is facing our demons a good thing?

[Jena]

good morning

hope everyone's having good sunday morning

we went out for a few drinks last night and wow my head is hurting me bad.......... LOL

anyway, so i have a question, random and has nothing to do with our kids who struggle or the men we share our lives with.........but more of an us question

do you think facing your demons in life (those little things in your emotional closet) a good thing???

what do you think???

jen

 

[DammitJanet]

Actually I think it can be a good thing but it may be something you want to do with the help of a good therapist.

 

[Jena]

hi,

i think so as well. unfortunately i would handle it on my own but yes i'd have back up when returned back. i think its good too, an emotionally cleansing in a sense. it's all about being the best people we can be for our kids who need us so terribly and for ourselves. i'm learning from this site the better person we are the better parent we will be to them.

so my new theme is making me the healthiest person i can be.

thanks for your thoughts

jen

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I guess it depends on what those demons are if you can do it on your own...lol. There are some demons that bad bad bad! I buried mine so deep and didnt face them for years until I decided to go into therapy. I dont think I could have actually done this work on my own but then I dont have a good support network of friends and family outside of my husband. He cant be my everything. I am also bipolar and have a ton of other lovely diagnosis's to boot. That can make things more complicated.

I hope things go well for you as you slay those beasties. Capture them and throw them out into the wild blue yonder!

 

[klmno]

i second Janet- having been through something similar with internal demons- the therapist made the difference in me handling things and having control of my future and feeling much stronger - or being heart broken, falling apart, and giving up. i'm sure it depends a lot on the exact nature of the "demon" though!

 

[Jena]

true,

i know so many people who have some really bad ones and they continue to bury them and surpress them and you can actually see them come out through how they live their life. kinda almost like kids that act out when somethings' wrong.

fascinating, huh...? my demon is my dad. he lives in another state alot of abuse there for me, i saved myself years ago got out and came to new york on my own i knew if i didn't i might not make it mentally that is.

hence through all this stuff with the little one, experiencing anxiety myself due to it and flying totally off charts last week, it occured after my dad's call. haven't seen him in 22 years we've spoken peridiocally i never have mentioned it never faced it. forgave him within myself i think. he called me the other day like he knew me who i am, etc. and started rambling on to me about his problems and how could i have lost everything our apt. etc. what kind of person am i?? now get this we talk about once every umm 3 years a ten min. call if that. the anger and upsetment that came up within me following that phone call truly indicated to me that i'm not done. i'm afraid to confront him. ive shelfed him for years. nowhe's fallen off my mental shelf........LOL........think i gotta throw him out to move forward cleaner......mentally cleaner.

Jen

 

[totoro]

Jennifer~
Now that you have found the watercooler... you will see especially if you go back at all, that a lot of us here have visited this topic a lot!!

I have gone on and on about all of my junk!!! I have PTSD something fierce! I have to try to keep a sense of humor because things are pretty bad right now...
I have a therapist that I don't get to see very often, not often enough.
I am in the middle of trying to adjust my BiPolar (BP) medications.
My therapist wanting to try EMDR... which I have heard wonderful things about, even on this board... I just have been so caught up with K's stuff...
So yes like Janet I am a fan of trying to deal with our junk, when ready.
Sometimes if you feel like it talking about here feel good... we hash it out run across and through each other... bounce our junk off of each other and help each other deal with it. If you feel like it it has helped me. With my therapist, and medications.
We have seen it all and unfortunately been through it all...
HUGS

 

[Jena]

i'm so sorry your having a rough time. it is hard even finding time for our therapists.....LOL.....perversly funny right?? sheesh when ya gotta fight to get time for the therapist person......crazy...

anyway i'm pretty sure i want to go, spoke to boyfriend about it last night i've never told him the whole tale few corona's and i was ready. so i told him he was very taken back actually did some breathing through it then when he went to the bathroom in the bar we were in hugged me and gave me this big kiss. he's not very verbal alot of it is with the body language when it comes to him. ((his way of saying sorry honey)).

my one fear is if i go and don't feel satisfied after it. also do i give him a heads up i'm coming (my dad) that is, or do i just show up. he'll probably avoid me if i try to schedule it with him. i don't think i'm looking for any answers, i think i just need to let him know what he's done to me, how he's hurt me the impact his actions have had on my life and to release it finally and more importantly face him i've always been afraid to ,hence 22 years have passed.

they say that you should bring someone with you yet i don't have anyone to bring really. i can't expect boyfriend to come to be honest we're still pretty new even though we're functioning like some old married couple. my one best friend happens to be a man and he wouldn't be good with that nor would i blame him. i can handle it alone, it's my old town. think i have alot of ghosts there i need to face my old high school the old house the condo where it all happened, stuff like that. probably need to do it alone too i think. it's a little scarey but scarey's good i think sometimes.

it's either this or i do it via gravesite....??? i think i'd regret not facing it sooner knowing me.

thanks for listening...

jen

 

[daralex]

Hard question!
my daughter was abused by me ex a** hole. She seems to be dealing fine - but me not so much. One day at a time I say. deal with the big things little by little. My SO and I call them boxes on shelves. we examine what's in the boxes little by little until we can shelf the box. Some boxes should never be touched and others can be whittled away at little by little. Some things can never be "fixed' it's all about how you put them into perspective. the theory of karma works for me. It killed my difficult child's bio dad (a VERY good thing) one down one to go!!! keep the faith!

 

[Jena]

i see your point, yet i think i have to. i'm not very afraid of it. it may be good for me, just thinking about facing it makes me feel empowered to be honest.

he did a double hit on me that sob left when i was four, said he'd be back didn't. up till then brought me to bars when i was 2,3, and 4 on weekend visits. then after he took off sought me out again at eleven then off to fla. we went. parents got back together shockingly enough, they fought split up i stayed with him, he abused me, and moved his girlfriend in. i saved myself at 16 and got outta dodge bought own airline ticket and walked away from a very comfy life car, horse, etc. that he was bribing me with to stay and haven't seen him since.

so i think going there alone, being strong facing it and wrapping it up one way or another isa good thing. he shouldn't be able to go on in dillusion. maybe it'll sink in maybe it won't but at least he'll hear it from me.



i'm so so sorry for your daughter. she is giong to be an amazing woman some day with you behind her, these things happen and there are difficult to spot you almost need a magnifying glass. others don't always get that till your in it yourself. it's always those we feel we can trust too that are the abusers. scarey world we live in. my daughter's have been taught well older one via me how to protect herself should she ever need to she can drop a guy in 5 minutes......LOL....

all the best to her. one day at a time is great approach.

Jen :

 

[hearts and roses]

I think we all have our own demons and we all deal with them in various ways that enable us to cope, some healthy and some not so healthy. No one can know for certain whether or not you're able to do this on your own or if it's worth it.

For me, personally, I needed the help of a counselor each time I tackled a MAJOR demon from my past. Not so with a few of the things I faced off against, mainly because they were on a level I was okay with. But when it comes to dysfunctional parental or family relationship stuff, I chose to have a counselor help me. I chose this because as a survivor of mental, emotional and sexual abuse, it helped me to guage my reactions and have a better understanding as to whether or not my thinking was on tract. In the past, I tended to find a way to place certain events or incidents into logical boxes in my head, which is a way of coping with a situation (not completely unhealthy, but...). What is bad about doing this is that I simply created an excuse for the offending party, such as, "Well, that was when he was a raging alcoholic - he didn't know what he was doing" or "Well, she/he/they did the best they could"...and what creating an excuse for their actions does to me is further victimize me! I can say now that it's okay to understand that yes, logically, so and so was an alcoholic at the time, BUT what he did STILL is not okay and it's okay for me to be angry at him and have my guard up in certain situations. I don't think I'm doing a good job explaining this, but hopefully you will get my message and that is that depending on the demons you're trying to deal with, you may or may not benefit from having a professional there with you.

My sister and I had a horrible, HORRIFYING, fallout a few years ago and it was BAD. I was so desperate to detach from her after telling her off, but it was very important to me that I detach without malice. IOW, I didn't want to harbor resentment and anger at my sister because that is counterproductive to detaching in a healthy loving way for ME. So, I sought a counselor and she really helped me to detach from my sister. we can hang out with family and for the most part we're okay. It's still uncomfortable in some ways, but I carry no guilt over this anymore and I can walk away knowing that I am preserving MY own sanity and protecting ME - which is of the utmost importance. I only saw the counselor for a few weeks to help me deal with the upcoming holidays and after until things settled down a bit. It really helped me a lot!

Best of luck on whichever way you choose to deal with this.

 

[Abbey]

The key thing is finding a good therapist. I've yet to find one. It would be so comforting to actually have a conversation with someone, but when you're on an HMO, you get the 'check list' conversation. They literally sit and check off questions when you attempt to talk. It's annoying.

For someone who is fairly private (believe it or not!!) it is a big jump for me to seek help. What I have found has been hugely disappointing. So, I face my demons, but on my own.

Abbey

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion if you don't face them, you can't get rid of them and they come back to haunt you.

 

[Jena]

you speak the truth my friend. dear old dad may have to wait until rin's evaluation is done. i will get him though, he's on my list.......

thanks,
Jen

 

[Marguerite]

Jen, I'm late to this topic. Sorry.

Facing your demons - a good thing. But it doesn't have to be literally face to face, especially if you're not ready.

You can begin by writing a letter. It need never be sent - writing a letter in which you pour out all the hurt and anger, then taking that letter outside and setting fire to it - can be very therapeutic.

Talk to a counsellor, get some professional advice. From what you say about your father, it sounds like you don't owe him anything, certainly not any say in your life. Do not let him control you or make you feel bad. He is a sperm donor only, who (from the sound of it) abrogated his parental rights years ago. You have since become an adult and been raising yourself ever since, trying to heal yourself in the process.

There are things you need which only a counsellor can give you. And I think you need them before you physically go face him. Do it right - and it can be a wonderful healing process. Do it wrong, and all you're doing is repeating history, marking time and not benefiting from your efforts.

You can forgive someone, without them ever knowing it. Forgiving someone doesn't mean "what you did was OK." It means, "I'm not letting this continue to hurt me any more, I am moving on." A person doesn't have to say sorry, before you can forgive. Forgiveness is a personal thing and can't be forced. But even moving towards it, to a sense of, "I am bigger than this, I will not let what this person did, continue to damage me," is healthy.
But you need to be ready for this, and it takes help.

Marg

 

[Jena]

you are 100% correct. i've since looked it up on web and there is a certain way or let's say steps to take in order to get the full "healing" out of it.

right now there is too much going on to add him to list. yet i think it's a good thing that i realized my need to do so when things are a bit calmer when i'm set up in a new home base with my girls when all this testing is done.

thanks for your words though. sheesh seems like everything in life is a process, huh...?? LOL

jen

 

[janebrain]

Well, I think I am tired--I read this thread as "is fading our denims a good thing?" Yes, if you grew up in the 60's and/or 70's--otherwise, not sure.
Jane

 

[Mikey]

Not sure what you mean by "facing our demons"....

Does that mean acknowledging they're there, accepting the damage or other impact they've had on us (or others), accepting responsibility (if we're the cause) or forgiving (if we're not the cause), trying to correct, fix, or make amends to ourselves or others?

Personally, I think that this is a pretty tricky issue, at least for me. Twelve-step principles aside, I think that it's not an 'all or none' answer. There are some demons I can face. Some, I can't - ever. Some I've faced, and lost the fight, and am still repairing the damage.

I guess for me, facing your demons is akin to facing terminal cancer when you're in your late 70's. In the long run, will it help or hurt? Will the chemo cause more damage, shorten your life, and make your quality of life worse than letting the cancer run its course? Will facing your demons make your life (or someone else's life) better in the long run, or is it better to simply take the detour around that washed-out part of the road for as long as you can?

Hard choice. I've gone both ways on several issues in my life. I can say, though, that I have had to make personal, difficult choices to face certain aspects of my life that I wanted to bury. I did so because not facing those demons would have made my life easier, but it would have been severely injurious to others whom I hold dear.

Hard question to answer.....

Mikey

 

[Jena]

ok as far as the denim thing goes was never into that anyway........LOL.......that was funny though.

mikey

yes i do agree one has to pick and choose their battles in life depending upon the "battle" in a sense facing our demons is just that to me. It's a battle of or rather for your freedom from the underlining problem that weighs you down our supposed "baggage" if you will.

Yet I have come to learn that there are some id' rather not approach, it would do more harm onto others than good so i best leave it alone. certain ones both parties would need to be willing and able. other's i believe are good to lessen the baggage come kinda full circle with it. emotional and verbal and physical/sexual abuse to me is a full circle issue. having the guts and determination at least for me to face that monster face to face and give it all you have, not hoping for a resolution or for an explanation or for an apology just to simply be heard by the proper party. that to me i believe would be finally releasing it. it's a wound that never healed just keep putting new bandaids on it year after year. i function differently because of it some of this is good i am a more alert and protective parent of my girls due to that fact.. although i have also learned you can't protect them all the time and there are times as with my situation where the innocent party that being hte other parent had absolutely no clue adn cannot be blamed for the incident.

it is a thought provoking questoin though, huh...??

see for me my trust was taken away years ago, and i don't think i ever regained it. i'd like it back it's mine and i should have it............LOL....((yes, me whining))

jen

 

[DammitJanet]

Jen...I dont know if any of your abuse was sexual abuse or not but even if it wasnt there is a really good book out that I used in a group called The Courage to Heal. It has a workbook that goes along with it.

My whole childhood was riddled with abuse (physical, emotional,verbal and sexual) at the hands of my mother. I was also abused at the age of 3 by a female babysitter. Using that book really helped me. I couldnt confront my abuser because by the time I attended that group my mom was dead.