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Is Anyone Else Here Coping With Aging difficult child Parents?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 60126" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Oh boy, do we know this one!</p><p></p><p>mother in law is husband's mother. She's physically frail with ongoing health problems. The house she lived in was on land that developers would love, but was a disaster for her - it had wonderful views but sloped, all the way up a hill. She could barely walk to her front gate because it was so steep. We were looking at major renovations to the house, putting in handrails everywhere, constant upkeep and repairs, and we knew that with land values in her area as they were, ANY money spent on the house would be pouring it into a black hole. It took us over an hour each way to go see her and we had to do it every weekend. Despite this we were STILL falling behind in managing the property and she could see we were driving ourselves into the ground.</p><p></p><p>She has always been adamant about "no nursing home, no retirement village." Her health took a really bad turn, and her sister died. We grabbed the opportunity to bring her to stay with us and kept her occupied and pampered. The one thing that really had her loving our place - the beach. She's always loved the sea but husband's father preferred mountains.</p><p>And she couldn't afford to move. Her home just wouldn't raise enough to buy a house near us, even though we don't live in an expensive area. It's just that Sydney is a very expensive place to buy a home. And she wouldn't live in a flat or a semi-detached home either - she gets irritable with neighbours.</p><p></p><p>Finally we hit on a solution - we and husband's sister each mortgaged our homes, putting in an equal amount. mother in law then sold her home to developers (just before the house fell apart) and between us all, we could buy her a lovely brick house on a smaller piece of LEVEL land, two hundred yards from our house. This way any money spent on the house now becomes equity in the property, instead of wasting money trying to shore up a tumbledown asbestos cement cottage (a common building material in 1950's Sydney). She's put in a new kitchen, new carpets, built-in wardrobe and is about to do up the bathroom. This all improves the value but REALLY improves her quality of life. She's gone from being very depressed and saying that it was time she left the world to its own devices, to enjoying life with new friends and new hobbies. She goes for a walk on the beach when she can, loves to just drive past it. Twice a week she's catching the ferry to the mainland, loving her boat trip.</p><p></p><p>And the difficult child component - she's not the easiest, especially when she's stressed. She gets irritable, then anxious, then we get the emotional blackmail, the uncertainty of where you stand - it all then feeds on itself and gets worse. But we keep reassuring her that she isn't a burden, and because she can't be too unhappy with the sea nearby, it all calms down again.</p><p>She has lost some freedom - she can't drive her car further than the local shops. So when I'm going to the larger malls, further away, I bring her along. I have to constantly make it clear to her that she isn't a burden, I was going there anyway, and whenever I drive her somewhere I double up on other errands to make this clear. But we get to talk a lot and I think she's enjoying the company when we do this.</p><p></p><p>It is hard work sometimes and I agree - I have to constantly stay in touch with "The Explosive Child" concepts, but they do work. On adults too. very much so.</p><p></p><p>Whatever happens from here, husband & I both know we've given her a new life. If she'd stayed in the old cottage we don't think she would be here now.</p><p></p><p>Way back on our honeymoon nearly 30 years ago, husband & I went to Singapore. While there we visited the Tiger Balm Gardens, a place where tales from Chinese mythology are depicted in brightly painted concrete dioramas. One story stood out - the one dealing with filial duty. It showed a young woman breastfeeding an old woman, while the baby was left to cry in the corner. The old woman no longer had teeth and this was the only nourishment she could take in. The legend of this young Chinese woman held her up to be a model of filial and wifely duty in that she fed her ageing mother-in-law even before her own baby. The old woman was not even a blood relative, but because the young wife was now of her husband's family, her mother-in-law was now even more important to hr than her own children. It was part of what she took on, when she married. Not only her husband, but the responsibility of his parents, and to be obedient to them also.</p><p>While I do feel that is a bit extreme, I keep that image in mind whenever mother in law is being particularly difficult. If that young Chinese woman could do it...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 60126, member: 1991"] Oh boy, do we know this one! mother in law is husband's mother. She's physically frail with ongoing health problems. The house she lived in was on land that developers would love, but was a disaster for her - it had wonderful views but sloped, all the way up a hill. She could barely walk to her front gate because it was so steep. We were looking at major renovations to the house, putting in handrails everywhere, constant upkeep and repairs, and we knew that with land values in her area as they were, ANY money spent on the house would be pouring it into a black hole. It took us over an hour each way to go see her and we had to do it every weekend. Despite this we were STILL falling behind in managing the property and she could see we were driving ourselves into the ground. She has always been adamant about "no nursing home, no retirement village." Her health took a really bad turn, and her sister died. We grabbed the opportunity to bring her to stay with us and kept her occupied and pampered. The one thing that really had her loving our place - the beach. She's always loved the sea but husband's father preferred mountains. And she couldn't afford to move. Her home just wouldn't raise enough to buy a house near us, even though we don't live in an expensive area. It's just that Sydney is a very expensive place to buy a home. And she wouldn't live in a flat or a semi-detached home either - she gets irritable with neighbours. Finally we hit on a solution - we and husband's sister each mortgaged our homes, putting in an equal amount. mother in law then sold her home to developers (just before the house fell apart) and between us all, we could buy her a lovely brick house on a smaller piece of LEVEL land, two hundred yards from our house. This way any money spent on the house now becomes equity in the property, instead of wasting money trying to shore up a tumbledown asbestos cement cottage (a common building material in 1950's Sydney). She's put in a new kitchen, new carpets, built-in wardrobe and is about to do up the bathroom. This all improves the value but REALLY improves her quality of life. She's gone from being very depressed and saying that it was time she left the world to its own devices, to enjoying life with new friends and new hobbies. She goes for a walk on the beach when she can, loves to just drive past it. Twice a week she's catching the ferry to the mainland, loving her boat trip. And the difficult child component - she's not the easiest, especially when she's stressed. She gets irritable, then anxious, then we get the emotional blackmail, the uncertainty of where you stand - it all then feeds on itself and gets worse. But we keep reassuring her that she isn't a burden, and because she can't be too unhappy with the sea nearby, it all calms down again. She has lost some freedom - she can't drive her car further than the local shops. So when I'm going to the larger malls, further away, I bring her along. I have to constantly make it clear to her that she isn't a burden, I was going there anyway, and whenever I drive her somewhere I double up on other errands to make this clear. But we get to talk a lot and I think she's enjoying the company when we do this. It is hard work sometimes and I agree - I have to constantly stay in touch with "The Explosive Child" concepts, but they do work. On adults too. very much so. Whatever happens from here, husband & I both know we've given her a new life. If she'd stayed in the old cottage we don't think she would be here now. Way back on our honeymoon nearly 30 years ago, husband & I went to Singapore. While there we visited the Tiger Balm Gardens, a place where tales from Chinese mythology are depicted in brightly painted concrete dioramas. One story stood out - the one dealing with filial duty. It showed a young woman breastfeeding an old woman, while the baby was left to cry in the corner. The old woman no longer had teeth and this was the only nourishment she could take in. The legend of this young Chinese woman held her up to be a model of filial and wifely duty in that she fed her ageing mother-in-law even before her own baby. The old woman was not even a blood relative, but because the young wife was now of her husband's family, her mother-in-law was now even more important to hr than her own children. It was part of what she took on, when she married. Not only her husband, but the responsibility of his parents, and to be obedient to them also. While I do feel that is a bit extreme, I keep that image in mind whenever mother in law is being particularly difficult. If that young Chinese woman could do it... Marg [/QUOTE]
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