plans to get a car or some other big item then tie it to school attendance. Maybe it's "grounded for the weekend if didn't attend school all 5 days" or something along those lines.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well, you can let it go and not bring it up again. Or you can call the school and report her as truant. Or maybe you need to call the police to report her as truant.

    I would drug test her. Just a hunch, but it often goes with this, at least from what I see on the board. There are over the counter drug tests, also, at least here, the pediatrician will do a drug test. If you take her to the doctor, ask them to get a sample for a urinary tract infection - or make sure they tell HER that. THEN have them run the drug test.

    She is 17. Her grades should be her problem. If she won't go, then of course nothing should be paid for prom or ANY extracurricular.

    Do you have a list of house rules and the consequences?? Is not going to school on the list? If not, add it. Your house, your rules, you can change them anytime.

    Any chance she is pregnant? Yet another thing the doctor can test for from a urine sample.

    I don't know the best way to go. I would make sure all extras above used clothing 2 times a year, food (nutritious, NOT what she likes), and a room with a mattress are all she has. IF you want to pull out the big guns, that is. This is what foster kids get, so it must be OK.


  4. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    Thank you Fran and Susie,
    As far as the school thing goes I know that she says the classes are a lot harder this year then they were last year and thats why her grades lower, I say thats (b.s). Because she never does homework, and is to busy with friends to worry about school. I have offered tutors and extra help, but in the end I think its really up to Jess. And the moving out I have no idea where she thinks shes going, shes 17 now but shes still a junior in high school. I find it hard to believe that any of her friends parents would take her in and since till now she has never had a job (although she has to get one now, last week she was driveing her friends car while her friend and the boy were in the back seat makeing out, she got stoped speeding doing 78 in a 55 on a highway.) So shes not aloud to drive my car til she pays off the speeding ticket and driving class, and after that she will never be able to go to school and work at the same time. Fran, I like your idea about how when your sick you can't just keep takeing days off, I will try to talk with her. And Susie, thanks for your ideas as well, but I know shes not pregent (thank god) and I know its not drugs although I have made it clear to her that if I ever suspected drug use I would test her. If she does somehow find a family to take her in and feel sorry for her, the why she feels sorry for her self every one in the house will need a bottle of prozac.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    17 is a rough age! (who am I kidding, ALL teen years are rough).

    I think that Fran and Susie made some good points. Even if you know the answers, ask her why she does not want to go to school. It opens the door to conversation, and teens need their parents to communicate with them (even if they deny it).

    Also, it may be a good idea to drug test just in case. I did drugs for years before my mom suspected a thing. Even if you decide not to do it now, keep the idea on the back burner. And keep and eye out.
  6. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    My first thought as well was is there a reason she doesn't want to go to school for those periods. You might want to get a copy of the truancy laws in your area just to show her that yes, it will affect you.

    With my difficult child and school, there were reasons he hated school, but like he was told it's the law, you have to go to school. In the end the only thing that worked was if he didn't go, from 9 - 5 he did nothing but sit on his bed, unless it was school work pages. So in the end he found being at home worse than if he went to school. So I got him there, the rest was up to the teachers. Don't know if this would work for a 17 year old, harder to enforse as they get older and bigger than you. I would say that I agree with no prom, and no anything really than the essentials, if she's not doing her "job" which at her age is going to school. And like Fran, the only time he gets to call in sick is if something is coming out of one end or the other.

    If she seriously thinks she's moving out in 3 months, you might want to call around to various places that will hire 18 years olds without high school diplomas, the kinds of places where they say "you want fries with that" and see what wages are. Then list how much she'd make, what the average she needs to pay in rent, utilities, food, transportation, clothing, furnishings etc - and maybe she'll see how her wage will not cover what she needs, let alone what she wants. It might be a bit of an eye-opener on the real world and how good she really has it at home.
  7. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    To them it seems all about getting out - out of school, out of the house. My son spouted off one time about moving out and living with another family. Grass is always greener on the other side dontcha know -

    I told him go ahead - and when it comes time to dish out money for the clothes he wants and youth trips he wants to go on see how far he gets.

    Of course my son is only 14 but it did make him think and reconsider.

    All the advice you got on the school issue seems good to me. Fortunately my son has not had or gotten to that stage yet. He doesn't like to miss school because he hates the make up work.

    Hang in there.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter loathed school. She was bullied and teased constantly. I pretty much had resigned myself that she would drop out when she was 18, which is what happened. However, until she was 18, she had to go to school. If I found out she hadn't, home was not a place she wanted to be -- there were be her bed, her school books and homework assignments and her desk (which had been moved into the middle of the living room so that I could see it from wherever I was). She was allowed to do schoolwork. Otherwise, she could sit on her bed and be bored. If she left the house without permission, she was reported as a runaway, the names of all of her friends were given to the police and the police would happily stop by their homes to see if she was there. It pretty much made their homes unaccessible. Parents might feel sorry for a kid who gave a sob story but they certainly didn't want to explain the police at their home at odd hours.

    At 17, there is no way I would be paying for my daughter's prom unless her grades were at least a C average. As to driving, no way without a B average and if she had gotten a ticket that was the end of the car period. She was on my insurance, I refused to pay for a teen with a bad driving record and I insisted there be the good student discount. Mine couldn't do the B average, so didn't learn to drive until she was 19.

    While you're sure she isn't doing drugs, it wouldn't hurt to test her. If she objects, you can tell her you're left with no choice since she won't get up and go to school and this is a classic sign of drug use. Hopefully, the test will be negative but do get a test that covers as much as possible -- from marijuana to meth and everything in between.

    I wish you luck. This age is no fun. An 18 YO with still a year of school to go is downright difficult. They are legally adults but have the responsibiities of a minor. Some handle it well, most don't.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I forgot but when difficult child was 16 and fighting everyday about going to school, I finally just gave up. I told him to quit. I couldn't keep doing this.

    Of course, in true difficult child style and a very indignant tone said "I don't want to be a drop out!!!" Go figure. Once I stopped fighting with him and was clear it was school or work full time he went. I just let go.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    In our state the parents DO get hauled into court for the excessive absenteeism of their children. The fines are ridiculous and the penalties are severe.

    And as far as your not paying for the prom. Stick to it. As far as her moving out - write up a contract - give her a deadline to get out - and stick to it. If she said 3 months from today? That's June 17 - and see ya.

    I think the drug test would be a reasonable request since like Meow said - chronic absenteeism is indicative of drug use. Just be prepared because if she does test positive you want to know what you'll say before hand. If she isnt' positive - then no apologies.

    I would give her a choice - either go to school every day unless sick (which was our rule and we defined 'sick' also) or you will make an appointment with her guidance counselor and see if you can arrange it with the school the unless you call her in sick - she may not attend the prom.

  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    A caution: I was talking to another parent today and apparently she was required to make her child go to school for the entire senior year even though the child was 18 BEFORE the year began. The daughter moved out, but still lived in town. She went for a couple of months, then stopped. MOM got cited.

    Be sure what the rules are for 18yo's finishing school. Another district here requires all students NOT in their senior year to attend an alternative school when they turn 18. Only exception is those with mental retardation, IEP's and no violence, AND living at home. The district says it is because the 18yo's can sign themselves out sick, etc.. and often do, so it is best they go to alternative school. No matter if they started late, or what the reason is that they turned 18 before senior year starts.

    It is strange all the ways the schools find to make the rules. Jsut be sure that YOU are protected, then that your daughter is attending - kinda like putting your air mask on, then your kid's on a plane.

  12. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    Thanks to every one and all their advice, I'm not sure where I would be right now if I didn't ask the board this morning. I was at the end of my rope, because this has been a all year thing with her. She claims shes sick every time, could be, cramps, lower intestine problems or miagrains you name it, and when I say you have no proof of being sick she will say its not my problem that I have a low immune system. But when she gets home I think we will sit down and together write up a contract about school and hope this works. Jackie
  13. emma123

    emma123 New Member

  14. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    OMG, talk about getting taken advantage of, today I had to take my middle son to the hospital for more medical stuff. So I called Jess at about 10am just to make sure she got to school on time, knowing the cr*p she's been putting me through I just wanted to make sure she got there. Guess what according to Jess, one of her friends that morning got kicked out of the house for skipping school to many times, let me say it again OMG ( I think she must be living in a different world then me, because I pointed out to her that I was beyond ****** off that she skipped school to consol a friend.) So, as I sit here typing this up the school calls to find out why Jess isn't in school today, what can I say. Jess calls 10 mins later for some reason, can't remember now, but she tells me that the schools wrong and that after I yelled at her this morning she went back to school. Well to be honest these days I'm not believeing a whole lot of what she is telling me, so I said go directly to the office after class and get a note from the office. Because, if you come home with out a note from school I'm dropping you off my car insurance and heres why, to skip school is one thing to tell me you went to school and you didn't makes you a even bigger lier and I don't think someone like that is responsable to drive a car. Any thougts or ideas, Jackie
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wouldn't drop the insurance (that can come back on you - BIG TIME), but I sure would take the keys.

    In my house, driving is a privilage for responsible people. Lying to the car provider certainly doesn't seem like a responsible choice.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    No way would I drop her from your insurance -- puts you at too much risk. I would, however, not be letting her drive. No state has a law that driving is a right -- it is a privilege, which is why the courts can revoke licenses without attorneys and all civil rights being given to the defendant.

    I've never lied to the schools. If I didn't feel she was ill or had an appointment she needed to keep or some other reason I felt was valid, I would call the school and say it was unexcused. Her school district had some pretty stiff penalties for truancy -- the fines against parents could be exorbitant, running into the thousands. However, I found that if you could show you had made a valid effort to get your child to school, the penalties would go to your child. My daughter had to do 100 hours of community service, write a 10-page essay on the importance of attending school (and receive no lower than a C from her English teacher) and pay $100 out of her own pocket for cutting classes. I don't know why, but she only had one unexcused absence after that.

    Do remember, you have to provide shelter, clothing and food to your child. The law does not say that has to be good shelter, name-brand clothing and more than bland food. If your daughter is not willing to follow house rules, is not willing to do the basics (to me, going to school is a basic!), then it is time to pull out some of your arsenal to wake her up. Your arsenal consists of denying of privileges -- car, rides, computer, phone, music, all the "good" stuff.

    Good luck. Getting our almost adults to follow the rules is hard. Allowing them to break them does them a disservice. Like it or not, life is made of rules and not all of them are fair.
  17. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    Yesterday was a bad day :(. I made it clear that even though the speeding ticket was in her friends car she still wasn't allowed to drive my car till the ticket was paid off. So as soon as she gets home she is all over me like (white on rice) why can't I drive the car, which we argue about for awhile (her point, I wasn't speeding in your car). Which then turns into how am I supposed get a job with no car, which I point out that I have no problem driveing her to get appiacations and to a job should she get one. Which slowly turns into traffic court up here in our town my not get to her for about a year, so just how long do I have a right to take a car from her which ( and this is where if I ever was going to smack her, which I won't but if I would this is when I would.) My dad, her grandpa baught a car for me 2 years ago when my last car broke down because I'm a single parent and would never be able to buy any other way now, but I still pay him. So she says its really all our car not just yours you have no right to tell me when I can or can't drive it. By the way were starting to yell now, and she is maybe a inch from my face almost challenging me, she says, I don't know if she's telling the truth but she grabbed my hair hard pulled back I got up push her back and said hands off. And she looks at me and says it was a acciadent that I grabed your hair, but oh, if you push me again I'm calling the cops. So a hafe hour later, I'm in tears and I just can't deal with her she is so disrespectful and mean and will only be nice if she gets what she wants. And in the end like the loser I feel like every time she wins the battle I ended up giving her the keys to go get applications. by the way, this is a first to, after she left my two youner boys came out of the bedroom and asked when she was going to leave already. Because in the past they use to think that maybe Jess was right that I nagged her to much. But, also its not drug use and alcohol use just who knows :(. Jackie Thanks I had to shed a few tears.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Not to add insult to injury, but if this is the norm, she will always treat you like this. She has been trained that if she just wears you down long enough, you will give in. You have created that monster.

    Next time, let her call the cops. They will side with you. Better yet, do not engage in the fight with her. Tell her "this is how it is" and walk away. Lock yourself in your room. Take the younger kids out for a ride in the car (YOUR car). Stand up for yourself.

    YOU are the mom.
  19. Sacredmoon51

    Sacredmoon51 New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this board and like the mother above, I am so tired of my daughter just so tired. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in July 2007 and ODD. She attempted suicide in November 2007 by taking an overdose of the antidepressant Effexor. After having a grand mal siezure in the ER she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where she remained for 15 days. She is currently prescribed Trileptal and Seroquel for her Bipolar Disorder. She has been in therapy since July 2007 and it is not doing well as she does not tell the truth, is uncooperative and will not accept responsibility for her behavior. She is doing poorly in school and from what I have learned recently she may be failing or nearly failing three of her classes.

    She lies all the time and cannot be trusted to sleep at a friends house. She will sneak out of the house when the parents are sleeping and God only knows what could happen to her or what she has done when she was out. In August 2007 she slept at a friends house and without my permission went to another friends house where there was a birthday party. The father of the girl who by the way is 40 years old gave the kids at the party liquor and marijuana. My daughter became very intoxicated and began making out with a seventeen year old high school boy. After passing out on the couch she claims this same boy climbed on top of her and sexually assaulted her. The police were notified while she was in the hospital and an investigation remains in progress. My daughter has also been dignosed as hyper sexual, she has been provocative at school with male teachers this year as well as with boys in her school, was caught making out with a boy in the hall at school in sixth grade and in seventh grade she was caught oustide of a school dance making out with an eight grade boy.

    Despite all those difficulties, she is verbally abusive toward me and although it started out with her telling me I am annoying her verbal attacks are escalating. A few times she has deliberately used her body to knock into me and I have warned her that should she ever overtly hit me I will call the police. What is so awful for me is that I don't like being around her and may times I feel I hate my own child. I did not have this problem with my two older children and I am not really sure what to do anymore. I withdraw privileges but that seems to have no effect on her. I cannot trust her to go out with her friends so I am really at a loss. Maybe someone can give me ideas what to do when she acts out, has these temper trantrums and gets verbally abusive. I am really at my wits end.
  20. gieseler4

    gieseler4 New Member

    Hello Secredmoon, First off, I here your pain I'm there myself. Our kids differ in some ways but are very much the same in other ways as well, Jess has never been a problem sexualy, thank god, its probably the only break with her lately. Althought she has snuck off in the middle of the night a couple of times, which when I woke and she was gone I freaked out. There was one time in particular that stands out that sounds like your story, One of Jess's friends was staying over, they asked if they could go to a friends house overnight instend of mine. I said it would be fine if this girls father o.ked it, they were on the phone talking to him, or thats what I though they were doing they hung up before I could talk to him. I believed them when they said he o.k.ed it (I'm not that stupid any more) anyway I got a hold of them a couple hours later and made them come back here after I apologized to the father for not talking to him first. But hold on now thats not the worst part (here it comes) later after there back and I've yelled a little we all go to bed, the next morning the girl is gone so I ask Jess when did she leave. Jess says, well actually once you fell asleep we left again, and went to a party, but the mon and dad were there so it was ok. I was looking at her in tears, thinking oh my god, how am I ever going to trust her again. About 10am that morning the cops called to tell me they raided the party that Jess and the girl were at, they had no proff that Jess was there because as soon as they showed up tons of kids ran everywhere. But the girl that went with Jess, she was so drunk on the floor that not only could she not stand up, but she was'nt even wherein the same clothes any more. The house where the party was at, the mom and dad were there the dad was passed out drunk on the couch and the mom was drinking and smokeing with the kids. by the way, both the mom and dad that had the party at their house went to court but I don't remember what there sentence was, but anyway Jess and I both went in the the sheriffs office to talk about what happened. So I'm right in there with you, Jackie