Is There Something Good About My Life?

[toreapartwomanoftwo]

Here is my story:

We moved to this area about 6 months ago, it is a small town with top rated schools, my 16 year old difficult child was devastated, he got very depressed for a while, but soon he started making friends. Well... about a few days before spring break, he started going out too much and I did not know where he was and he would mention some other friends that I didn't know, one day he admited to me that he was using marijuana WHAT?? and he promise that he will not do it again.

difficult child was acting very different, I notice right away he was not himself. He was skipping classes at school. I grounded him taking everything from his room even the door, but nothing work, he will leave anyways everytime he wanted and came back whenever he wanted. My husband (difficult child stepfather just would look from a corner). When my husband started getting involved difficult child hated him disrespecting him spat on him, throw a bucket of water on his bed; and finally husband couldn't handle it and moved out after almost 15 years of marriage leaving me alone to deal with the destructive behavior of difficult child.

One day my difficult child took my brand new car in the middle of the night and crashed it against a parked car. The next morning, the police came charging him with theft, driving without a license and hit and run. He was put in detention for one night. But that is not all, my difficult child has been very angry, he doesn't take no for an answer and if I don't let him get his way, he starts screaming and destroying everything on his path (we have a brand new house with holes on the walls and a woodfloor with holes, scratches and rips now). One day I had to call the police because he was braking everything, and my difficult child got arrested and he was kept in Juvenile hall for 3 days and was put in house arrest.

Well just yesterday difficult child found a scorpion in his room and we had to call husband to get it (difficult child hates husband) while difficult child and I were out husband came and look for the scorpion and took this out of the house but left the bed out of place. Well when difficult child saw his bed out of place started screaming at the top of his lungs and swering at my husband (husband was already gone) and destroying everything on his path, went to the bathrooms and broke the big mirrors that are over the sinks. This time I did not call the police, difficult child was warn that he will be in juvenile hall for a long time if he keeps breaking the law.

difficult child was ordered to drug testing and the results have been negative for more than a month now, then... why is he so violent? what's wrong with his mind? the psycology says that he is just missbehaving, that there is nothing wrong with him.

Is there something good about my life? I lost my husband, my child is wasting his life and he does not care about anything, he is failing all his classes he is very behind in credits, husband and I are stuck with 2 houses because of the real state market and the money is very tight. I sure don't want to exist, when is going to end this nightmare? Sorry about the long post

 

[Sara PA]

Is this the 13 year old in your sig line?

 

[everywoman]

I am so sorry your son's behaivor brought you here, but I am glad you found us. The weekends are rather slow, but others should respond this week.

It is hard to know what to do with a child who is out of control. You will get a lot of answers from a lot of people, but you will have to follow your gut instincts in the end.

Let's see---
1. He was using marijuana---now tests negative. Drug tests are easy to beat if your difficult child is a regular user his friends could have told him how.
2. He is angry and destructive. In my house these are the rules that will result in police intervention. You are not allowed to destroy my property or threaten anyone in the house in any manner or you will go to jail.
3. He is failing all subjects---next to going to school with him everyday there is really nothing you can do. You can't make him do the work. This is a battle I did not choose to fight. I let natural consequences take their toil.

Where is biodad? Is there a chance he can go there or to grandparents? It is a choice you may have to make to save the rest of your family.

 

[BusynMember]

Was he always difficult?
My layman's guess is that more drugs are going on than you know about. Kids don't just change overnight unless they have hit a sudden and severe mental illness or are using drugs. I'm not sure what to tell you. When my daughter started using drugs there was no stopping her until she chose to stop. Has he recently seen a Psychiatrist? I sure would take him to one. Wish I had better advice.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im sorry...if my kid was causing that much havoc he would be out of the house so fast his head would spin...oh yeah...he was. I would keep calling the cops on him for that sort of domestic terrorism. If he has been evaluated and they are not finding any mental illness then he is progressing into conduct disorder and this needs to be nipped in the bud now! Let the juvenile authorities teach him they mean business before he hits the adult system and they dont give much of a darn about him.

 

[GoingNorth]

in my humble opinion, you have to ask yourself if you would tolerate the same violent and disruptive behavior from a spouse or significant other.

Say it were your husband or partner behaving in the same way? Would you tolerate it? How would you deal with it?

This is domestic violence and you cannot continue to put up with it.

 

[Ephchap]

Tore,

First of all, welcome. As mentioned above, I'm sorry you had to find us as that means things are really falling apart. This is a very supportive group though and most on here have either been where you are or are still going through it.

I'm a little confused too. In your signature, you list a 13 year old difficult child, but it sounds like this son is older? He's not in your signature, so I'm not sure how old.

I too wonder if marijuana is the only drug, since you said he was never like this before. My son was never destructive or as disrespectful as he was while drugging - much harder drugs than we realized. That's how I found this site. I was researching what could possibly be wrong, as he fit every criteria for conduct disorder. He wasn't. What he was - was drugging - with crack cocaine.

Now, before you fall on the floor, I am certainly not even remotely suggesting that's what your son is doing. What I am suggesting is that there is definitely something going on, if his behavior changed that quickly.

Have you ever had him admitted for a psychiatric consult at an adolescent psychiatric hospital or substance abuse hospital?

I have more questions, but will wait until I know how old he is and what you have tried so far.

I do agree with above, however. You have to ask yourself what you would tolerate, as far as the anger, the destruction, etc. The destruction certainly sounds like it's escalating, which is what worries me.

I'm sending supportive hugs and again, welcome.

Deb

 

[toreapartwomanoftwo]

My son has been in house arrest for about a month and he will be taking out of this in June 4. All the drug tests that he has been having have been negative.
My guess is that there is something wrong with his mind, because he does not care about been in Juvenile hall, he does not care about anything, I keep asking the counselor to refer him to the psyquitrist but he does not want to do it, I have to find somebody else.
difficult child is now 16 but he was 13 years old when I found this place and he wasn't so evil like he is now, I sure don't like him at all and I resent him so much for causing so much damage to himself and mentally and financially to us.
Does somebody has some experience with boarding schools? this schools have been in my mind lately, I can't handle so much stress, I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you everybody for your support

 

[So Tired]

Tore Apart -- I have been worrying about you (and your younger child) since I read this post. I'm sorry to say that I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted you to know that I understand your frustration and resentment. Mine is now 18 and it is quite a relief to have gotten him through high school. Funny, before we used to hear all the time how he was moving out as soon as he turned 18 and now that he is, I haven't heard a peep about him leaving!

One thing that you have going for you is that you can still make sure he gets help -- once they are 18 you can't legally force them to. I hope you find someone who can help figure out what is going on with him. Also, you may want to see someone yourself. I found it very helpful to sort through my feelings. It was my little 1 hour present to myself once a week.

I hope you find some answers here, or at the very least some comfort. Please let us know how things are going.

 

[Andy]

Do your younger children feel safe when your 16 yr old son is home? I bet they are scared. I would suggest looking into why your 13 yr old doesn't leave the house (though you may already know?). Last Fall, my 11 yr old fell apart - he was refusing to leave home - just couldn't handle it. We got him the help he needed (diagnosed with deep anxiety and is on medications) and now he will go to school, ball practice etc.

My easy child was a brat who would take her anger off on difficult child from when she was 8 and he was 2. I didn't realize how bad/often that happened and am certain most if not all of difficult child's anxiety come from how easy child has treated him through the years. Your younger kids may be the target of your 16 yr old's anger in ways you are not aware.

 

[KTMom91]

Sounds like we are in similar households. Miss KT hates Hubby with a passion, and has since she became a teenager. Her behavior/attitude/conduct has been getting progressively worse. About two weeks ago, she went to live with my mother, I finally have some peace, and Miss KT is beginning to realize home wasn't quite as bad as she thought.

in my humble opinion, counseling for someone who doesn't want to be counseled is a waste of time and money. Is there another living situation you can find for him, even if it's not nearby? Maybe Juvenile Hall would be a wakeup call for him. I would also find out if your district has an "alternative" high school, get him enrolled, and then let school handle the school problems. It doesn't necessarily have to be drugs making him so angry. Something else may have happened that you know nothing about.

Feeling forced to choose between your husband and your child is so hard. I know. But Miss KT's behavior was not something I was willing to take any longer. You may be to that point yourself. Keep in touch with your hubby. He stood with you through behaviors that none of us should have to deal with, even though so many of us do every single day. Sending lots and lots of hugs and understanding. I've been there.

 

[amazeofgrace]

oh gosh, do you have any state services in place. Because if other SW/counselors see this behavior, they can help you get him placed in a residential facility. You also can tell the police you refuse to take difficult child and that you're afraid for your life and they will have to place him in a facility or theraputic foster home, sounds like you could use the break