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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760113" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear JayPee</p><p></p><p>I've thought a lot about your last post. I am trying to sit with the situation to see how it settles. I just wrote down some random thoughts with the idea that maybe one of them might make sense..</p><p></p><p>I think you are very hard on yourself--for no good reason.</p><p></p><p>First of all, I want to say that I think you're doing great. The only thing I can think to change is I am wondering if it's helpful to tell him what is healthy and what's not. I am thinking that maybe just the boundaries are enough. Just leave it at that. It's like they say: <strong><em>No</em></strong> is a complete sentence.</p><p></p><p>If your son doesn't seem to want to take it in, is that your problem? Why stress? Just keep re-stating the limit, like he's 2 years old--in a neutral voice. You know what your needs are and that you take care of yourself gives you the stamina and the space to act towards your sons in a way that benefits them, too. You understand that and you wrote it and I am repeating it.</p><p></p><p>Whatever reaction or response that your son has, is his business. You know that, too. But I am repeating that too.</p><p></p><p>I am having other thoughts now, too. I am wondering if it makes sense to be direct with your son To sit down with him and tell him something like this: <em>You are making a lot of positive changes. And I also see that you are feeling vulnerable and lonely. What can I do to support you to take steps to fill these needs? </em>And if he says, <em>I just want to be with you in the house</em>....say something like this:<em> I am your mother and I love you but I can't fill those need</em>s. (Is this son gay? Or am I thinking of another mother's son?) </p><p></p><p>I am wondering what it is that your son is afraid to face. It is not your role to fill that or solve it--but maybe he would consider therapy. Or if he's already doing therapy there are all kinds of other things that help people come to grips with themselves. Not just 12 step groups but spiritually-oriented things. I got into this very late in life but these things are really changing me and filling my life.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say here, is maybe this is the human condition. Maybe your son is suffering in a way that everybody suffers at some point. Maybe all there is to do is to let him be. To love him. To take care of your needs. To set boundaries. And to let him move his way through this, as he can. You don't have to fix this. You can't.</p><p></p><p>Love, Copa</p><p></p><p>PS This post helped me to come to grips a little bit with my situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760113, member: 18958"] Dear JayPee I've thought a lot about your last post. I am trying to sit with the situation to see how it settles. I just wrote down some random thoughts with the idea that maybe one of them might make sense.. I think you are very hard on yourself--for no good reason. First of all, I want to say that I think you're doing great. The only thing I can think to change is I am wondering if it's helpful to tell him what is healthy and what's not. I am thinking that maybe just the boundaries are enough. Just leave it at that. It's like they say: [B][I]No[/I][/B] is a complete sentence. If your son doesn't seem to want to take it in, is that your problem? Why stress? Just keep re-stating the limit, like he's 2 years old--in a neutral voice. You know what your needs are and that you take care of yourself gives you the stamina and the space to act towards your sons in a way that benefits them, too. You understand that and you wrote it and I am repeating it. Whatever reaction or response that your son has, is his business. You know that, too. But I am repeating that too. I am having other thoughts now, too. I am wondering if it makes sense to be direct with your son To sit down with him and tell him something like this: [I]You are making a lot of positive changes. And I also see that you are feeling vulnerable and lonely. What can I do to support you to take steps to fill these needs? [/I]And if he says, [I]I just want to be with you in the house[/I]....say something like this:[I] I am your mother and I love you but I can't fill those need[/I]s. (Is this son gay? Or am I thinking of another mother's son?) I am wondering what it is that your son is afraid to face. It is not your role to fill that or solve it--but maybe he would consider therapy. Or if he's already doing therapy there are all kinds of other things that help people come to grips with themselves. Not just 12 step groups but spiritually-oriented things. I got into this very late in life but these things are really changing me and filling my life. What I am trying to say here, is maybe this is the human condition. Maybe your son is suffering in a way that everybody suffers at some point. Maybe all there is to do is to let him be. To love him. To take care of your needs. To set boundaries. And to let him move his way through this, as he can. You don't have to fix this. You can't. Love, Copa PS This post helped me to come to grips a little bit with my situation. [/QUOTE]
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