In-home tutor and savior?

[TerryJ2]

I had just hired someone to tutor difficult child at home, and play sports with-him. One-on-one.

Earlier today, difficult child called and asked me to pick him up early. I said yes. He said, "I love you, Mom." Of course, because he was getting his way.


I picked him up and told him that he needed to get off my cell phone so we could talk.
He intended to go straight home and play on the computer. Of course. I told him I had taken the controls away for everything because he was up at 3 a.m. He said I hadn't told him he couldn't have it. huh? He went into our bedroom and snuck out the controller, and he knows that we take everything away at night so he will sleep.
He said I was a liar and he had never promised not to get up in the middle of the night to play games. (I'm sure there's some detailed, fine-tuned Aspie clarity in there but I am not in the mood to find a needle in a haystack.)

Anyway, when I told him about the tutor, he really blew up. Got in my face and yelled "F*** you!" and "To H*ll with THAT! You can't control my life!"
(I can't? Last time I checked, I was your mother.)

Then he tried to goad me by saying that I never did anything as a kid and I didn't have a tutor so he didn't have to have one, and I never did sports or exercised, and blah blah, and I just ignored him.
It was pretty funny. I never exercised? When I was in 5th gr, we had to walk to school (yup, I'm one of THOSE, "When I was your age, I walked in the freezing snow to school every day.") We played outside in the snow and it was a blast. We made forts, had snowball fights, made angel wings, ice skated, and if we were indoors, played indoor sports in the tiny cafeteria. Then we walked home. And shoveled the snow.
The entire time, I was silent.

Oh, and even the TV shows I watched were STUPID!!! He was SO mad!
He said I didn't know him at all, and the only thing I could know for certain was that he absolutely hated my guts.

Alrighty, then.

The guy I hired is someone I met through a mutual writing friend. He wanted a ghost writer for his memoir of growing up during the war in Zimbabwe. (It's fascinating but it's too political ... it should be more personal, since it's told from a child's point of view, and I'm adding lots of details about food, farm life, the British school system, Apartheid, even the fruit bats he was afraid of as a kid, and the sound of helicopters overhead every day when they were in a concentration camp school.)
They're downstairs right now at the DR table. This guy, L, can drive Chris to the YMCA and swim with-him, and even pick him up at school.

This could be the emotional break I needed.
When he was in HS after the war, they were forced at gunpoint to raise their fists in the air and chant slogans for Mugabe. He's not afraid of an ODD 12-yr-old.

I'm sure difficult child will rage the min. he leaves, but at least he's learning something right now, and I'm getting a bit of time to myself.

In an hr, I go to an open house for a nearby Catholic elementary school. difficult child is a square peg in a round hole at his current school and we want to move him.

 

[TerryJ2]

Aargh! The neighbor lady just came by to do a quick ID of another box of panties. Only 1 was hers. That means there's another person involved. And it's something that happened in the last 2 mo's.
Right now, difficult child and L are outside shooting baskets. I am thankful for that, at least.

 

[compassion]

I htinkthat sounds great Terri. I have mostly alwsys homeschooled and a huge advantage is gearing stuff to needs. My difficult child soes very well one on one. I have her in private music lessons. I get her private voeyball lessons. She has always doen best with one person playdates versus big crowds. I think you are on to a grat idea with the sports and if he can coem to your home, that is great. Best of luck. Compassion

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, one more thing.
L was looking through difficult child's upcoming science project and said, "Hey, this was the topic of my Ph.D."

The Effect of the Landfills Program and Industrial Effluent on the Levels of the Selected Trace Heavy Metals in the Waters of the M M R.



Different body of water, same idea. Too funny!

 

[house of cards]

You sure do try everything, I'm tired just reading it, you should feel good about how you are handling this. It does amaze me how similar your difficult child and Major is... you got me wondering if Major might be a bit Aspie as well. I hope he learns to like the time with his tudor/mentor. I was going to suggest that it might have been good to have someone to just be the mentor but thinking it through more, I think it is good he gets to have down time with the same guy that will make him work, and I'm thrilled you get to back off on this one area, so you can concentrate on any of the other areas that need to be dealt with.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you.
Now I have to go out and make some money to pay for all this ...

 

[Ropefree]

tutors do help. I was thinking today that parents are basicly training wheels for the our children on the ride of life. Once they learn how to ballance and follow the rules then our relationship changes.
Today i was reminded how much my son wants my appreciation and when I bring anything else he is so defensive. I just want the house clean. If the vulcanic forse that blows me out the room mentioning could just be transformed into that energy what would my life be like?

 

[TerryJ2]

You mean, when he rages, that volcanic force? If you could bottle it? Or use it to power your car? That would be awesome.

 

[Star*]

Anything new is scary and was scary to Dude - even changing places we routinely went to on Saturday for shopping would set him off in another world.

I think change is just an unknown that these kids can not fathom or factor. A new tutor? OMG Dude already had his hackles up and fists out. The first one we hired was a semi-retired Special Education school teacher. Grandmotherly type. Dude was decent with her but not great. Then we hired a street-smart, hip-hop African American Dude. He was young, liked to play videos, shoot hoops, had common interests with Dude. HE was a better fit BUT was not mature enough to be doing the job he was paid to do and when he started taking my son to see the "baby momma"? That was it. We also had a man who was on 3 types of anti-depressants, dressed like a shaolin Monk, read and tried to teach Dude how to do Tarot cards, and personally took delight into showing an entire day care how to basket hold a child that couldn't he held. Put Dude right on the floor face first. Then there was the 400 lb. plus man who brought his foster son with him and told him to SHUT up at our table and when he asked Dude what he liked to do for fun and Dude said "ride bikes" the man laughed and said "Well we won't be doing any of THAT." OMG - we've really had a fun time of this.......

So pick carefully and maybe get a list together of common interests or interview style type questions. I know things that I would ask now...but they weren't the same then. lol....Then I just wanted someone to be with Dude for 1 hour so I could think.

Best of luck in the quest - Maybe you can go on Craigslist and barter your painting skills for 1 hr. a day big brother stuff? lol.....(well you SAID cheap)

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, Star, you've been through the gamut!

Yesterday went very well. L is very hands-on, had difficult child bring our globe to the table and use his finger to go from Holland to England to America, that sort of thing. He asked difficult child lots of questions and had difficult child demonstrate to me how much he had learned. I praised difficult child a lot.
They took a break, played basketball, drank tea, ate cookies, then went back to work.

Unfortunately, L called at the last min today and said he couldn't come over. But he will be here tomorrow.

I have actually been "interviewing" him over the past 2 mo's, because I am helping him write a memoir of his yrs growing up during the war in Zimbabwe. I've gotten to know him pretty well. So far, his only fault is that he talks. A lot.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,

in my humble opinion buddy-tutors ,mentors , older brothers are so important for promoting lcognitive and ife skills. Besides finding an appropriate person , I think some need a bit of guidance. The relationship should be more democratic , the mentor listening more and speaking less , getting the kid to speak and reflect , expressing concerns, empathy, taking others perspectives .

night games - is he taking something like melatonin to improve his sleep
does he have any ideas how to meet his needs for games and address your concerns - a good night's sleep and not disturbing the family

Good luck
Allan

 

[timer lady]

Terry,

I'm so glad this gentleman is working out for difficult child & for you. For your own safety, if there is any driving make sure insurance issues are covered. If difficult child leaves your home setting with tutor for any reason cover your bases with any issues of possible abuse or money that difficult child may carry about with him.

I think of all the things I have to reiterate with the PCAs & Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers that enter my home. There is a whole booklet on protocols & rules that must be followed when any person enters to help a vulnerable child. (I spent an hour going over every detail of the protocols yesterday with treatment manager & Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) employee.)

Our mental health case manager writes up a risk management plan for the team to follow. You may want to create one of your own for L. It gives him any/all information he may need.

This is a safety net for the family & for the employee. Just thought I'd bring that to your attention.

 

[TerryJ2]

I haven't gotten to the point of having L drive yet, and yes, of course I will address the ins issue and check into everything.

I will talk to him about a plan for difficult child if he explodes ... hopefully, it will be fine. He has never had a meltdown in front of anyone else before, except when he was 4 and didn't want a shot at the dr's ofc.

difficult child has no idea, no matter how much we tell him, that his nocturnal forays intrude upon our sleep. The only thing left to do is to punish him. We've already taken away the controllers, but somehow he came up with-another one and was up last night--husband asked me why I had left all the lights on. I had turned them off.
He's at it again!
So, no watching wrestling on TV tonight with-dad, which is their special thing they do on Fri nights. We've never actually taken that away from him ... usually just threatening it gets him to shape up. But he has missed so much school, we have to do something.
He's going to be surprised when L shows up to tutor him! I'm sure he thinks he gets out of it because he stayed home from school.

 

[Star*]

Terr -

A good friend of ours was living in Zimbabwe when the wars were raging. His parents were actually missionaries. He grew up through stuff that I couldn't even fathom. Horror stories he has told make my skin crawl.

Sadly - his personality is addictive and he's an alcoholic and addict. He said he never felt like he got attention from his parents during those years in Africa AND felt like he was less than because of their involvement with the children there. I told him someday - (laughing) we'd all go there on a trip and he could show us around. I want to see the waterfalls, he's a great story teller and so vivid about the place.

Your book sounds like a must have already.

Oh - almost forgot to add to our list - Huggy Bear. You remember the dude from Starsky and Hutch? With the crazy colored polyester pants and matching shoes, and beret? Well add about 30 years to make him in his late 50s, and some "street" slang - with gold chains.....and THAT was the last man that we fired before he EVER got to spend time with Dude. He walked in and said to Dude "Man we gonna flip da script." and I said "You? Arent' FLIPPING anything but outta here." and he sat there amazed. I told the entire table "YOU PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING." - of course the man tired to defend himself with his flippy scrippy stuff..but I saw clear through him - He was FIRED permanently from that program about a month later on accusations of improper behavior from another clients parent.

Yes, we've had our fill of stranger than us folks.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear. Sounds like you should be the one writing a book, LOL!

L didn't show up today. I can't get a hold of him--his cell ph and home ph aren't working. I am very worried. Yesterday he didn't show up because he was exhausted and was going to take a nap. He's got a bad heart.

I'm hoping he just got overinvolved with-something.

So sorry about your Zimbabwean friend. I can imagine how it would be hard to turn out normal after living through that.
L had a friend just return on Wed. from Zimbabwe. She said they now have military checkpoints every 10 miles throughout the country. She could not locate his mother. His mother's ph was cut off and no one knows how to locate her. It must be unbelievably frustrating and frightening not to be able to get a hold of your family from the far of a distance. I'm already frustrated not being able to get a hold of L and it's only been 1 day! But I know he's got email, and we don't have a war going on.

P.S. L doesn't drink. His dad was an alcoholic and I've never seen him drink at all.