I haven't posted in awhile but I wanted to tell you all how thankful I am for this board and all of you. I have become a stronger person than I ever thought I could be. Because of the willingness of all of you to be honest and supportive- I have been able to advocate for my difficult child and my family as a whole. If you are new to this site, and just starting your journey- the best place to start is a parent report. I spent several sleepless nights putting together ours and it has been priceless. It has given my husband and I creditability that we would not have otherwise. It's hard to deny that we have tried everything when it is in front of them in black and white. Because of all of you, I'm more informed than some of difficult child's professionals and scare them when I can speak their own language. If you ever doubt whether you have made a difference, please know that all of you have to me. A short update about difficult child reads like this: difficult child is still living in a state ran Residential Treatment Center (RTC) like program. He is not showing any progress and is actually regressing in a lot of ways. He is still very violent and aggressive. He struggles with impulse control. He has ran several times in the last few months, even when on very tight restriction. Our visits with him are hard. He talks about killing our two easy child's and us. It is eerie because it is said with no emotion- he is more emotional when he discusses what he had for dinner the night before. Last visit, he said that if he killed someone it would be alright because it would be in the past and he can't change the past. medications are not working in the way that they should, he has had some very scary side effects to all medications that have been tried up to this point. His team is still trying to diagnose him. Because he is young and he fits so many of the categories for so many disorders, they are saying it might be a wait and see what he grows into. Our insurance no longer cover his mental health care because it is chronic. We pay child support every month and although it is expensive we are thankful to do it because it is the best money we spend. We still have custody of our difficult child but don't know what the future holds. His history is still being written and all I can do is take it one day at a time. I have tried to explain how I feel to friends and family and have come to the conclusion that I'm grieving the loss of my son. His body is still here, but everything that made him who he was is gone. The things that all parents teach their children; kindness, honesty, and love are lessons that he can't recall right now. I still hope that someday those things will be remember but if they aren't it isn't because I didn't teach him those virtues. I can't control the path he is on, but I can still love him. I never realized that it was possible to love someone that was so dangerous and could hurt you and others so badly, but I still love my difficult child. It just needs to be from a safe distance from him. Because of this journey, I think that husband and I have become better people. We have more empathy for people, we are better parents, and we have figured out what is really important. Everyday struggles are still there but they have been put in a different light when compared to what we have been through with difficult child.