marlboro

New Member
I hope you find a way to be able to assert your worth to them, not because they'll suddenly believe you, but because they'll understand that you know they're not fulfilling your bottom line criteria of who gets to be in your life. xo

Only as a custodian of their illnesses could I honestly expect that. And this is important to me. For me to keep holding on to expectations and demands that will never be fulfilled because they are impossible with an NP and a high functioning invisible BiPolar (BP), just tends to make me miserable.

Its not that they won’t, its that the illnesses they have won’t permit it.

They want me to accept my role in their their problems which are offering them messages for their growth. I have repeatedly done that. As soon as I do, they promptly forget I ever said it, and within month make the demands that I do it again because I never did before.

Their illnesses are hard on them, and on everyone around them. However, many people who are BiPolar (BP) often marry an NP, and vice versa. So its a good possibility that my son’s wife is BiPolar (BP), and that my daughter’s husband is NP.

Thanks for your concern.
 

recoveringenabler

Well-Known Member
Staff member
For me to keep holding on to expectations and demands that will never be fulfilled because they are impossible with an NP and a high functioning invisible BiPolar (BiPolar (BiPolar (BP))), just tends to make me miserable.

Its not that they won’t, its that the illnesses they have won’t permit it.

That's the same conclusion I've arrived at.....and I hope this is true for you, it liberated me from the rabbit wheel and offered some peace and allowed me to be ok with the way it is. I don't have to like it, but .....I had to learn acceptance. Seems you have too. I hope your wife can find her way there.
 

marlboro

New Member
[QUOTE="marlboro, post: 729536, member: 22857”].... impossible with an NP and a high functioning invisible BiPolar (BiPolar (BP)), just tends to make me miserable.

[/QUOTE]
I did not write this. Apparently some kind of spell checker on this site changed BiPolar (BP) to "BiPolar(BiPolar (BP))". The name “BeePee” is also used to identify BeePeeDee(Borderline Personality Disorder), as short hand.

We’ll see what it does this time.

----Yeah it did it again. You must use Borderline (BPD) or the site will change what you write.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I really am not consumed by labels. The DSM and psychiatry are inexact and I care more about the behavior.

When loved ones are self destructive and don't make loving decisions for themselves it is hard to watch. They all can decide to change their choices and live more happily. It is so difficult to see them making the same choices over and over again yet be helpless to do anything. So sometimes, for your own sake, it can be a mental health decision to stop engaging in their dysfunction. After all, as much as we hate it, we can only control ourselves, nobody else.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
Oh, how I relate, marlboro. I have worked for 20 years harder than my difficult adult children (one borderline, the other oppositional and narcissistic) to change and learn how to interact healthily: therapy, 12 step, reading, workshops.

I don't regret any of it because through it I have learned boundaries and self-care. My positive changes have, unfortunately, not changed the relationships for the better. They have contact and are nice only when they want something - and charm with others who don't know them well is one of their manipulations.

One has cut me out of her and my grandchildren's life because I stopped enabling. The other is soon to be released from jail, hopes to get custody of his child, and is working his hardest to groom and manipulate me.

Like you I'm too tired to keep doing this - it's relentless and chronic. Some people change, and some people don't, and I am not in control of any of that.
Your brown lab puppy photo is worth signing on for.
 

marlboro

New Member
Your brown lab puppy photo is worth signing on for.

The brown lab puppy is now almost 18 weeks old. He was about 5 weeks old in the picture. He is such a serious dog. He was born within 12 hours of the death of our previous 14.5 year old yellow lab who was the sweetest dog of all the dogs we have had. His name is RijL(after the star Rigel, which means courageous and benevolent).

We went to the breeder to visit the puppies when they were all weaned at 5 weeks. She brought them all out in the puppy run and all of them ran over to be petted and lick our hands. But after about a minute they all ran back to play with each other---all except one that is. One of the males, just sat there looking at us---staring into our eyes---while all his peers ran around him bumping into him, and biting him. But he never moved. He just kept staring at us. So we picked him up, and when we I held him he stared at my wife, and vice versa when she held him. So the breeder says, “Were do the Volstag test to select one for you, but clearly he has chosen you. I have seen puppies do this often---but never ever this young. This is the first 5 week old puppy I ever saw do this in 30 years of breeding.” She marked his ear with blue paint so she could remember him. She commented though, “True to be told, I really don’t need the blue paint, he is different than the others and seems like an adult dog in a puppy body.” So we put him down into the pen again. And he sat there looking forlorn like we didn’t choose him after all. He acted like he expected to go with us right then. So we told him, we were coming back for him in three weeks, and then he went and played with the others, BUT HE KEPT HIS EYES ON US WHERE EVER HE WENT.

The breeder took photos several times in the three weeks. You could always pick him out. He was the only one sitting and staring directly into the camera. When we took him 3 weeks later, he never whined or whimpered once, and he moved right in as if he’d been living with us for the past few years. Now he sleeps 10 hours a night, and actually starts harassing me to go to bed by 9:00. I won’t let him go up to the upstairs crate in our BDR until he does one more Poo.

My wife has not been into taking care of him so much, since she got a cat the same time our dog died. So I have been spending 95% of the time raising him. My wife spends upstairs time with the cat, and I spend downstairs time with the dog. We meet for meals, to go out together, and of course night(where we have only been apart for 21 days in 45+ years.)

RijL is getting darker and darker. My wife is allergic to milk, and so he is getting to be a very very dark chocolate---clearly 90% cacao now. He is almost black now.
 
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New Leaf

Well-Known Member
What a lovely story. Thank you for sharing. I love his name. In Hawaiian culture, names are very important, the belief being that people and animals grow into their names, represent them. I am glad you have such a beautiful animal as comfort and companion.
 
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