In hospital again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Sep 12, 2013.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Apparently abusing his Adderal. Delusional. Spent the night in the ER, now inpatient. Do not know what the psychiatric doctor was thinking when she put him on it...and not even the long acting! Spoke to ER nurse. Drug screen negative for everything except amphetamines.

    Except for losing his job, had been doing pretty well and had been bumped up to three quarters.

    I'm trying to hold it together.
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Oh in a daze! I'm so sorry! I wish I had some magic words of wisdom but my brain is so fried right now from my difficult child's latest crisis. I know how hard it is to hold it together because I'm not doing so well with that myself this week. We can definitely cry together but we can also try to be strong together!! I'll be keeping both you and your son in my prayers!!!
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Likewise. dear! Will be thinking and praying for you both also.
    Talked to my son tonight. He does not sound good. Lots of long pauses. I am afraid he is still delusional, and my fear is that this is permanent. I am devastated.
    Trying to be strong...
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy IAD, hold on tight, you don't have all the facts yet....keep taking deep breaths.............sending prayers and big hugs..........please update us as soon as you can...............your fears may not be real.............let us know.............
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Waiting to hear, IAD.

    Holding good thoughts for both of you.

  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Update. He is much clearer mentally. More lucid though a little foggy and anxious. Spoke to p-doctor. He wants to keep him transfer to substance abuse ward to work on tweaking his medications to treat his obsessions and compulsions and his ADHD which p-doctor and difficult child believe are driving his poly substance abuse. difficult child agrees. We'll see what the lovely insurance plan says. He really gave us a scare.
    Thanks Cedar, RE, JKF and Kathy for holding me up!
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so glad that your difficult child is getting treatment. I know it is a big relief for you. I hope your insurance cooperates.

  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, thanks for the update, I am glad he is okay. It sounds as if he is receiving the help he needs now. I hope the insurance works out for you. Hugs for you Mom, you must be relieved and exhausted now. I hope you can get some rest and a little time for yourself ..........
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I actually am alarmed that your psychiatrist would put a drug abuser on stimulants, especially Adderrall, which my daughter told me years ago is very much abused. Often, kids crush it in pillcrushers and snort it either alone or with other drugs. Remember that not all drugs show up on drug screens. If a person abuses Adderrall, it is not going to help ADHD or anything else. I would have to question the psychiatrist's wisdom here. ADHD is not helped if the person is also using recreational drugs and I personally question the use of Adderrall at all. It has a very high street value. All the ADHD stims do, but Adderrall is the one that drug abusers like the most.

    Was he taking more than just Adderrall? That also happens.

    If it were me, knowing what I do now, I'd treat the drug addiction first and be very careful about encouraging difficult child to take any other medication for the moment. NONE of it will help him unless he is clean aside from the prescription drugs. That includes pot and alcohol.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to the Adderrall mess all too well. When I read about it, it is like yesterday. (((Hugs)))
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    All so scary. I am glad they are keeping him, and that there is something they feel can be done to help. Maybe all this was a blessing in disguise?

    Wishing well, IAD. If you can do it, believe for the best with all your heart. I think I've figured out that that mindset ushers in a feeling of gratitude. I think that feeling of gratitude for the good in the situation (however awful the situation is) counters the terror we feel for our kids and cushions that sense of loss we feel, for ourselves. Just believe the best imaginable outcome is what is coming, next.

    We so desperately need to clear our minds. We need to love our troubled children without resenting them, and that's so hard to do.

  12. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    MWM, the p-doctor comes once a month to program that he was in. His counselor told me that the staff is not too impressed with her and that she kind of gives them what she thinks that they need without taking their SA into account. I was researching new p-docs for him and then this happens.
    Hi Cedar, it's hard to believe in the best when it's his fourth hospitalization this year, and once again I must worry about the what ifs...what if the program he was in (they said they'd take him back) doesn't have a bed, and we are going out of town for a wedding 2nd week in October, and then where would he go...That's the way my mind works. I'm always planning ahead. How do I get past this? How do I stop the worrying?
  13. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm sorry, IAD. Our lives are like living nightmares, sometimes. I have never seen anything that hurt me more than the suffering in the eyes of my own child. It made me crazy; it took over my life. Believing for the best is a technique I learned this summer. We knew our homeless daughter was being beaten, every day. She had a closed head injury from a beating, once. She was in Intensive Care for alcohol poisoning, once. She was living a violent, despicable life, and there was nothing we could do and no way we could stop loving her. I had no choice but to find some way to live through it or I would have ~ I don't know what. Found my world shrinking again to a small, dark place where I waited for the phone to ring telling me it was over, I guess.

    I spent a little time in that place this winter. I never want to go back there.

    I can share which things have helped me survive it, IAD. There aren't too many, actually. All the usual things people say to us to try to make it better don't touch the kind of pain a mother feels watching her child suffer.

    These may not touch your pain, IAD. They helped me feel understood, somehow. I hope with all my heart they help you, too.


    Sybil remembered the crucifixions of her past, and by each of them, where she herself hung and screamed and writhed, she saw the golden halo and the hands of the Fool holding and easing her, and heard his voice murmuring peace.

    Charles Williams
    The Greater Trumps


    I am ashamed of these tears. And yet, at the extreme of my misfortune, I am ashamed not to shed them.



    mother goddess with one breast
    eaten away by worms of sorrow and loss
    See me, now...
    Your severed daughter
    laughing our name into echo
    all the world shall remember.

    Audre Lourde

    The Politics of Women's Spirituality


    The pain body may seem to you like a dangerous monster that you cannot bear to look at, but I assure you that it is an insubstantial phantom that cannot prevail against the power of your presence.

    Eckhardt Tolle
    The Power of Now


    The Tolle quote helped me see that I could face down the horror of what was happening ~ that I was the one with the responsibility of determining what my emotional life would be. I was so desperate, IAD. Things happened so fast, and were so shocking, that I could never get on top of one thing before something worse happened. husband and I were sort of lurching from day to day. I started listening to Joel Osteen. I started reading his stuff. His message too, is that we are responsible for choosing our emotional outlook. There was nothing I did not read, nothing I did not try.

    But bad, painful things are bad, worrisome, painful things. Like gut blows coming from out of nowhere. We cannot prepare for them. What we can do though, is choose to survive them. It's like being coldblooded, in a way. You choose against the hopelessness, the darkness.

    That is why I say "believe for the best." It sounds trite and pointless, I know. But when we are hanging on by our fingernails, believing for the best may be the only weapon we have, the only way to put space between the horror of what is happening and our vulnerable innermost selves. After I began picking the way things would come out, if they came out for the best, I made a conscious effort to believe that is how it would be. I understood that the reality was probably going to be a very different thing than what I had envisioned.

    I didn't care, IAD.

    It was about survival.

    When I am worried and distracted, so is my husband. If you have other kids at home, they are going to be adversely affected by your moods. We are the moms. We have to find some way to pull it together for the other people in our lives.

    Believing for the best is a technique. Consciously choosing to put away negative thoughts is imperative. Consciously choosing to celebrate the smallest instant of joy ~ the sunshine, the smell of coffee ~ anything, any positive thing, at all, to counter the hell of what you are going through.

    It works, IAD.

    I found I needed to deal with remnants of guilt. There were still corners of my self that were punishing me. I had to decide against them and choose happy, choose bright, choose strength.

    I learned to say "I am strong. I am beautiful. I am young. I am bright." to myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. It counters the negative, overwhelming, worried thoughts of the night.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your child and your family. I hope some of this helps you. If it doesn't, know that if you keep looking, you will find your own way to survive it, to be strong enough, to be happy, even.


    I wanted to add that I don't hang onto the details of my imagined outcome. I envision how I would FEEL if difficult child were healthy, if she were happy, if everything was superb. Then, I strive, with all my heart, to take that FEELING for my emotional reality. It isn't about believing for the best outcome as much as it is a matter of claiming the emotional reality of a successful outcome for myself in the present, whatever is actually going on. I wish I knew how to describe it better.


    So, just after you have made fresh coffee, but before you have that first sip, there is happy anticipation. THAT'S what I mean by emotional reality, by believing for the best. It would never matter whether you actually got to drink the coffee, or not.

    You had that instant of pleasure, and you can go back and savor it again, any time that you like.

    If you return to that moment of savoring again and again, your mood will improve. You will be stronger and better able to cope, though you never actually got to drink the coffee.

    If we find the emotional reality a healthy child would bring us and believe in that feeling, choose that feeling over the harrowing, depressed feelings...we will be stronger, whatever is coming next.

    Did I muddy the issue further?

    Last edited: Sep 19, 2013
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, Cedar has given you awesome words of wisdom from her own experience. Good job Cedar!

    The word I am responding to is WORRY. How do we stop the worry?

    Well, I have been the worlds most proficient worrier.............and to have a difficult child for a kid just increases mastery of worry and brings it to an art know what I mean.............First of all almost all worry is future tripping, so right off the bat, you have to stay here in the present. It's clearly a practice.

    The planning ahead is a good thing unless it's all based in fear. Which it likely is, we get trained in difficult child combat and like old soldiers or old cops, it's hard to get back to being a civilian once again. But, it can be done. Practice........

    What I did when the worry would begin is say to myself, wait one little minute here, absolutely nothing has changed here in my reality, I am still here in the chair, I still have that piece of chocolate I was about to bite into, I am healthy, everything is okay............until that phone rang............or difficult child showed up...............or whatever the drama is..................I drag myself back to the present moment and force myself to recognize that NOTHING has changed except I've just been invited into a drama I didn't create.

    Reading The power of Now, by Eckhardt Tolle, as Cedar mentioned, helped me too.

    The 2nd thing I practice is gratitude. I read once that gratitude is the antidote to worry. Also a practice. So, once the worry starts, you shift your thinking with getting into the present moment...........then start to recall what you are grateful takes a little practice but what happens is you shift your perception out of fear and 'what if', to, AHHHHHHH, (deep breath) all is okay. Right here in this moment, all is okay and I have a lot to be grateful for. After awhile, you can do that pretty quickly.

    Recognizing that your difficult child has indeed trained you to show up like an EMT is also something to remember. If all hell breaks loose in your life, due to difficult child antics, you can absolutely trust yourself to know exactly what to do when the time comes. You don't have to spend eternity preparing for the disaster, attempting to do whatever it takes to avoid it or get enough armor on to not be hurt..........relax.............if the time comes, believe me, you will jump into action like a Navy Seal. Trusting ourselves to be able to do that helps to relax in the moment when there is really nothing wrong, just our overactive 'scared out of our wits minds' at the ready. You can't stay prepared for war every second of the day, that's PTSD, and although many of us here have that, I really wouldn't recommend it as a lifestyle choice.

    A huge help to me in the overall big picture is acupuncture, which relaxes the entire body, mind, emotions and spirit on a very deep level and gently invites our worn out selves to remember how to relax. I've gone enough now where I can sustain REAL relaxation for long periods of time. You have to keep going until your body remembers how to relax. And, it helps with all the worrying too. There are actual pressure points which relate to fear and worry.

    Another point to remember is continuing exercise, like walking, which changes endorphins. Meditation. Therapy. Massages. Mani/pedis. Getting out of town, even just for a day. In other words, taking care of YOU. I have found my ability to let go of worry is directly proportionate to the level of self care I practice on a daily basis. Nurturing ourselves, filling up the empty spaces within which have been depleted by difficult child antics, is in my humble opinion, absolutely imperative. What is such an irony is that many women just have no idea how to take care of themselves......... and at the same time we can be experts at caring for others. Problem with that is, one day we hit a huge wall when we are completely depleted. Makes more sense to balance that energy and make sure it's equal.

    Remember that worry is FEAR. Fear is "false evidence appearing real." Most of what we fear in life never happens. Think about how many hours/days/weeks/months/years you've already spent worrying about stuff that didn't happen. That alone should make you want to stop worrying.

    Laughter. Laughter interrupts worry. My SO is a master at saying the funniest thing right in the middle of a huge upset with my difficult child. He will say something so funny and yet which has a ring of difficult child truth to it.............and it's really, really hard to be cracking up and worrying at the same time. Plus once the laughter has subsided, it's equally as hard to bring that fear back again.

    Another thing you can do is place your worry into a time slot. You get to worry from 9 AM to 10 AM every day. And that's it. Next week, you get to worry 9 AM to 9:15...........the following week, 9 AM to 9:05. That's it!

    Cedar and I have given you a number of avenues to move off of the difficult child FEAR path and onto a different path. It all takes intention, commitment, practice and patience. It doesn't happen overnight. My ultimate goal was peace of mind, that deep sense of calm and well being, no matter what is going on in my life. I have a saying on my desk at work which says, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

    Think of the alternatives. Think of yourself 10 years from now experiencing the same thing. That would be gruesome.

    Sending you lots of good thoughts and hugs............
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Cedar and Recovering.
    Believing for the best. Living in the moment. These are concepts that I need to practice.

    Please know both of you that your ability to give comfort and hope to us struggling parents on the message board is a force for good that came out of the darkness and despair. You have both made a difference in my life, and I am sure many others who frequent Conduct Disorders.