It Is What it is

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I have been on a hiatus from CD, busy with holidays and sons graduation and all that comes with that.
    Tornado was picked up in September for driving without a license, that shows up several times on her past record, but I suppose since she was released her violations are catching up on her.
    Had no word for a few months, then calls started coming in. She was a bit more conciliatory, still prone to mood swings though.
    Letters came for her kids and me, Bible verses and promises that she would be better this time. She asked to be released to me, to which I replied with the usual, that she would need to go to rehab. She told me that she applied, but the rehabs are full and if she was let go from prison to the streets, she would end up right back in the same predicament. Hard lump to swallow. She asked if someone would go to court. I used up all my time off to visit Mom and her sisters could not as well. The day came and went with no word, except from the web service stating she was released. Two weeks ago.
    Last week her probation officer called looking for her, she missed check in. She was nice enough to stay on the phone a bit and listen to my venting. I asked why the court released her back to the street, to which she said Tornado gave my address, said she would be staying with us. She asked if I had her phone number. Huh. How would it be possible for her to have a phone, no job, no place to go? I told her some of our background, that it was impossible for her to live with me due to everything that had happened and would most likely happen again. She agreed that would not be good for anyone and understood my position.
    It still feels horrible. Truly horrible.
    She said that she would give her a few more days to check in. I said I wish she wouldn’t. It could be life or death for her.
    I told her that my daughter is an addict. She needs treatment. She replied that she needs to be ready.
    Yes, of course.
    It still feels horrible, this macabre dance between hope and reality, waiting for the next phone call.
    Tornado has been placed in a HOPE program, court on 2/1 to gauge her compliance. It is supposed to be more of an intense probation monitoring. I hope it works, I hope she wakes up.
    My son showed me a photo she posted, captioned
    “The :devilish: has me again.”
    It felt like a stab to my heart, and I thought of her three kids, who are privy to her postings, how they must feel.
    All of those promises.
    I guess she has a phone after all?
    Time will only tell what she decides to do with her life.
    I saw a silhouette of a long haired homeless woman, walking downtown in the dusk, carrying a few bags. I imagined it was her for a moment.
    I told my son how difficult it is to have two adult children on the streets. How heavy it can weigh on a mother’s soul.
    He said “I know Mom. If Tornado actually sounded like she wanted change, it would be different. She doesn’t even seem sorry for everything that she’s done.”
    As for Rain, she is out there, no word or contact. Her sister says she is too used to the streets. It’s her preference.
    Today, I am feeling a bit sad. It has helped to write it out. I will try to turn that around with prayer and gratitude for the time I was able to raise them. They are adults, and will do as they choose.
    It is what it is.
    I have missed you all. I hope the deep freeze has not affected anyone badly. We are having a cold front here in Hawaii, you all would laugh that when it gets below 70, we get out our jackets.
    Prayers for everyone for warmth and strength. What a tough road we are all walking.
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Oh, Leafy, I am so sorry for your pain. Sending hugs and prayers. It is agonizing to now know where they are or if they are OK.

    I am in the same situation with S right now. She has been missing for weeks. It will be -6 here tonight with wind chill down to -30. Like your Rain, she seems to have made a choice to live on the streets rather than attempt to get clean and live a stable life. I don't know what to do about it.

    I can feel your pain and frustration through the screen. I wish I could find answers for all of our lost children. And I wish I had words to take away your pain. I hope you are able to take care of yourself, and find some moments of joy with your other children and grands.
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  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm so sorry for both you, New Leaf and Elsi. It's supposed to get -11 here (-20 to -30 with the wind chill) and I'm worried to death about my feral cat. Thank God my daughter has a home and is stable at this moment. I know that can change as soon as I finish posting this. New Leaf- I can't tell you the number of times I've said, "It is what it is" in regard to my daughter. To me this is my ultimate expression of accepting the situation and realizing my place in it, which is usually as an observer. I can't control her, and I don't try. I also don't put blinders on about the situation. I control what I can, which is me and my reactions to the situations. I have to focus on myself and being as healthy and sane as possible, which is better or worse depending on the day. I'm also a huge advocate of being kind to myself and not causing undue stress on myself. When I start freaking out about things I stop and ask, "Is anyone going to die?" I would say that 99% of the time the answer is no, so I calm the f*ck down and do what feels right. I know both of you are terribly concerned about your missing kids. Please do something kind for yourself. Buy an adult coloring book and some nice gel pens, walk your dogs or if you don't have any go pet the dogs at the shelter. Take yourself to a movie. You are both obviously wonderful moms or you wouldn't be on here, so give yourself a present. Sending peace to both of you.
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  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    I too have been gone from CD for weeks. Needing a break from what is both a comfort and a source of sadness. But just want to say how sorry I am to those of you who are feeling especially sad today.
  5. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Nice to hear from you Leaf. Sorry its under such crappy conditions. Be strong and vent at us when you need to!
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your kind thoughts and encouraging words.
    It is agonizing Elsi, but I have to remind myself to put faith in God, knowing all is in His time, and Tornados and Rains. It’s hard to be patient at times when the void becomes overwhelming.

    Im so sorry Elsi, extreme weather conditions add on to the worry. I hope S has found some place warm to be. Prayers going up.

    I have to allow myself time to grieve and then go from there. I have found that to be an important piece in surviving this, recognizing and acknowledging those intense feelings, then letting go. I do find much joy with my well children and grands and am most thankful for that comfort.

    Observer is an appropriate way to frame my role. Thank you. It is a stoic truth and the fact of the matter is, I view myself as a trigger for my twos issues. That is how it has played out when they are near. Not that I am blaming myself, they are quick to switch focus to my inadequacy as a mother, rather than look inward. The hallmark of an addict. I realized after much reading, posting and from the wisdom of those who have traveled this road that I am not the one to fix my two. They have to want better for themselves.

    Hah! I love the rawness of this. I have to remind myself that the rabbit hole ever calls, feeds and thrives off of our stress and desperation. Stress is a killer. I will try to switch my focus from being sad and lurching into catastrophic thought process. Got to get back to what I can control, my self.

    Thank you Eliza, peace to you as well.
    Thank you Beta, thanks for checking in with support and love.
    Thank you Jabber. Hope all is well with you, Lil and your son.
    Tornado has court this Friday. I juggled with the idea of going, then leaned towards not going. What would it accomplish if I went? I really can’t afford to take off from work. Does that sound selfish?
    I am also protecting myself from the memory of hubs illness, I was in court for Rains testimony against her violent boyfriend, he was sick at home and waiting for me. Those hours counted, were critical to his treatment (retrospect) but he insisted I go.
    I don’t want to go back there.
    On the flip side, there is a nagging little voice telling me to go.
    Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. You are a lifeline.
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  7. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    No. We can’t continually drop everything else in our lives for their self-created crises. Do what feels right, and whatever you decide do it without guilt.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Elsi. You are right. I am realizing that I have let my daughters words effect me to a point that I feel I have to prove my love for her. It is rescue mode all over again. I definitely have to work to reset my emotions.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My Dear Leafy I too have been away from CD for some time. My heart is in your heart my hand is in your hand. The 1st is tomorrow. Hipebwith nocexpectstions is a near impossible tight rope to balance!

    I will write more later when I have time. Copa reqched out and made me miss all of my wonderful supportive friends here. I have to dash off to work. Will be back later.

    by the way -35C with the windchill and the snow has finally stopped after 2 days of Blizzard like snow fall. Record snow fall for the city. Pretty...unless you have to go out side ugh!!
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  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    LBL, we are so anticipating an update! Please please share!
  11. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    My thoughts and positive energy are with you New Leaf and Elsi. I am right there with you, my son was released from rehab a month ago, delivering pizza in an uninspected car with no heat that just bit the dust. It's frigid cold here in New Hampshire. What was said about trying to prove our love by rescuing rings so true to me, and it never works. It's an endless well, and I always end up being called heartless and at fault. Sadly, as soon as I let my son get a foot in the door - a shower, a ride - the requests become bigger and more. Often I am just filled with grief.

    I am coming to accept that my son makes poor decisions and has few real life skills, and I keep excusing it by saying his choices are out of desperation. I am trying to detach, but the FOG is always at my heels. I am reading an excellent book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. I am the one who needs to change. And I echo what others have said to be kind to ourselves.

    NL, if you want to go to court, go, but for me I knew that the only reason that my son wanted me there was to put on a show of support for the court. I finally told him that I will not be involved in any thing to do with the legal system with him. I always felt stressed and worse when I went, afraid the court would ask me something that I wasn't ready for, and it happened. My son also continues to lie and get released to my address even though I have told him no.
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  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Have thought about you often since you have been gone.

    I am sorry that your daughter has not yet changed. I know that you do not want to watch that movie ever again.

    You are doing the right thing but it is very hard. Your son sounds wonderful! Focus on the good in your life.

    I am so glad you have your faith. There are so many that do not and that is all we have to keep our strength when we are going through such heartache.

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  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I have also told my son i will not appear for anything court related. Then the DA supenoed me. Luckily he took a plea. I believe as well that court is stressful and I am terrified that i will say the wrong thing. I truly understand how you feel.

    For leafy and elsi my prayers that your dcs are safe and warm.
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  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I hear you Acacia, it can become a huge chasm if emotions. When I look at it, Tornado only contacts me from jail. Once she is out, it’s MIA. I have to remind myself that she will play those guilt cards and put her decisions on me, whether I allow her home.
    Me too, have to step out of the dance, which is hard with promises of change and bible verses. As Swot writes, it’s all word until actions prove otherwise.
    I have decided not to go. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I am not the only one struggling.
    See, that’s the thing I have been thinking about. She could have said she had no place to go. Would there have been services available? I don’t know. Or, would she have had to stay in jail? Why lie, if you know you will be on the streets?
    Thank you RN. It is very hard. I don’t think my two have a clue, or are capable of understanding how difficult it is.

    Yes, relying on a higher power is what helps me through the darkness of it, that’s for sure.

    Oh TNT, how troublesome that must have been on your heart and mind. The only thing I would be able to say to a judge is what I told the probation officer. Tornado needs rehab. But, she has to decide for herself.

    Thank you. My prayers go out to you and all the parents here who are walking this journey.
    Keep safe and warm dear friends.
    Thank you so very much for your kindness.
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  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Mine is doing the dance between the streets and jail on a regular basis. I have reached a place of calm on most days. We have had some cold weather (for south Texas). I hope he's in jail.

    You are a strong warrior Leafy. You will get through this.
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  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear New Leaf.

    It's always a great pleasure when you return. I share your sense of helplessness and pain with my child on the street. This quote here from Elsi seems to say it all:
    Unfortunately, where I fall down is I try to insert another outcome, fueled by my unwillingness or inability to accept my son's choices. This is my growing edge. So. By acknowledging this, I know now what my learning is.

    It seems that he wants to meet on Saturday, his suggestion, so it will likely be one more train trip to meet him. Whether or not he shows this time, I won't know.

    My choice continues to be to meet him 3/4 of the way. Literally and metaphorically. I no longer talk about conditions. How many times do they bear repeating? I decided that at least a thousand was enough.

    Acacia who above mentions the a book on parenting the narcissistic or borderline adult child, says she recognizes that SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO CHANGE. I am unclear whether my son has a personality disorder, but I think he has a developmental disorder.

    So I ask myself, what does that mean, for me? What should I change?

    To not insert an alternative, hoped for ending...into a sentence which is my son's to write.

    To stay in the present. To not have any expectations one way or another. To hear him out. To listen to myself. To make room for how I feel. And to be willing to give myself what I need, rather than leap into some action or commitment, without factoring in myself, based upon some should or want.

    I think that I will NOT make any decisions about anything until I come home.

    I am afraid to see my son. It is 6 months that he has been homeless. And I have not seen him in that time. That is the longest time without seeing him in all of our life together. I am afraid of how he will look.

    But I am leaping into the future here, which I promised not to do.

    It feels like what we are doing here, is embracing limbo.

    I hope all of you and your families remain safe.
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    Last edited: Jan 31, 2019
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    oh LBL, thank you so much for reminding me. Hope without expectations.

    Brrrrrr, I see pictures of the deep freeze, it is incredible. Stay warm and safe indoors!

    Pasa, you have been through so much. I am glad you have reached that place of calm. That is so integral to overall health.
    I wonder how many jail stints it will take for Tornado to wake up. It sounds like an awful place to be, according to her account, but at least when she is there, I know where she is.

    Copa, I have learned so much from you and appreciate your honesty and wisdom. I have been able to work through those awful feelings for the most part, the holidays always seem to bring out that yearning for change that I have no control over. It became this ache and void that laid me flat for awhile.

    This happens to me as well. I get close to the rabbit hole when my daughter starts talking about how things will be better when she gets out. It is the one thing that I pray for both of them. I don’t know if she is sincere at the time, or it’s just talk to get out of jail. Maybe a bit of both, but when set free, all of the temptation of using overpowers any notion of change.

    Copa, you are a saint. That is a long trip there and back. I hope he at least shows for the trouble you go to. The anxiety over how he will appear. How his health is. It is heart wrenching.

    One small step at a time. We all have our own journey to walk with this. I admire your tenacity.

    It is our kids story to write. The hardest part is to watch them derail time and again, to live so desperately. Why? Be it addiction, brain injury, mental challenges, it seems such a waste of breath and life. That’s my feeling, obviously not theirs.
    Its a good mantra Copa. Worth repeating.

    I think this is smart. Take time to think. It would be so easy to jump in to rescue mode.

    I feel and have felt the same. I have not seen my two in quite some time.

    There is not much choice in that. I don’t know how I will feel when my son graduates and moves out. My promise to him that I would not allow his sisters home is what has kept me from caving. That and the PTSD memories of the utter chaos that took over the house. Being afraid of what I may come home to after work.
    I know I can’t go back to that. It will kill me.
    So, for now, I will have to deal with limbo, and keep praying for my two.
    I hope that your Saturday meeting goes well, Copa. Prayers going up for peace of heart and mind.
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  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son very occasionally says things like, Mom, I'll turn this around. Just wait. And by the next time he's in touch, he's down, and things seem the same.

    He mentioned today he could not meet tomorrow because he's meeting with some counselor. Are these magic words, or the keys to the kingdom, or is he (finally, just a little bit) coming to grips with the need to do something. I'll accept it, even if it's instrumental. It's something.

    Because I am accepting that my son probably has some sort of processing disorder where he is unable to organize his actions into a sequence so that he can effectively plan. He did have a neuropsychological exam when he was an infant and I do remember there was an issue with sequencing thought.

    But there is help. People seek and accept help. That is my issue. Life is not just in the moment, and escaping from the moment. There is more. That is my issue.
    I begin to hyperventilate when I read this. THERE IS NO WAY ANY OF US CAN OR SHOULD LIVE LIKE THIS.

    Your two, New Leaf, do not meet you even 10 percent of the way. They impose their chaos and dysfunction and they victimize you. In this they are dangerous. It is their way or the highway. In your home.

    My situation is a little better in that there is the other house and my son has not used hard drugs, as far as I know. When he first came back here about 4 years ago, he really did try.

    If I could turn back the clock I would have responded differently. I would have given more support, and been less judgmental and reactive. I have had a hard time accepting my son's limits. This is another learning edge. I love my son.

    These threads have helped me a great deal. I think I am calmer, a bit more hopeful, and a bit more realistic and hopefully, a bit more accepting. There are things to be grateful for with my son. And there is my great fear, about his health. Which is another kind of teacher.

    New Leaf. From afar it feels to me that your daughters want you to take 100 percent responsibility and culpability for them and for the fact that they continue to want to stay the same. They are choosing this. They want you to accept all of the damage and chaos and risk and degradation...and to accept blame and responsibility too. As far as I can hear, they offer nothing. It is not that they could not be and have something different, but so far they locate the wanting and will in circumstances, and you, (because after all, we become circumstances, too, not beings)and not in themselves.

    And still, you look to yourself, and ask, is it me? You very quickly remind yourself of the reality of the situation. But it is very sad to me that there is even 5 seconds of doubt.

    We are all of us like this, in a conversation with our inner selves, about this doubt, fear and love.

    I hope you stay here for awhile again, New Leaf. We have missed you.
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    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    So today is Friday and I'm sure this is heavy on your mind, but you are not wrong to leave this in her and her attorney's hands. What would it accomplish if you went? Not a thing. It might possibly give the judge the wrong impression, that you are willing and able to help. It might hurt her even more by the judge finding out she does have family and yet isn't doing what is necessary to straighten up.

    I'm glad to see you Leafy. I'm so very sorry your kids continue on this path.

    You know, I think they mean it Copa. Mine used to say the same sort of thing. He'd have "plans" and it was going to all work out. Then of course it didn't, because his plans were outrageous or unrealistic or just dependent on other people who were even more messed up than he was. So his big "It's great" moment would end in crushing disappointment.

    What an exhausting way to live. I know because lived it too after all. Sure he'd turned things around, only to be crushed by his misdeeds. That is the best part of distance/detachment...stepping off the roller coaster.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Gosh. This hit me hard. Because what in the world do we do with the love? It becomes dangerous to love, doesn't it, to show love...because it might be construed as willingness to do for, which in our case, turns into being consumed by a garbage disposal. What an impossible situation. Where our basic instinct to love has to be contained and guarded against because it leads us to be harmed.
    And this is tragic, too. The thought that your demonstration of love could harm her; by showing up, and reflecting to the judge the reality that she has burnt all of her bridges. This is SO sad.

    The potential blessing in this, is that eventually with all roads cut off, she can and will turn to herself. How much does our help, help them? It only offers the mirage of one more road away from the reality of her life.

    I have not heard from my son about meeting tomorrow. I don't think he will follow through. I did text him to remind him, he's got to let me know. That either way is fine. Whether or not I am protecting myself with that, I am not sure. But I give it 25 percent. Sad.

    Addendum: I bought the ticket to meet my son tomorrow (3rd try). He is going to take the same method of transportation as last time (via hell and gone) which led to him being 2 hours late, and missing me entirely.

    No detailed itinerary provided by me, with departure and arrival times, totally spelled out, impresses him.

    Not that it will take him half the time. Not that it will cost half the price. He insists upon taking the SAME route to nowhere, AGAIN.

    I texted. You decide. Please give yourself ample time. Sigh.

    Actually. It makes me sad. He said: I know how to get there if I go first to XXX. So. I get it. This is his way of making sure he will get there. It may not have worked last time, to get him there on time, but at least he got there 2 hours late. Perhaps he will give himself more time, this time. Maybe he will get there. I hope so.
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    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019