Is my SD Callous-Unemotional?

[Deanna Ronalda]

hello everyone!
I have 13 year old stepdaughter(SD) that we are losing as her mother has decided to move her away. Rather than take it to trial, we decided to just let her go... for most of her life she has been a difficult child... very reactive to sounds ands smells, can't control her emotions very well and for the past 2 years, unempathetic and unkind like I have never seen. I wanted to attribute it to teen angst BUT it is abnormal. Her father and I are devastated at losing her but she has not shown us any affection or kindness or compassion. She is stone cold, shows no emotion and is unkind. She has no friends to speak of and is VERY mean and rude to any adult she encounters. She goes to therapy and the only reason she is staying with the therapist she has now is because this one will not rock the boat. Has all of us tiptoeing around her lest we set her off.

She stopped sleeping at our house last year around the time her mother started talking about the move. That was also the time she became interested in why her parents broke up. Her mother told her a lot of terrible things and we believe that fueled her hatred of us. I guess.

But I would find her googling things like, how to fake being sick, how to pretend to have a panic attack, and a few things that really struck me as really messed up. Her therapist has her pegged as anti social with anxiety disorder and she said she refused to sleep at her house because she was afraid of her father and our house. Her father is a very kind, good man who is a very good father and our house is unscary, clean, and orderly.

I feel manipulated. I feel like she has us all running around while she does nothing but play mine craft. She doesn't even go to a real school, but a school that has no curriculum so she has no homework, she has not after 'school' activities, she has no friends, and she spends all her time sleeping or playing mind craft or having her computer read her My little pony fan fiction. When we try to talk to her about being rude, she starts to cry and hyperventilate to get us to stop talking and she never wants to talk about her emotions or ours. She does not care for any or how they hurt save for herself. She has said that if something makes her feel bad, she does not want to hear it. I find her behaviour odd, scary and unsettling. I can't tell if she's going to be in big trouble as an adult or if I am making a huge deal out of a slightly odd child.

anyway... any insight would be helpful. I am happy to give you a zillion more examples if you need, but this is her in a nutshell.

 

[BusynMember1]

This sounds a lot like high functioning autism to me. The kids seem uncaring because they cant express emotions well. Autistic children and adults are odd and need autistic help and interventions. First they need a good diagnostician. I am not a psychologist, but I have done teaching in the past. I have worked with autistic children.

I am very leery of any professional who would label a child as ASPD at 13! That's insane. Go somewhere else.

I hope this girl gets the right help. My daughter did not and is a mess.

 

[Copabanana]

I am very leery of any professional who would label a child as ASPD at 13!

I agree with this.

It sounds like the move is just confirming a state of affairs that has been developing for awhile, for close to a year, since her mother decided about the move, and since your step-daughter decided to no longer come to your house. Assuming your husband had partial physical custody, there seems to have been some acquiescence on his part to the changing state of affairs.

As you and your husband have made the decision to not fight the move, I think I would try to let it go. The child for reasons that seem unclear responded by pulling even farther away, following the decision by her mother to move. It's impossible to know the motivations of anybody involved, in making or allowing or responding to these changes.

The child could well have felt rejection or abandonment by her father, who knows. Or she could have been influenced by her mother, in what one parent here, called parental alienation. Or some other thing.

I guess I am saying here, what can you do, now, with all of this water under the bridge?

What I do feel, is this child merits a certain amount of compassion. She seems to be struggling and suffering for reasons that are unclear. Whether she has a development disorder or an incipient mental illness, or it is something else, like a response to what is happening around her, is unclear.

What would help I think is a commitment by one or both of her parents to get to the bottom of this by taking her to a developmental neuropsychologist for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan. But it's unclear whether your husband has the legal authority to take his child to this kind of professional.

What I did is to take my son to the Child Development Center at a regional Children's Hospital. There he saw a neuropsychologist for a team workup, supported by a team consisting of a psychiatrist, a neurologist, and a psychiatric social worker. Many of us here on this board have found this to be a helpful step.

Take care and welcome.

 

[lost and need help]

She sounds a lot like my daughter, high function autism level 2. The things here I quoted are what really raises the autism flags to me.

very reactive to sounds ands smells, can't control her emotions very well

This is called sensory processing disorder, it's very common in autism spectrum disorder. I've seen the numbers quoted as 90% plus of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids have sensory problems.

googling things like, how to fake being sick, how to pretend to have a panic attack, and a few things that really struck me as really messed up

This is a guess on my part but high anxiety could be driving this behavior.

she was afraid of her father

Some kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) have a lot of fears, many without reason.

no curriculum so she has no homework, she has not after 'school' activities, she has no friends, and she spends all her time sleeping or playing mind craft or having her computer read her My little pony fan fiction.

The no friends, the no homework, no extra curricular, mine craft are very Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) behaviors (but not limited to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). However, the my little pony fan fiction would be called a "special interest" which is a hallmark of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

she never wants to talk about her emotions or ours. She does not care for any or how they hurt save for herself

She might not want to talk about her emotions because she does not understand them and is unable to properly verbalize them. Both big red flags for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). My daughter is 14 and really struggles with everything here you mentioned.


I second what a previous poster said as well. I had my daughter all over looking for a proper diagnosis for her and everywhere I have went they all say something different. We've been told, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), anxiety, depression, all behavioral there's nothing wrong with her, ADD, borderline personality traits, bipolar, Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED), eating disorder, mood dysregulation disorder. So my advice is don't stop at one therapist, they are not all created equal. We've seen a lot of them and some are good and some are not good and some really don't care, your child is just a paycheck to them and it all pays the same regardless if the child is helped or not. We the parents really have to advocate and do the legwork and research because at the end of the day we know our kids better than any professional. It took me 5 years and all those different diagnoses to finally get to the root of the problem which is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Now my daughter is 14.5 years old and her life is a complete mess because she didn't receive the proper help when she needed it. The very sad part is that these kids are looked at as disciplinary problems because they appear to be normal but in reality they have really severe deficits in brain/life function.

 

[susiestar]

Was she always cold like this, or did this come on more at a certain age? I know that ASPD is NOT diagnosed until adulthood because some teenage behaviors that are not only normal but developmentally appropriate can imitate it. MANY teens cut their parents, or one parent, out of their lives when they are teens. My older brother (only bro) started to demand 24 hour notice to come down and eat dinner with the family when he was 12. To go out to eat? 48 hours or more. He cited school work, but mostly that wasn't it. It meant I got a LOT of 1:1 time and meals out with my parents that I didn't have to put up with him over. He has his problems, but ASPD isn't it. Oh, he had a LOT of other things that could have seen him labelled ASPD, but it just isn't him.

Often kids that seem cold/callous and who are very sensitive to various types of sensory input are on the autism spectrum. They can be very far from the "typical" autism profile. My oldest son is very high functioning and fit the definition of Asperger's very well (now it is just high functioning autism as a diagnosis). We had severely anti-social behaviors from him, and had no clue why for a long time. he is very different now, but he is also an adult now.

My youngest child had very severe sensory issues. Bad enough that he couldn't attend school every day all day for YEARS. Several specialists told us that sensory integration disorder is on the autistic spectrum.

I think it is pretty normal for kids to find ways out of school and things they find uncomfortable. For a kid with autism, ANY discussion of feelings is uncomfortable. When my youngest son (who is 19) isn't feeling good, I have to make him stop and focus on himself and put one finger on where it hurts/feels bad. He simply cannot identify even physical pain (unless a very specific accident happened, such as a cut with blood dripping out) the way you or I would. I do know that my older 2 kids had each googled ways to fake being sick by the time they were in 3rd or 4th grade. And my daughter actually LIKED school!

To an adult, faking a panic attack seems cruel to the people around you. To a kid who has no way to cope with her own emotions, and/or with the sensory input that is coming in, it may simply be a way to get people to leave her alone when she is at her worst coping capacity.

Girls do not present with autism the way boys do. MANY autism experts have a hard time identifying girls with autism unless it is severe. Why? Girls imitate what others do and how they say they feel. Girls are expected to understand emotion and display it far more appropriately by society. Looking back, the signs of my own autism are very clear when compared to the symptoms of girls with autism. I often had absolutely zero idea why the other girls were talking the way they were, why they wanted to do this or that, or how to talk to them. I can remember sitting with a group of friends at school and wondering why on earth they were so interested in sportsball and dolls and if a boy was "cute". I was 7 at the time. That feeling came to me more and more as I grew up. I did learn how to fit in with at least a small group of good friends, most of the time. By college I was able to pretty much take care of myself as far as life skills, but social skills were not a strong point.

I spent quite a lot of time with my nose in a book. I didn't go anywhere without one after about age 5 or 6. I loved the stories, but it also was a shield against the social stuff I just didn't understand. In 5th grade and for most of 6th grade, I didn't speak to anyone at school. I got teased a LOT, and bullied a lot too. Even the teachers (NUNS, some of them) and the priest would call me names. I am stubborn as all heck when I am pushed too far. I flat out REFUSED to talk to even my teachers and the priest, even during Confession. I talked plenty at home, but those people at school had NOTHING to say that I wanted to talk about. My parents didn't know until years later. No one from school called them, probably because the names I was being called by the staff would have had my mother's hair on fire and lawyers brought into the situation.

I cannot tell you to keep your stepdau with you, or if she is autistic or ASPD or any other diagnosis. But I can say that your husband should at least work to keep in contact with her, even if it is just online. It may be hard with her in another state, but if she knows she can call on you if she needs you, it could make a big difference in the future. It is VERY difficult to make a teen do ANYTHING (I speak from harsh experience!), and if her mother has lied to her about her father, it may take quite some time (years or decades) before she develops a more positive relationship with her father. Or, her mother could end up driving her away in her later teens. This is why you need to keep the lines of communication open. And as non-judgemental as possible about things you have no control over. That way, if she is truly in trouble, you can help her or get help to her if it is needed. (We had that situation with a cousin who's mother moved in a predator). My cousin was a truly awful person as a teen, but by not judging, I was able to be there to help pull her out of her mother's new guy's grasp and back into safety.