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It Just Keeps Getting Worse
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 651587" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>One of the most damaging things for me about what we go through with our G.F.G. kids was fighting that kind of exploding panic that happens when the kids tell us and guilt and accuse us when really, they are in trouble because of choices they have made that we cannot undo. </p><p></p><p>COM's words will be a good way for you to stay steady.</p><p></p><p>This part is really hard. I'm sorry this is happening.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>Great job, Dad!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Here again, presence of mind and planning ahead helps us stay focused.</p><p></p><p>That is what we need. To know how we want to handle these things that come roaring in at us from left field without succumbing to manipulation.</p><p></p><p>It's tough.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This line of thought helped me, too. There is so much guilt involved when our children ~ however old they are ~ misbehave. We need to stop accusing ourselves for whatever it is they are doing. We need, just as MWM posted, to tell ourselves what is true about what is happening and let go of the emotional baggage.</p><p></p><p>Abuse is abuse, where ever it comes from.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I haven't done that yet. In our family? Just the words "No money." cause a maelstrom of epic proportions. The kids hang up, I have a melt down, husband and I are at loose ends and then, I come here to figure out how to stand up to it.</p><p></p><p>What is actually happening versus the picture I carry around in my heart of how things are supposed to be shocks me too much. I have to stay focused on how to respond, or I can't do it.</p><p></p><p>It helped me very much to look at it this way: Given that the kids actually do love and listen to us (how else could they learn to manipulate us with such mathematical precision) it is our responsibility to teach them how to make it through whatever is going on with them. That means teaching them to rely on themselves. Which means standing up for ourselves, which is what we want to kids to learn to do, too. It means telling them loud and clear and without one shred of guilt that we are not going to help them self destruct or go a wrong way in life.</p><p></p><p>Loud and clear.</p><p></p><p>No room for misunderstanding.</p><p></p><p>That way, the child has a strong moral code, a parent with a believable backbone, to pattern themselves on once they are through messing with whatever it is that changed the course of their lives.</p><p></p><p>Against everything we ever taught them, which is an important concept, too.</p><p></p><p>I used to dance all around that whole issue of what I had done, of where I had failed, for these terrible things to have happened to us.</p><p></p><p>Don't do that. It turned out, after many years, not to have been me, after all.</p><p></p><p>Since I didn't cause it, I could not fix it.</p><p></p><p>That is why it is important for you and your husband to know this is going to be rough, to understand that your child's behavior and her consequences are going to escalate, and to decide now how you intend to ride it out.</p><p></p><p>That will save your emotional lives, in a way.</p><p></p><p>Part of the devastation of loving a child who is self destructing is that our own self concepts are destroyed. But there is no value in that. It does not help us to let that happen, it only makes us weak.</p><p></p><p>And we have to learn to be very strong, to get through this.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 651587, member: 17461"] One of the most damaging things for me about what we go through with our G.F.G. kids was fighting that kind of exploding panic that happens when the kids tell us and guilt and accuse us when really, they are in trouble because of choices they have made that we cannot undo. COM's words will be a good way for you to stay steady. This part is really hard. I'm sorry this is happening. Me, too. Great job, Dad! Here again, presence of mind and planning ahead helps us stay focused. That is what we need. To know how we want to handle these things that come roaring in at us from left field without succumbing to manipulation. It's tough. This line of thought helped me, too. There is so much guilt involved when our children ~ however old they are ~ misbehave. We need to stop accusing ourselves for whatever it is they are doing. We need, just as MWM posted, to tell ourselves what is true about what is happening and let go of the emotional baggage. Abuse is abuse, where ever it comes from. I haven't done that yet. In our family? Just the words "No money." cause a maelstrom of epic proportions. The kids hang up, I have a melt down, husband and I are at loose ends and then, I come here to figure out how to stand up to it. What is actually happening versus the picture I carry around in my heart of how things are supposed to be shocks me too much. I have to stay focused on how to respond, or I can't do it. It helped me very much to look at it this way: Given that the kids actually do love and listen to us (how else could they learn to manipulate us with such mathematical precision) it is our responsibility to teach them how to make it through whatever is going on with them. That means teaching them to rely on themselves. Which means standing up for ourselves, which is what we want to kids to learn to do, too. It means telling them loud and clear and without one shred of guilt that we are not going to help them self destruct or go a wrong way in life. Loud and clear. No room for misunderstanding. That way, the child has a strong moral code, a parent with a believable backbone, to pattern themselves on once they are through messing with whatever it is that changed the course of their lives. Against everything we ever taught them, which is an important concept, too. I used to dance all around that whole issue of what I had done, of where I had failed, for these terrible things to have happened to us. Don't do that. It turned out, after many years, not to have been me, after all. Since I didn't cause it, I could not fix it. That is why it is important for you and your husband to know this is going to be rough, to understand that your child's behavior and her consequences are going to escalate, and to decide now how you intend to ride it out. That will save your emotional lives, in a way. Part of the devastation of loving a child who is self destructing is that our own self concepts are destroyed. But there is no value in that. It does not help us to let that happen, it only makes us weak. And we have to learn to be very strong, to get through this. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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