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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 711425" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>Direct and honest communication:</p><p>With reference to the first incident, I'm actually proud of myself that I told her how I felt...that I didn't agree with her choice, that it was hurtful to me and so forth. She and her husband felt family came first over a thirty year friendship...even family she barely knows.</p><p></p><p>I absolutely DO think there is a lot of peculiarity here. I do think this is "on them," as some say. I do not think it is anything we did etc. I think some of it involves some cultural differences, some of it involves some stressors they are experiencing (financial and otherwise) BUT I do think some of it is very peculiar, a little rude and unkind. No how much (what percentage) in each category...I have no idea.</p><p></p><p>I do know that hubby and I have had our share and sometimes MORE than our share for years and years of financial stress, health stressors and big time over the top Difficult Child stress with very little and mostly NO help from others and we did our very best to avoid acting unkind to others and in particular these people.</p><p></p><p>I had an acquaintance of mine call our efforts at maintaining career (my husband), a good home, taking care of the needs of our children, participation in community, trying to keep my head above water with my health issues and so forth "nothing short of herculian."</p><p></p><p>It's all been shocking to me because this is a person I've known for decades who has always been extremely kind and appropriate. It's as if suddenly things have really changed. I think I made excuses for some oddities I saw previously...but so what...no one is perfect. Then, when incident number 1 happened...I still basically let it go because sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes very big ones. I don't know what to make of incident number 2. But, in my heart of hearts, I recognize that this relationship seems to be changing. Maybe the stress over the last few years has been too difficult for her and she is a changed person.</p><p></p><p>I don't have the luxury of "taking offense." I'm doing my best to look at it SIMILARLY like we look at our adult Difficult Child. I very likely did not cause this. She is an adult and she makes her own choices and decisions. It is extremely, big time doubtful I can change her. If her behavior toward me is consistently hurtful, I can ask her to behave differently. If she chooses not to...I can decide not to let it hurt me...not to take offense...but also to greatly reduce my time with her or even end the friendship. At this time, my decision is to greatly limit my time with her....and hopefully even make new friendships.</p><p></p><p>( I say similarly because we can't exactly make new children. LOL. But, we can do our best to not let our adult children offend us, greatly limit our association with them and move forward).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 711425, member: 4152"] Direct and honest communication: With reference to the first incident, I'm actually proud of myself that I told her how I felt...that I didn't agree with her choice, that it was hurtful to me and so forth. She and her husband felt family came first over a thirty year friendship...even family she barely knows. I absolutely DO think there is a lot of peculiarity here. I do think this is "on them," as some say. I do not think it is anything we did etc. I think some of it involves some cultural differences, some of it involves some stressors they are experiencing (financial and otherwise) BUT I do think some of it is very peculiar, a little rude and unkind. No how much (what percentage) in each category...I have no idea. I do know that hubby and I have had our share and sometimes MORE than our share for years and years of financial stress, health stressors and big time over the top Difficult Child stress with very little and mostly NO help from others and we did our very best to avoid acting unkind to others and in particular these people. I had an acquaintance of mine call our efforts at maintaining career (my husband), a good home, taking care of the needs of our children, participation in community, trying to keep my head above water with my health issues and so forth "nothing short of herculian." It's all been shocking to me because this is a person I've known for decades who has always been extremely kind and appropriate. It's as if suddenly things have really changed. I think I made excuses for some oddities I saw previously...but so what...no one is perfect. Then, when incident number 1 happened...I still basically let it go because sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes very big ones. I don't know what to make of incident number 2. But, in my heart of hearts, I recognize that this relationship seems to be changing. Maybe the stress over the last few years has been too difficult for her and she is a changed person. I don't have the luxury of "taking offense." I'm doing my best to look at it SIMILARLY like we look at our adult Difficult Child. I very likely did not cause this. She is an adult and she makes her own choices and decisions. It is extremely, big time doubtful I can change her. If her behavior toward me is consistently hurtful, I can ask her to behave differently. If she chooses not to...I can decide not to let it hurt me...not to take offense...but also to greatly reduce my time with her or even end the friendship. At this time, my decision is to greatly limit my time with her....and hopefully even make new friendships. ( I say similarly because we can't exactly make new children. LOL. But, we can do our best to not let our adult children offend us, greatly limit our association with them and move forward). [/QUOTE]
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