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Is it ever ok to just be "done?"
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 687265" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Then there is a spot for me too, Walrus. </p><p></p><p>But here is an interesting thing. When my thinking about what it meant to be a good mother changed, the way my kids thought about me <em>and themselves</em> changed, too. Part of my thinking had to do with exactly what you posted: <em>"...it is a different kind of hell having a child like her."</em></p><p></p><p>And that was true for me, too. Our kids are different. Who knows why. When what we are doing is not helping, then as responsible mothers, we have to do something differently. We cannot, for the life of us, seem to help our kids get off the paths they seem determined to take. But we can change our own paths. We can learn about how helping can somehow turn into enabling ~ which is what happened in my family, bigtime. Everything had become so ugly. I felt foolish for believing the kids just somehow found themselves, time and again, in places that required enormous help from us. But somehow, that seemed always to be the situation we found ourselves in. How could I not help, and still believe I was the mother I wanted to be? But for my kids, and who knows how we got there or who was wrong or right, I needed to become that mother who does not help. </p><p></p><p>I needed to do that.</p><p></p><p>Nothing else was helping any of us.</p><p></p><p>We were a mess.</p><p></p><p>So, I learned (here) about the circle of enabling. That helped me to change how I saw what was happening to all of us. And that changed way of seeing helped me to change my responses. Not just how I responded to the kids, but how I saw the kids, and how I saw myself. It was very hard for me. I wanted to be the good mom, the best mom ever. But what I learned is that I had to be the mother the kids needed. And not the mother I needed to be. </p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>But that was a thing I could do. A pattern I could change.</p><p></p><p>So I did.</p><p></p><p>And things are better.</p><p></p><p>I read somewhere that we should not write the end of the story. The only thing I know for sure is that if we believe the kids can do it, they do it, somehow. This makes them stronger, and gives them a sense of pride in themselves. It changes the dynamic where, if the story is only bad enough, we give them money or bring them home or take their children or whatever it is. And somehow, the story always got bad enough.</p><p></p><p>It was awful.</p><p></p><p>Learning to see what was happening to us in that way was the thing that helped me change how I was looking at my mothering.</p><p></p><p>In a way, what I was teaching my children was that they were beggars. Or, victims. When I should have said, "I'm sorry that happened. You are bright and strong and I know you will handle it." I was saying, "Oh you poor thing. You could never possibly handle the situation. Prove to me it's not your fault. I will help you."</p><p></p><p>So, I stopped doing that.</p><p></p><p>It was very hard.</p><p></p><p>But my kids are taking charge of their own affairs, now. As that is happening, as they experience pride in themselves, their attitudes toward me are changing.</p><p></p><p>We all are healthier, now.</p><p></p><p>I did what I did out of love, but I was not helping my kids feel a sense of efficacy. </p><p></p><p>I am glad I was able to learn about that pattern in our family. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 687265, member: 17461"] Then there is a spot for me too, Walrus. But here is an interesting thing. When my thinking about what it meant to be a good mother changed, the way my kids thought about me [I]and themselves[/I] changed, too. Part of my thinking had to do with exactly what you posted: [I]"...it is a different kind of hell having a child like her."[/I] And that was true for me, too. Our kids are different. Who knows why. When what we are doing is not helping, then as responsible mothers, we have to do something differently. We cannot, for the life of us, seem to help our kids get off the paths they seem determined to take. But we can change our own paths. We can learn about how helping can somehow turn into enabling ~ which is what happened in my family, bigtime. Everything had become so ugly. I felt foolish for believing the kids just somehow found themselves, time and again, in places that required enormous help from us. But somehow, that seemed always to be the situation we found ourselves in. How could I not help, and still believe I was the mother I wanted to be? But for my kids, and who knows how we got there or who was wrong or right, I needed to become that mother who does not help. I needed to do that. Nothing else was helping any of us. We were a mess. So, I learned (here) about the circle of enabling. That helped me to change how I saw what was happening to all of us. And that changed way of seeing helped me to change my responses. Not just how I responded to the kids, but how I saw the kids, and how I saw myself. It was very hard for me. I wanted to be the good mom, the best mom ever. But what I learned is that I had to be the mother the kids needed. And not the mother I needed to be. Ouch. But that was a thing I could do. A pattern I could change. So I did. And things are better. I read somewhere that we should not write the end of the story. The only thing I know for sure is that if we believe the kids can do it, they do it, somehow. This makes them stronger, and gives them a sense of pride in themselves. It changes the dynamic where, if the story is only bad enough, we give them money or bring them home or take their children or whatever it is. And somehow, the story always got bad enough. It was awful. Learning to see what was happening to us in that way was the thing that helped me change how I was looking at my mothering. In a way, what I was teaching my children was that they were beggars. Or, victims. When I should have said, "I'm sorry that happened. You are bright and strong and I know you will handle it." I was saying, "Oh you poor thing. You could never possibly handle the situation. Prove to me it's not your fault. I will help you." So, I stopped doing that. It was very hard. But my kids are taking charge of their own affairs, now. As that is happening, as they experience pride in themselves, their attitudes toward me are changing. We all are healthier, now. I did what I did out of love, but I was not helping my kids feel a sense of efficacy. I am glad I was able to learn about that pattern in our family. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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