is anyone on to pm, i have a bit of a situation (please tell me how to pm)

[missy44]

My husband and I are up early, we're picking my son up from the airport today for Easter (my easy child 3 - 17). Hubby goes to his vehicle to head out and prepare for the day and our difficult child is sleeping in our van. My hubby and I told him that he cannot stay here and he's angry and says he doesn't know where the (blank) he's going to go and hubby says you should have thought about that the last time you were here when you broke your contract, used drugs (repeatedly) and got caught, came home under the influence and your mother (me) found you in a compromising position and you were told to come home to discuss things and you didn't show. My husband is so angry with difficult child as am I, but for some reason it's so hard for me to put him on the street. He literally has nowhere to go. difficult child said, I have nowhere to go, husband says it's not our problem you need to fix your life. We told him to head to the shelter or Options for Change. We told him we would drive him, he said that he doesn't need to or want to go there.

When you read what's in the books (believe me, I've read them all) I get so confused. Some say to use this all or nothing method, others say don't because it might be the last time you see them. I'm trying hard, we've used this "tough love" method in the past but always give in. I don't want to this time, but I'm frightened.

difficult child still thinks that he just drinks and uses pot ocassionally, what's the big deal? Well, why is his life like this if he just uses these things a little bit? And it doesn't matter right? He makes our life hell when he's here (including my easy child's), doesn't follow rules, is disrespectful and my easy child(13) doesn't want him here either.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing...

Missy

 

[dashcat]

I'm still pretty new to the world of the difficult child, and I'm no expert ... but I DO know that doing the right thing is rarely easy. As a mom, I can truly understand how frightening this must be for you. Still, you have given him multiple opportunities to do the right thing. He is rationalizing. He wants to have is cake and eat it, too. You've made it clear that staying in your home is only an option if he plays by the rules. Sounds perfectly fair to me. Hang in there.
dash

 

[Hound dog]

Missy

You can PM someone by clicking on their name. A list of options will appear and you can choose from the list.

I can't honestly tell you which theory is right to use. But my bff's family couldn't see to make up their minds. They had spent a lifetime spoiling bff and coming to her rescue. It was next to impossible for them to break the habit. I don't judge them because I don't think it's fair to try. But I do know their behavior didn't help bff. She was a pro at making them feel guilt over something they had nothing to do with. And if she saw the slightest bit of weakness in them she used it to her fullest advantage. Hard as it would be to do, if her family had taken a firm united stand before it got to the extremes that it did at the end......she had a much higher chance of recovery. Yes, bff made her choices and using was her own doing. But their enabling behaviors helped her to continue. Tough love forces them to face the issue and to deal with it themselves, to hopefully hit that "bottom" point faster that motivates them to seek help.

Tough love is so hard because in many ways it goes against what we're naturally inclined to do as a parent. But I believe it can be done with love. I used it on my bff. It didn't mean that I pushed her out of my life. She'd call occasionally, and I always took the call. When she tried to gain sympathy as she did from her family, I pointed out to her what behavior caused whatever it was she was complaining about. I was blunt and direct. But there was no need to be cruel. I never gave her cash, I never offered help. I just kept telling her where to find it and telling her she had to make the choice and I'd be there by her side when she did. It was terribly hard, but I knew that was the only way I could really help her.

Years ago I read the AA handbook from cover to cover. I don't even know if they still have one. But if they do, you may find it very helpful. It helped to make me a stronger, better person. I still fall back on it often, especially with difficult children. Wish I had it still, I'd send it to you.

You've been doing a good job. Don't beat yourself up. difficult child has to want help. This are his choices. You've offered to take him places where he can stay. He chooses not to go.

((((hugs)))))

 

[klmno]

You gave him options of two places to go and offered to drive him. He didn't want to go to either. Then he isn't hurting too bad and he's just trying to manipulate you, in my humble opinion. If you were truly kicking him to the curb you wouldn't have offerred to drive him to either of these places- if he's choosing the curb over that, then you can't help that.

 

[witzend]

I'll tell you why he doesn't want to go. It's because he knows that they will hold him accountable and kick him out if he doesn't obey the rules, just as you have. He knows they won't give him a second (third, fourth, etc.) chance and sees you as an easier mark than them. He has not intention of obeying the rules, so why bother even giving it a go, in his mind? Keep the van and the outbuildings locked up tight. You're doing the right thing.

 

[missy44]

thanks everyone. i just got home from the airport, i'm excited to see my son, but exhausted and heartbroken at the same time. My son wants to see his brother, which i understand and promote, but it's sad that he can't be here with us. of course, as we're getting close to our home, we see our son, and he's just walking, without a place to go. it was very hard for all of us to see.

i'm going to try to relax and enjoy the day and forget about today and try and not worry about tomorrow. i feel stronger when others feel that i'm on the right path. this is truly the only thing i haven't followed through with, tough love. no giving in. i hope when all is said and done, my difficult child admits he has a problem and gets into a program. it's his only hope at this time. at this time, we're pretty sure he's lost his job as well.

 

[witzend]

Big hugs. I know this hurts and I am so sorry.

 

[judi]

I'm so sorry. We haven't seen or talked with our son since June 2008. Its hard.

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs))))) Missy I know it's horribly hard. Your son is in my prayers.

 

[susiestar]

This is so heartbreaking, isn't it? It also is the right thing to do. MAYBE if he was your only child you could consider helping him in other ways. They wouldn't be help though. REAL help will be whatever gets him off drugs/alcohol.

You have other children including a 13yo at home. You have NO real choice but to have difficult child out of your home. in my opinion anyway. It is so very very dangerous for your easy child if you have difficult child at home.

Why would he want to go to these other places where they will insist he follow rules and change? He doesn't want to do that. He still thinks that he can guilt you into taking him back or setting him up someplace. Please, PLEASE do not let him.

Is he still able to get alcohol and drugs while he has "no place to go"? If so, then he could have a place to go. He would have to choose to use whatever money he has for a place to stay.

This ONE question tells you that he is still CHOOSING, and still has some way to get money. Don't ask where. Don't assume he is jobless. That is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

I know this is so hard. Just remember that your other children deserve a life where they are safe. This includes being safe from him. There is no telling what he might try to trade or sell for his next fix.

Hugs and prayers,

Susie

 

[missy44]

Thanks everyone. It's a better day today and I keep reminding myself i am doing the right thing...