is it always about the kids?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by sjexpress, May 20, 2012.

  1. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    difficult child plays on alot of sports teams. Some play week nite games and others play on weekends. Basically we hardly ever have a quiet weekend and this makes getting together with any family difficult due to game sched.
    My nephew is only 1 and I really want to spend more time with him but since my sister works full time during the week, this leaves only weekends to get together. We live about an hr. away which is not a big deal but just dropping by for a few minutes before or after difficult child's games is hard.
    I don't always make all of difficult child's games. He always has either husband or myself there but with easy child, it is not always fair to him to make him spend all day at a field including travel time. However, difficult child gets really mad and cranky if we "all" don't come watch him. Of course this is selfish but if I choose to do something else like see my sisters family, he freaks out saying it is not fair that easy child gets to see them and he doesn't. Then I feel guilty and end up going to the game rather than see my nephew.
    difficult child plays something year round. Should I feel guilty and bad if once and awhile I want to do something else besides watch him? If easy child gets invited to a party or something, of course he goes but it is just if I want to visit someone or do something difficult child wants to do also like see his cousins that things get crazy here.
    I am pretty sure as l should feel free to do something for me even if difficult child is not happy about it. I guess I am just looking for back-up to say, sure...go for it and let difficult child manage. Of course then husband gets left dealing with him being horrible before and after his game but again, this is only once and a while!!

  2. keista

    keista New Member

    I say go for it! Sounds like you dedicate every minute of every day to the kids and especially difficult child. Guess what? You are still you, so go enjoy yourself. Your life shouldn't be on complete hold just because you had kids. The kids and husband will get over it - even difficult child. You can trade off with husband if there's something he wants to do for himself.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    With the long experience as a sport mom (for two kids), I will say just that. Go for it, difficult child will manage. He will soon notice that not everyone's moms and dads are there for every game. Few years and he really doesn't want you there for every game (big ones are a different matter.) Just go to watch when you have time and be interested and ask about the game also when you weren't there to watch. That is enough and even difficult children get used to that and notice that it is kind of the norm.
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Backing you up 100%. Go have fun without him once in awhile. He is having fun playing his sport.
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    When difficult child 1 tried that with me, you know the it's not fair thing, I tell him he can choose to come with me if he wants. It's HIS choice. "I choose to ______________ and you can choose to come with or play in your game. It's okay to miss a game once in a while." And I mean that. As long as the coach knows ahead of time from you that difficult child is going to be gone for a game because of a "family commitment", there is no shame or harm in that. I would leave the choice up to difficult child. I've done it and eventually it sinks in.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My kids played sports year round too and I about killed myself being in two places at once. Go do what you want to do and the boy will get over it. He is 12 now right? Inform him that if he starts giving you too much grief over it you will start hugging and kissing him in front of all his teammates. LOL
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Absolutely make time for yourself and other family members. After a few grueling years of crazy sports schedules, we limited them to one sport/team activity per season, plus scouts or a private lesson in something they desired. I just couldn't allow our lives to revolve around crazy zealous coaches. They even had the kids scheduled for practice during vacations! Wth! Go schedule some 'me' time!
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is why my kids have ALWAYS had to pick and choose what they want to do. You are a person, just like difficult child is. Being his mother does NOT mean your life stops except when he is there, does it? Of course not. My kids would have to give up things liek an occasional game or practice if there was a family event. Period. I have had numerous coaches and other parents tell me how horrible I am for not going to every game and practice and for expecting a child to miss a game for a wedding or out of town family visits or something and my answer? Go away. I don't CARE about their opinions. My child is at regularly scheduled practices and games, the ones we committed to, but if YOU add extras with-o asking us then don't expect ME to feel they are mandatory. Heck, one coach got upset because I was on the phone during a practice and read a book when not on the phone. I was NOT loud, was NOT near the players, was NOT interrupting ANYTHING, my kid had her equipment, I even provided water bottles for him and for HIS daughter, but I wasn't raptly fascinated by the practice. To be honest, I LOATHED watching games and practices were even worse. I ONLY watched because it was important to Jess (or thank you or Wiz, whichever kid was playing) - NOT because I had even the SLiGHTEST interest. Cause I did not.

    I also feel that WAY too many sports events are held and that they interfere HUGELY with family functioning. We always had one evening per week that was for family and there was NO, ZIP, ZERO ZILCH excuse for missing dinner. not a migraine for me, a meeting at work for husband, a game or practice for the kids. If there was a school event that we knew about well ahead of time we either all went or we rescheduled family time. I strongly feel family is MORE important that games, teams, scouts, or other activities. each round of new activities or school period we could re-arrange which night of the week was family night, and with a week or more notice could even change it for an event. But around here they don't feel that it is reasonalbe to give you even a week's notice - not even by email, text, im or phone call. Often we would find out on Wed or Thurs that an unscheduled thing was scheduled for all day Sat or all night fri and all day Sat and even all day Sun - starting as early as 8 am in a place an hour or more away. That is pure nonsense and my kid often didn't go if we had ANYTHING else on the schedule.

    So no, it is NOT wrong in any way for you to go ahead and go. difficult child needs to learn that he is NOT the center of the universe, and all the coaches out there need to get over kids missing a practice or even a game now and then. We had one or two coaches who even tried to make J show up when she was throwing up from migraines because, ya know, she was faking it. She went to one guy's house and vomited on him ten mn before a game when he insisted she show up or be cut from the team (a 4th grade team for crying out loud!). After that teh coaches ALL learned not to push her, or me. Cause I was the one who turned her to him as she started to vomit. She would have just gotten his grass, but I dealt with sports jerks like this myself and decided he could feel the full fury of a migraine for hmself as he was the one who INSISTED most abusively that she show up. He was told to be grateful I didn't take her to do that on him at the game - and boy did he get an earful from the head of the organization that arraned the league after I called him. Of course the coach thought that he would be praised and I would be scolded for her 'behavior' and he was truly shocked when he was yelled at that she had a frickin' medical issue and he needed to buy some clues and sympathy or stop coaching period. they actually refused to let him coach for a year after that because they had her migraines documented in her team application complete with a doctor's note about the problems. At the time they had asked us to stop giving her any triptans to stop the migraines because of side effects, so her only treatement was pain medications and a dark room until it went away.

    go ahead and go. take easy child. heck, if difficult child is that upset, make him not play for a few months and join something the next season. there is nOTHiNG wrong with missing a season of a sport. i don't CARE what the others say. life and family are vastly more important than sports.
  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Consider yourself backed up! It is a good example for them too to see the balance.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "Sure, go for it and let difficult child manage."

    You got it!
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Shorter version of some of the above...
    difficult child wants to have his cake and eat it too, and life doesn't work that way.
    It's not like he's being "left home" while you go do something fun.
    He's involved in sports - HIS choice - and you get to make choices too.
  12. musiclady

    musiclady New Member

    I'd say go for it. you can't do it all, and the kids need to realize you can't spend all day with just the one child. also, it's why we have decided in our family no week end sports. because husband works shift work, and the week ends are the only family time we get.
  13. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    thanks for all the support and wisdom!! I will definitly have a talk with difficult child and explain things more to him about how things will be in the future. Things have to be fair and fun for all members of the family, not just him! Thanks again.
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree with Susie* on this one. For a while, the kids were in sports all.the.time... Softball, soccer, cheerleading and football. Bio used these as a way to interfere with husband's parenting time, when she could. I don't like saying that but is is true. Then, because they missed a couple of games (a couple - not a lot) due to family stuff, we ended up with the court ordering us to put the kids in sports.

    Jett hated football. I mean hated it. Onyxx refused to play soccer. She also dropped out of cheerleading halfway through the season. Then she refused softball. Jett never had any interest in soccer at all and was iffy about softball. Court ordered or not, if the kids don't want to, we weren't going to waste the money, Know what I mean??

    But here's the thing, regardless - husband or I went to every game. Mostly both of us, but sometimes just one (usually him). One of us took the kids to every practice unless it was bio's parenting time. Honestly? I hate football. I hate soccer. I hate baseball. They bore me to TEARS. I'd rather pick my nose with a razorblade treated with lemon pepper. And the kids know I only go because I support THEIR efforts. But - sports - GAH.

    He wants to play? Great. easy child wants to ____ and you want to ____ and husband wants to ____ so the rest of you are compromising for difficult child most of the time and he needs to compromise for you sometimes too...