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Is there a time we can and should say good-bye to our past?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664252" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Every day.</p><p></p><p>Honor yourself every day with an intention of strength and compassion and healing.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing more punishing than to be teased, than to be turned away and singled out and ridiculed. That kind of punishment can bring adults to their knees. <em>(Think brainwashed soldiers; think prisoners of war. Think of the olden days, when they put people in stocks to humiliate them.) And you lived it, every minute of every day because shaming you somehow served your mother's illness. </em></p><p></p><p><em>She had no right to do that to you or to any little girl or little boy.</em></p><p></p><p>She is reprehensible.</p><p></p><p><em>She was a harmful mother. She should never have been allowed to raise the children she brought into the world.</em></p><p></p><p>Think of the broken-hearted lover who never forgets that first rejection. Think of what it feels like not to be one of the first people chosen for a baseball team. What it feels like to have no one send us a birthday card.</p><p></p><p>What it feels like to sleep alone.</p><p></p><p>That is the world you were made to grow up in.</p><p></p><p>You were just a little girl, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>A defenseless baby girl, perfect in every way...born into the lair of the Witch Mother. How scary for that baby! As you would grow, even the clothing you were made to wear had been designed to leave you singled out, rejected.</p><p></p><p>The Witch Mother saw to it the Child was never given the dolls she would have been able to love and find some measure of comfort in and create an imaginary world around.</p><p></p><p>She even told you terrible stories about what happened when you were an infant too young to remember. Though she was your mother Serenity, this woman did everything in her power to destroy everything you are and she never, ever stopped; she even reached out from the grave.</p><p></p><p>Why did she do it?</p><p></p><p>You will have to create enormous amounts of love to heal those wounds.</p><p></p><p>Do you have a talisman for your mother?</p><p></p><p>I have one, for mine. </p><p></p><p>Reclaim your power, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>Do you have pictures of yourself as a baby, as a little girl, as you grew? There was a time when it was so hard for me not to hate images of myself. Because this was so, those pictures were incredible tools for learning to cherish myself, for learning to love that little girl that I was, whose world revolved around hatred and rejection and betrayal.</p><p></p><p>I can't imagine how any of us survived it. It is no wonder we assume that what we feel for and from our sibs is hatred. It was the only emotion encouraged or allowed in the households we grew up in.</p><p></p><p>How sad, for all of us.</p><p></p><p>You will decide for yourself what is best for your own healing Serenity. We will be here for you as long as you want or need us. That is what each of us needs, to heal: right witness.</p><p></p><p>We have each accomplished amazing things with one another as witness.</p><p></p><p>You will come through this time stronger, more certain.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Your mom was so wrong, to have harmed you as she has. Just think. There were adoptive mothers whose hearts were aching for a perfect little girl to love, the whole time your birth mother was hurting you into submission to whatever crazy dream she was living through her own children. Though each of our stories are different, at the heart of it, there is a selfish, self-centered mother fueling her own sense of aggrandizement with the destruction of her own children.</p><p></p><p>It boggles the mind.</p><p></p><p>We will come through it.</p><p></p><p>The following is from some internet site on estrangement:</p><p></p><p>Characteristics of estrangement include a lack of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy" target="_blank">empathy</a> in one or more of the parties involved. This may result in heightened levels of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stress_%28psychological%29" target="_blank">stress</a> in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed.</p><p></p><p>{{{Which you do, Serenity. No more active abuse for you; no portion of fresh pain daily as a sister or a brother dig into those wounds mother left, and where you are seeding strength now, instead.}}}}</p><p></p><p>Estrangements may involve a third party, such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. The third party provides emotional support to the party initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternate <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_support" target="_blank">social support</a> system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement.</p><p></p><p>The rejected parties may try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form.</p><p></p><p>{{{So, there is the answer, Serenity. A personality disorder; a pattern of behavior over time indicative of the choice to filter the potential for love between sisters or brothers or mothers through that same filter of hatred we all grew up with, instead. Why would we ever continue to welcome these haters into the beautiful lives we've created? We refute hatred; we declare it null and void. It has no power over us now <em>because we say so.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Our of our lives it goes.}}}}}</p><p></p><p>In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage)</p><p></p><p>{{{This is what you tried to do with your sister.}}}}</p><p></p><p>with the person they see as their abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-2" target="_blank">[2]</a></p><p></p><p>{{{And this is what you are choosing, now.}}}</p><p></p><p>***************************</p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><strong>Health implications</strong></span></p><p>Those rejected by one or more family members in a family estrangement experience a decline in psychological and physical health.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-3" target="_blank">[3]</a><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-4" target="_blank">[4]</a> The <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_rejection" target="_blank">social rejection</a> in family estrangement is the equivalent of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostracism" target="_blank">ostracism</a> which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem" target="_blank">self-esteem</a>, and the need to have a sense of a meaningful existence.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-5" target="_blank">[5]</a> The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness" target="_blank">loneliness</a>, low self-esteem, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggression" target="_blank">aggression</a>, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29" target="_blank">depression</a>.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-6" target="_blank">[6]</a></p><p></p><p>Family estrangement activates the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief" target="_blank">grief</a> response. However, the rejected family may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma" target="_blank">stigma</a> of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-7" target="_blank">[7]</a><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-8" target="_blank">[8]</a></p><p></p><p>So much suffering, and for what?</p><p></p><p>Out they go.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664252, member: 17461"] Every day. Honor yourself every day with an intention of strength and compassion and healing. There is nothing more punishing than to be teased, than to be turned away and singled out and ridiculed. That kind of punishment can bring adults to their knees. [I](Think brainwashed soldiers; think prisoners of war. Think of the olden days, when they put people in stocks to humiliate them.) And you lived it, every minute of every day because shaming you somehow served your mother's illness. [/I] [I]She had no right to do that to you or to any little girl or little boy.[/I] She is reprehensible. [I]She was a harmful mother. She should never have been allowed to raise the children she brought into the world.[/I] Think of the broken-hearted lover who never forgets that first rejection. Think of what it feels like not to be one of the first people chosen for a baseball team. What it feels like to have no one send us a birthday card. What it feels like to sleep alone. That is the world you were made to grow up in. You were just a little girl, Serenity. A defenseless baby girl, perfect in every way...born into the lair of the Witch Mother. How scary for that baby! As you would grow, even the clothing you were made to wear had been designed to leave you singled out, rejected. The Witch Mother saw to it the Child was never given the dolls she would have been able to love and find some measure of comfort in and create an imaginary world around. She even told you terrible stories about what happened when you were an infant too young to remember. Though she was your mother Serenity, this woman did everything in her power to destroy everything you are and she never, ever stopped; she even reached out from the grave. Why did she do it? You will have to create enormous amounts of love to heal those wounds. Do you have a talisman for your mother? I have one, for mine. Reclaim your power, Serenity. Do you have pictures of yourself as a baby, as a little girl, as you grew? There was a time when it was so hard for me not to hate images of myself. Because this was so, those pictures were incredible tools for learning to cherish myself, for learning to love that little girl that I was, whose world revolved around hatred and rejection and betrayal. I can't imagine how any of us survived it. It is no wonder we assume that what we feel for and from our sibs is hatred. It was the only emotion encouraged or allowed in the households we grew up in. How sad, for all of us. You will decide for yourself what is best for your own healing Serenity. We will be here for you as long as you want or need us. That is what each of us needs, to heal: right witness. We have each accomplished amazing things with one another as witness. You will come through this time stronger, more certain. *** Your mom was so wrong, to have harmed you as she has. Just think. There were adoptive mothers whose hearts were aching for a perfect little girl to love, the whole time your birth mother was hurting you into submission to whatever crazy dream she was living through her own children. Though each of our stories are different, at the heart of it, there is a selfish, self-centered mother fueling her own sense of aggrandizement with the destruction of her own children. It boggles the mind. We will come through it. The following is from some internet site on estrangement: Characteristics of estrangement include a lack of [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy']empathy[/URL] in one or more of the parties involved. This may result in heightened levels of [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stress_%28psychological%29']stress[/URL] in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed. {{{Which you do, Serenity. No more active abuse for you; no portion of fresh pain daily as a sister or a brother dig into those wounds mother left, and where you are seeding strength now, instead.}}}} Estrangements may involve a third party, such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. The third party provides emotional support to the party initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternate [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_support']social support[/URL] system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. The rejected parties may try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form. {{{So, there is the answer, Serenity. A personality disorder; a pattern of behavior over time indicative of the choice to filter the potential for love between sisters or brothers or mothers through that same filter of hatred we all grew up with, instead. Why would we ever continue to welcome these haters into the beautiful lives we've created? We refute hatred; we declare it null and void. It has no power over us now [I]because we say so. [/I] Our of our lives it goes.}}}}} In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) {{{This is what you tried to do with your sister.}}}} with the person they see as their abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.[URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-2'][2][/URL] {{{And this is what you are choosing, now.}}} *************************** [SIZE=4][B]Health implications[/B][/SIZE] Those rejected by one or more family members in a family estrangement experience a decline in psychological and physical health.[URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-3'][3][/URL][URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-4'][4][/URL] The [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_rejection']social rejection[/URL] in family estrangement is the equivalent of [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostracism']ostracism[/URL] which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem']self-esteem[/URL], and the need to have a sense of a meaningful existence.[URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-5'][5][/URL] The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness']loneliness[/URL], low self-esteem, [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aggression']aggression[/URL], and [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depression_%28mood%29']depression[/URL].[URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-6'][6][/URL] Family estrangement activates the [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief']grief[/URL] response. However, the rejected family may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_stigma']stigma[/URL] of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party.[URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-7'][7][/URL][URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_estrangement#cite_note-8'][8][/URL] So much suffering, and for what? Out they go. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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