In The Past, It was Threats, But Tonight Is the Night..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by rosepress, Jul 19, 2013.

  1. rosepress

    rosepress New Member

    Well, its finally going to happen...after many years of enabling, from grandparents to us, his parents, my husband is kicking our 20 year old son to the curb when he gets home. He lost his job because of drug testing(weed) and he could have saved his job had he went through drug rehab classes, but refused and just walked away so they terminated him.(I have been on here before, just jogging your memory if you don't remember my post).
    He had been living with us, rent free, no job, eat what he wanted, did some chores he was asked to do on a regular basis, washed his own clothes, worked out at the gym that his grandma paid for each month. Over all, he always said thank you, did his chores, was pleasant to our friends, but smokes weed on a regular basis. His room smells of it and time after time, my husband told him he did not want it in our home. My son said we were too uptight and that it would be legal soon and he wished we weren't so negative about it. We know he smokes to compensate for issues with his ADD, but we still do not wish to have it anywhere near us, especially when he has a 13 year old brother here.
    My husband hated the fact when he comes home from work everyday and sees that my son still hasn't found a job or even looking, but has time to lay around, or hang out with friends all day and get high and drink..and here my husband is working long hours just so he can support his habit. He seemed high all the time. He gave him a time limit to find a job and when he didn't, my husband said he had to start charging him rent. My son had a fit saying, he don't have the money. But we are suspecting now, that he is selling a little weed to get his for free and have some pocket money to have. We have no proof, but I just feel it. My 13 year old says hes getting robbed of a childhood because its always about his brother and he feels left out because we put so much energy and time into our oldest, we expect our youngest to understand, but he is frustrated and is better when his brother is not here...understandable, we all are. When he is here, I don't sleep and my husband is stressed and full of anxiety...doesn't sleep good.

    Last night, my son came home drunk, and higher than I ever seen him. My husband tried to reason and talk to him about him going down this road to destruction. This weed has a hold on him and he has no motivation to get a job or go to school like he promised not only us, but himself. He made good grades in high school and could be whatever he wants if he only would grow up, get help for his addiction, and turn his life around. My husband told me this morning that he will no longer sit back and allow this to go on and that he is telling him after work today, that he needs to find somewhere else to live and this time for GOOD..until he wants to get help. My husband told him that these friends of his don't care a hoot about him and that his family are the only ones who care. The grandparents are not allowed to take him in, my husband warned them that they will not or he will not talk to his parents, and they are on board with it.

    I'm his mom
    , I sat with him last night after his father went to bed. I told him about my fears and how I pray for him every day and that he is on a downward spiral and that we can not help him and only he can help himself, he's got to want to change, but he does'nt want to quit smoking...its his life. He turned to me and told me that he loved us, and we know he does, but we can not continue to have him turn our home upside down and what kind of parents are we if we continue to make it easy for him to self destruct? Tonight will be difficult, I am his mom, think its more difficult for us moms, but I am letting go and pray that he sees that life isn't greener on the other side, and this type of life he is living, just isn't going to work. I know he really don't have anywhere to stay, maybe a night here or there, but no one is going to let him live with them. His grandma asked me, '"what if by you guys throwing him out, he will get worse and do harder drugs or get desperate for food or money and turn to life of crime?"..I told her don't she know we have already thought of that, but what other choices do we have?
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You cannot continue to enable him. From what you wrote - there is no motivation for him to change a thing. He has it made!!! He is getting all his needs met and gets to do what he wants. Why in the world would anyone want to change that?? That is easy street baby! I know I am making light of it, but it is true. I have been there done that.

    I had to give my daughter the choice of rehab or out of the home. She chose to couch surf and it has been almost three years now. Did she get better? Nope. She is now pregnant and in jail. BUT, I am no longer helping her kill herself. I am positive had I continued to let her live here, I would most likely have found her dead upstairs, or her brother would have picked up her bad habits. I have a son that is younger, too.

    Once she left, he positively flourished!! Our home is SO peaceful now. We are all so much happier. It is amazing to see the chaos that she alone caused in this home.

    I think you are doing the right thing - your son needs a REASON to change. He needs to hit bottom. He needs to face consequences that make using drugs no longer worth it...

    (((HUGS))) keep leaning on us for support - we have been in your shoes...
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that you are doing the right thing or this will just continue as long as you let it. Why should he get a job when he has a place to stay, food to eat, and money to get high and drink. Sounds pretty cushy to me.

    You have rightfully reached the point where you have to say that the only way you will help him financially is if he is in rehab or a sober living facility. At twenty, he can find a job and support himself.

    Saying that, I know how hard it is for a mom to tell her beloved child that they have to leave and that you won't support them financially anymore. You worry about all of the terrible things that can happen to them. However, letting them live with you and do drugs is hurting them, too, by enabling that self-destructive behavior. I know that you are new so you might not know my story but we let our difficult child move back in with us at 27 with the conditions that she was in therapy and had a job. Even though she followed those conditions, it turned out that she was continuing to drink and use drugs. My husband came home one day to find her overdosed on the couch. He had to do chest compressions until the EMT's got there to save her life. They told him that if he had come in a couple of minutes later she would have died. It turned out to be an overdose of alcohol and heroin.

    So just letting them live with you will not stop your child from terrible things. We did an intervention and sent her to a very expensive 90-day treatment center and then she went to a sober living facility which she recently left. I don't think that she is sober anymore and husband and I have been seeing a therapist to help us set boundaries. My difficult child keeps telling us that she wants to come "home" but we keep reminding her that living here isn't the solution. We have stopped helping her financially and told her that we will only help when she is in treatment or sober living. Otherwise, she needs to support herself.

    You will need to stay strong in your decision. In all probability, he will start emotionally blackmailing you saying that he will not be able to make it on his own, will kill himself, will take harder drugs. Anything that will play on your protective mom feelings. However, in our collective board experience, difficult child's are extremely resourceful and land on their feet.

    Keep posting. We are here for support.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's painfully hard to make a child leave and in our case, my daughter found a safe place to go (as long as she followed the rules). I cried for three weeks, but I did not want us to be a part of her self-destruction.

    Pot is notorious for making people lack motivation. I think it will be legal soon too, but that isn't going to make it any better for those who chronically use it and lose all interest in their futures and some who go onto stronger drugs, like my daughter did. And pot is laced with other drugs anyway. Also, he may be already using more than pot. Most young men his age are eager to grow up, get a job or go to school and move away from home. Pot stunts the growth.

    I wish you luck and send lots and lots of hugs.
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I've been in your shoes too. We've actually gone thru the wringer with my son leaving 3 times and it's wrenching.

    My pcs were 17 & 14 (boys too) and it was hard on them as well. I gave my older easy child a Visa card & told him that whenever difficult child was on a tear- he should grab his younger brother & leave the house. Go to the movies, gorge on MCDs, buy new video games; anything to stay busy and be away for the height of the difficult child drama & the volatility. It was too much for them to witness & comprehend as a front row audience. (I'm speaking from my own experience as a once younger easy child with a difficult child brother.)

    My difficult child never left peacefully. Likewise, I was never was able to be on an even keel when he left. I vacillated between begging him to get help, telling him I loved him and getting angry at him for being such a jerk. It didn't help the situation. So, the last time h asked him to leave (jan 2012), we waited until the pcs were in school and I left the house after kissing him goodbye & telling him I loved him. I just couldn't watch him pack up & leave again. I sat in my car in a parking lot, sobbed & posted here. I was a mess, but it was much less traumatic for all of us. So think about getting lost for a few hours. And try to shield your easy child as much as you can. Don't sugar coat it-but don't let him witness it all.

    God bless. It's awful, I know. A place no one wants to be. You are doing the right thing. And it hurts-we get it.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I understand what you are going through as next Friday is "our night".

    For me, I am trying to stay angry at addiction and my son's choice to be lead by it.
    I am trying to remember Drug Rehab at 14, AA meetings, EGBS, Church school, homeschool, Juvie, military, hospital stays, Prison...and my son's 3 beautiful children that need a sober father.

    It helps to remember all the ways that you've tried to prop your child up...and that they still choose drugs over the help. It makes me mad. Mad enough to do the "next right thing" as they say in AA.

    I will be thinking of you tonight and saying a prayer that your son will come to see the light and change his ways. Does sound like your son is a bright young man who can achieve great things if only he will give up his desire for drugs.

    Hang in there, be strong,
    ps...Others made a suggestion on my thread that I leave the house when this "exit plan" takes place and that is what I intend to do. It may help for you to have dinner and plans with a friend tonight as husband escourts your son to the door.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others. I absolutely agree that you and your younger son need to leave the house and do something together to keep your mind off what's going on. Eat out, go to a movie, walk the mall. Anything but stay home. I am sorry.

    Let me add one personal note. Due to circumstances I never had to force easy child/difficult child to leave BUT I know it would have been more painful because he, like your son, always has been bright, polite and only confrontational once. Many difficult children scream, cuss, punch holes in walls etc OR make such frightening choices that the parents just "have to" make them leave. I expect it will be deeply emotional for you and I also expect he will soon be contacting you directly trying to change the rules. in my humble opinion you might use the Serenity Prayer to help keep your balance. It is short but full of the wisdom that is needed when dealing with trying circumstances. I will be rooting for you. DDD
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Wow, I am sure not alone! They all say the same things, "it's gonna be legal", "don't wanna quit". Our poor children! Drugs are so addicting and change their personalities. My son was a star wrestler & could've done so much with his life! Let us know how it goes, how it went? Be strong rosepress!