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It is not the fear of homelessness, it is the fear of coming home
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 672306" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>New Leaf,</p><p></p><p>How I know the feeling well, how the Difficult Child has shown up at home when we are gone or away at work, or the midnight in/ out visits. With my son, he is still able to come into the house (not for much longer). He comes in to shower, to eat what he could find, to get new clothes and food in his backpack. You learned from my post that his entrance to house will soon cease, but he will likely sneak back for something around the house. He has done this at his brother’s home, and now my daughter in law called him out on it and told him not to come onto their premises ever again or she will call the police. My practice at home is to always close and lock a hallway door when I am leaving the house, so access to the back section of the house down the hall is not accessible to my son or anyone else. Only the living room, kitchen and a pass through room are open to him, besides the room he has occupied.</p><p></p><p>I read your story you shared (thank you for that) on my first thread (<em>Losing Adult Child</em> in Sept 28-30) about your oldest daughter, and much of her behavior was similar to my son. (the sleeping all day and night, lies, no job, moodiness, when in our home…not caring about his actions, what affect it all had on us.)</p><p></p><p>I had not really thought drugs were the thing with my Difficult Child, mainly because I had never seen it. But I have wondered and suspected, confronted him on it, which he denied (of course). Now in your current post you just gave a description … of the dress code … <em>“dress code, hoody, backpack, baseball cap pulled low over the eyes, and sunglasses.”</em> (You could have seen my son, perhaps?) Sometimes he does look like this ... but then the next day he could be dressed and groomed quite handsomely.</p><p></p><p>How I know the feeling well, when the Difficult Child has shown up at home when we are gone or away at work, or the midnight in/ out visits. With my son, he is still able to come into the house (not for much longer). He comes in to shower, to eat what he could find, to get new clothes and food in his backpack. You learned from my post that his entrance to house will soon cease, but he will likely sneak back for something around the house. He has done this at his brother’s home, and now my daughter in law called him out on it and told him not to come onto their premises ever again or she will call the police. My practice at home is to always close and lock a hallway door when I am leaving the house, so access to the back section of the house down the hall is not accessible to my son or anyone else. Only the living room, kitchen and a pass through room are open to him, besides the room he has occupied.</p><p></p><p>I read your story you shared (thank you for that) on my first thread (Losing Adult Child in Sept 28-30) about your oldest daughter, and much of her behavior was similar to my son. (the sleeping all day and night, lies, no job, moodiness, when in our home…not caring about his actions, what affect it all had on us.)</p><p></p><p>I had not really thought drugs were a the thing with my Difficult Child, mainly because I had never seen it. But I have wondered and suspected, confronted him on it, which he denied (of course). Now in your current post you just gave a description … of the dress code … “dress code, hoody, backpack, baseball cap pulled low over the eyes, and sunglasses.” (You could have seen my son, perhaps?) Sometimes he does look like this ... but then the next day he could be dressed and groomed quite handsomely.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I have finally (very recently) accepted that he is on his own path, and I have stopped the endless worrying about him and how I can help. I cannot help, and now I finally know that! I feel a bond regarding your situation … in the land of Aloha … I know OHANA. It is very hard (almost unheard) to put someone out. But these DCs are making their own choice to leave (or in my case, son is being asked to leave) their FOO, for their own good and for ours.</p><p></p><p>I understand your fear also of daughter’s return when you are not home… coming home to take advantage, to steal, and who knows what else. I can relate to sensing a danger when you do not and cannot trust someone. We are led to think It is not supposed to happen like this with our own children. Last night I roused from sleep as I heard my son open the refrig at 2:30am. Before my recent efforts to detach, I would have been wondering “<em>what did he come back here for at that time of night? … What is he up to? Who is he with? Will he be safe? How does he get money</em>? ” But last night, I just thought “<em>same ole.. rinse / repeat</em>”. This morning -- signs in his room (a new water bottle and new pile of dirty clothes) that he had been here, and gone again. Hmm? For how long? All the wondering… but I was glad he was not at home. </p><p></p><p>Once I finish moving him out and change lock, the return to enter the house won’t be happening (hopefully.) Son will still have access to the yard (he can hop over or squeeze through the fence if the gate is locked). Some of his things may still be left outside, and then there is the hose for showering (as you noted) if it comes to that. I have no answers except to take one day at a time, as I am working through similar situations and testing strategies with all the encouragement from PE.</p><p></p><p>I hold you in thoughts, New Leaf. Breathe. There's a sign I saw one day in town on the bus to work. I was asking for a sign to help me survive my worries about my Difficult Child, and I was literally given this street sign when I looked out the bus window. (It’s no longer on the street.) I couldn’t figure out if and how I could upload the picture to this thread, so I will try to figure out to send you the picture of the street sign by private message.</p><p></p><p>HUGS > to you New Leaf. Every day is a new day (<em>Ka la hou</em>)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 672306, member: 19617"] New Leaf, How I know the feeling well, how the Difficult Child has shown up at home when we are gone or away at work, or the midnight in/ out visits. With my son, he is still able to come into the house (not for much longer). He comes in to shower, to eat what he could find, to get new clothes and food in his backpack. You learned from my post that his entrance to house will soon cease, but he will likely sneak back for something around the house. He has done this at his brother’s home, and now my daughter in law called him out on it and told him not to come onto their premises ever again or she will call the police. My practice at home is to always close and lock a hallway door when I am leaving the house, so access to the back section of the house down the hall is not accessible to my son or anyone else. Only the living room, kitchen and a pass through room are open to him, besides the room he has occupied. I read your story you shared (thank you for that) on my first thread ([I]Losing Adult Child[/I] in Sept 28-30) about your oldest daughter, and much of her behavior was similar to my son. (the sleeping all day and night, lies, no job, moodiness, when in our home…not caring about his actions, what affect it all had on us.) I had not really thought drugs were the thing with my Difficult Child, mainly because I had never seen it. But I have wondered and suspected, confronted him on it, which he denied (of course). Now in your current post you just gave a description … of the dress code … [I]“dress code, hoody, backpack, baseball cap pulled low over the eyes, and sunglasses.”[/I] (You could have seen my son, perhaps?) Sometimes he does look like this ... but then the next day he could be dressed and groomed quite handsomely. How I know the feeling well, when the Difficult Child has shown up at home when we are gone or away at work, or the midnight in/ out visits. With my son, he is still able to come into the house (not for much longer). He comes in to shower, to eat what he could find, to get new clothes and food in his backpack. You learned from my post that his entrance to house will soon cease, but he will likely sneak back for something around the house. He has done this at his brother’s home, and now my daughter in law called him out on it and told him not to come onto their premises ever again or she will call the police. My practice at home is to always close and lock a hallway door when I am leaving the house, so access to the back section of the house down the hall is not accessible to my son or anyone else. Only the living room, kitchen and a pass through room are open to him, besides the room he has occupied. I read your story you shared (thank you for that) on my first thread (Losing Adult Child in Sept 28-30) about your oldest daughter, and much of her behavior was similar to my son. (the sleeping all day and night, lies, no job, moodiness, when in our home…not caring about his actions, what affect it all had on us.) I had not really thought drugs were a the thing with my Difficult Child, mainly because I had never seen it. But I have wondered and suspected, confronted him on it, which he denied (of course). Now in your current post you just gave a description … of the dress code … “dress code, hoody, backpack, baseball cap pulled low over the eyes, and sunglasses.” (You could have seen my son, perhaps?) Sometimes he does look like this ... but then the next day he could be dressed and groomed quite handsomely. Like you, I have finally (very recently) accepted that he is on his own path, and I have stopped the endless worrying about him and how I can help. I cannot help, and now I finally know that! I feel a bond regarding your situation … in the land of Aloha … I know OHANA. It is very hard (almost unheard) to put someone out. But these DCs are making their own choice to leave (or in my case, son is being asked to leave) their FOO, for their own good and for ours. I understand your fear also of daughter’s return when you are not home… coming home to take advantage, to steal, and who knows what else. I can relate to sensing a danger when you do not and cannot trust someone. We are led to think It is not supposed to happen like this with our own children. Last night I roused from sleep as I heard my son open the refrig at 2:30am. Before my recent efforts to detach, I would have been wondering “[I]what did he come back here for at that time of night? … What is he up to? Who is he with? Will he be safe? How does he get money[/I]? ” But last night, I just thought “[I]same ole.. rinse / repeat[/I]”. This morning -- signs in his room (a new water bottle and new pile of dirty clothes) that he had been here, and gone again. Hmm? For how long? All the wondering… but I was glad he was not at home. Once I finish moving him out and change lock, the return to enter the house won’t be happening (hopefully.) Son will still have access to the yard (he can hop over or squeeze through the fence if the gate is locked). Some of his things may still be left outside, and then there is the hose for showering (as you noted) if it comes to that. I have no answers except to take one day at a time, as I am working through similar situations and testing strategies with all the encouragement from PE. I hold you in thoughts, New Leaf. Breathe. There's a sign I saw one day in town on the bus to work. I was asking for a sign to help me survive my worries about my Difficult Child, and I was literally given this street sign when I looked out the bus window. (It’s no longer on the street.) I couldn’t figure out if and how I could upload the picture to this thread, so I will try to figure out to send you the picture of the street sign by private message. HUGS > to you New Leaf. Every day is a new day ([I]Ka la hou[/I]) [/QUOTE]
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It is not the fear of homelessness, it is the fear of coming home
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