Inconsiderate family members can say the cruelest things

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by snees, Aug 4, 2012.

  1. snees

    snees New Member

    I have never been close to my mother or family for that matter. Since my children have been born we have maintained a relationship for the sake of my children. My difficult child son is six and has been in intervention since the age of a year. He had many verbal delays which is still very significant and has issues with impulse control. He is now taking Ritalin which has been helping. He has had speech, Occupational Therapist (OT), and now has behavior therapy privately. He did an intense autism evaluation and basically I was told that although he has some behaviors that may be a spectrum issue he has such a severe speech issue that the "team" believes he would benefit greatly from more interventions with speech and behavior therapy. I am going out of my mind. I have two other kids as well and although I have great friends that help from time to time my husband is most of the time in the clouds and I am running the show with the three kids and running my own firm. I sent over to my mother the most recent evaluation for my son and she calls me and gives a speech on why am I not doing this or that. Let it be known that she never sees my children (we live about 4 hours from each other) unless I bring them to HER at HER convenience, etc. So I get angry and say how I feel (I rarely even speak to her mind you) and asked if she is suddenly so concerned why doesn't she come down and visit, etc. My mother is not well regarded by my sister or brother either and usually I just let things go but I am so busy these days and I didn't need to hear it. She then e mailed me an apology and I replied that we should not talk for a while, I have had enough. Now here is the issue. My daughter likes to visit her and they finish swim camp next week. I promised we would visit her and I don't know what to do. I am thinking of e mailing her that my daughter wants to visit and when I can drop her off. I have some time that week to do that and then drop off my ds with my husband's family who live an hour from my mother and they could arrange to "switch kids". I find this so stressful sometimes and there are nights I just can't sleep worrying about the future of my kids. Dealing with her is not what I need to deal with right now. husband appeared to be more interested in the family bike ride we took today than talking about our son's issue which is usually the way it is. UGGGHHHHH Sorry I just had to vent.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Vent away! Almost all of us just HAVE TO vent now and then because the stress is too much to internalize. Many of us have known the frustration of being the only "adult" in the family and that's almost as difficult as having a difficult child with multiple needs. Sending you a cyber HUG in hopes that it makes you feel a tad better knowing someone has heard your vent. Just wish I had a solution to pass along. HUG. DDD
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A question as a grandmother and a four X mother.

    Why would you send the evaluation to your mother whom you so seldom agree with?

    My opinion is, rather than denying any of your kids "grandma time" (if they enjoy it) is to just not share these things with her. As good as I am at biting my tongue, it is hard for me not to give my two cents to my grown kids. I am really good about not doing it, but this woman is still your mother and the natural instinct is to give you her two cents...if you give her something to talk about. I would just not bring up the problems with your youngest to her. It isn't her problem; it's yours and she obviously gets you angry. Kind of keep things about the weather and other non-confrontational issues. That's exactly what I have to do with my father and it's much better! :)
  4. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Sorry that your mom isn't more supportive!! My mom isn't supportive or helpful with my difficult child, but I still feel the need and the want for my mom to be on my team!! So I understand the need to try to let her see your pain.
    Keep your chin up.
    We can't change our families views on our kiddos or their attitudes towards how we are raising our kids, but we can make a conscience decision to be the parents we long to have on our team.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaargh! So sorry!
    I would not share details with-your mom any more about your kids' testing or psychiatric evaluation or other issues, unless it's on a need-to-know basis. If someone is having potty training problems, she will need to know if she keeps that child overnight. If not, then she doesn't need to know.
    In the meantime, to transition to this "new" sort of relationship, where you no longer share all that info with-her, I think you need to keep your emotional distance but not deny your kids their wishes to see her, assuming they are safe in her hands.
    Good luck!
  6. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Sorry you are going through this!
    We stay 2 day drive from my parents...I am the only child so I phone her once a day because I do feel responsible for them!
    I know I shouldnt discuss my kids with mom, but I so want her to understand and I long for her support....But I know she will never agree that my difficult child has problems....She even said she will never agree and except it.....For her its a diccipline problem! We often have very heated fights....She has and I dont think will ever appologise!
    BUT...we still love each other and talk with each other...She is andalways will beyour mom! Just as you forgive all your childrens difficult behaviour....she will also forgive you!
    Dont hover to much over this....sure it was not the first time and not the last time you will disagree on this matter.
    Take your kids....enjoy the good moments and steer clear from the bad ones.....
    Hugs coming your way....Ido know how youfeel! :)
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Just an observation. My mother is not someone I would share things with aout my difficult child. I would get a lecture that went on for days. My youngest does spend a lot of time with her and we live about 5 miles away. I have noticed that when he does spend time with her that things go really well. I asked him why it is so different there then at home or at school. His answer," She does not watch me every second to see if I am going to screw up. She accepts me for me and loves me as I am."
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Look at your children and ask yourself "what do they need?" It will help you make the decision of what to do in pretty much any situation.
    Stop sharing every detail of anything that has to do with child rearing or marriage. Give them highlights if they ask.

    Sometimes warrior moms(me included) become consumed by the issues at hand but true balance comes when you talk about other things, including the lovely bike ride. You are not just a mother of a difficult child, you are a mother of 2 other children, wife, working person, daughter. You wear many hats and you can't allow yourself to be the one issue person.

    In terms of my parents or husband's parents, I stopped telling them much because it stressed them and it did nothing to help. I wanted someone to say "you are doing the right thing or a good job". It's the child in us but I realized that wasn't ever going to happen so I am polite and don't tell them anything unless they ask.

    I don't know anything about your history with difficult child. Please do a profile signature.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Pasajes... If only we could give all our kids that kind of grandparents!
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Saw on Oprah's Lifeclass today something interesting. Kinda surprised me. Two adult daughters were disappointed that their mother didn't want to spend a significant amount of time with them and the grandchildren. She did spend time with them, but perhaps because she was still working, she chose to not always be available for them. This, I felt at first, was a bit unkind, etc. But, it was pointed out, that the mother is an adult woman and has every right to make choices on how she wishes to live her life.

    Your mother does not have young children anymore. You are an adult and even if you personally would do it different as a grandmother, she can make the personal choice to ask you to bring the grandchildren to her and to ask for things to be done in a way that would allow for more convenience for her. Hopefully, she would make exceptions for emergencies....etc...but it really is her personal right to do things differently than you would and she did email you an apology...she seems to care.

    I totally agree with the others...not such a hot idea to send her medical reports etc. and probably a good idea to limit detailed information. If she asks for medical information, etc. you might provide a little more....but I wouldn't "hand her" this kind of stuff and open yourself up to her opinions. I agree...keep discussions "light."

    Sounds like emailing her and dropping off the kids might very well work out...this way you should be able to keep your promise.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 6, 2012
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I never thought I would love being a grandmother but now that I am...I know I was meant to be a mother and then a grandmother. I was meant to have granddaughters, it just meant I had to have three hellish boys to get those