Interesting "stuff"

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    AT least I think so....hee hee

    Recall my last post, difficult child is in a "mansion" of sorts, but is crying that it is "awful." She wants to move. However, the owner will not give her deposit back right now. He is doing this for two reasons. One, is that he tells her that the deal was that she is to give him one month's notice if she wants to move out and the second is in my humble opinion, he is having his own financial troubles. I do NOT think this man is a "bad" person by any means. Seems to be hard working and genuinely cares/respects difficult child. Wife is good to difficult child...both of them are. Him and his wife feel that difficult child would benefit living there and they are right.

    by the way, they give her dinner five nights a week....often making her favorite meals.

    They have rules...she has to be in by a certain time each night and can have NO ONE OVER TO THE HOUSE.

    difficult child kinda understands it all....and is starting to relent. We sweaten the deal by telling her if she agrees to stay put at least until Sept., we will buy her a small refrigerator and microwave. She jumps on it.

    However, in retrospect, I don't feel so great about this "deal." Sigh.

    So, what if we buy her the frig and microwave and what if she attempts to move out mid summer?

    There is no honor particularly among impulsive difficult children (Don't really trust her...and I don't love the idea of buying her these things based on her word that she will do something...experience tells me this is risky business)

    Anything to do? I'm thinking "no." The only small thing might be to tell her these items belong to us and then we could sell them if something goes wrong.

    Ideas? Thoughts?

    Please keep a good thought that difficult child will figure out a way to "survive" in her multi million dollar mansion + five home-made dinners. Pooooor poor difficult child. LOLOLOL! :laugh:
  2. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Well, if you are afraid of outlaying the money (and I'm guessing this isn't the only issue but the one I have a thought on), you could always look on freecycle for the items or make a request for them there. Then "you" aren't putting out the money and if she doesn't hold up her end you are out nothing. Alternatively you can buy one second hand from somewhere so the money spent is less?

    I hope that she does stay, as you want her to and it sounds like it's a good idea for her too.
  3. I can't help but wonder if homeowner is holding your difficult child to their agreement solely for for your daughter's benefit, to keep her from jumping out of a good home impulsively.

    Most difficult child's don't realize rules for protection they often see them as only punitive.

    My daughter-difficult child somehow had a respect for certain rules... she tends to work like the dickens to find a loophole... but usually when a tangible rule is established (like defined conditions for the deposit) she won't buck it. She'll still look for loopholes, but until she can find one, normally she'll honor it.

    I don't understand how their brains work.

    I wonder... will the homeowner allow her to have her own microwave & fridge in her portion of their home? Was there a pre-existing understanding between them about a microwave or fridge? I'd recommend looking into that before you purchase anything.

    I like Tiapet's idea of freecycle...
    you could even try craigslist. Those two items are biggies for college students. If you can't get them free on freecycle, you may be able to get them cheap from a recent college grad!

    Keep us posted! :D
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nomad, it would seem odd that an owner of a multi million dollar mansion who is having financial issues is going to benefit from difficult child's pittance that I'm sure barely covers her 5 meals a week and electricity. It's an odd arrangement to be sure.
    If they aren't harming difficult child and she is safe, then what is her alternative? She has no where to go.
    I would want her to "do to get". Before she gets her "prize" she has to accomplish some goal. You decide.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest hit the nail on the head. There is really no "do to get" here. Simply, difficult children "word" that she will stay put for the summer. This is meaningless for a variety of reasons.

    TALAN...Also very accurate. They want to help difficult child and have said that they are gently encouraging her to stay because they recognize that they can be of help.

    I consider them at this point...blessings! :D

    The only slight caveat is that difficult child complains that she needs to move 'cause the owners of the home will NOT let her use their kitchen facilities and this is a legit complaint. To make up for this "flaw" in the arrangement, they are giving her five dinners a week. However, difficult child is still with-o breakfast, lunch and two dinners.

    Have not figured out a way to get in a lesson here...I always try to do this and its a bit frustrating.

    However, we DID come to the same conclusion: USED "stuff."

    So, we already have located a refrigerator for a low low price on Craigslist. difficult child is balking....too bad, so sad. It is sickening how many of these types of things we have already purchased for her and I'm not happy about doing it again. We told her if we can't find a used microwave soon, we will buy her an inexpensive new one. WE will also tell her these two items belong to us and if she moves prior to Sept., they go back to us. NOT a great situation....but....

    YEP, the situation with- these folks in the expensive house is WEIRD. They have a business. They are from another state. The business has NOT been doing well for 2-3 years.

    I certainly don't think they are in a desperate situation financially, but there are strong indications of concerns. They have said that if difficult child doesn't stay, they will probably rent the former maid's quarters to someone else.

    They don't mind her setting up a microwave and frig.

    My guess is they do benefit slightly from her check...they are taking about 95% of it for rent.

    They DO like difficult child. They have a history...difficult child has helped THEM over the last year or two (long story). They are well aware of her idiocyncracies (sp?) and this is why they have set up rules.

    The entire thing is a long/weird story. As usual, I'm just hoping for the best....UGH! :tongue:

    Many thanks....and by the way.....

    What is freecycle??????
  6. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    freecycle dot org is a list where people post things they are getting rid of so it doesn't end up in the landfills (garbage) or post things they are looking for/want. Very often you find things that aren't things you'd think are garbage to be thrown away, they are perfectly good things in good condition but people don't need or want them anymore. Yes, it sounds to be good to be true but it is VERY true (I've gotten a very nice rocker recliner from it so I know as well as given away lots of clothing, lamps, computer equipment that was outdated, etc...). You will be amazed at the stuff you can find there though to. People will post such odd things like scraps of fabric, magazines, empty pill bottles, parts of houses that they have demolished (like wood working, doors, windows, sinks, etc...) anything, ANYTHING, you can think of, you can find and if you are in a big Metro area, even better because the group will be large and available items will be more. I happen to be in a metro so our group is huge so items are very varied and expansive/multiple (which also is a downside as there are so many wanting them too).
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    To be honest, I wouldn't want to live there either, mansion or not. She has a bedroom and probably a bathroom but she doesn't have open kitchen privileges, she has a curfew and she can't even have any company over. For someone who has lived on her own for awhile, 5 dinners a week wouldn't make up for the rules and lack of freedom if this was me. Are these the things she is protesting? What other benefits for her am I missing, Nomad?

  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest are missing ALOT!
    difficult child really SHOULD be in some sort of managed facility. Well, let's put it this way...she is a hair away from this perspective. Our state is one of the worst in the country for opportunities for that AND difficult child is NOT open to going.
    She has been evicted approximately 13 times in the last 18 months. I have lost count.
    MOST have been because of odd decisions she has made allowing others to come into her life. She can NOT say no.
    She has had, for example, nine homeless men living in her place. SOME were convicted felons.
    She has OFTEN gone hungry. She gets her food stamp money and spends a month's worth in a week. Sometimes she gives it away, sometimes she eats it all.
    There are TOOOOO many stories to tell. She has also been hungry and in danger many, many times.
    These people care for her and are protecting her since she does not seem at least for now to have common sense. Sense enough to protect herself from harm (often)). AND, my guess is they are protecting their own home and property.
    It is, to be sure, a complicated situation....but a potential blessing and man oh man, I personally am VERT grateful.
    difficult child...probably another story. I thank G-d above that this is a moment in history that someone has offered real help. It happens so RARELY. I pray difficult child takes it...would do her good. She can't even hold down a least partially because she is moving so much. Can't save a least partially cause she is moving so much. But the worst of it, is putting herself in harm's way.
    If difficult child were to go to the managed type facilities here, the rules would be significantly more strigent. She knows this.
    The homeowners have said that if she can follow these fules for awhile, they night lighten up a bit on the weekends.
    Overall, the situation is not bad. She is near a bus stop...can meet her friends at the nearby local coffee shop, etc. AND she is very friendly with the homeowner's young step daughter....who is sweet and kind to her.
    It's the BEST situation by far she has had in the last 18 months or so.
    We told her if she promises to stay at least until Sept. (which she did) we will get her the frig and microwave by Sunday night.
    Don't know if I should bother having her sign something. Years of being ripped off has me skeptical.
    But the unusual situation, I think, warrants some help.
    I am so GRATEFUL for the potential help/improvement/safety/stability for difficult child after nearly two years of chaos, etc. It has been my experience that gratefulness is something difficult children are not really good at. I pray that this changes.
    We are keeping our eyes out for any unfairness toward difficult child. But so far, they have been very fair. The rent is fair and they have thrown in the meals because they felt bad about not letting her use the kitchen. She can use the pool and laundry room and they literally gave up their garage so she can put her cats in there. They have no problem with- her setting up a microwave and refrigerator. The place large and lovely, in a GREAT neighborhood. Sure, not ideal for a difficult child....but she is safe and it is far better than a treatment type facility...especially since difficult child vehemently refuses to go to a place like that.
    difficult child is thrilled about the refrigerator, and has had (knock on wood) several good days.
    Lasted edited by : Jun 3, 2010
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like a really good situation for her, once the fridge and microwave are arranged. As she has lost other fridges and microwaves you have purchased for her, why not engrave YOUR name on the appliances? Not just on the bottom, on the side or door where it can be easily seen.

    Then if she gives it away or walks away from it or whatever you can say it was not hers to get rid of, and get it back. Having the name so visible will make the items less "pretty" but it will be a reminder that they are yours and the items will be much less attractive to others because proof it isn't theirs is so easily seen.

    I would go to a pawnshop for these items before I paid retail. Last time I was in our pawnshop they had a nice little fridge for $20 and a small microwave for $15.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Pawn shop is a good idea.
    Forgot to mention, they are willing to take difficult child to the grocery store once a week and have already started doing that! :D
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nomad, please don't misunderstand. I truly do understand where you are coming from. I read and remember those other stories and her awful experiences. This would be an ideal situation for her from YOUR (any parent's) perspective for her safety and benefit. I think the "trick" to this is to prove to your difficult child that it is also ideal from HER perspective.

    I was offering to you how she was possibly seeing it---your challenge is to identify things she has been missing and wants and can't have unless she goes along with this arrangement. If it's as simple as providing a fridge, that will be great and certainly makes it easier for you. :)

  12. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    An interesting point.
    difficult child has had two job offers since being in this location. I don't believe she has had a job offer in about a year.

    She has been here for five weeks...longer than any other place for a year or more. The job opportunities have made her happy. The person working with- her to help her find work, had stopped working with- her saying that since she was moving so much, it was impossible for him to even attempt to find her employment. The deal was for her to only stay for the summer. Our hope is that if she can fight of the impulsivity issues...take a breather...on her own...she will determine that this situation is the less of the evils for her. Honestly, even from her perspective its not all that bad. Just not ideal.

    Two months ago, her living situation was dire and I did not post hardly any information about the situation (s) at all.

    So, some minor and temporary intervention with- a little lesson thrown in....a good thing.
    Again, for this very moment, she is happy and safe. Even thinking in a healthier manner. Living in this place makes things easier for me and easier for her. Getting her to see this (from her perspective) is very difficult. Getting her to stay for the summer...buys more time.

    I am pleased and profoundly grateful for it all....
    Lasted edited by : Jun 5, 2010
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    You can't ask for much for than that. I'm delighted to hear this.