Is ok to kick a 16 yr old son from the house?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Gwyneth1, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. Gwyneth1

    Gwyneth1 New Member

    My husband kicked my 16 yr old son from the house because he did not come home last night. I don't agree with that decision. My son has a drug problem and I went out to look for him and took him back to the house. My husband is upset and said I'm enabling my son's behavior. I just don't want him on the streets, I'm still responsible for this child. Did I do wrong?
     
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    No, you didn't. He is still a minor child and your responsibility. Likely legal responsibility to provide shelter and upkeep for depending where you live.

    Kicking a minor child out is not an answer. To place him out of home may be the necessity but streets are not a proper placement for a child.

    Maybe you could tell us more about your situation. There are many members who have had their teens have drug issues and are knowledgeable in how to find resources (also out of home placements if that is needed) for them.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Do you live in the US? If so, it isn't legal to kick a sixteen year old out of the house. Surrender him to foster care, yes. Put him in a residential treatment center to get help, definitely. Find a drug treatment rehab and make him go as a condition of your letting him having any 'toys' at all, positively.

    But it is illegal to kick a sixteen year old out of the house here. I think you should try a few of the options I suggestion above. And, at the same time, I'd cut off his toys and refuse to sign to let him have a driver's license and NEVER let him drive if he is using drugs. It's very dangerous for him to be on the road. Provide him the bare minimum if he is refusing to get treatment. The bare essentials are a warm home and nutritious food (you don't need to give him chips). Don't give him any money. he is old enough to get a part time job or defiant enough to have to sit at home and not have the extras. We cut off our daughter w hen we found she was using. She DID get a job...to her credit...but I'm sure some of the money she made was used for drugs. Still, that self-destructive drug use was not because WE gave her money. We didn't even like her smoking cigarettes so her allowance actually ended when we found cigarettes in her purse. Your house/your rules.

    You have two years to try to get help for him before he is legally on his own. Then, if things have not improved and he is abusive to you, stealing, violent or involved in continued criminal activitity...that is the time to discuss with him that if he refuses to change, you may have to pack his bags for his own good. Up until then...no. My #1 choice is he goes to drug rehab or he gets no cell phone, internet, car keys, money...nothing. This is a critical time to try to intervene.

    Hugs for your hurting heart and all the grief. I have been there. Most of us have. Do you have younger kids that are seeing his bad example?
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2014
  4. Gwyneth1

    Gwyneth1 New Member

    Thank you for your reply. My son has been behaving better than usual, I've notice certain change in his attitude, he even got his grades up, but last night he asked permission to go to a friend's house and he ended up leaving and spending the night without permission in another friend's house. He has ran away from home 2 times before and I think he's feeling he can do it any time he wants. I don't know what to do to prevent that situation.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When he ran away, did you call the police?

    Sometimes we really have to get tough with our kids who are self-destructing. It almost killed me, but I called the police twice on my daughter.
     
  6. Gwyneth1

    Gwyneth1 New Member

    We did not called the police, that was gonna leave a misdemeanor in his record. I talked to him this morning and told him that I will call police if he does it again and that I'm tired of his run away game.
     
  7. Gwyneth1

    Gwyneth1 New Member

    I will take away all his toys for sure this time. I don't want him to think I'm a "softly" for bringing him back home.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are NOT a softie. He is only sixteen. Unless you find somewhere else for him, he has to be allowed home. Your husband is wrong in this. Be strong though. Drug using kids are not the people they were before they started using and they will lie, steal, cheat, even swear at you or hit you...be prepared to call the cops if there is any violence (just my opinion...to me, there is zero tolerance for that). it will not help your son if you start getting tough on him and then back off because he is behaving for a few weeks. My daughter did that all the time. You want to be sure he is actually SOBER...and he will likely need treatment for that.
    Is he willing to comply with drug abuse treatment?

    Hugs to you. We are here for you...on call 24/7 :) And we understand and care.
     
  9. Gwyneth1

    Gwyneth1 New Member

    He agreed to attend counseling a few months ago and that helped him a lot. But since I found out he was doing drugs I don't trust him and I'm always afraid he's doing it behind my back.

    Thank soo much for your support. It feels good to discuss this situation without being judged.
     
  10. wg67

    wg67 Member

    I know in Canada where I live when my daughter at 16 ran away police said if they happened to see her they'd pick her up but wouldn't actively look for her. Teens can legal move out at 16 but if a parent kicks them out at 16 then as parents we are in trouble. Regardless if our 16 yr old moves out we as parents are legally responsible. A time when I stood in front of my daughter at 16 and said you are not going out to party she called police and I had no recourse to prevent her from doing what she wanted. Trying to get your teen into drug programs here is very difficult and every thing a parent tried to do to prevent teens here from going down the slippery slope the control seems is given back to the teen by child services and the parents are the bad ones...I hope and pray you have an easier time and your son is receptive to help. I agree rehab, therapy hopefully will help get your son back onto a clean and siber life. Hugs prayers things get better for your family
     
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    I too am Canadian and when our son ran off same thing. Our son will be 18 in October. He has been in and out of trouble with drugs for 4 years now progressively gotten worse. I called the police on him he was arrested in May and charged with possession of cocoiane and MJ. A rough call to make but he was advertising and selling drugs from my home on his Instagram account. He is insolent and disruptive does not abide by the Hosue rules. He was away from home couch surfing from friend to friend for a while. We let him move back home in June indicating that he needed to abide by the Hosue rules and go back to school and attempt to get his credits. It was a struggle but he got his credits and was able to enrol in an alternative program for next year to finish high school. He needs 6 credits. To tally it up he won't listen, doesnt do any chores, won't keep his room clean; I don't clean it it is full of garbage and dirty laundry. He was taking the family cars without permission so now I sleep with my keys and my valuables locked up. He has been going to out patient rehab which is a bit of a joke because I know he is still using drugs. Got a job slept in missed his first day has called in sick twice in a week and won't have the job for long. Took my car brought it back wreaking of MJ found an ounce on him. Hard rule no drugs in the house. He said an ounce isnni big deal. I have asked him to leave. Said we would pay first and last months rent on a room for him. I am taking his phone off the family plan. He has gone over his plan every single month. Said I would get him his fist pre paid SIM card. He wants his car back that we took back from him is insolent and not sorry about anything but getting caught with drugs again. He rages about the car. When he had it for 4 months it was a garbage tip and when he was found with drugs we took the car from him. He says he is not leaving without his car. I don't really care about the car I am exhausted from fighting with him. We have done and tried everything possible he refused to go to in treatment programs and only sees his outpatient rehab counsellor because it is part of his bail. He had his 17 yr old girlfriend sleep over when I told him I don't condone that in my Hosue. He harassed her when she broke up with him to the point of her parents threatening to have him charged. He clearly has issues but keeping him at home and allowing him to do what he pleases and making our lives hell is simply not the answer any more. We have his bail coordinator from John Howard society finding him a place to reside. I held his bail until he did drugs (snorting OxyContin) and I rescinded. I say give him the car I am not paying for insurance on it so he can have at it. He has never paid us for it and was supposed to pay us half of the cost. He is cockey, arrogant, rude and insolent. He is on a job for a pool Company with guys who smoke pot at work. If this is how he wants to live his life he is welcome to it. I get that they are in teen brain mode until they are in their 20's but I refuse to allow him to reside with us and break every singe house rule. This has almost distroyed my marriage of 30 years and my husband and I separated for a year because of the stress. Of course our son blames his drug use on us and we were almost ruined by it. I don't sleep I have panic attacks I don't work full time any more because he consumes so much of my time and energy. We are making him leave as we can not take any more. He needs to go and sort his life out on his own terms. The only way we will allow him back home is if he completes an in Hosue treatment program that can be mandated by his probation officer once his case gets through the court systems, or one we have a bed on hold for him in once a bed becomes available. He has absolutely refused to go to the rehab programs. When you read the description of who Pine River and Project DARE treat our kid is the poster child. Asking him to leave was not an easy decision. It tears us apart emotionally. But he will not change and he needs to be out in the world and find some way to gain perspective and an attitude adjustment or not.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that YOU have done everything you can do.

    I would NOT let your son come home for a very long time, if ever. He is not ready to change.

    My son, when younger, sounds exactly like your son. I was waiting for our son to be "ready to change" too. A recent therapist he had who was a former addict told me that we CAN and should force the change and that is what we have set out to do. We've literally done everything else.

    After a 2 month binge on benzos March of 2016 we said rehab or OUT the door. He sat there as high as a kite during his binge telling me he wasn't going to rehabs ever again; he was done with that! I knew he had nowhere to go. I was scared and hoped I could be strong. He is very strong willed. He chose rehab because it was the better choice. After rehab we sent him to sober living 1300 miles away. I could not again let him come home; we had seen him fail too many times. He did great for a while in his IOP and sober living and then started his BS with them. Jumped around to many sober livings breaking the rules. I was completely freaking out. Couldn't believe that he was acting this way and not wanting help. I thought he'd end up dead. I really did.

    After living in car a few days, he seemed to do better and got a shared apartment and working steadily. We thought he was smoking weed and a bit of drinking but we thought he was okay since he was taking a class and seemed to be handling everything (we are still learning). We helped him out with the rent but he was taking care of a lot of things he had never taken care of before in his life so we felt he was "growing". After about six months things shifted. His girlfriend (who is a doll and doesn't party; has lost both parents to addiction) found him huffing in his room (OMG the visual of that still makes my stomach turn) and he went to detox at her insistence. Long story but a few months later he is now in sober living and we told him we are DONE and if he doesn't do it this time we are walking away from him. He doesn't have the attitude he used to have so that is a major breakthrough. He seems to have humbled himself in many ways.

    I have refrained from speaking to him at all at times because I just needed to pull away for ME. I am done doing the mommy thing. We had been very very close. I am in therapy and it has helped me set loving boundaries for him and us.

    I still don't know what will happen or if he will stay on course. He needs to realize he cannot drink a beer and he cannot smoke weed or he'll end up back to pills. He has told me that but does he really believe it and embrace it? How many times does he have to go down the toilet to see that?

    My unsolicited opinion is that your son cannot get well in your home. Our son cannot either. It would be nice to be together and it would be a lot less cost to us (we are paying half his rent as long as he is sober and working) but it just is not meant to be. It was very hard for me to accept that. I wasn't ready to let go.

    You need a break. It doesn't mean you don't love your son. Your son is almost an adult and he has chosen this path. Our son (like most of us here) is from a very good family and has his future laid out for him if he'll just take the path that he needs to take. He has no reason to numb himself from anything. He's had a great life and we have been good parents. We did the family meals, the baseball, the football, family vacations, two furry dogs. Everything that a parent can possibly do to provide a loving and nurturing home for him.

    Some people choose the hard life. I don't know why and I'll never understand it. I love and support him but I cannot let him take me down with him. If he doesn't choose the right path, he will not be in our lives.
     
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  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    Thank you so much. This note has come to me at such an important time. We just spent 2 hours in therapy. Our son didn't go to work again today but refused to go with us. I am at home he is still in bed.
    Our therapist 100% agrees with our plan to ask our son to leave. He is in outpatient rehab which is a joke. His rehab therapist was supposed to meet with me today and canceled. She is always cancelling and rescheduling. She wants me to hang on until next week until they have a place sorted out for him to go. My hands shake when I come home. I don't know if I can manage to hold on over the weekend. I really want to have him gone he is getting more and more aggressive and manipulative. He definitely suffers from conduct disorder. We know he will choose jail or rehab. We have offered to place him in an in patient diversional program and he has refused. He is facing possession charges as a minor and they will carry only probation and a sealed record. He has requested a stay of proceedings twice and is yet to organize legal assistance for himself. He takes zero accountability for his actions.
    We are the same good people. Good life many travel opportunities. He lies about us and his home life. Say terrible things about us. Romantisizing a bad life for himself, to justify his behaviour. He constantly says he is going to kill himself but never does he so too selfish to do that.
    for strength to hold on until he is out of the house.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    I so agree with you we are in the very same boat. My son can not stay with us at home we can not provide him with the structure and guidance he requires. His out patient rehab coordinator and his bail coordinator are trying to arrange alternative living for our son. I am in a constant state of anxiety and hope they find a place soon. He has taken to carrying around a hammer sharpened at both ends and an air BB hand gun.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh gosh that is crazy. I'd call the police if my son had those things in his room. He would have small knives and we would take them away. He never said mean things to us or said he had a bad childhood but he was certainly a stranger when he used. A stranger I did not want to be around even though he LOOKED like our son.

    We used to lock our bedroom door at night because it was a stranger in the room next to us. When I think of all we have been through. I don't know how I was able to focus at work.

    I will never go down that road again for ANYONE. I love myself more than that....finally.

    Stay strong.
     
  16. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am so sorry but I agree with you all that he cant live with you. He will not change, he will not get well, and quite frankly you need to feel safe. Having my difficult child carrying around a hammer and a BB gun would send me into orbit. If you feel his behavior is threatening get an escape plan and call the police. I am sure that bail conditions would not allow this. Like all of the other stories, my son had everything in front of him but chose the long difficult road. Add to that drugs and a schizophrenic outcome (which I still think was caused by the drugs) Our lives imploded. I am now on the other side, but he will never live with me again. And guess what? I don't have to justify that decision to anyone. Hugs to you as you walk this journey. Please stay safe!
     
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    I called the police on him in May he was arrested. It has been. Nothing but a 3 ring circus that has but undue stress in us to get him to court and bail meetings. I told him if he acted out again I wasn't calling the police, I wasn't asking him to get help. I would simply ask him to leave.
     
  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    In the last weeks my son was with us I even drew up a "contract" for him to sign. He laughed and tore it up. I printed it again. It again disappeared off the fridge. I have to say I hated him at that moment.

    He never has said he is sorry that he did that or that if he KNEW that was "it" he would have done it differently. I want to hear that from him but I may never hear it. My husband thinks it's his age/immaturity that prevents him from seeing how he has hurt us.

    Your son may not agree to "leave" and that's the problem. I think deep down our son KNEW that he needed help but I still think he is fighting the change and has not surrendered. It's just pure insanity is what it is.

    I was always so afraid of the outcome if we flexed our muscle and took our home back. Looking back I don't know what took us so long. I think it was more me because my husband was angry and done a lot sooner than I was. I was momma bear and kept trying to fix him. He didn't want to be fixed. He wanted to keep raising hell in our home and disrespecting everything that we stood for. I even thought maybe at times that he was possessed by a demon or something. Could not make sense of any of it. I know that sounds far fetched but yes, I went there in my mind!

    You do not say if you have any other children in your home. But you and your husband deserve peace and a happy home as does anyone else in your home.

    I'm so glad my son is no longer living with us. I don't even want him to come for a visit for a long time. We do visit him. I used to feel SO GUILTY for feeling that way but I don't anymore. All I have to do is think about some of the things he has put us through and the way he has made me feel and then I am at peace with all of it.
     
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    We have no other children at home which is a blessing and a curse. Husband and I spent 2 hours with our family therapist today. She has done extensive testing on our son and has confirmed he has Conduct Disorder and agrees 100% that what he needs is in patient treatment for his behaviour and his addiction. Social services are finding our son a place to stay. It won't be pleasant and he won't like it one bit. It will be rooming Hosue or a transition home of some sort in the community. They are attempting to place him in another city and that is certainly to remove him from his drug and criminal element. It won't make a difference. It's like these kid can sniff each other out of the wood work. I have come home and he was in bed until 3 pm. He has begged to stay home and is acting like a little angel saying he won't mess up again. I cry silent tears for the conflict this causes in my heart. Because the minute he knows he won't get what he wants or does get what he wants he is right back to Mr Hyde. I to have the strength to tell him the only way he can come back home is to successfully complete an in patient behaviour and rehab treatment. He won't do it. The only hope we have of getting him there is via probation. Once he gets through the courts and is on probation they can provide options of incarceration or a diversion to an in patient rehab and behaviour program called project DARE. It is a min of 2 months and is an average stay of 6 months for male youth age 13-19. He is getting a lawyer and attempting to fight his charges. I hate going to court with him. Last time he dragged himself out of bed didn't showe or brush his teeth even. I had to call him 5 times to get him up and in the car. He said to me that he was on time and fine and that he didn't stand out. I said congratulations your blending in with the bottom 10 % of society. I sad next time look st the people who work at the court and see how you compare.
    His rehab counsellor was supposed to be finding him an alternative place to stay today, and she bailed on our meeting. Asked if he could stay at home. I asked for how long and told her I was more uncomfortable with his behaviour and he was starting to frighten me. Let's hope he is in other accommodations come Monday.
    It breaks my heart and I want to believe so badly that the well behaved boy making his bed and doing his laundry is my one and only son back for good. But I know it won't last.
     
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost Member

    Thank you so much for your words of support and I agree the schizophrenia was most likely caused by the drugs. It certainly upregulates it. He is begging me not to kim him out. I am holding my breath until Monday. He is being so sweet doing his own laundry and tidied his room. He has never done that before. I know it won't last it is only because he wants something. I sent the pictures to his bail couselor and his rehab couselor and they don't care to do anything about it. In Canada they simply won't lock youth up. He would be out on bail or they would expedite his trial and that is it. He stole our car we reported it and the police picked him up and he told them where the car was and the police opted for diversion and released him with a warning. Do you believe that?! I told the officer involved to batten down the hatches because he would be seeing my son again soon. It wasn't 2 weeks and he was arrested for possession of drugs 2 counts and trafficking....yet again the crown decided to go with the possession charges and if he pleades only one. It's like the system is tempting them to become criminals.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2017 at 6:18 PM