Interested discussion with my two adopted daughters about adoption

[BusynMember]

I wasn't sure where to put it, so I put it here.

My two daughters PastryChef (I'll call her easy child) and Jumper talked to me at the same time about living as an adoptee. I had the speaker phone on so we could all relax and talk. Both girls vehemently insisted that it is much easier to be adopted if you have adopted siblings, especially other children who look like they do. Both said it would have been very hard to have been the only adopted child in the family, no matter how well we treated them.

I don't know if all adopted children would agree, but I wonder if this isn't a common mindset amongst adopted children.

Anyhow, just putting it out there.

 

[buddy]

Quin's bio half sibling, the only other in the family to be placed out of the bio family (all were removed from mom but most went to relatives)...was adopted into a family that was part bio kids part adopted kids. The adopted kids were all adopted in pairs except Q's bio sibling. His bio sib has attachment disorder as well as autism like Q but does not have the brain injury. He also looks like Q but much lighter, he looks cauc. He is hispanic with curly hair and the same nose and even glasses. I have a picture of him at Q's current age and it is amazing.

Anyway, he was furious with his parents for not adopting Q. He felt like everyone in the family had "blood" brothers/sisters and he was left out. He felt he didn't fit in. They called social services and contacted me and I was fine with contact, but at the time Q was four and did not talk with anyone really. But I wrote for him, sent emails, and eventually they didn't respond so I guess he moved on. Q will say he has a brother. I hope some day they can connect. (If he is ok, and safe of course) I think the sibling thing does matter hugely. Q would not do well with a sib IN HOME but I think he would like it.

I can't imagine life without my sisters. I used to have nightmares about one or another dying and cried so hard I thought my heart would actually explode. I am glad your girls find a bond through that. I am sure it is not the rule for all but I bet it is a real thing for many many people.

 

[Signorina]

I have a bff from HS who was adopted. Of the 4 kids, 3 were adopted at birth -- and then a surprise bio child bringing up the tail! When we were in HS - my bff was 16, had an 18 yo adopted brother, a 14 year old sister - also adopted - who had special needs (at that time-adoption agencies limited adoptive parents to 2 children unless willing to take a special needs child), and then a 12 year old sister who was the *Surprise* (parents had been infertile)

*Surprise* child was a brat and loved to bring up that SHE had been the unwanted, unchosen child. And said so to virtually everyone and anyone who spent more than an hour in their house. Typical 12 yo girl histrionics - but "Fine, nobody wanted me anyway and I am not special like the rest of you"... and would run to her room, slam the door and "BOO HOO"!

Of course, they are all adults now and very close. LOL

 

[BusynMember]

Well, I'm not so sure she was being a brat.

My biological son has mentioned that he felt like the odd kid out since he was the only one NOT adopted...lol!

 

[Nancy]

Well all I can tell you is my experience. difficult child was very jealous of her sister because she was not adopted. I can only guess that she felt different and not loved as much although nothing could be further from the truth. I don't think it mattered what we did, she had a hole in her heart and we couldn't fill it and she resented her sister. She called her our perfect daughter and never treated her sister nice at all. husband and I have come to the conclusion that families with biochildren should think long and hard before they adopt because it is hard on everyone involved.

Today I don't think difficult child feels the same way. We've been through a lot but I don't think she could deny how much welove and support her now. But yes growing up it was an issue.

nancy

 

[Signorina]

She is a 30something, lovely mother of 3 now - but was most definitely a BRAT. Spying on us, stealing bff's makeup, tattling LOL. I miss those simpler days in life...how I couldn't wait to grow up when I was 16...wjat was I thinking

 

[Nomad]

I have always thought this and I think it is very common...possibly universal.
My difficult child adopted daughter has struggled deeply with the fact that our son is a bio child and she is the only adopted child in the family. It's been an issue from day one. Just when I think she is a little better about it all, it comes up again.

There are some adoption groups/clubs these days and I expect belonging to these social groups might be helpful.

 

[Signorina]

On a more serious note- h and I struggled to have a much wanted 4th child. I had multiple mcs, an exhausting IF workup, non invasive IF trtmt and we tried for years. Let me be clear- it was NEVER about wanting a girl- I just always wanted 4. In fact, one of the criteria for having #3 was that we would have a 4th- 3 seemed like a bad number.

We were encouraged to adopt baby 4- specifically a girl from China or Guatamala (we had friends adopting from both places at the time) We didn't pursue it bc we were afraid our boys (esp pc14) would feel like they weren't enough for us. The plan was to be foster parents - either medical or emergency s/t when difficult child went to college but of course that's been blown to bits. Too unpredictable here. :-(

 

[Malika]

This thread brought up a particular issue for me as my ex-husband and his wife are soon to have their first baby. I have asked him to be sensitive to how this will affect J but I don't know how capable he is of that. His wider family will be more so. There will be pain in it somewhere along the line for him.