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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 729234" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This is so utterly exhausting Marlboro.</p><p> I usually don’t get to post so often, but am home with a bout of strep.</p><p>You know Marlboro, I was thinking that with all of your knowledge of conditions and disorders to decipher what is going on here and the crazy situation you grew up with, I am sure it does not make it any easier to deal with.</p><p>To sort through.</p><p>Knowing what’s going on helps, but it doesn’t fix it.</p><p>You were extremely brave in putting up boundaries with your father. Geez what toxicity. I am sorry the resulting shunning brought you to such a low point in your life where you considered suicide. Who wouldn’t be knocked off their axis?</p><p>I was there too, feeling desperate and helpless. Hopeless. Bullied relentlessly by my siblings, then married hubs who had a really toxic upbringing, abusive father, domestic violence. You can probably picture the history of our relationship, lots of issues, it’s pretty textbook.</p><p> It was a real struggle while the kids were growing up. We did our best to get through all that stuff and provide for them. There were some real rocky stretches, but, I have reams of photos of happy times and smiling faces.</p><p>Did I mess up? Hell ya, I am only human. Did the best I could with what I had at the time. Did I blame myself for the kids issues? Yup. Did they? Oh, they grabbed on to my guilt and ran with it.</p><p>Then I thought wait a minute, life is hard at times, but there are good moments sprinkled in between.</p><p>Then I finally realized that <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/poop.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":poop:" title="poop :poop:" data-shortname=":poop:" /> just happens.</p><p>We don’t have much control over any of it at all, just the way we react, which is inevitably human, when we do make mistakes (which is often) figure it out and do better the next time.</p><p>Sorry, I’m preaching to the choir.</p><p>I have five kids. Two off the rails, the others reasonably sane for now. I spent a lot of time putting out fires with my two. In between that, paid as much attention as I possibly could to the others. Trying all the while to figure out who I was.</p><p>The “stable” kids seem to be doing okay.</p><p>They understand that stuff just happens.</p><p>A simple explanation, but hard to deal with as it all hits the fan.</p><p>You stood up for yourself with your father.</p><p>The result was totally inhumane and unfair.</p><p>The struggles you had to overcome, your daughters illness and the eggshells you walked on.</p><p>Tough, tough stuff.</p><p> Your story is off the charts, Marlboro.</p><p>You are a survivor.</p><p>Be kind to yourself.</p><p>Kids grow up and make choices for themselves. For as many posts as I have read here, where kids had a “good” life and upbringing, some still went off the rails. It didn’t matter where they came from, they chose.</p><p>The fact that you have the patience and wherewithal to help your wife through this is awesome. We all process this stuff in our own way.</p><p>I am at the point where I am trying hard as I can to live the best rest of my life. Lord only knows how long that will be. I have been slowly returning to my art, and have always known that I have to be by the ocean. So, I get out on a canoe as much as I can. It’s a few years before I am able to retire and I am looking forward to that.</p><p>Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? In the midst of dealing with toxic adult children, it is so important to try to switch focus somehow. Do something fulfilling for yourself.</p><p>When you take that long trip in April, are there other things you will do? Interesting places to visit?</p><p>Something for you and your wife in addition to the birthday party?</p><p>Sorry for the babbling, I’m a little delerious with fever.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I’m trying to say is that we matter. Despite what the kids grow up and choose, we matter.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 729234, member: 19522"] This is so utterly exhausting Marlboro. I usually don’t get to post so often, but am home with a bout of strep. You know Marlboro, I was thinking that with all of your knowledge of conditions and disorders to decipher what is going on here and the crazy situation you grew up with, I am sure it does not make it any easier to deal with. To sort through. Knowing what’s going on helps, but it doesn’t fix it. You were extremely brave in putting up boundaries with your father. Geez what toxicity. I am sorry the resulting shunning brought you to such a low point in your life where you considered suicide. Who wouldn’t be knocked off their axis? I was there too, feeling desperate and helpless. Hopeless. Bullied relentlessly by my siblings, then married hubs who had a really toxic upbringing, abusive father, domestic violence. You can probably picture the history of our relationship, lots of issues, it’s pretty textbook. It was a real struggle while the kids were growing up. We did our best to get through all that stuff and provide for them. There were some real rocky stretches, but, I have reams of photos of happy times and smiling faces. Did I mess up? Hell ya, I am only human. Did the best I could with what I had at the time. Did I blame myself for the kids issues? Yup. Did they? Oh, they grabbed on to my guilt and ran with it. Then I thought wait a minute, life is hard at times, but there are good moments sprinkled in between. Then I finally realized that :poop: just happens. We don’t have much control over any of it at all, just the way we react, which is inevitably human, when we do make mistakes (which is often) figure it out and do better the next time. Sorry, I’m preaching to the choir. I have five kids. Two off the rails, the others reasonably sane for now. I spent a lot of time putting out fires with my two. In between that, paid as much attention as I possibly could to the others. Trying all the while to figure out who I was. The “stable” kids seem to be doing okay. They understand that stuff just happens. A simple explanation, but hard to deal with as it all hits the fan. You stood up for yourself with your father. The result was totally inhumane and unfair. The struggles you had to overcome, your daughters illness and the eggshells you walked on. Tough, tough stuff. Your story is off the charts, Marlboro. You are a survivor. Be kind to yourself. Kids grow up and make choices for themselves. For as many posts as I have read here, where kids had a “good” life and upbringing, some still went off the rails. It didn’t matter where they came from, they chose. The fact that you have the patience and wherewithal to help your wife through this is awesome. We all process this stuff in our own way. I am at the point where I am trying hard as I can to live the best rest of my life. Lord only knows how long that will be. I have been slowly returning to my art, and have always known that I have to be by the ocean. So, I get out on a canoe as much as I can. It’s a few years before I am able to retire and I am looking forward to that. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? In the midst of dealing with toxic adult children, it is so important to try to switch focus somehow. Do something fulfilling for yourself. When you take that long trip in April, are there other things you will do? Interesting places to visit? Something for you and your wife in addition to the birthday party? Sorry for the babbling, I’m a little delerious with fever. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we matter. Despite what the kids grow up and choose, we matter. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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