Is there such a thing as 'Aspie-lite'?

susiestar

Roll With It
Just realizing the cause of her behaviors may mae it a lot easier on you to tolerate her. You won't be thinking that the behavors are aimed at you, so they won't cause such resentment.

The burping? I would have handed her some antacids or gas X and asked if she was feeling ill - all that burping and belching just MUST be a sign that she is unwell, and how can you help her to feel better? It is likely because she has some sort of post-nasal drip or something, or else some disturbance in the good bacteria in her gut. My mom takes acidophilus daily or else she can fart you a symphony - literally, not figuratively. The drip causes swallowing when you don't have anything to swallow, and this fills you with air.

That kind of burping would have me throwing up - not wanting to, actually doing it. So maybe you need to take your mp3 with you and listen to it in the car - you can say it helps with car sickness, which is a new problem for you, if you don't want to address the burping directly. Walmart sells their house brand of gas x softgels for really cheap, in the antacid aisle, and I would start carrying them and handing them to her under the guise of trying to make her more comfortable because all that gas must be uncomfortable and of course you know it is embarrassing for her to have to burp like that around others. Don't ASK if she is havng problems - make it a statement and here, these will help they are the solution because you don't want her physically or socially uncomfortable.

Sometimes the key to dealing with an aspie is just to act as if of course they don't want to do whatever, and it is a problem and they welcome your help. Act like it is a done deal, don't ask if she has cramps causing the burping, don't ask if she wants the gas medications (they will cause the gas to come out in a couple of big burps rather than constant ones), they are a substance that is not absorbed by the body and if she gets any taste from them it will be a mild mint taste that she burps up. Often just giving a solution as you state the problem gets a lot farther than asking questions or trying to discuss it. If she refuses, well, go to your mp3 player and listen to music or an audiobook. Or plead a headache and let H take her wherever.
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Oh Susie, you make me laugh, lol. I totally understand why my H is so against medications....his mother is also! She wouldn't take antacids, heavens no, there's all that aluminum! Lolololol, my H won't take anything but Tylenol. If he has heartburn, he mixes baking soda and water and guzzled it, then burps all night. And he will take prednisone if he gets poison ivy. Otherwise? Nada. Not even medications his Dr prescribes. And mommy dearest will only take her insulin.

This new realization has just been hilarious in so many ways, I cannot believe it. When we were apple picking, we had told mother in law that we 'wait up here for the wagon to come' and when we got 'up here' we all stopped but she marched on. I nodded to H signaling him (because I get tired making all the corrections) and he called out to her, lol. She looked so startled, it took everything for easy child not to crack up! Just little things like that. I don't think H's is as bad, but it's darn near close. Haha.

Thank God I go to work today!
 
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Suz

(the future) MRS. GERE
Jo.... does mother in law live alone? I find that the longer I live alone the more relaxed I am with burping whenever I dang well feel like it because the only beings at home who would care are my dogs and they don't care of course. So.. I have to be mindful to watch my behavior in polite company, if you get my drift. :rofl:

Suz
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Jo, you commented earlier in the thread about the way your mother in law looks at you making you think that she doesn't like you. I want to share a couple of experiences from my life that might be helpful in understanding this.

When I was in univ. a very close friend of mine mentioned that the other girls in our circle thought that I hated them, and they were nervous around me. I was confused because I liked them all very much and found their company enjoyable. My friend T told me that it's because I was always staring at them with no expression on my face. All through childhood I was told that I had to look people in the eye, so I did. And I usually have to concentrate very hard when in a group so that I don't miss social and non-verbal cues. Apparently my "deep thought" facial expression combined with staring made people think I didn't like them.

husband has a code to let me know when I'm doing this. He says, "Darling, you're looking at me." Or he tells me when I'm doing it to someone else. VERY helpful, because I'm not aware that I'm doing it.

It's one of those cases of trying to mimic regular-people gestures, but not being particularly good at it. It falls under the designation of "inappropriate eye contact" and "inappropriate affect" rather than "no" and "flat" respectively.

I wonder if your mother in law has a similar issue. She's setting her face the wrong way so that she's conveying something other than what she means...

Trinity
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Jo, you commented earlier in the thread about the way your mother in law looks at you making you think that she doesn't like you. I want to share a couple of experiences from my life that might be helpful in understanding this.

When I was in univ. a very close friend of mine mentioned that the other girls in our circle thought that I hated them, and they were nervous around me. I was confused because I liked them all very much and found their company enjoyable. My friend T told me that it's because I was always staring at them with no expression on my face. All through childhood I was told that I had to look people in the eye, so I did. And I usually have to concentrate very hard when in a group so that I don't miss social and non-verbal cues. Apparently my "deep thought" facial expression combined with staring made people think I didn't like them.

It's one of those cases of trying to mimic regular-people gestures, but not being particularly good at it. It falls under the designation of "inappropriate eye contact" and "inappropriate affect" rather than "no" and "flat" respectively. I wonder if your mother in law has a similar issue. She's setting her face the wrong way so that she's conveying something other than what she means...Trinity

Trinity - that is EXACTLY it. Add to that her unusual tone (sounds demanding or like an announcement) and she has an odd way of speaking - as if she's reading from an old Jane Austin novel. I know everyone has their own ways, and I don't want to pick on her every little thing, but for YEARS (we're talking *20* years) I've been uncomfortable around this woman and felt as if she went out of her way to hurt me or make me feel unwelcome. And it is only in recent weeks that I've really looked closely at her behavior and my own (always second to looking at someone else's behavior - why is that? lol) and I've discovered that she really does have many Aspie traits (along with H as a close second).

I cannot tell you all how big a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The next battle will be when H tells her it's okay to move in with us, which he basically did the other night without consulting with me. By the time she stopped talking that night and I was able to go to bed, H was sound asleep and we haven't had a moment alone to discuss this. She off-handedly said, "When you're finished with this here addition project you have going, I can rent a room from you!" giggle giggle, to which H responded, "Sure!" and laughed. I do NOT think he knew she may have been serious! And if he did, I'm going to have to kill him and hide the body. One symptom they share is a lack of comprehension when it comes to sarcasm and joking around. I VERY often have to tell H, "I'm joking, Hon".
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Jo, with the Jane Austen speech you could be describing me. I used to pretend that it was because I majored in English lit, but no...it's just pedantic.

One of the nice things about dealing with an Aspie is that you can be pretty direct without having to worry about hurt feelings. I for one appreciate the feedback when I've said or done something socially wrong. ("No Trinity. When people say, 'Drop by any time', they don't mean Just-Show-Up-At-Their-House-Unannounced. They mean phone first, but you don't need formal plans.")

I wouldn't be surprised if your mother in law - and your H - appreciate the same type of directness. Tell your H, "Your mum can't move in with us." He WILL ask you "Why". Be prepared to give him an an answer that you're also prepared for her to hear, because that nuance of "this is meant for you, but don't tell so-and-so" is often completely lost. So "Because we need the space for the home-business" or "difficult child and her boyfriend are going to move in there" or whatever it is. But not "Because she drives me bananas".
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
One of the nice things about dealing with an Aspie is that you can be pretty direct without having to worry about hurt feelings. I for one appreciate the feedback when I've said or done something socially wrong. I wouldn't be surprised if your mother in law - and your H - appreciate the same type of directness. Tell your H, "Your mum can't move in with us." He WILL ask you "Why". Be prepared to give him an an answer that you're also prepared for her to hear, because that nuance of "this is meant for you, but don't tell so-and-so" is often completely lost. So "Because we need the space for the home-business" or "difficult child and her boyfriend are going to move in there" or whatever it is. But not "Because she drives me bananas".


Haha, you are making my day, Trinity! Thank you!

So, can I say, "I have several reason: The first is that we are just about child free and I'd like some years alone with just the two of us. Second, We don't know for certain if one of our children will need to move back home temporarily and I'd like to keep the space available. And lastly, I think your mom values her independence as much as we do so I wouldn't mind helping her set up a space at an adult living community nearby so we can keep an eye on her, but I do not think any of us would be able to share the same space." Would that be suitable?? I hear what you're saying about H repeating my very words - he does that and then explains that he can can't think fast on his feet.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
That would be perfect. If I was on the receiving end of that it would make total sense to me. AND, even better, it would give me a script to follow when I had to have the conversation again later.
If you give your H the words to say, then your message will be much more likely to get across accurately.

And those are all good reasons. True, not hurtful and reasonable. I think you have a winner!

Trinity
 
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