Invitations from close friends

[Nomad]

I think it was a similar attitude, but never was displayed overtly.
When they had financial problems, loss of reputation combined with my husband doing better...this attitude came out. It's been eye opening and very difficult.
Also, they just sold their home. They are more solvent now...so maybe now they wish to be overt? My husband predicted this. Horrible.

 

[Copabanana]

The thing is, Nomad, is this clearly has nothing to do with you and everything in the world to do with them. Their sense of status, of importance derived from being higher up, and others lower down. Maybe there will be liberation for you by recognizing how controlled they are by forces beyond their own control. What a difficult way to live to feel you have to maintain your place in the hierarchy when you are falling. And it seems clear even to me they are losing their place. Not just in financial terms, but in terms of whatever crisis they had that they had to resolve.

 

[Nomad]

PS
Through a crazy series of circumstances, there is an excellent chance "B" will be very wealthy very soon.
Our "friends" have no idea. We are thrilled for "B." I haven't decided if I will tell them or not. "B" has had an extraordinary difficult life...particularly her childhood.
They will NOT be happy for her. It's just sick.

 

[Copabanana]

I think you have accurately analyzed the situation. They never had to assert this superiority over you, because they were overtly doing better, in their eyes, at least they could pigeonhole you as not threats because of your life circumstances. And now when you guys are clearly thriving and them not so much, they have to work hard to assert the "reality" of their superiority when before they could just feel it so. Knowing this about them, does it make it easier to bear?

 

[Copabanana]

Is B the lady who babysits? Good for her. Nomad. Do you not feel a little bit sorry for them? PS I would not tell them about B unless and until it becomes a done deal. I would not trust them.

 

[Copabanana]

I had a childhood friend. And I maintained the friendship pretty much well into middle age. When my son was about 4 or so we drove 45 minutes to her house to drop something off. Mind you for years we were "best friends." I knew her from when she was 8 years old. She let us drop the stuff off, announced she was going to have a pool party, and let us turn around to go home. She could have told us to bring a suit for my son. But that was not the point. She wanted to exclude us. I could never forgive her for doing that to my son.

I dropped her for years and years, and resumed the friendship 15 or so years later, only to drop her again, for the same kind of thing. Actually. I decided I may hate her. Sometimes the pile of hurt builds up so high you can't overlook it.

 

[Nomad]

Copa...it makes it harder to bear. We always thought of them as kind people. Now, in retrospect, we realize that most of their friends or relatives were "inferior" at least in their eyes.
But, much of what was on the surface was false. There was a lot of behind the scenes stuff going on shoring them up.
So, when he lost his job, things got really weird. Then there was that situation where he was accused of causing damage to family members and these family members not keeping quiet and pulling away.
A lot of oddities.

Instead of recognizing or acknowledging that my husband is an outstanding citizen, husband and father...they are treating him like the enemy. It's shocking. I could never thank him enough. To hold two jobs, to help me with Difficult Child, to come with me to doctor appointments...never EVER complaining EVER...with no help whatsoever.
I have friends who have much more money than myself. It makes no difference. I'm honored to have good friends. Whether they have a lot of money, little money, are in between jobs, doing better, doing worse...all of it is irrelevant.
It's been horrible.

As a side note...one of their relatives from another country ended up doing very well. They now can't stand them.

Yes B is the former babysitter. We've remained close. I agree, I wont tell them, although it would be almost fun to watch them freak out. Sick.

 

[Copabanana]

How can they treat your husband "like the enemy?" What kind of people do this? Except the thing is most people are not that great. We overlook a lot in order to be close to family, maintain friendships. I would NOT let them disrespect your husband. I would NOT overlook that. That is what happened with M's sister. Finally, I could not look the other way. If he wants a relationship with them, fine. But I would not do it anymore.

 

[Copabanana]

Nomad. Read my comments with a grain of salt. I think I am over-reacting. I just re-read your first post (today's). Her comments can be heard in another way. Like: I need to tell somebody. You are neutral. Like she does not feel pressure with you.

 

[BusynMember]

From reading all this, all I can day it says it sounds like a hard job to keep up with all their secrets and drama and guess their motives.

Wow.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you SWOT.
Guessing the motives is particularly bad on my part.
I have confronted her in the last re this type of thing. I may do so again. Not sure.
It's getting tiring.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you SWOT.
Guessing the motives is particularly bad on my part.
I have confronted her in the last re this type of thing. I may do so again. Not sure.
It's getting tiring.

One more thing...this conversation has greatly helped me to verbalize how I'm feeling. I was stuck. Thank you Copa for this. Actually, this clarification has been most helpful.

 

[Copabanana]

"Oh that...I just sent you that so that you would be in the loop." I wonder if this is not cultural. I am feeling at odds with nearly all M's family. This is a change for me with respect to his sister, with whom I was fairly close. I began to see her as aggressive, controlling and using. I pulled back.

M mentioned casually that his niece, sister's youngest daughter extended an invitation to a party--they live maybe 2 hours south. I said: count me out.

M chided me about being so direct. He said that the niece anyway did not mean for us to come. Did not necessarily want us to come and only extended the invitation for "bien educacion." Meaning, good manners.

So maybe, Nomad, this is where your friend is coming from, that a major part of this is a cultural difference. They operate according to a different user's manual. Maybe they had more "give" in earlier years when life was not so hard on them and they no longer have either the energy or the motivation to hide the rough edges.