In 23 years, nothing has changed, yet he continues to hope.

[Shari]

difficult child 1 is home on leave and has decided he wants to visit his bio mom. It happens every few years, he renews contact, things go well for a bit, and then she pulls her old stuff and it falls apart. Well, he wants to go visit today.

His wife is absolutely mortified at the idea and has refused to go. I cant say I blame her, she was not even a half-way decent parent to difficult child 1 when he lived with her. Locking him in cars, exposing him to drugs and prostitution...no, I can't blame her. Bio mom has cleaned up, but its still not good by any means. The cycle continues, the kids are in and out of foster care, running away from home, calling the cops on their mother, or vice versa. So while it seems they are "clean"? They don't seem to be much closer to functional.

So...difficult child 1 and his wife and son are 5 miles away from his bio mother's house. Bio mother's family is waiting on them. Currently, wife is refusing to go and refusing to allow him to take the baby. She wants my advice, and I can't give it, because it won't help.

(fwiw? The visit today would be the easy part. It will be the continued contact. The expectation that they provide a place for them to stay whenever. The midnight phonecalls to take a sibling that's called the cops on mom again, etc...that's what I fear for them. That's what's been in the past. Just this last Christmas, 2 of the siblings tried to get money from difficult child 1...)

And its supposed to be easier when they're grown? My heart breaks for both of them. This is one hope difficult child 1 just can't let go of - that some day his bio mom can be something to him. Poor boy.

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) Yes, ALL kids want (and deserve) "a mom". Unfortunately not all of them get a decent one, but they still hope and hope and hope.

My BFF sank into deep depression after her alcoholic mom died. While the woman was alive, BFF was still able to HOPE that someday they could have a decent relationship, but once she died, that hope died with her. BFF was in her late 20s at the time.

Sounds more like wife is looking for validation, than advice. She's using her head and being smart, so I really see nothing wrong with you validating the fact that it's OK for her not to go and CERTAINLY OK for her not to allow the baby to go. If difficult child wants to "try again" he's got to do it on his own. As much as his wife doesn't want HIM to open himself up to the heartache, he does have to go through this process to find his own acceptance of things as they are.

 

[Shari]

Oh yes, I told her that I felt her stance was perfectly acceptable. I also assured her the woman is not a monster - if she chose to go, it would not make for an awful afternoon. It's the aftermath that concerns me. And the roller coaster it puts difficult child right back on.
But I also told her I couldn't tell him not to go. I've never kept him from his mother and never will. And I always hope right along with them that this time will be different.

 

[Hound dog]

It can be so hard for a kid to learn to accept a parent for the person they are.

It took me many years to accept that my mom couldn't be the type of parent I wanted due to the mental illness and other issues she had, and to be ok with it. When I let go of the false expectations I was freer and much happier than I'd ever been. My sibs have yet to reach this point, although one sister is getting close.

I hope this visit doesn't cause horrific backlash.

((hugs))

 

[AnnieO]

This is the one thing that simultaneously terrified and was a hope, for the kids' bio, till a few weeks ago - that they could grow up, then have a healthy relationship with her.

And the biggest sadness I have, now... That chance is gone forever.

I wish difficult child 1 could have that... But I totally understand his wife's stance. And he needs to respect that. Pictures would be good enough.

 

[keista]

And the biggest sadness I have, now... That chance is gone forever.

That chance is gone, but chances are it wasn't going to happen anyway. Just like it's not happening for Shari's difficult child. Sometimes that hope can be as painful/difficult as all hope lost. Either way it's very tricky 'forcing' someone into acceptance.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I've watched my girls give their dad a chance over and over, especially Youngest. It's a repeating cycle. They reach out tentatively, open the lines of communication, maybe even go visit him (he lives about an hour away), and then it blows up in their face again as he first begins to break promises, and then ultimately verbally attacks them, and insinuates that the lack of a relationship is their fault because of how messed up they are. The last time Youngest reached out, when it blew up, he told her he'd only been talking to her again because he wanted to have a relationship with the grandkids.. not her, them. She told him she was done, and she'd never expose them to his irrational and unpredictable behavior becuase he'd hurt her enough, and she wouldn't let him do it to them. Good for her. Of course, I'll bet she'll try again eventually. It's hard to accept that one of your parents will never been who you want them to be.

Both my girls want a dad so badly.. their dad. I think it's definitely affected their choices in men, unfortunately.

 

[Shari]

difficult child 1 has come to terms with things with his father. They talk, but not much, and it doesn't weigh him down like his mom does. But, even when I was married to his dad, his dad had very little to do with difficult child. VERY little. And then, when his dad left, I think difficult child was about 13, and voluntarily left difficult child with me...(I was prepared to fight for him, but I didn't have to)...dad continued to live very close. He drove by our house nearly every day, but never stopped in. It was very visible that his dad's absence was by his dad's choice.
Although difficult child's mom doesn't live far away (she has never lived more than 40 miles away from us - usually about 15), she wasn't "right here" where he could watch her ignore him like he did his dad. So that hope still lives for his mom, and my heart just breaks for him.
While you know they have to come to terms on their own with things like this, it doesn't stop you from wishing you could just wave that wand and make it all better.

 

[DammitJanet]

I feel so bad for him. Jamie just asked me yesterday about you guys...how funny you posted he is home. Tell difficult child 1 that Jamie is thinking about him and gives him a shout out. (they dont do hugs...lol)

 

[Shari]

He keeps saying "giddyap" and "peace out". Makes me feel so old! lol Oh well.

I will tell him, thanks. He's had a good time, but has mostly been a bit distant, but I expected that. Tonight, they went out barhopping with friends, and called me to go pick them up. When I dropped him off and everyone was gone, he thanked me, and I asked if he had a good time. He got back in the truck and for just a brief moment, all that protective armor went away. Didn't last long, but for 45 seconds, my difficult child was in that truck with me.

Just for kicks, I looked up his BM on the public record. She served jail time in 09 and May of 10 and is on 2 years probation for wreckless driving (she was drunk or high), and for assault on her daughter. There is still a restraining order protecting the daughter. Family services took at least some of the kids again in 09 and she was ordered to pay child support. So, obviously, things haven't changed much. I had hoped my search would turn up nothing. :-(

 

[Hound dog]

Shari

I think it's so much harder to let go of the mom figure than the father figure because if you stop and think about it the mom figure is supposed to be the center of your universe for a very long time. When that doesn't happen for a variety of reasons, the child puts the blame onto themselves........something is faulty with them, otherwise mom would be different, act different, feel different toward them. That is an enormous mountain to get over.

My brother gave up his two eldest daughters to adoption when he was very young after his first wife attempted to kill them because at the time caring for them was overwhelming. He had a close relationship with the adoptive family for many many years. His first wife sat in prison for many many years, where she belonged. (personally after trying to kill 6 kids I'd say she should've never gotten out) A year or two after their biomom got out........the girls were in their late teens, and they reached out and made contact with her. My bro, who had backed off by then because the adoptive parents had said it was making parenting too complicated, was deeply hurt because neither girl has contacted him to this day. It cuts deeper because they reached out to the very person that tried to kill them instead of to the loving parent who adored them. I explained the mom deal to him, that I believe it's a very basic fundamental need we have to connect with our mothers (even when we shouldn't) until we can see them as individuals outside of the mother role and see them for who they really are. And I added after meeting and attempting to develop a relationship with their totally messed up biomom it probably scared the hades out of them for trying to contact him. He still keeps his contact info current with the adoptive parents.

 

[DammitJanet]

Shari...even if you need to talk, or his wife....Jamie says ya'll can. He can be a pain but he has an ear.