is there a legal option?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Feb 10, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    What can a parent do when their child has an older boyfriend? difficult child is 14 and her boyfriend is 17 (at least that is what she is saying - could be older) HE attended her school, got in an altercation and had a one week suspension, now has to attend alternate school for one week, and maybe he will be allowed back to school. We don't allow difficult child to date, but she is obsessed with this guy. It has only been 5 days of "relationship status" duly noted on hr fb page. Yesterday we allowed her to go to the mall with a her little sister, a girl friend, and the girls mom - we actually talked to her and she said she was going shopping there. Short story, the mom didn't bring our two back when she said she would, called the girls and difficult child said that the girls mom couldn't bring them home. (WHAT??) So husband went to the mall to get our two, and she was making out with this kid in the food court. Not typical teen stuff but way too much PDA. Even when she saw husband she had to latch on to the kid again for another kiss fest.

    In our state, she is too young to give consent for sex, I don't think it has happened yet, but is there anyway, besides locking a child in their room, that you can keep an inappropriate person away from your child? He already had a pregnancy scare with his previous 14YO girlfriend just 6 weeks ago. Sounds like her parents tried to press charges, but supposedly couldn't "prove" anything.

    Any advice please??? KSM
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It all depends on your state's laws. I know some states say that if there is more than either three or four years between them, the relationship is illegal (statutory) if they have sex. Up to actual intercourse though, parents usually cannot do much. In some states once a person is past a certain age, sometimes sixteen or seventeen, there is nothing preventing them from having a relationship with anyone of any age. I don't know if the law here in OK has changed in the last couple of decades, but I know for a long long time a girl of either fourteen or fifteen could get married with parental consent and a boy could get married with parental consent after age sixteen. I always thought that was twisted and wrong. I actually knew a girl who got preg on purpose by her 36 yo 'boyfriend' and she was enraged when they said they still would not give consent for the marriage.

    I would do a background check on him, one you pay a fee for so that you get more info. I would look for any criminal record, etc.... I am quite sorry she is making this choice and you don't like him. The more you let her know you don't like him, the more she will want him. One of my friend's in hs had parents who played htis perfectly. They invited her boyfriends to the house, her dad took some of them fishing, her mom would go shopping with them. For her, having her parents like the guy meant she lost interest FAST. The guys generally did not, but after the boys started coming to the house and not wanting to rush out because they were having a conversation or helping with a project wtih her dad or doing something for her mom (a very short woman, so often these boys helped her get things off shelves, hang pictures, etc...), it really angered her and she would break up wtih them.

    I always thought that was funny, esp because I knew her folks did it on purpose. But the more mom and dad approve, well, the more a difficult child or rebellious teen doesn't want anything to do with them. Not sure if you could manage this or not, but it is an idea. It is esp funny when the guy starts wanting to just watch tv in the same room wtih the parents rather than going out with the girl to someplace 'fun' (which often means expensive to a teen budget, of course).
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Check your state laws. Wisconsin, where I live, is very strict. If an 18 year old dates a sixteen year old and even kisses her he can get nabbed for statutory rape. I think it's ridiculous, but I looked it up because my fifteen year old was dating an eighteen year old (however, she had our permission because we trusted both of them...and nothing bad happened). Still, he could have gotten into big trouble if we'd wanted to stop it. This is even without intercourse.
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    Have you talked to HIS parents? Maybe they don't want him to be doing this either and can take away his car keys or something to restrict his access.
  5. You will have to check with your state regarding legal options but I like Susie's example. Invite the boy over and embrace him using stealthy ninja-mama skills. Parent patrol runs off the bad ones while difficult child's drop the ones willing to play by the rules like a hot potato.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    While each state has different age of consents, all state recognize a child under the age of 18 as being in the care and control of her parents. Tell the boy that he is not allowed near your daughter. If he comes near your daughter again, get a restraining order.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    It's crazy how the laws and wording are so varied, as are the punishments.

    What does Mass mean by criminal inducement to get a person under age18 of chaste life.......?

    Some have five years of separation but developmentally 16 and 20 are drastically different.

    And so many specify sexual intercourse or penetration or specifically vaginal intercourse. These must be brief main points? Surely a man of 18 can't legally penetrate a boy of 14 for example. Very scary stuff.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the link... here is what it says for our state:

    Aggravated indecent liberties with a child is sexual intercourse with a child between age 14 and 16.
    Unlawful voluntary sexual relations is sexual intercourse with a child age 14 to 16 when the offender is under age 19 and less than four year older

    So I am assuming if she is a willing participant then it is unlawful voluntary relations? I am trying to get my courage up to invite the kid over for supper... and will talk to husband... he is better at talking to people and being a good host than I would be. I'll give an update if it occurs. thanks for all the ideas. KSM
  9. paperplate

    paperplate New Member

    ugh, this stuff makes me nervous. I have 2 sons, 2 daughters and I always worry about this kind of stuff. I think you'd be better off talking to his parents. They may not realize the girl is only 14. And they may think you approve. I'd have a hard time labeling a kid a sex offender. I was a teen mom with my oldest (she's 20 now). I know they probably makes you feel WORSE! LOL Sorry, it's just, I dated my first boyfriend, starting at 14, he was a senior 18 and I was a Freshman. Anyway, when I was 16, I finally caved and 9 months later, my daughter was born. My parents probably could have pursued a case, but my mother knew we were both just infatuated teenagers and giving him a label would just have made his life miserable. Basically, he'd have been paying for that the rest of his life and teens, by nature, are impulsive. They only think with their emotions and ZERO logic. Today, my first boyfriend (DD20's dad), is now married with kids. He doesn't see daughter much, but he got his college degree etc.., bought a home and lives a happy. And I don't think he's a bad guy. We were just kids. I'm glad my mom didn't take us down to the police department. Mainly because even at that age, I was a WILLING participant. I knew exactly what I was doing. Maybe, just talking to the boys parents will help. Or explain it to the boy personally. But I agree with above poster. If you fight her on it too much, you can actually wind up pushing them together. On the other hand, if it's got nothing to do with age, but instead his character, I'd check into his background too!
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yes - sounds like "unlawful voluntary sexual relations" to me...

    My advice is not to trust your daughter anywhere unsupervised. Remember that she is a liar. Remember that she is a manipulator. Remember that she is boy-crazy. And act accordingly!
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Since he is 17, I doubt I could run a background check. The only "background check" I have been able to do so far is from the info from difficult child that she wasn't bright enough to keep to herself.

    1. Early Jan, his prev. girlfriend thought she was pregnant and so they got "engaged" (and of course difficult child thought that was so romantic!)
    2. From FB posts/chat I know that he says he was "stoned"
    3. Had an altercation at high school
    4. Got one week of out of school suspension
    5. Now has one week of alternative school (if difficult child is right about the time limit)
    6. Has to sucessfully complete that week at alternative before he is allowed to return to HS.
    7. in the past, stands across the street from the school in the morning so he can smoke.

    All the lovely qualities I had hoped for in a "first love". I am talking to the school counselor, I realize that they probably can't tell me anything about him... but I do want them to be aware that he is hanging out around the high school (while on suspension) to talk to difficult child over lunch break. Maybe difficult child is leaving the school grounds to meet him... I am not sure which. Maybe they can tell the officer at school to keep an eye out.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Each of us has to make our own choices and then cross our fingers, pray, etc. etc. that we choose the right option. I personally would make my first priority a trip to the gynecologist. Do call first and give them a "heads up" so time is spent on the various diseases that often result from sexual contact etc. etc. It's important to take your daughter there without conversations about boyfriend on the way. Keep a pleasant parental demeanor. It will get her attention for sure. Having a physician examine all your private parts certainly cuts down on the hormonal fantasies a bit!

    Calling the boys parents would not be a choice I'd make unless I actually knew them. GFGmom found her first boyfriend when she was almost sixteen. He was clean, handsome, polite and his Mom spoke well, was friendly (we met at track practice) and complimentary. Turned out her sons were allowed to do whatever they wanted to do so long as the bedroom door was closed. WTH! Parenting methods vary too much for me to trust unknown adults.

    What's "the right answer?" I've raised eight teens and I still don't know. The one thing I do know is that for us it worked best (NOT perfectly..sigh) to keep "the friends close to our family". We included friends for meals, movies, snacks...even outings. We left "the couples" alone with the doors open and one of us or the other kids obviously nearby. We did not allow the girls to go in guys cars. We stressed to "the couples" that our family was close knit and we all kept in touch regularly. I told the girls that I remembered how wonderful and exciting it was to have a boyfriend as a teen........and I also remembered clearly how easy it was to make a mistake or use poor judgement.
    Lastly I always added that kissing etc. in public was not acceptable as it could ruin reputations for years to come, it often caused embarrassment to others AND then added "picture how you would feel if Dad and I started making out in public!"

    Good luck. It's a bummer. been there done that. Survived...with scars, lol. DDD
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I got a call back from the counselor at school. I had left a message for him to call me back. Well, the guy is in the alternative school... and it is off campus... and he isn't allowed on school property until the suspension is over. It lasts til 2pm... so he won't be able to hang out on the lunch hour. He is going to have the teacher there remind him that he is not allowed on school property.

    difficult child has an appointment with the doctor in less than two weeks. We just changed physicians... they didn't want to see their pediatrician anymore as he is a "he" and they were embarassed to even have him check for swollen lymph nodes. LOL.

    I pick difficult child up from school each day - so hopefully that will cut back on any "free" time. We will talk to her about inviting him over later this week (Valentines Day?) for supper. Ground rules... no bedrooms (they are upstairs and out of sight) I am sure husband will be good at making him feel comfortable... maybe get out the Harley... let them know they can work on homework or play wii. or board games. Let him know how hard we fought to keep difficult child and her sister in our family from parents that used drugs... Maybe an amazing long and thoughtful grace over the meal...

    I noticed today that difficult child's bff posted "Truth is, your my best friend and i'm afraid of losing you to something stupid." So maybe some peer pressure will help too. And on a high note... difficult child didn't wear his huge sweatshirt for the 4th day in a row. But she does sleep with the sweatshirt because it smells like him and she doesn't want to wash it. (Gag me!)

    WIsh us luck... KSM
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go! Really there is only so much that can be done and it sounds like you and your husband are prepared to carefully walk the tightrope needed. I'm on your team. DDD
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I do wish you luck. I would think that many teens would find having the police involved would bring out the "Romeo and Juliet" in a relationship. not that they would kill thenselves, but it often makes them more determined.

    You have to be VERY careful when or if you threaten to use these laws. There are more than a few police departments who do not want to be bothered and will use discretion and do nothing other than talk to the kids. Sometimes it is policy because they feel they have more important things to do, and sometimes it is just some of the officers hwo don't want the bother. I am NOT saying they are not good cops, just that they have to make a lot of judgement calls and they don't always feel teen dating should be criminal because of age differences or they don't think it will do anything but drive the kids together so they don't want to push the kids.

    As far as states recognizing a person under 18 is under control of their parents? Not real or realistic. Many of us have had problems with our underage kids being able to refuse mental health care and/or being allowed to totally exclude parents from having any information on their mental health care. Many states allow teen girls to have abortions without parental consent, to have birth control with-o parental consent, and to block parents from ever seeing gyn records in spite of being under 18 and parents paying the bill. Same is true for std testing for guys in many areas. I believe that at one point Onyxx was interested in a man over 18 and Step learned that there was NOTHING she or husband could do about the relationship because their state didn't have laws that criminalized this, that in her state 16 was the age of consent, not 18. Of course if Onyxx had gotten pregnant, the child would have been the responsibility of Step and her husband, because Onyxx was underage, but even with being legally responsible financially, they could not make many decisions during the pregnancy or after hte child was born - those would be Onyxx's decisions and they just had to pay for them. I know other people who have been there done that in Step's state and they were FURIOUS that they had to take charge of some things but had no say in the decisions that caused those bills and responsibilities. One Gma I know ended up with a MAJOR CPS issue because she reported her teenmom daughter as putting vanilla extract in the baby's bottle at night because she would cry and the teen mom daughter didn't want to get up with the baby. This Gma had zero alcohol except for vanilla, and didn't even realize vanilla extract had alcohol. She objected to adding it to the bottle because it was not dr recommended and the baby wasn't six mos old yet, plus Gma realized the baby didn't act the same after a bottle with vanilla.. She asked the doctor about it, doctor hit the roof and called CPS. CPS didn't even CARE that no other alcohol was in the house, or that the teen did it over the Gma's objections, or that Gma took the baby to the doctor the day after she learned about it. It was the Gma's fault ONLY and they tried to get the prosecutor to bring serious charges against her. She got lucky. The prosecutor read the file, asked WTF?? of CPS, went into court and said to the judge that if cps wants to charge the teen mom, they would get total cooperation, but charging the Gma was totally wrong because she stopped it asap and didn't even know there was alcohol in vanilla until then.

    I am SURE that many examples of this craziness exists in many if not most states. while overall the states feel parents should be responsible for children until they are 18 or older (as in NY), they don't feel we should have input into some areas of their life, other than having to pay for their mistakes, be it from stealing, having a chld, mental illness, WE are in charge of those fines and heck, we cannot even force our kids to stay in school until they graduate. They can drop out without our consent in most states.

    Please talk to the chief of police BEFORE you threaten to call the cops. It would be devastating to ANY parental authority that you have if you called the cops and then had them show up and tell you that they wouldn't do anything, sorry, just not a problem they can/will deal with. Of course if a cop does tell you this, and you know the law is different, then you can go talk to an atty and go to the chief of police and say you want the law upheld and it is a law and not a choice for the officer to make. There are a lot of good officers who will sometimes say that something isn't the way a law is written, and they can either be saying this because they don't think it will help or because they were taught incorrectly on the issue/law. But you don't want that playing out in front of difficult child, not EVER.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You have also been given good advice by SS. It's important to find out what the reality of law enforcement is in "your" commnity before moving forward IF that become necessary. I was shocked (yeah, no exaggeration!) how my local law enforcement AND the local courts dealt with teens. It was flat our scarey. Hugs DDD
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I thought I would give an update about difficult child/boyfriend and what we are doing. He has been invited over for dinner tonight. difficult child was upset because he had told her he would like to take her out for dinner on Valentine's Day. Even if we were to let her go on a "real date" (which we would not do at age 14 and probably not 15 with the way she is acting) I don't think that statement actually meant he would have been able to take her out and also pay for a meal! Anyway, it sounds like he is coming over for supper. And while I am dreading it, I will put on my happy face.

    On another note, last night difficult child was awful. She was outside with little sis, and playing two square (little sis favorite thing to do) and I guess wasn't playing as well against little sis... so she said FU to little sis. husband was outside grilling hamburgers in the back yard and heard it. So he talked to her, I stayed out of it, and she stomped off to her room ranting and raving. No one was upstairs, but I could hear her. "Every thing in this house revolves around (little sis) she gets her way, she doesn't get in trouble, blah, blah, blah but I say one thing and blah, blah blah" Well, she quieted down before dinner and we started the meal and husband mentioned that he did not want to hear either one of them use those types of words. Then her excuse was "I had a bad day, and when I have a bad day, I can't help what I say. You should know that!" Next was "Everyone knows that teen girls get irritable around that time of the month, it's not my fault that I am irritable. It just happens to some girls each month and they say things like that". You get the lovely picture.

    husband gave her two options as a consequence of her behavior... lose iPod for 1 day or radio for 2 days... then she actually said "neither one of those things are an acceptable consequence" Geesh. We had already turned off wi-fi during supper so didn't turn it back on. I decided that maybe we would just take away both items overnight and she would start out fresh in the morning.

    On the way to school, after dropping off little sis, I tried to talk to her again. I tried to explain to her that when she is caught doing something wrong, the appropriate response is to acknowledge the behavior, apologize for the behavior, and then stop the behavior in the future, or that future consequences are much worse. She kind of got "irritated again" and said "I know I behaved like a butt last night and I apologized" I said, "when did you apologize?" She replies "just then... I said I behaved like a butt last night!" Oh, the difficult child-ness of it all. If we hadn't already invited this kid over I would have just forgot about the supper altogether!. Maybe I should have anyway.

    Will update later tonight or tomorrow how it all goes tonight... I should get an academy award for my acting tonight. KSM
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I swear people on this board could switch houses and would feel right at home with the comments, difficult child "logic", arguments, etc.
    It's a weird life we all lead.
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    yup... I know we don't have it as bad as some (knock on wood!) but still no fun. They get in a rut with their thinking and can't let go, turn around or even back up. Like a car with a bad transmission! KSM