is the crisis time over yet???

busywend

Well-Known Member
Janet, I think it is a good idea to take it slow. I know your emotions are up and down right now. I think you and boyfriend need to take this time apart to really figure some things out. I do not blame you one bit for going for a walk with him. You just have to make sure your eyes are not cloudy with fear of losing him. Keep your eyes open and your gut feelings clear. If he starts doing this often it is because he thinks he can.

I believe he is just going through something. He needs to work on it himself and that is OK. It seems like he communicates with you quite well - this is good. I still have to pull things out of boyfriend.

I am glad you feel more peace in your home with Ant gone. It is REALLY good that he went to work today.
 

SunnyFlorida

Active Member
Very sorry to read all this Janet. I don't get to General very often these days.

It saddens me so that Ant can't seem to balance the demands of life with the choices he's made or is continuing to make. It bothers me that these difficult child's (I use this term loosly as Ant is not the only one) think everything is poor poor pitiful me.

I have no words of wisdom only {{{sunny hugs}}} and a heavy heart.

I do hope you and boyfriend take things slow. There's nothing wrong with giving each other space to see what happens next.

Thinking of you.
 

jbrain

Member
Hi Ant's Mom,
I agree with Donna about everything she said! You are doing the right thing with Ant. I also agree about the boyfriend. He is still all upset over an anniversary 4 yrs after wife left him?! I met my current husband about 3 yrs after his wife left him and he had moved on--I can't imagine him being upset on their anniversary by that time. Also, my husband died and yes, the 1st anniversary was rough but I too moved on. I would not want to be with a man who is still hung up on an ex--he :censored2: well better be thinking about me!

It does sound like you are doing well though--picking yourself up, doing things you want to do. Please do take it slow with boyfriend if you are going to try to keep the relationship. Sounds like he finds you more desirable when he thinks you are not needing him so much--as soon as you need him he gets uncomfortable. You will meet the best guys when you are happy with yourself and your own life--amazing how it works.

Hugs,
Jane
 

Sunlight

Active Member
thanks and no donna I do not mind the bluntness. I totally appreciate seeing all sides of an issue and ultimately decide after weighing things out. I have thought those very thoughts.

as for ant...he is fine. he found a gal who has a three brdm house and two lil boys. she needs a renter. no lease. he called rather calm and is coming to pick up his bed today. I am not going back to him living here no matter what. he has not missed work and she may ride him for some extra money. whatever...he has to work it out. I gave him a 6 months start. I will not house an alcoholic. too hard to watch.

as for boyfriend...he did come over and we walked in a lot of silence. we then took a picnic to the lake and sat while the sun set. I told him all the stuff I didnt like about "us" and thanked him for all the good things he has done. he truly seems depressed and distraught. I know he has never gotten over the wife and he should seek help. I told him he can get antidepressants and talk to his doctor.

I do not feel all bubbly about him and certainly not in the mood to treat him like a King. he would have to earn that.

we are going to the play tomorrow night with a group of friends. I am doing some serious praying to God to help me have discretion and insight into whether I want to spend more time with him after that. I am getting much better at being on my own since this week without him.

geez I always feel like "perils of penelope" and want a normal world. whatever that is. I cannot fix or help anyone nor do I want to.
 

hearthope

New Member
Janet ~ I know we are all just in "cyber land" but you have so many REAL people that are truly concerned and praying for you and your family.

~GOD HAS A PLAN~ it is always in his own time.

I am glad you are doing the study a purpose driven life, it really makes you think about things in a different way doesn't it?

Remember all those that are praying, God hears ours prayers and he will heal your heart.

Sending cyber {{{{{HUGS}}}}


You have fought a long hard battle....It is time for rest
 

Ally

New Member
I am sorry this is happening. He is a big boy and needs to stand on his own. You have done everything in your power to help him and to try and help him succeed, its his turn now.

((((Hugs))))

Ally
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
I think the tables have turned somewhat. You were in such greif, but now that he's trying to make his way back (so to speak) you have more control over the situation, which is good. I think it's good that you suggested he need help. I wouldn't take him back, unless he did so. Take things slow. Keep your distance. Don't let him reel you back in, unless you are 100% that he's ready to be serious and that he's not going to hurt you again. If you aren't 100% certain, then date other people, when you are ready.
 

saving grace

New Member
Janet, I read your reply to Fran and realized I must of mised a post from you so I went back and found this one.

I am sorry for your pain. I wish Ant found a place under better circumstances.

I am worried for Kaleb, Ant is not making good decisions where he is concerned. He doesnt deserve this.

I hope Ant finds his way back to AA.

Grace
 

rejectedmom

New Member
Janet, I just saw this or I would have responded sooner. I too think that sending Ant away and not p0articipating in his chaous is absolutly the best thing for both you and Ant.

As far as boyfriend goes i think you are wise to go very slowly. Truly you haven't given yourself a break from him. He has been calling and popping in and out of both your life and your thoughts on a very constant basis. Pursuing friendships with your "galpals" and hobbies such as your book group is an excellent way of learning more about yourself and your needs.

When you no longer "need" a man in your life and feel fulfilled in every aspect other than that you are ready for a deeply fulfilling relationship. i truly believe that when we have evolved to the point that we can honestly replace the word "need" by "want" a relationship, that is the ideal. The relationship then is an additive to an already fulfilling life and is much healthier and less stressed.

I am sending you many (((((((HUGS)))))))))))) and prayers. I hope that you experience peace and serenity everyday for the rest of your life. -RM
 

ScentofCedar

New Member
Janet, Ant chose this for himself. He had to know you would not tolerate it. And if you had forgiven it this time, next time would only have been harder.

You stood by him and helped him to get through prison (and I remember your posts from that time ~ it was so hard for you to be there and to see your son there ~ but you did it). You helped him settle in to a new life after his release, and give him six months of your own life so that he could put down roots.

You would have given him more, but Ant himself made that impossible.

You did not HAVE another choice, where Ant is concerned.

I agree with Donna regarding boyfriend's rationalizations for his shoddy behavior. I still say that there are people out there who work through their own issues by victimizing others. When I read your posts regarding boyfriend now though, I am struck by how much stronger you are.

And, if the information boyfriend is giving you now are true things he had never shared before, then maybe boyfriend is in the process of changing, too....

I read something once about a woman walking those paths she had chosen with grace, if not pleasure.

I would say that describes your response to these events, Janet.

You are an amazing woman.

Barbara
 

Sunlight

Active Member
thanks for all the support and wonderful words to think about and digest.

ant has not called me but once to see about kaleb's sitting issues. he never called for Easter. I am removing myself from his world. what do I expect? I guess his drinking will take him to the jail again. without me this time. God be with him.

boyfriend gave me the most romantic loving card for Easter. He and I had Easter dinner at his mom and dad's/ I love them.
they hug me and love me back. when doing dishes she and I got to talk. she said boyfriend cannot see what he has. she seems disgusted with him still mourning about the ex wife. she said the ex is happy and is not ever coming back. she told me I cannot allow boyfriend to pop in and out of my life when he is lonely. she agreed that is not good for me and is not right. She hugged me when I left and told me I have to do what is best for ME.

when we got back to his house, I asked boyfriend if he still feels he needs time apart from me. He said he wants to see me and date me now and then, not every day like we had in the past. he said he still has issues over his marriage ending. I told boyfriend that I have enough other turmoil in my life worrying over my grandson, taking care of my sister, and working and taking care of my home on my own. I told him I need a stable for-sure relationship. I have dated him over 3 yrs. if he cannot move ahead, I am leaving him behind. I do not want to sit on a shelf while he decides this day or that if he wants me in his world. He had tears in his eyes. I told him I took a lot from him I shouldnt have with his disloyalty at times in the past. I am not taking wondering if today we have a relationship/tomorrow we don't. I will be 55 this year. I want someone to grow old with. someone to love me and treat me as well as I do them.

I left it with him that if he does not come to my house when I get off work tonight, then tomorrow I start praying that God send the right person in my life so that I can get on with it.
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Good for you janet. You did the right thing. If you keep hanging on to would could be, you will never get to what can be. Good luck.
 

KFld

New Member
Wow!! Where have I been? I guess I don't check into general very often, but realize now I should. I can't believe you have been dealing with this issue with ant for close to 2 weeks now, or maybe even longer, and this is the first I have seen of it.

I am so sorry to hear that ant has relapsed. I can't say I have walked in both of your shoes because D.J. has never been in jail, but I have walked in your shoe that deals with the relapse end of all of this, so my heart goes out to you. You definatley made the right choice in asking him to leave and not allowing him back. I know that is what you told him when he came back to live with you, that he had this one chance and you would not tolerate his drinking in your home ever again. Good for you, you stuck to your word when he didn't keep his. I sometimes wonder when d.J. is doing well if someday he wouldn't be able to come back home, and then I read something like this and it gives me my answer. This truley is a one day at a time disease and for the rest of their lives we will never know what the next day will bring for them. I know the hope you had that ant had learned enough from his experience to continue to move forward with his life and hopefully someday he will be on that path again, but you know as well as the rest of us, there is nothing you can do to make that happen.

As for your boyfriend, he doesn't know what he's losing if he lets you walk away.

Sounds like you really need some quality time for yourself right now. I hope you can find the strength to stay on your feet and get through both of these life changing events. You have had the strength to get through so much in the past, so I'm sure you can dig down deep and pull it all back out again!!

Sorry I responded so late. My heart did a flip flop when I came across this post and I really wished I had seen it sooner as you have been so much support to me in the past.

I'll just have to make sure I check into this part of the site much more often.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Janet, you are a strong woman. You know boyfriend should feel lucky to have you. If he can not figure that out - :censored2: him!

That censored word is not a nail, but another item used for building! LOL!



 

LittleDudesMom

Well-Known Member
Janet,

I want you to go back and read your first set of posts when ant and boyfriend issues first happened. Then read this last thread and compare the Janets. What you will find, is that you have become more sure of yourself, stronger, and a better friend to yourself! You are not taking any crap from either of the men who have disappointed you. That's progress - you are going to be fine. I just know it.

Sharon
 

ctmom05

Member
<span style='font-size: 11pt'><span style='font-family: Fixedsys'>Janet,

Clear boundaries, that you do not waver from, are going to help you right now.</span> </span>
 
I do not blame you at all, or think that you are mean! Just reading your post brings back all the drama we lived through, the lies, etc. You are doing exactly what you need to do for YOURSELF!! The hardest lesson husband and I had to learn was to just say enough is enough, you either clean it up or you can't live here and keep putting us through this. I knew something had changed in me when I found out in November that difficult child had been put in jail for her behavior when she relapsed. I cried for about 2 minutes because I was sad, but then I never worried because I thought maybe that was what she needed and at least she was OK. I could never have done that 3-4 years ago. You are in my prayers.
 
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