Hello all. I am mother to 3, divorced twice, engaged, wedding date a year a way and fiance and I live together in his house. I work as an LPN and I will be 34 in Oct. Family HX: Grandmother with- undiaganosed depression, her child who is my mother also with- undiagnosed depression. My mother smokes pot and has since teens. She has hx of experimenting with drugs but she is mostly a funtional pot smoker. Worked the same clerical job for 25 years, now retired. My father was an alcoholic with violent tendencies and occasional polysubstanc abuse. He died 3 years ago of vascular/liver failure from his drinking.I could be wrong here but I think he may have been undiagnosed bipolar. My mothers side of the family is very creative but also a hx of early childhood learning diablilties. My fathers I dont know since he was disowned around the age of 20 after his father accidentally drowned while fishing, I think his mother was not quite right and intended to cut him from the will. He and his dad were plumbers by trade. GHG1 now 14 yo, Sniper, my beloved son. We struggled for years with his constant talking, impulse control, sensitivity, hyperactivity and worrying/axiety and medication. At 6 his teacher said test him for ADHD. We did. He was diagnosis'd with. We did ritalin- hated it but had no alternative. We then saw a psychiatric doctor and tried concert 54 mg (@ 7y/o and he was already really skinny kid but he could not sit still and stop talking otherwise) I never gave him medications at home because I could always handle him with several tricks I'd pick up from talking to other moms and things I came up with on my own. Other parents, family wanted me to spank him- Never worked unless he'd done something he knew to be wrong like break something that belonged to someone else ect... Spanking him for the hyperactive bouncy and nonstop talk only tramatized him as he felt he was being as 'calm' as he could. I believe that. Missed his medications one day and got paddled at school, cryed for 2 hours and was very fearful. Principal who is only one allowed to paddle told me he would never do that again (good, hope you get it now you a$%). Sniper and I bonded over this, all of it brought us closer together, formed a firm bond of trust and openness between us. I love him like crazy. He turned a corner @ 12 years old (around the time I had my series of episodes and suicide a attempt after 2nd husband- not his father- and I split and Sprite, difficult child 2 left to live with- her biodad -also Snipers biodad). I was hospitalized 3 times that summer and grandparents took Sniper to live with them. My youngest from 2nd marriage, Pixie 8y/o now, stayed with biodad. I dont know what happened but Snipers grandparents where reluctant to put him on medications when he started school back and he did well without. He matured in a lot of ways and we'd trained for this day, he and I, the day I cant be the only one who 'gets' him. I guess it came earlier than we thought and he rose to the occasion. Hes an expert gamer, always has been, loves xbox live. Loves zombies. I love him. 14 now and lives with biodad, we see each other every weekend if not more often... Ex1 is a good friend and we get along well. Now..... the downside/bad news. All that attention Sniper got royally ticked difficult child 2 11 yo Sprite off. She was always quiet and portrayed a very sweet nature but she stuffed a lot of anger and resentment. Me and ex1 divorced when she was 19 months old. She blamed me for taking her father away later. In addition she got to watch Pixie get doted on and be daddys little girl for 5 years. We actually have an early picture of pixie and sprite and we thought sprite was trying to hug her but when you look at the pick she is mock-strangling her with a smile on her face... At 8yo Sprite wanted to live with- her dad and to make a long story short she did. 2 years later she comes back to live with me and she came back at 10 yo and she came back a hot mess. She is manipulative and a doll when she gets her way. She favors men. The biggest shock were the 'tantrums'. She doesnt get her way and she blows up, steam practically comes out her ears she makes unintelibable sounds/growns/moans/screams, falls on the floor kicking. Screams she hates me, she hates her life, no one loves her blah blah blah... She broke her bedroom door kicking it. My thought is she is too old for a toddler tantrum and too young at 10 yo for puberty being an issue. I figured this was transition behavior after living with biodad. I expect more and am more strict. It continued to happen tho. She started missing the bus after I went to work. Got a letter from truancy officer that if she missed any more days I would be fined 1000$ or go to jail. The last 3 weeks of school last year the only way I could get her to go was to show her the letter and ask her did she want us to go to jail instead of school?? She went. Summer was not as bad. She still had fits when she didnt get her way. She made a few scenes but things seemed to be getting better. She was a little more respectful and tolerated and even learned to enjoy her younger sister (who stays weeks with biodad and weekends with me). When I talked about Sprites behavior with her dad he just shrugged it off and said she stayed grouned at his house when she did it and that she just has a bad temper----- BAD TEMPER MY A@@! This child is a walking mood kaleidascope with no self control or ability to self sooth. She turned 11 in May, she started school (a different one) and it all started over... its disruptive to everyones morning. She flat out refused and hid one day, I went to the school and got the cop there to escort me to the house to talk to her and explain this isnt just me being mean, she has to go. We started therapy right after that. Therapy is helping. She responds to and likes the therapist. She can be absolutely appropriate, even loving and nearly natural, she frustrates easy tho and it turns to vengeful anger in seconds. She is convinced she is the only one in the world whose life is terrible and she is always bored (wich also sets her off).... We've had a terrible day today and I am so tired of this I want to throw her in the trash can I am bipolar and I rapid cycle on occasion. I was a drug abuser for years but I hid it from my ex2 and was very sneaky about it and I was 31 before I kicked it all. I never did it in front of the kids but I've been high around them, do they know? I dont know? but I was a roller coaster . Everyone says we are nearly just alike. My acting out didnt start until I was 13 or 14 though. She's 11!! I've had all sorts of medications and some that made me worse, ECT as well. but I ended up seeing an excellent therapist worth his wt in gold. He helped so much that I am able to manage my issues with wellbutrin and klonipin alone which are working out ok. When I have episodes now they are mixed states or depression but I have lived with the depression so long I dont know any other way to feel but meloncholy at the least. Having said that I can work through it until a switch flips and Im in a mixed state--enter klonapin and then sit down and relax, reason it out, come back to normal. ....Sigh Theres so much that can be said here about the whole family but thats whats on my mind and a wordy intro to my battle but Im so tired I am waiting till she is on my ins. (oct 1) to take her to a neuropsychologist doctor and have her evaluated. I hate to see her end up like me. Thanks to all of you for giving me a place to say this.