Interestng Evening


Roll With It
On Sat Wiz called and asked if we would come over on Sun to celebrate his birthday. He worked the entire thanksgiving holiday and his birthday so we couldn't celebrate then. he was 21 this year! He still hasn't gone out for a drink, lol. He doesn't seem to think it is a big deal, which in my opinion is awesome.

Then my dad called to see if the kids would come over early to decorate the cake because my mom wasn't feeling well. thank you went because J wasn't feeling well. She pushed too hard making a special cheesecake for Wiz and messed up her back and got a migraine.

After thank you was gone, I had a panic attack. I haven't spoken to my mom for any length of time since August. Several times seh has asked to call me back, and then I don't hear from her. I call and leave messages on her cell and the house phone and have not gotten ANY return calls in that time. So I had NO clue what was going on or if I would be ambushed emotionally. it was too much and I cracked.

husband was super sweet, reminded me that WE are not the 'sick' ones, that we have gone to therapy with J and thank you and that the feedback from ALL the tdocs is pretty much "WTH??? What is wrong with your mom/bro/dad/difficult child? That is really unhealthy!".

So we went over. There was an issue with my bro but he wasn't there. Niece was, and she is a delight. We had a good night. My mom again claimed cell phone problems, saying that her phone will sudenly show up with messages with no time or date, and those with dates are often 2-3 weeks old. Um, this has supposedly been happening for almost ten years. Really?

They have had ZERO messages on their house phone from us. No missing messages from anyone else. gee, turns out bro was there each day I left messages, at somepoint after I called. I know because they keep track of him and niece in case exsil makes abuse allegations and so they can possibly get custody if they can prove exsil unfit. This info is on a calendar and I checked it with-o being obvious - no one realized I was doing it or they would have made it a big deal.

Bro is erasing my messages. I am sure of it, but short of video of his face where you can also clearly see which buttons he is pressing on the answering machine (yes, they still have one), this will NOT be believed by my mom. Dad let me know that he is aware of it but also that he doesn't think he can do anything. He doesn't want my mom to be upset. he and mom are afraid that bro will 'start' drinking again if they put too much pressure on him. they also worry because he might try to take niece away from them and they are the only real stability in her life. All the stability bro provides (which is NOT the kind I would recommend) is actually done because they provide it to him via rent, moeny, cars, babysitting on tap 24/7, etc....

We did have a good night. FOUR TIMES Wiz came up behind me or beside me and hugged me. This is the first time in many years that I haven't had to ask for a hug, that he hasn't rebuffed my request for a hug. He hasn't initiated hugs since he was 8 or 9. WOW! That alone made it a great night.

He is a neat kid. Very patient with some people, esp his boss whom he hates. He loves his other coworkers for the most part, and he is HIGHLY regarded by his coworkers. he works at a grocery and the owner is not just senile but cruel and abusive. I hate this man because the things he has done to Wiz, and until wiz quits he has asked that I not say anything to the man. He just does what he can to drive the man nuts by using his own rules against him! Like getting $15 worth of food for lunch for $0.75 by using coupons that customers don't want. He follows ALL the rules about 1 item per coupon, etc... and he would never steal, but he drives this man crazy with his own rules.

Wiz is really gifted at this, lol! Always was.

I hope at some point my mother will figure out how to reach out, and that we will have a better relationship. Until then? It won't paralyze me nearly as often as it did in the past. It won't impact my life as much as it used to. And I have the support of a great husband, my kids, and the wisdom of some awesome tdocs to help me cope.

in my opinion that is real progress for me!

I DID almost make my mom spit coffee all over with this:

"I couldn't figure out why God wasn't answering my prayers. Until I realized I was yelling for the dog." Wiz had told a couple of dyslexia jokes (we all have a bit of this in my family) and I couldn't resist.

The cheesecake was AWESOME - and I managed to recreate this recipe that I lost several years ago!


Active Member
Sounds like progress! Glad the night was fun. So proud of Wiz! As for difficult child bro. Keep calling and leaving messages. There has to be a time he isn't around to erase!


Well-Known Member
Susie, I'm so sorry about the panic attack, but very glad that the evening went well. Sounds like things are progressing well with Wiz.
As for your gfgbro and your mum, I don't know that she's ever going to let herself see things as they are. To do so would be to admit that she failed in protecting you from him all these years. That might not be something she's willing or able to face. You know it's a dysfunctional dynamic. I think you're handling things perfectly. And CJ has it right. You are a pillar of strength.


Well-Known Member
As an outsider and someone who had absolutely no relationship with her parents for years before they died and none with her sister for even longer, I have to say that your parents do seem like people who step up. They took Wiz in when his being around you was unsafe for you and your other kids and now they are raising a grand-daughter. My parents couldn't be bothered to send a birthday card to my kids. Maybe you and your mom could spend some alone time together and just talk about life.


Old Hand
Sounds like over all it was a good night and had some pluses for you (the hugs in particular). I'm sorry the "other" things didn't go so well and continue to be what they are. I agree with Sven. ;)


Roll With It
Thank you all. There were some wonderful parts to the evening, and other than the panic attack, no real bad parts.

Part of the panic attack came from having my mom not return so many calls. We had intended to go to lunch and talk, and do a few other things together. In many ways we enjoy each other and miss each other. So having her not call me at all for months, not even after telling me that she would call me back at a specific time and day? And not answer her phone at that time/day either? Sent me into a bad place.

My parentsdo step in. My mom spent many years trying to get me to give her custody of Wiz. She would tell husband and I how he would be sooooooooooo much better living 13 hrs away from us, sending him boxes of toys and games and new clothes (he was a total clothes junky until about 7 or 8) every month (more often than once a week most months). She undermined us a whole lot until we agreed to let him live with my mom and dad. My dad was unaware of a LOT of this. He would have been furious. by the time I realized that, there was no point in telling my dad. it would only cause problems.

But they do love all the grands, and they do try to do their best and have taken on a LOT. We do appreciate this and recognize this. Like any of us, they did the best they could and when they knew better and were capable of doing better, they daughter better. Or at least they tried.

Mom and i are going to try to get together this week or next to have lunch and maybe do some holiday planning and shopping. We want to rebuild our relationship.

I realized I accidentally erased something from my original post.

My bro had his car crisis a few mnutes before husband and i arrived at my folks. He tried to invite himself for dinner. My mother and father TOGETHER told him he couldn't come over because ths was their evening with us.

in my opinion this is HUGE. Then they did not bring this up as a brag, it just came as a comment when they mentioned something else he daughter.