It happened and I'm devistated

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by NervousNelly, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    Some of you may or may not recall my 1st post about my 30 yo difficult child that is addicted to meth and has bipolar disorder. Many of you suggested that she may need to leave the house to get the treatment she really needs (i.e., hit bottom). Well, this weekend it happened.

    She has been gone for almost two weeks, but keeping in contact daily via phone. During the time she's been gone, husband and I have discovered that 1) our credit cards were stolen while we went on vacation (we left most of them at home); 2) there is power equipment missing from our garage (to which difficult child had the only other key; 3) she stole $600 from us which I found out yesterday. The stealing of the $600 was the final straw and I told her not to come home. That she either had to go to treatment or find another place to live. She is working on her decision.

    I know many of you know how I feel right now and to say I'm not thinking clearly is an understatement. My heart has been torn in half and my soul has a hole punched in it. But I need to take some action and need some suggestions/advice.

    So my question has to do with finding decent treatment programs. We live in Southern California. I have heard it's best to find someplace away from where you live so they are taken out of their comfortable environment where all their dealers, "friends", etc are. Can anyone give me some guidance on how to find a program for her? Should I look out of state? Will she benefit from a local program? I will have to find someplace that either offers scholarships or no/low cost. She does not work and has no insurance and husband and I simply don't have the money. I really don't know what first step I need to take. If she decides to go to treatment, I want to be ready with some places she can look into.

    Any advice/suggestions? I'm so lost right now...
  2. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish I had good news for you, but I don't know much about dealing with meth in the family. I do know that from dealing with others though that the only way she's going to get off meth for good is to get away from her safety net permanently and at least 1 year of inpatient intensive treatment. Meth is so addictive that short term treatment doesn't cut it.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry that it came to this. I don't know much about drug treatment centers, I would suggest contacting some local drug abuse hotlines or county mental health/drug abuse centers for advice. Have you considered pressing charges for the thefts? That may also be an avenue for treatment (perhaps the court could order her into treatment in lieu of jail? Not sure if there's funding for that) There are others with more experience in this specific area that can advise you. I just know that I for one feel pretty strongly about consequences for theft ... so I'd think hard about that if I were you. I realize it's not an easy decision to press charges against your own child, but sometimes it can be a catalyst for change.

    I do want to caution you not to let her back in the house, period, on a simple promise for treatment. Do not allow her back in until she has *completed* treatment and has a plan to remain sober (i.e., involved in NA or another addict support program).

    Hang in there.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) I remember how hard this was and still is. You have just taken a step to helping your daughter. Please be prepared, also, for her not to accept that help.

    I Googled and called many, many places. We have insurance and she is still on ours, so it was a little easier. But there are programs funded by churches, etc. You really have to search for them.

    I do know that Massachusetts has several free programs. My brother took advantage and has been clean for several years now. There must be a lot in California, too. I think a couple of our members are there and mentioned it was a great place to seek help.

    I also contacted the tv show, Intervention. They were VERY interested in my difficult child. At the time, I thought my difficult child had taken off to California so I told them we would have to revisit when she returned. But, my husband does not want anything to do with broadcasting our problems on tv, though, and we opted to pay for rehab if she decided to take it.

    It is up to you whether you want to file a police report on what she stole from you. My difficult child never stole cash, credit cards, or anything like that. She stole from us, but it would be silly little items that you wouldn't normally care about.

    The most important thing for you to do right now is remain strong. Do NOT falter because your heart is breaking. I know all too well how easy it would be to do, but it would end up doing more damage to her in the end. Life has to get uncomfortable for her. Very uncomfortable. And you need to be prepared that while you and I would be ready, it may take much more for her. My difficult child still isn't ready. Still hasn't hit bottom and it has been over six months. She has gone through a cold winter and a hot summer - has to call people all night every night to find a place to sleep and yet, still not uncomfortable enough. Blows my mind!!!

    Seek an Alanon group - it will be a source of great strength for you right now.......and keep coming here for support!! We are here for you!!
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think it is time to at least consider pressing charges against her for the thefts against you. Then a court could force her into a rehab or she would do some time in jail which is the natural and logical consequence for her actions. Not sure what state you live in, but if it is like mine and she goes to steal from someone else to support her habit she may get shot at - and the homeowner would face NO charges/consequences except a few "attaboys" for protecting his/her home and property. Stealing is an incredibly dangerous thing and most addicts do it often. So getting consequences for it is important, esp if you can keep them from including bullets.

    She is 30 and is thinking about rehab because she is sure you do not mean it and as soon as she has been gone a couple of weeks and then spins a sob story that you will again take her back.

    PLEASE get yourself into narc anon and/or alanon and in to see a therapist to work on this. Drop any therapy that tries to tell you that you should take her back into your home or pay for a room or home for her. She is WAY too old to be supported by you. If she hasn't been to rehab and is willing to go, I could see paying for oNE trip to rehab but not more. Chances are high she won't stay at rehab the whole time and will relapse as soon as she gets out - andyou have to let her do that on her own, with-o you paying for her living expenses. Otherwise it is just easier to keep using than it is to go through withdrawal and face the mess she has created in her life.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you can find a rehab very fast fine, but if not, then I would file charges immediately because that is the only thing that has changed my son for the better. He would have never stopped his downward spiral and I cannot imagine anyone stopping a meth habit simply because a parent said pretty please.
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Unfortunately I agree with pressing charges - with meth - this may be the only way she will really try to get clean - even if it is jail time. Meth is so highly, highly addictive, that sometimes the person needs a 2x4 between the eyes before they will stop.

    I know your mom soul is splitting in half. I am so sorry. Rise beyond that, and find that tough spot within you, get angry, and indignant and do the right thing.

    Many hugs.
  8. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    I can't even get past the crying stage. How in the world can I get to the point of filing charges? I considered it yesterday, but I have no proof on anything but the checks. It was such a small amount (under 1000), she would only be put on probation. That wouldn't do her any good.

    I don't really want to have her arrested. I honestly don't think that's not what she needs right now. She needs direction and guidance on getting better and learning how to take care of her life. I want her to have an opportunity to get clean. She has never had that opportunity. I know, you are all probably saying "uh're so naive!" but she at least deserves a chance.

    I went to my first alanon meeting last week. I can't say I liked or disliked it; it just was. I have heard so much good about it, I'm hoping it helps me to be stronger. I will keep going.

    If she doesn't want to get help, that's her choice. I've made it clear she can't come home in that case.

    I've never felt so much pain in my life.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I understand - completely. The pain our kids put us through is unlike anything else in life. Like you said it rips your soul in half. It is horrible!!!

    You know your quote is the perfect quote for today - sometimes courage is saying I will try again tomorrow. Today may not be the day to make this decision - but you will find the right path.

    The best gift you can give your daughter is a huge wake up call - because on meth - nothing is going to wake her up except an intervention. She is numbed out, spaced out, and void of feelings - until something or someone steps in and stops the cycle.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS))) I know how sad you are, it's beyond devstating. Noboy needs jail, but for some of these kids it is a huge wake up call for them. They learn their fate if they don't stop. In jail she'll be sober. It may be her rock bottom.

    ou're doing good, you are....many gentle hugs.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that she betrayed you like that. The honest truth about treatment centers is that your daughter doesn't want to go to one and it won't work if she won't work the program. If she doesn't want to go, she won't work the program, so it won't work. It's a hard reality, but it is true. At 30 years old she is a woman making her own choices, and they are bad ones. You are a woman making your own choice to not allow her to fund her drug habit by stealing from you. It's a good decision. {{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry but I have to be a bit blunt here. Your daughter isnt a young adult, she is a fully grown woman. She didnt steal petty change from the cookie jar, she committed the crime of forgery and uttering. Both are felonies. I dont know whether she stole that amount of money in one check or 10 but for each check she wrote, thats a separate charge. You are doing her absolutely no favors by cutting her slack on this. You say she just needs more guidance? Well hasnt she had the last 30 years to get that? Its long past your time to be doing this. I know it is difficult. I have had to do it. I will never tell someone to do something I havent done myself but I have signed those warrants to have my son sent to jail and it did change him for the better.

    Fact is, I was doing just this 4 years ago right now. Its been a long 4 years but my son is a whole lot better now. Not perfect by any means. But he sure doesnt steal.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how painful this is. The day we kicked difficult child out of the house was the worst day of my life. I had a pit in my stomach and panic in my heart. I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks and it got worse as I read her facebook and watched her go downhill right before my eyes. And yet I knew there was no other choice. If she was ever going to get help it would have to be becvause she lost everything. I knew it could backfire but I also knew she just couldn't stay here anymore. I had to prepare myself for her to never come back, never get help, and to possibly die. It was torture. It ripped my heart out.

    I can't tell you whether to file charges. You have to go with your gut. But I do think you made the right decision to tell her toleave or get treatment. It is important to stick to that. We always told our difficult child that we would support her if she got help but that we would not help her kill herself by continuing to use.

    There are treatment centers that will take you if you are indigent. Youare not trsponsible for payig her her treatment. She is an adult. My guess is that no out of state program will take her without direct pay or insurance so she may be left with choices closer to home. Call every place you can find in the phone book or web and start asking questions. Call all the hospitals who have inpatient detox programs. We ended up having to pay out of pocket for two months in a teatment center. It was a great deal of money and she relapsed within two months, but that did lead to a sober house where the rent was only $400 a month and the program is excellent. Hopefully you can find some alternatives for her. But if she doesn't want help no one can force her.

    My heart goes out to you. I know how horrible this is. The goal is to get her help and it may get worse before it gets better.

  14. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    Janet..I understand completely what you are saying. You could very well be right. Idont know if its the right thing for us or not but for this moment in time its not something I can do. I'm not sure its right. I'm not sure its wrong. If it were anyone other than my daughter damn straight I would be pressing charges. But the fact is she is my daughter. You know how difficult the decision is. Didn't you agonize over it for your son? Time will tell what will happen here. Its not over yet. Thankyou for your honesty.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I speak as a mom whose daughter used almost everything, including meth, and quit! And she quit at 19 (used from 12-19).
    She had the police called on her many times and was finally kicked out at eighteen. She was lucky she had a brother to live with, but he is as straight as an arrow and she knew it was her last chance not to be homeless so she straightened up her act without rehab...without any help at all (although we would have given it to her). She told me that her reason for quitting was "I saw my friend with track marks on her arm and thought 'That could be ME one day.'" I believe you should go tough on her. She's thirty...I have kids in their thirties. That is far from being a kid and I think that too much understanding gives them no motivation to quit...and quitting is HARD. No matter how much you put her into rehabs, if she isn't ready to quit, she will not quit. She will quit ONLY when she WANTS to, not beforehand. A stint in jail may force her hand, but living in comfort in your house with no consequences for stealing won't motivate her to do something that will be very hard for her to do.

    I turned my daughter in for using pot. She was sixteen. I didn't agonize over it at all. I know that enabling somebody who has a serious problem is the worst thing that you can do for them. I highly recommend going to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. I did a lot of crying at those meetings, but it also gave me the strength to do what I had to do to help her. She has agreed that being tough on her helped her get motivated to quit. Today she is 27, has her own house and is graduating from college (on her own dime) next semester. She has a straight boyfriend of eight years and live a quiet, peaceful life in the suburbs. It amazes me as I thought she'd either end up in jail or dead.

    I really hope it goes well for you and that you can find the strength to stop enabling her. To be frank, meth abuse can kill. (((Hugs)))...I know first hand how hard it is.
  16. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    All I want to do here is refer you to a post that's in our Watercooler forum about Laura's Law:

    "Laura’s Law allows California’s counties to create programs of intensive, court-ordered treatment in the community for individuals with mental illness who are, because of symptoms of their illness, least able to otherwise obtain timely intervention"
  17. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Hi Nellie,

    so the worst has pretty much happened that you were anticipating when you posted the first time around. There is money missing - not just the $50 or $100 small change, but considerably more. Your credit cards are gone [you did notify the companies and got them cancelled, right?]. She hawked off some power equipment for meth or owing her supplier. She may have sold your address, her housekey, the floor plan and your and your husbands daily work schedule, and god knows what other important information to the highest bidder [supplier]. She may have compromised your financial future [identity theft anyone?]. And she did take off hanging out with friends and using again.

    And you are worried about what? Having her arrested? Ruining her future with a felony charge? Not having provided her with the best you could and guidance to booth?

    Are you also worried about your personal safety? Have you changed all of your locks, deadbolts, alarm system codes, etc yet? Do you sleep well or are you worrying about waking up in the middle of the night with a shotgun held to your head? Are you scared to come home after work because you think someone might be in your house?
    Are you worried about upcoming credit charges to your cards? Have you contacted the issuers and reported them stolen?
    Are you worried about your financial future? Have you checked your checkbooks? Counted all the checks in the unused booklets? Found all of your ATM cards? Did you check your jewelry? Your safe deposit box? Did you change all passwords online - not just your banking ones - all of them???
    Are you worried yet about your credit rating and your retirement?

    Nellie - that train has long gone and Elvis has left the building. There is NOTHING you can do to help her, other than to let things run its course and maybe push it along a bit to speed it up. She is 30 and not 13. You have given her chance after chance after chance. Are you going to give her your retirement, your house, your life or your husbands life [or any sibs that may still be at home] too? Are you putting your marriage at risk with the stress she is giving you guys? Are you going to throw more good money after bad in trying to bail her out once more and trying to help her? You might as well set up a charge account with her preferred dealer, and have him invoice you every time she buys. You are NOT HELPING her at all right now!!!!

    Let her go down, get her charged and committed, go straight to jail, do not pay $200 [or however much bail will be] to get her back out. Leave her there. Do not pay for her attorney!
    Give her a chance to dry out a bit, and possibly get her into treatment via court order. Do not offer to pay for her treatment - she does not mean it right now! She needs to do this on her own, willingly and no matter how hard it is, you cannot do it for her. Save the money you think you want to spend on treatment and set it aside for the event that she actually does recover, stays dry and help her with a new start then - but not now. You have done your thing, and yet she preys on you and her family. Will you babysit and coddle her until she is 35? 40? 50? Are you going to give up your [hopefully comfortable future] retirement to support her habit? What happens when you and your husband finally pass on when she is in her 50 or 60ies? [Assuming the stress or worse her + her dealer won't help you along sooner?] who will take care of her then? Oh yeah = her inheritance? How long do you think a junkie can make that last?

    Wake up Nellie, take care of the rest of your family, and finally set her free to learn about making choices and the consequences that come with bad choices. What does your husband say???
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending a caring hug and supportive thoughts. I do think you should explore treatment options. If you use the internet you should come up with choices that are in your State but not in your hometown. While I agree that staying in the same environment makes it more difficult I don't think you need to go out of State....Ca is a big State and there are, I'm sure, options there. The advantage of seeking programs now is that you can give her a specific option. You may not come home unless you have addressed your addiction by attending a residential program. We have found one (or two) that can help you and it will. Let us know when you are ready.

    Most of us have found that programs don't work unless the addict truly wants to change their life. Some "reach bottom" fairly quickly and others never do. It's a heartwrenching problem. Sending hugs. DDD
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agonized many times over turning my son in. Mostly I agonized because I had given him so many chances for years. He had or has maybe I should say, slowly started the stealing from me from when he was young. The first time I think he was ten and he took a check out of checkbook and tried to write a check in crayon but obviously didnt know the correct way to write one out and he attempted to cash it at his school and they took it from him. I had a LONG discussion with him.

    Then I think he next took my debit card a few times. Denied denied denied. I actually caught him on tape at the atm machine! He wasnt even old enough to drive my car so he actually also stole my car! He stole a couple of checks but they were "only" for $20 and when I took him down to the bank I hoped that having them tell him what could happen if I signed that forgery affidavit would stop him. HA!

    So when I came home the end of July 2007 to find out that he had stolen 1200 from me, well, I had had it. He actually felt he was owed the money at the time because he took it over his birthday and it should have been his birthday present and I wasnt there to give him a nice birthday. Idjit.

    The really hard part was forcing the police to believe I wanted to go forward. I signed the affidavits at the bank and took them to the police and then I had to basically do all the work for them. If I hadnt forced their hands, I dont think they would have arrested him as fast as they did. I didnt want it to linger on for a long time. I wanted it done and over with. I did work with both the defense and the prosecution to get the best sentence he could. I didnt want him in jail. I wanted him to have to be brought up fast so he would realize his downward slide had to stop. He had house arrest, a 30 day active sentence and 14 months suspended sentence plus 3 years intensive probation. If he didnt cooperate with probation he could have his suspended sentence activated.

    Now this is what could happen to your daughter...if she was put on probation, they could mandate drug rehab so that if she didnt cooperate, her sentence would activate which would force her to cooperate.
  20. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I only want to add that if the al-anon meeting you attended didn't "click" for you, please consider visiting several different ones. Look for a Nar-Anon meeting (or meetings) as well. I personally had to visit 2 or 3 before I found one where I felt comfortable. Find one *tonight* if you can, and go more than once a week if you have enough of them in your area. Right now you need support more than anything. It's hard to make these kinds of decisions when you feel like you're falling apart, I know ... so I think the thing you need to do for the immediate future is to focus on YOU, and get some of your own strength built up so you can face the tough road ahead.