input on this yukky teacher situation please

[Cheerwyn]

Pigless in Va, I don't post often in these forums, but this situation really struck a chord with me. I hope you will take my blunt response as some tough love from a stranger who feels for you and your situation.

Ferb's teacher did this last year, with a similar, troubled young man. Someone she groomed and cultivated a relationship. Using her position of trust and access as a teacher. She used the fact that the boy and his parents were on the outs to further that relationship. "They don't understand you, but I do. I will always be here for you." His parents suspected something, saw increasing evidence -- drive-bys, car rides, secret notes, coffee cups in the sink. But they did nothing.

Would a note from those parents explaining why they left that teacher in a position to take advantage of Ferb make you feel any better? Will the parents of next year's victim understand why you did nothing?

From all of your posts, Ferb has all of the power here. You are afraid of him cutting you off. If you operate this way, you will being doing it for the rest of your life.There is no middle ground. Either you allow (and essentially enable) his teacher to keep seducing students, or you take action.

ETA: And I'm sort of surprised at the posts that just say to ignore it, that preserving the relationship is more important than reporting a predator. How much evidence has come out in this thread that the teacher seduced Pigless' son while he was a student?

And when it all crashes down and the teacher dumps Ferb for next year's model, there seems to be some sort of expectation that he will have an epiphany and have a better relationship with his parents. Has anyone thought he might throw it back that his parents must have seen the signs but didn't do anything to stop it?

 

[Littleboylost]

Pigless in Va, I don't post often in these forums, but this situation really struck a chord with me. I hope you will take my blunt response as some tough love from a stranger who feels for you and your situation.

Ferb's teacher did this last year, with a similar, troubled young man. Someone she groomed and cultivated a relationship. Using her position of trust and access as a teacher. She used the fact that the boy and his parents were on the outs to further that relationship. "They don't understand you, but I do. I will always be here for you." His parents suspected something, saw increasing evidence -- drive-bys, car rides, secret notes, coffee cups in the sink. But they did nothing.

Would a note from those parents explaining why they left that teacher in a position to take advantage of Ferb make you feel any better? Will the parents of next year's victim understand why you did nothing?

From all of your posts, Ferb has all of the power here. You are afraid of him cutting you off. If you operate this way, you will being doing it for the rest of your life.There is no middle ground. Either you allow (and essentially enable) his teacher to keep seducing students, or you take action.

ETA: And I'm sort of surprised at the posts that just say to ignore it, that preserving the relationship is more important than reporting a predator. How much evidence has come out in this thread that the teacher seduced Pigless' son while he was a student?

And when it all crashes down and the teacher dumps Ferb for next year's model, there seems to be some sort of expectation that he will have an epiphany and have a better relationship with his parents. Has anyone thought he might throw it back that his parents must have seen the signs but didn't do anything to stop it?

I think what lies in the balance here is the advice to report the teacher but not damage the relationship potential with Ferb. I agree 100% that confronting him at this time is not wise. If he comes to you and confides be there to support him and explain what is not right about relatiships with people who have authority and power over you.

 

[BusynMember]

If Ferb were 15 I would agree. But she didnt break the law. Ferb is an adult. He is not a child. The teacher waited until he was 18.

I stand by my advice...the teacher is in my opinion immoral, but she isnt a child predator and I dont feel it is worth destroying the relationship. Teacher legally did nothing wrong.

 

[Cheerwyn]

Well if it's all legal and hunky dory, why is Pigless struggling with it and looking for evidence? She should just walk away from it because it's not her business because he's an adult.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the relationship began BEFORE Ferb was 18. It may not have been sexual, but the grooming was there.

Again, I just do not understand the avoidance here. People on this board are encouraged to do the right thing, even if it means potentially alienating their difficult child.

This teacher is going to find another young man to do this to. School district employees, counselors, child welfare officials and other people who deal with child welfare would be required to report this.

If you want to avoid a fuss, OP, all I can suggest is that you don't tell the counselor, because he/she would be required to report it. Walk away from it all. Rinse the coffee cups in the sink and move on.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Again, I just do not understand the avoidance here. People on this board are encouraged to do the right thing, even if it means potentially alienating their difficult child.

You clearly have not experienced estrangement from a child to speak of it so casually, as an "oh well that's the way the cookie crumbles" consequence of donning a superhero cape.

This is a complicated situation - more complicated than your black and white, good versus evil, goal-directed thinking acknowledges. Trying to maintain a strained relationship with a difficult child is like walking a tightrope frayed at multiple points over the New York skyline. It isn't as easy as you might think for your child to consider you dead.

There is also no evidence of a sexual relationship as has been stated over and over again. Suspicion doesn't equal proof.

Many of us suggested Pigless consider alerting authorities both inside and outside of the school district to address her concerns about this teacher. I, too, stand by the feedback she has received. In the end it is up to her to make the best decision for her family. And to be equally harsh, other people's children are not her concern. Her SON is her concern.

 

[BusynMember]

Also no counselor would report on an 18 year old. There is no evidence of anything sexual and they will both deny it. And 18 is not considered a child.

Estrangement is horrible. Its not just "too bad."

 

[pigless in VA]

Cheerwyn, I totally respect your words. I completely agree that this woman is a predator. That's exactly while I struggle so hard with what is the right thing to do. I do think there will be other boys involved and probably have been in the past.

If we were have a discussion about my daughter here, I would not hesitate to act. Not because she is a girl, but because there is a level of trust with her that I have every confidence would survive the inevitable storm. My relationship with Ferb would never survive such a revelation. I know him and the way that he thinks. He will lie and manipulate and distort every word that I say. I want to do the right thing and protect the other boys from this predator. Ferb will have the opposite view. His vision is distorted by the hormones of a young man and the manipulations of a predator.

Cheerwyn, if I didn't know in my gut that my actions would result in Ferb becoming suicidal, then I would act. But I know him. He is snowed, awed, and seduced by this predator. He is under her spell. If I do anything to her at this juncture, Ferb would never forgive me and he quite possibly may take his own life. He is that volatile and that fragile.

As horrible as it is, Ferb is my first priority, not the other boys and not stopping Mrs. X. And yes, I am well aware that he may take his life when she dumps him for the newer model.

 

[Nomad]

If you honestly believe your son could become suicidal over this, I think it is wise to proceed with extreme caution.

Going with him to the therapist might be a very good idea. This at least has the potential to work out. We can only hope.

If you never bring it up due to the complications, I would wait until the smoke clears and in a year or so (or as soon as you feel it is safe/calmer) write an anonymous letter to the superintendent about your suspicions and never tell anyone you wrote it.

This woman needs to be reported.

 

[susiestar]

Cheerwyn, I am usually the blunt one on the side of "do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may", also on the side of tough love.

It takes one heck of a lot for me to advocate absolutely NOT talking to her son and reporting this teacher. Both of my parents are retired teachers and I was raised to believe strongly that they should be held to a very high ethical standard.

Sadly, the risk of loss of life here is all too real. Ferb's father and uncle both committed suicide. Ferb has tried to commit suicide. He is very much under the power of this woman. We know that the brain of a teenage isn't developed yet. It is very much stuck in black and white thinking and it perceives things more intensely than an adult brain. This is just science.

Combining these things with any pressure from Pigless to end the relationship, or even any perceived pressure over the relationship, could have disastrous results. Ferb is truly a young man poised on the brink of a yawning abyss. Pigless needs to be ready with the rescue team, not worried about how to push him over. She can deal with the teacher after she is sure her son is stable. As a parent, Ferb MUST be her first priority.

 

[pigless in VA]

Some more information has come to light. My therapist really wants me to talk with Ferb with the aid of Ferb's therapist. She is thinking that if I am not judgmental, that Ferb will be willing to come to me for help when the relationship blows up.

My neighbor has confirmed that Mrs. X's car has been parked in front of our house when I am gone. When you cheat on your husband, you really should not have a recognizable vanity plate.

I found a pair of ladies' sunglasses on the table. When I questioned Ferb about them, he immediately said they were his. There was an awkward moment where I knew he was lying and he knew that I knew that he was lying. I chose to drop it.

I found a house key hidden in Ferb's room.

A friend shared with me that she had a brief relationship with a high school teacher. She feels Ferb would be positively mortified if I confront the issue head on. She says there is a lot of shame and doubt and confusion swirling about these relationships.

I did some online reading about how the students feel and it seems to vary. Some feel intensely pressured while others' view it as the best thing that ever happened to them.

Now that I am positive this is happening and at my house, I am even more furious at Mrs. X. I also cannot imagine having a conversation with Ferb about it. I don't want to tell him to stop, because he will be angry with me forever. I think I have to keep squelching the urge to warn him about this woman. He won't listen to me anyway. Even when the relationship ends, I cannot imagine him coming to me for advice under any circumstances. I think I have to keep pretending I know nothing and keep gathering evidence on the side.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Can you schedule a session, just for you, with Ferb's therapist to get their take before bringing anything up to Ferb himself? How do you feel about this therapist - do you trust them, does Ferb trust them?

If you felt that "evidence" was necessary, you could install nanny cams, or voice activated recorders, in the rooms where you know, or suspect, Ferb is spending time with this woman. I don't know if Ferb is tech savvy enough to know what these would look like, or where they'd be hidden.

But I don't know if taking these steps would be productive in the long run. Since both Ferb and Mrs. X are adults the police would not be interested.

You could take the "evidence", assuming any is collected, to Mr. X and to the high school where Mrs. X works, which would probably (but not definitely) end the relationship, but then Ferb would certainly learn that you were behind it all, and who knows what would happen then.

So I guess my question is, what would you eventually do with any information you gather? Would it be productive for you, or your son? Would knowing, for certain, the exact nature of Ferb's relationship with Mrs. X give you peace of mind? Would the information lead you to a decision, such as no longer allowing Ferb to live under your roof if he is doing (whatever)? You see where I'm going here....

Best wishes, this is really a messy situation.

 

[pigless in VA]

I do trust Ferb's therapist. He is all about Ferb taking responsibility for his own actions and becoming a productive adult. He's done a great job with helping Ferb deal with and take control of his anger.

I thought about the nanny cam idea, but I really don't want to view whatever is gathered. Ick.

My thinking about the evidence is that I may at a later date go to the school. I don't think I can do that unless Ferb wants me to do so. I can't have my kid involved in a nasty situation with the school.

I had also thought about kicking Ferb out of the house. He has just a few weeks left before he goes to college, so I'm not comfortable with that timing.

I'm not comfortable with the sordid relationship going on under my roof either.


I need a Mrs. X voodoo doll.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

How does your significant other feel about the situation? Maybe his input would help?

With Ferb leaving for college in a few weeks, and I am assuming, boarding at school - it sounds like the immediate problem - this activity going on in your home - is about to be resolved without you taking any further action. I would tend to agree with you that sitting tight might be the best course of (non) action at the moment.

 

[pigless in VA]

SO, went so far as to draft an email to Mrs. X demanding that she stop. I thought it was nice that he was thinking about it, but IF I went as far I to send that email (I won't) I cannot imagine Mrs. X listening to it. She has zero boundaries. If she had good boundaries none of this would be happening.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I hope college opens Ferb's eyes, builds his confidence and lessens the hold Mrs. X has on him.

 

[mof]

Ick, she is breaking the law! And is your son the.only one?

Have you thought of going to your son and say you understand he is having a " relAtionship" and you have boundaries in your home? Not causing, not mentioning who the female.is but a conversation about what is respectful in relationship to everyone involved.

And when it's your home...YOUR involved.

 

[Crayola13]

I think the nanny cam is the only way you will ever have proof. Keep records of times, dates, etc.

I also think scheduling an appointment with the therapist just for yourself might help. Maybe the therapist could give you some advice.

 

[Littleboylost]

Ick, she is breaking the law! And is your son the.only one?

Have you thought of going to your son and say you understand he is having a " relAtionship" and you have boundaries in your home? Not causing, not mentioning who the female.is but a conversation about what is respectful in relationship to everyone involved.

And when it's your home...YOUR involved.

Sadly what she is doing is immoral and unethical but because Ferb is 18 it's not illegal. He is vulnerable and she is a predator!

 

[pigless in VA]

Crayola, that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to Ferb's therapist for advice on how to best help Ferb. This morning I was wishing for poisonous K-cups to put in my cabinet for her. This woman takes me to a very bad place.

 

[mof]

Crayola, that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to Ferb's therapist for advice on how to best help Ferb. This morning I was wishing for poisonous K-cups to put in my cabinet for her. This woman takes me to a very bad place.

Is it appropriate to laugh at that! Wait, she uses your coffee maker, um no