Is it horrible to keep coming back here only when I need you?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by saving grace, Nov 7, 2010.

  1. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    My boy was sober for almost 4 years. no complaints, working full time, going to school, girlfriend. what more could I ask for? I found out recently that he started smoking pot. He says its different than shooting heroin, I say if he thinks that way then he hasnt learned a damn thing in the past 4 years. He withdrew from school, girlfriend breaks up with him, he has no money, he is short tempered and irritable. Anxiety is through the roof. I gave him the rules, NO drugs or out you go, he said he would stop,he said he was sorry blah blah blah well here we are and we have been fighting weekly! he is disrespectful and rude, he says the only thing I do is kick him out. well what the heck am I supposed to do? punish him? send him to his room with no supper? take away tv for a week? so if I cant kick him out then what is my recourse? what is there to stop him from breaking my rules if there is not consequence?
    What do I do here? I feel like there is nothing I can do, he is choosing to smoke pot he admits it, he is risking it all and he doesnt care.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hugs.... it is so hard and so sad he was sober for 4 years and is now convincing himself that smoking pot is no big deal. Clearly it is for him... and of course you don't know that he is limiting it to pot. I assume that he is over 18 so why can't you kick him out? Is that because he is accusing you of just doing that? That is totally manipulative on his part. From what you have described it is totally reasonable to kick him out. My experience with my son is that there is no recourse for him breaking rules unless you are willing to kick him out. What I realized is the message I was sending by not kicking him out was worse... that he could get by in life, break all the rules and nothing would happen. The world does not work that way.... in fact in life there are consequences for breaking the rules... In my sons case he learned tha the hard way and after spending a couple of weeks in jail decided he really did not want to do that so now he is thankfully in rehab.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    We all need each other here. Please feel welcome! I'm sorry about your son making bad decisions.
  4. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    thank you. this site got me through some of my darkest times with my son. Its the first place I think of when times are bad. I feel selfish for not sticking around when times are good.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Grace....I remember how bad things were for you when it was really dark. I can understand why you are at this crossroads. Compared to where you have been, you must be going "well, it is just pot, right?"

    I am not going to tell you what to do. If your son was behaving decently to family members and still being responsible, I think that would be one thing. If he is an irritable PITA, that is a whole other bag of problems. There are many people who can function using pot medicinally and not be idiots but if your son cant then I think that is a problem. You have to decide after talking to him what you are willing to put up with.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Grace I agree with Janet. Also it bugs me that he's already making excuses, attempting to justify his behaviors. It's not uncommon for someone who has been clean and sober to back slide. They do well for years and think (or convince themselves) Oh, I've got this under control now.......I'm not that person anymore.

    Only you can decide what you can and can't live with. If you can't tolerate his drug use knowing where it may lead, draw your line in the sand and tell him it's time he leave.

    I'm so sorry he's fallen back to old habits. That has got to hurt after 4 yrs of doing well.

  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Though Janet makes many excellent points, I agree with Toughlovin' on this one.

    Those were exactly the signs we saw with difficult child when he would begin using again.

    In fact, if you can make him realize now that if he starts again, he loses everything he has worked for, there will be a greated chance for his success, I think.

  8. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Thank you all. I saw all the signs before I actually caught him. He is smoking daily. He believes that he can smoke and be just fine. I think differently. He has an addicts brain. eventually his brain will not be satisfied with the euphoria that the pot provides and he will want more. THAT is a road I will not go down. My heart is broken because, yes, it as been 4 years, I really thought that this was behind us. He is irritable, and nasty. short tempered and miserable, so I do believe this is a problem for him. I did tell him that he can not live in my house if he is doing any sort of drugs. He comes back with thats all I ever do is kick him out..... I have done everything for this kid. I cant even begin to list the things I have done for him regardless of what he has done to us. I feel like a prisoner in my home. I told him 3 times in a month and half to get out each time he swears that he is done smoking each time I let him back with a "plan" a plan to save money for an apartment, each time he chose again to violate the rule and choose to smoke. I have to stand by what I said
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


    He clearly doesn't believe you if you say one thing and tolerate another.


    I'm sorry you are facing this, Grace. It's time to put on your warrior mom suit again and be strong.

  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm sorry, Grace. This all sounds so familiar, the promises, the blame, the excuses, the nastiness and irritability, and the sinking feeling you have as you see where things are going.
    You've done everything you can, given him multiple opportunities. I agree with you - you have to stand by what you said. Nothing else will help. So sorry.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well...with what you say, I have to agree with you. You have said something, issued a warning, now its time to back it up.

    My point was not to say that he should be allowed to do anything, just that for some folks it isnt a problem as is seen by the medical legalization in some states. If they can use it in the way prescribed and it works, more power to them. If it is a bad thing and causes problems, then like any issue that causes problems, you have to deal with it.
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    So sorry the good period came to an end. You need to stick to your guns and put him out. "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Eventually he will get it. -RM
  13. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    so sorry Grace. Hang in there. Maybe it is only a short relapse.