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Interesting Update on difficult child 2
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<blockquote data-quote="SRL" data-source="post: 9402" data-attributes="member: 701"><p>Janna, </p><p></p><p>Ive been thinking about your situation this weekend and waiting for your report of the weekend actually started typing whats below even before you made your update. </p><p></p><p>Truthfully given all that has passed it would be far more surprising to me if these home visits worked out than to hear things went badly. Nothing is typical about this relationship and living arrangement and if he were to come into your home every other weekend displaying good behavior and blending in nicely with the family, now THAT would be a total shocker. </p><p></p><p>From my outsiders point of view, both you and difficult child are currently in a standoff sort of situation and which is lose-lose if it continues on as is. It seems to me that you are faced with three choices: 1) make one last attempt at making him become a functional full time part of your family and give it everything youve got to make it work, 2) cut ties legally so both of you can move on or 3) if you decide not to go for it or if he cant be reunited, accept that while hes living under someone elses roof with numerous other people involved, you will have very limited input into his life. You will continue to fight this frustrating battle of trying to exert parental influence and control in his life when your hands are tied by virtue of having your son reside under someone else's roof.</p><p></p><p>Before deciding to pursue the route of reunification, I really encourage you to think about consulting with an expert in the area of attachment who has experience with situations like this. The side that we hear here are some pretty bad behaviors and I dont doubt those, but my gut feeling is that underneath all of that crud is a hurting child who feels very much rejected both by his biological and foster parents. It doesnt matter how old or how mature we are, most of us are capable of some nasty behaviors when were dealing with feelings of rejection for purposes of self preservation. Janna, you know me well enough by now to know I dont mean to be unkind with this next statement, but the feelings youve expressed about him here come off as highly ambivalent (not intitally listing him as part of your family profile, will always be his mother, love him but cant live with him, resentment/anger/mistrust). Maybe Ive missed something or we just get the venting angle but I cant remember ever hearing a single positive comment about difficult child 2 or any kind of enthusiasm about spending time with him. You can put all sorts of rules and plans in place but if the parent-child bond never had the opportunity to develop normally and be nurtured properly then that needs to be addressed first and be taken into account every step of the way. </p><p></p><p>I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's intended. I know that with all your heart you wish things had been different with this child but since you can't turn back the wheels of time and you're likely to only get one last chance while he's still underage, I thought it was important to mention. I sincerely commend you for sticking with this kid and fighting for what you think is best for him. </p><p></p><p>SRL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SRL, post: 9402, member: 701"] Janna, Ive been thinking about your situation this weekend and waiting for your report of the weekend actually started typing whats below even before you made your update. Truthfully given all that has passed it would be far more surprising to me if these home visits worked out than to hear things went badly. Nothing is typical about this relationship and living arrangement and if he were to come into your home every other weekend displaying good behavior and blending in nicely with the family, now THAT would be a total shocker. From my outsiders point of view, both you and difficult child are currently in a standoff sort of situation and which is lose-lose if it continues on as is. It seems to me that you are faced with three choices: 1) make one last attempt at making him become a functional full time part of your family and give it everything youve got to make it work, 2) cut ties legally so both of you can move on or 3) if you decide not to go for it or if he cant be reunited, accept that while hes living under someone elses roof with numerous other people involved, you will have very limited input into his life. You will continue to fight this frustrating battle of trying to exert parental influence and control in his life when your hands are tied by virtue of having your son reside under someone else's roof. Before deciding to pursue the route of reunification, I really encourage you to think about consulting with an expert in the area of attachment who has experience with situations like this. The side that we hear here are some pretty bad behaviors and I dont doubt those, but my gut feeling is that underneath all of that crud is a hurting child who feels very much rejected both by his biological and foster parents. It doesnt matter how old or how mature we are, most of us are capable of some nasty behaviors when were dealing with feelings of rejection for purposes of self preservation. Janna, you know me well enough by now to know I dont mean to be unkind with this next statement, but the feelings youve expressed about him here come off as highly ambivalent (not intitally listing him as part of your family profile, will always be his mother, love him but cant live with him, resentment/anger/mistrust). Maybe Ive missed something or we just get the venting angle but I cant remember ever hearing a single positive comment about difficult child 2 or any kind of enthusiasm about spending time with him. You can put all sorts of rules and plans in place but if the parent-child bond never had the opportunity to develop normally and be nurtured properly then that needs to be addressed first and be taken into account every step of the way. I hope you will take this in the spirit in which it's intended. I know that with all your heart you wish things had been different with this child but since you can't turn back the wheels of time and you're likely to only get one last chance while he's still underage, I thought it was important to mention. I sincerely commend you for sticking with this kid and fighting for what you think is best for him. SRL [/QUOTE]
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