Inappropriate sexual behaviour....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Dec 28, 2011.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    I wondered for a long time if it will be emotionally safe to post this thread on the forum.......
    But, this is something I think alot of us need to deal with, but we keep it to ourselves because we are ashamed to voice it......
    Does any of you need to deel with inappropriate sexual behaviour with your ghg?
    For example trying to watch porn out of curiosity, roleplaying some behaviour with siblings, saying inappropriate things, not realizing to not pull own or some one elses pants of?
    Maybe this is to personal to expect any responses, but thats ok.....was just wondering how others deal with this.....?
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I haven't encountered this problem yet, lovelyboy, but just to say that I personally did not find your question or post in any way shocking or unanswerable!
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yes, we've had to address this with BOTH my difficult child's and in our case it's always been a sign that medications are not doing their job. Found out one of my difficult child's also experimented with inserting things into his body, and consequently got something stuck in his bladder which resulted in several years of unexplained health problems that even necessitated home/hospital instruction because he was so sick. Thankfully we got that fixed, and we coupled it with therapy to deal with the cognitive side until the medication combo got sorted out. Had to implement many restrictions/safety blocks on computers, phones with internet capabilities, etc. Unfortunately, my own husband has/had a stash of porn that the difficult child's found and I've since thrown it out, and WITHOUT husband's permission or knowledge, but that's just tough beans in my opinion. Took many months of work, but I think we are on the other side now, thankfully.

    My advice is to lean heavily on your psychiatrist and therapist and push, push, push for answers to address the behaviors you are seeing. Do NOT accept them as "normal," especially if your gut tells you otherwise. Listen to your instincts and do what you have to in order to HELP the child in question and PROTECT the ones at risk of being hurt.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Lovelyboy - gentle hugs to you, and rest assured, you are not the first parent to run into this (or to be a bit taken aback either).

    My difficult child discovered he was a boy at 3, and we had a couple years there where he felt free to play with himself anywhere, anytime, in front of anyone. To the point of rubbing himself raw. It's tricky discussing this on the board because people have varying opinions about morality, right/wrong, etc., and we have to teach our kids according to our own values. With my difficult child, I taught him that what he does in his bedroom is his business but that there are certain things we do *not* do in public. It took about 3 years, during which time I tried to keep an eye on him around peers. There were a few mortifying moments, but by age 6, that particular activity was relegated to privacy.

    The number 1 issue is safety. Both for difficult child and for those around him. My difficult child got caught at around 8 playing "doctor" with- the neighbor girl, which pretty much brought an end to his unsupervised play time. Since you have concerns about appropriate behavior with- other kids, I think it's imperative to keep eyes on him when he's with other kids. It's a rough way to live, but again, safety is the key.

    Fortunately, porn wasn't an issue at home. By the time he left for his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we had 1 computer which was in my bedroom which he did not have access to. Cable TV channels were locked. I think it's important to cut off access, any way you have to. Not a moral judgement, but in my humble opinion it's just simply inappropriate for children to view.

    There were several more incidents over the years in RTCs. The explanation I received from professionals is that hypersexuality is not uncommon in bipolar kids. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it in such a young kid, but... that's just me. ;) I think when you have a kid who has impulse control issues, it's going to be more of a problem.

    We tried very hard to impress on him boundaries, privacy, respect for self/others. He was eyes-on supervision both at home and at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a very long time, not always successfully.

    One thing we did, and to this day I'm not sure if it was the right choice or not, was that when he started asking questions about birds and bees at the ripe old age of 6, we answered truthfully and factually. No euphemisms, no hemming or hawing. My thinking was that since he was already so fixated, it would be better to just hit it head on with- facts and demystify it a little bit. My gut says that it was the right choice, but... who knows.

    It's disconcerting and at times mortifying to have a kiddo who is openly hypersexual, but it's just something we have to deal with. Again (and again and again), safety has to be your #1 priority.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lovelyboy-Yes, we have dealt with this. Much like SLSH our difficult child, at about the same age too, our difficult child felt free to play with himself anytime, anywhere. He didn't listen to us about keeping it private but he did, for the most part listen to his pediatrician.

    Unfortunately, at 14 we are dealing with other issues. He often inappropriately touches myself or husband. Fortunately this behavior is only at home right now. Nothing we have tried so far has gotten him to change this behavior. I hate it!

    He also says things that are inappropriate in front of us. Usually it is things he has heard at school but most kids would know are not appropriate to say in front of your parents.

    Wish I could say I had the magic answer but we keep trying to talk with him and we talk with his psychiatrist and therapist.
  6. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx for feedback....The thing is that luckily he is appropriate in public and with friends....he is actually more the observer and listener......At home we have put all the safety measures in place just frustrates me te play detective all the time! And to supervise him with little brother....all the time! I am also teaching little one what to say and react in uncomfortable situations.
    We also decided to give propper info, directly.....the reason my son gave for watching things he wasn't suppose to was that he wants to know how things work and was to shy to ask.....being visual he has to see it to! So now we give it straight and honest......We did realize that since he was very young he always wanted to know exactly how things work, asking plenty of interesting and difficult it must not have been a surprise to us that in this area it is no different!!!!OMG! Wonder what is waiting for the teen stage!?!In plenty of areas he is interested in things, much older kids would be interested in, like religion, politics......but this makes it difficult, because I cant discuss it with his peers moms......and it contribute to him feeling 'different'.......
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    There are many reasons kids engage in sexual play. Some is normal, some is mental health related as with BiPolar (BP). Have you ruled out sexual abuse? With the anxiety and encopresis as well, I am just wondering? I would have never believed it could have happened to one of mine. It took 9 years to find out! I don't mean to be an alarmist-just look at everything.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I really admire the steps you have taken and realizing that his developmental/learning needs will play a part in how you deal with it. sounds like you are taking a balanced approach. Being prepared in case it is something more than typical and addressing what is typical.

    Q has had several inappropriate moments like when he had the medication reaction he pulled his pants down and was did it over and over because the boys who saw it told him to pull his pants up but also laughed (uncomfortable , trying not to be mean etc.) and he takes that as ...oh it is funny so I will do it again. He did it in psychiatric hospital on those days they didn't give him Concerta. He has always had no modesty, we are only the two of us so it was not as pressing an issue and in public he doesn't do anything typically. but now that he knows to make those sounds (from the kid in psychiatric hospital who told him this is what sex sounds like) and that the words have gotten so much attention, he does it a little more. We have had none of it on vacation this week. I have many friends who have kids who have found porn. It is just too easy to find these days. I remember when cable first came out, seeing those scrambled channels on tv and we would try to watch between the lines. I am no sexual deviant. Kids just are going to want to know and impulsive kids and kids who have not much social sense (like who to say certain things to, where to do things, how to say things, who they can touch and when etc.) are going to have typical issues PLUS. Does that make them seriously disordered sexually, Probably not in many cases...but can we take that chance....HECK NO. There ARE going to be kids who can't control it because of their developmental issues, neurological issues, mental health issues, and we have to do what you are doing, really really pay attention. Protect everyone, and balance things with avoiding shame and and encouraging them to come to us so they dont sneak and do something with consequences they can't even imagine. Q can't go out side yet with kids.... I need to see even more progress and self control in all areas, even if he doesn't do these things again. I will not risk it.

    Good job and I am glad you brought up this important topic. It is a harder one to discuss.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lots of times this stuff comes from bipolar. I know my son was like SLSH's son...he found it very early and it was his first and best toy. We had to tell him very often that he could only do that in his room. We would often catch him playing with himself when he was bored or watching tv in the living room. This was when he was around 6/7/8. Not so much for arousal's sake, more like a self soothing type thing. We would just tell him to knock it off or go to his room.

    Now when he hit puberty, all bets were off. He was awful. Nothing was sacred. As they say...he was a "love machine" He did calm down though eventually. When he met real girls.
  10. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Of course we must remember that sexuality in children exists even among the non-difficult children. I remember going on holiday to a farm where there was a boy my age when I was 8 or 9. We used to play together in the hay loft and one day... just started French kissing, tongues and all. I had no idea where I had even seen or heard about that - I have the sense it was just instinctive for both of us. Seems strange perhaps but... I was not in other ways hypersexual or sexually active inappropriately young. But I think it's the kind of experience a lot of people actually do have.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My husband would prefer to never discuss this with the kids. The original deal husband and I made was that he would tell the boys and I woudl tell the girls. Wiz was 6 when he asked wehre babies came from. We were on a 90 min car ride late after dark, just him and I, and every question I answered prompted antoher question more in-depth. It never occurred to me not to answer him. He was already reading on a university level (reading and comprehending well above 12 grade level but did NOT have the EMOTIONAL ability to handle what he could read) and I did NOT want him to search out his own info on this topic.

    I have always thanked God that no matter how angry he was with me or the world or whatever, he still felt able to come and ask questions on topics liek that. To my knowledge (and both of them say it is true), he has NEVER spoken with his father about sex or wanted to. I don't really know why, but it isn't that big a deal since he could and idd ask me.

    We did have a few things that happened that he refused to believe us on. He was 3 1/2 when he realized that sometimes his body stood up, shall we say here in polite company? I told him it was normal, natural and had always happened but he hadn't noticed. husband told him the same thing. he REFUSED to believe us and insisted on calling my parents. It took BOTH of my parents to convince him that he did not need to see a doctor and wasn't broken,lol. We adults all kept a veeeeeery straight face until after he had gone off to do something, then we ALL just about fell over laughing!!! He simply could NOT fathom that his body was supposed to do that, lol!!! It is something we will remind him of when HE has a son, lol!

    This isn't something that you should feel afraid to ask us about here. A LOT of us have had various problems with our kids acting in ways we didn't expect and sexuality is not something that happens when you hit puberty - it is part of life from the day you are born. One little girl in the daycare that my kids were in would hump a blanket in her sleep every single day. No one made a big deal of it because she was sound asleep wehn it happened and she honestly had NO CLUE it was happening. Our kids here just take it to levels/places/times we didn't expect.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member


    Fifth grade (and to this day he mentions it) we went to an outdoor amusement park for end of elementary school celebration with school. He LOVES huge rollercoasters. After getting off of one he came over to me and two of the ed. aides were there. So he whispered, mom, you HAVE to take me to the doctor. I asked why? he said.... Because my penis is afraid of the rides!
  13. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    showing off his private area is one of my difficult child's behaviours that comes and goes. he does not do it when i am around but is not smart enough to not tell me about it. he did it often last year in the spring, he would whip it out in the school yard and shake it at the other kids, mostly other boys. i was horrified that the school never called to tell me about it and i heard it from other kids. the thing that freaked me out most was that there was a pedaphile that lived across from his school that liked little boys, it was in the news and everything about how the judge kept giving him extensions on moving away from the school and he refused. anyways, i ended up telling him that if he couldn't keep it private that I was going to call the police on him and he could go to jail for showing other people and touching it in public. that scared him out of it. not the best solution but it worked when everything else i tried didnt. he did it once this year, to a boy in grade 4 who told on him and the teacher sent home a note saying she didn't do anything about it because she didn't know what to do. i simply reminded him about the police and it didn't happen again. we also have a worry about him touching his younger siblings and we are very vigilant to protect them from him at all times, not just from that but from all his other things too. it is hard to be on the look out 24/7 but also necessary.
  14. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx for your honesty!
    Yes maybe I am a bit paranoid! I keep having this fear that just maybe something happened.....but he keeps on telling me nothing happened to him!!!! I do get the feeling he would have told me......He had terrible friends down the street who is his age but from different cultural and moral backgrounds as us......Sometimes I hear bits and pieces what he shares and realize that plenty has really upset him....he gets very upset if others brake the showing privates and he also not always interpreted things in context.....this is also where he says he got the info to go on the internet.....he still wants to play with them sometimes because there is no one else available....but our rule now is he is not allowed to play in their houses.....He is now friends with a 15 yr old....but both knows that whats ok for the older is not always ok for him.....I know I am stepping on dangerous ground here....but this kid has such a calming and positive effect on my son...he also tells him about choosing good friends, not watching ugly scary things like movies and so on.....They may only play in our house when we are here and outside where I know where he is....I am dreading the school starting with all the social influenses that I cant control!!!!!It is so difficult to try and be a good parent!