Interesting update on difficult child

[DammitJanet]

He is back home again after a very bad attempt at a job in KY. It was found out when they did a pre-employment physical that they think he has "mild" diabetes. I dont know what that means. They also simply wouldnt take a chance on him because of his back and neck issues. What ticks me off is they didnt have him do a physical here but instead he had to pay for a bus to get him all the way to KY and then they didnt work him and sent him home on the Friday of the same week. They told him they were going to pay him from Tuesday - Friday but they never have. That really hurts because of course he didnt have the money and I paid for it. He was going to pay me back with his first check but since they never paid him, no way to pay me back.

However, on Monday we both had a dr's appointment with the same doctor and it appears the diabetes they claimed he had is not there. He is .3 lower than it takes to get that diagnosis. His A1C is 5.7 and they said they dont consider it a problem until it reaches 6 or higher.

They also got him a referral to our ortho doctor and to the pain clinic. Well they are waiting for the fax back from the pain clinic but that shouldnt take long. They already got him an appointment with the ortho doctor. Thats really good news because the last time he saw this ortho they told him he would probably need surgery on his back within the year and I think he does. It looks like the surgery he had at age 4 has completely come undone. His scapula and collar bone just float under his skin. It will be hard if he has to have surgery but we will get through it. He doesnt want to believe that he cant do what he wants to do but actually climbing those towers is downright dangerous the way his arm and shoulder are right now.

Meanwhile he is back here which means the Mouse is here constantly. I dont know why her mother doesnt keep her considering according to what she says, she is only working 2 days a week. She got this other job trying to get people to give her their phone numbers so an insurance company call them but I doubt that pays anything but commission if anyone buys something.

One thing that is really bugging me about her - and I get yelled at when I bring it up - is that she needs to realize that she really needs to be the breadwinner and difficult child has got to be the stay at home dad since he is disabled. Instead she gets these no account jobs instead of a real full time job and has now decided to go back to our local university to be a Speech Pathologist. Trust me, I dont think that will work. She has her associates so she could get a decent job...or I would even say it was okay to go get her CNA which is a 6 week class, but to go back to school for more than 2 more years is just dumb. I mean she could go part time I suppose but she wont do that. Also I think she should check with someone to make sure she can even get work with her criminal record. Personally I think she would make a good waitress and probably bring home good tips because she is pretty and has a good little figure. Maybe I just have a differing view on how a couple should act when all things are known upfront. In my opinion this would be like hubby leaving me because I became disabled. He didnt and in fact he is working through severe pain himself because he has to be the breadwinner in our family. I also wouldnt have left him if he had become disabled and somehow we would have figured out how to survive. Mouses mother is still acting like difficult child should be the one who supports all of them when he really cant. She uses her money on fun things.

 

[helpangel]

Work they could do from home on the computer might be a way to go, though good ones that aren't scams are hard to find.

Sending good thoughts
Nancy

 

[DammitJanet]

Yes that would be ideal. I have tried to tell him he can do that but he would have to get a place to live that is able to get high speed internet. The last 2 places they have lived didnt have that access. I think disability will help get one of those jobs but he needs the access to get their help. Believe me I dont want him here much longer. We do much better when not under the same roof.

 

[scent of cedar]

That's the frustrating thing about adult kids moving home. We see a way out that they refuse to take...but, whether with our money or our irreplaceable time, we find ourselves paying for their poor choices. Like you, I get involved in all the little details. I should be happily involved in my own and husband's joys and concerns. It's so darn hard to do that! We really have nothing to say about the kids' finances or lifestyles.

Why, I haven't thought about high heels, false eyelashes, or anything sparkly since difficult child came home. In a way, that's the true cost of all this for us. We aren't enough of ourselves to play around with who we are or who we might like to think about being, when we have to be serious adults who are supposed to be all wise and whatever.

Grrr....

Someone needs to write a song about how Grandmas and Grandpas just want to have fun.

:O)


How long until difficult child (and mouse) move back in with difficult child's S.O.?

And here's the other thing. By the time whichever family member it is finally have themselves together enough to leave our homes? We have major adjustments to make, before we get back to enjoying the rhythms of our own lives enough to reclaim playfulness.

It's tough. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the appropriate response. Burning resentment? No, that wouldn't be good. Total, cheery acceptance?

Rereading Joel Osteen?

Admitting I don't have a clue, and am just going to have to muddle through as best I know?

Yeah, doggone it. That seems to be what I want to do.

Then, I spend a lot of time going through everything with husband, whose response is getting to be, more and more, "I don't care what they do, as long as they don't do it from here. And don't expect me to pay for it."

Which they are, and do, of course.

I swear? If I did buy something sparkly or wear false eyelashes? Not only am I sort of too depressed to carry that off, these days?

But I don't think husband would even notice.

How crummy is that?!?

There has to be a center, a place of strength from which we can simply do the right thing without resentment. These are people who matter to us.

I suppose the way to do it is to realize we had another choice, but we made this one.

I am trying really hard to find that place.

Guess I will dig out those high heels and fake it 'til I make it.

:O)

Cedar

P.S. But here is the other thing. We were all sitting outside the other night, playing Johnny Cash and laughing about "Understanding Our Man." difficult child did not find it funny. She found it goofy.

We turned it off and went back inside.

************

After I posted, I realized that husband and I are just going to have to be who we are trying to get to be whether difficult child feels awkward or not. Just as difficult child is not who we envisioned, we don't have to be anywhere near who difficult child wants to believe we still are.

That is the source of my resentment. That I can no longer play and be irresponsible with husband. In our own house. With our own stuff and our own money. Because we keep replacing things for difficult child, or wondering what this next fiasco with difficult child is going to cost, or planning for how to raise an adolescent if difficult child messes up again.

With all these responsible things we are determined to accomplish, how can we be as irresponsible as we would like to be?

Not very pretty.

But that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

Thank goodness this site is anonymous.

Cedar slinks away to find her high heels.

:O)

****************

Oh, whatever. Here I am, responding to my own post, again.

What it is, is that it makes adult children uncomfortable to see their parents being affectionate, to see them laughing and living lives that have absolutely nothing to do with parenting. Or with displaying what passes for wisdom while we are parenting. (I've decided wisdom, at mine and husband's ages, has to do with being irresponsible. It has to do with false eyelashes and sparkly underwear and drinking too much sometimes and PLAYING.)

Guys? I may never bake another cookie.

**************

And one more observation: That laughing and fooling around husband and I used to do is where we came away with enough strength to look at the rest of this head on. No wonder we feel so crummy and bickersome, lately.

I apologize for sort of highjacking your post, Dammit.

:O)

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sometimes blood sugar levels fluctuate. Since the pre-employment physical showed "mild" diabetes, that might be what happened. By "mild" they probably meant pre diabetes. Mouse's mother sounds like she needs to grow up and step up to provide for her family. I understand what you are saying about her going back to school. I hope things work out for your son, pain wise and work wise.

 

[InsaneCdn]

That laughing and fooling around husband and I used to do is where we came away with enough strength to look at the rest of this head on. No wonder we feel so crummy and bickersome, lately.

I don't think DJ will mind because... whether that was written for her or not, it WAS written for me.
Thanks.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Barbara, I thought of you when I saw this on Facebook tonight. After reading your post, it occurred to me that there must come a time when we stop being parents around our kids and start being ourselves. It may be uncomfortable, but geez, you can't live in your own home editing yourself, you have to be YOU. Your daughter's uncomfortableness is her problem not yours. I walked on those egg shells when my daughter was around too and it was HELL. I had to force myself to get over that. Barbara, give yourself permission to be as quirky and funny as you want and if your difficult child doesn't like it..........tough.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I guess one good thing in our situation is that difficult child laughs along with us about affectionate stuff. If I ask husband to come to bed early he laughs at his dad and says "guess momma is feeling frisky, better get going!"

We try not to change our actual lives but sometimes we have to because we are stuck with mouse when they go out. Last night husband actually asked where mouse was going to go to school when it started. She is just turning 2 in September but we have no clue what things will be like when she is 4 and 5. Heck next year she can start early head start and trust me if she is here, she will be going!

If it has to be that mouse ends up here most of the time, which I dont want because she is such a handful, I guess we will just make do. Actually she is such a daddy's girl it would kill her not to be with him. The minute she wakes up in the morning or from a nap her first words are "where daddy?" I am going to implore that these two get her checked out by that Under 3 program because I think she is behind in her talking. If nothing else it will get some help started so she gets in early head start next year. Actually I think if they think its significant but not threatening they could put her in early head start now. Mouse could also stand to learn to listen a bit more and learn that biting and scratching others is a bad thing to do.

As far as when they will move in together...well I dont know. He wants to get a job ASAP anywhere in the country and move on but at this particular moment I want him to stay put and go through these next doctor's appts we have scheduled. If our ortho says he needs surgery anytime soon we will definitely keep him here. That has never been something his father and I have said we wont do. Its been a fact in our life that he could end up needing our help if things like that came up in his future. Its simply something we have resigned ourselves to because we chose to have him when given a choice all those years ago. The doctor's said they didnt know what could be wrong with him but we said we would deal with what came up.

 

[scent of cedar]

If I ask husband to come to bed early he laughs at his dad and says "guess momma is feeling frisky, better get going!"

We try not to change our actual lives

If it has to be that mouse ends up here most of the time...I guess we will just make do.

Its simply something we have resigned ourselves to because we chose to have him when given a choice all those years ago.

O!M!G! Janet, on the "Mama's feeling frisky."

:O)

We thought we were being quite racy to laugh and play Johnny Cash with difficult child around. Which would explain why the kids think we have no lives outside of them and their concerns...because as far as they know, we don't.

And I do go into "perfect grandma" mode when the grandkids are around. Just like I tried to do "perfect mom/perfect wife" when the kids were little.

But...real boats rock.

And perfect is as much about warmth and acceptance, warts and all, as it is about things being clean and freshly baked cookies. In fact, if there were ever anyone who is not about keeping things clean and baking cookies...it is difficult child. But she is earthy and warm and all about how she messed up and oh well, other things are more important. (!) And to take this a step further (though I am probably going to erase this part before I post it), difficult child son refuses to allow me to play "perfect grandma" with his kids. That would be no cooking whatever they want whenever they want or letting them get away with not picking up after themselves or treating them like they are the most important little beings in the Universe....)

Warmth and acceptance is hard for me. I can only be warm and accepting when everything looks like it is supposed to and dinner's on the way.

You've given me a lot to think about.


**********************

Your comment about having made a choice and accepting what is...you are a very wise woman, Dammit. Realizing the taste of the way I judge things always takes me by surprise. I've been viewing all this through a thin film of rage, resentment, and shame. Because if things don't look perfect, then I have to fix them to meet my definition of okay. But so far, nothing is working. So, to cover my rage, my confusion and resentment, I get very plastic. (In my own defense, I have to say that I actually do know of families in which every single thing IS perfect. Seriously. The kids are, like, doctors married to attorneys. They come to visit, and everyone is clean and no one is on probation.)

:O)

After everything I have done to help myself feel better...it turns out to be less the fact of what has happened that is making me miserable than the messiness of accepting what is without feeling that I've been singled out, that I've messed up somewhere, that I have to find some way to put things back in order before I can just "be."

Which explains why the Brene Brown and Osteen materials work for me.

Cedar

Recovering, you are right, about our children forcing our growth.

Oh, brother.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well, I am so not a homemaker and June Cleaver and Betty Crocker would croak if they ever met me...lol. Part of my lack of homemaking skills comes a lot from my mom. She was nuts about keeping house and gave me very few chores because I obviously couldnt meet her standards. My entire life as far as I can remember was to clean my bathroom and empty the dishwasher! I actually thought there was a clean clothes fairy because I tossed my dirty clothes on the floor in my closet and miraculously they would appear again clean, washed and folded.

You can imagine my shock when I left home and the same thing didnt happen...lol.

I also had 3 different but still somewhat difficult and messy boys to raise. They left a trail behind them and couldnt give a hoot. Its funny now but my middle son is the most successful of all his close friends. Well I guess if success is doing something you love and get paid to do it.

I was doing some research today to write up a little note for difficult child's doctor appointment on Tuesday because he simply cannot remember all that happened when he was dxd and had surgery at age 4. Reading up on it I found out that I was right to feel it was my fault because this physical deformity is caused when the child is still an embryo and the spine and shoulders start to form. That is the time period I was so sick and having the xrays. Im still glad we kept him though sometimes I wonder if it was a completely fair decision for him. But things are done and we have to live with it. I did learn though that almost all of his physical issues can be tied to this condition. It explains his almost non-existent neck movement and that he has scoliosis. I am betting he has fused disks in his cervical area like I read. I really hope they can do something for him because its so hard seeing him looking this way.

 

[susiestar]

I truly hope he stays put and has whatever surgery and therapy are needed for him to be out of pain and able to lead a healthier life iwth less pain. I hope the pain docs give him good care and medications also and that his SO does not take them to party or sell. I don't know if pills are her thing, but she seems to care so little for him or the baby that I would not put it past her. I just have not ever trusted her, Know what I mean??

As for the baby, get her signed up for evaluation or whatever through the school and just drag youngest son with you to sign the papers. If SO has a problem, she can then take care of the child for more than a couple of hours.

 

[scent of cedar]

It would be so hard for me too Janet, to know something I needed had resulted in challenges for my child. But you chose life for him. That took such courage! You must love him so much, knowing what a miracle it is that he is here, at all.

I hope every good thing for him on Tuesday.

Cedar

 

[DammitJanet]

We do love him but over the years we have had to remind each other that we chose this...lol. He didnt make that choice. This physical thing really does bother me because he so badly wants to work and he has a good work ethic but when you cant even turn your head or lift your left arm up past his waist...about...well, that makes it hard to work. He was the one who messed up his life so he doesnt have the ability to get a regular job though. He should have been a white collar worker instead of a blue collar. He never thought he was smart enough but to be honest I think he was my smartest kid and thats saying something when I have oldest who had an IQ of about 138.

Cory is smart though medication has not helped that. He learns so darned easily.