It just never ends.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Cheese, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. Cheese

    Cheese New Member

    I do not visit this site very often, and I've only made one post regarding the issue, link . So, I am sorry if I seem like a stranger.

    To be brief, I do not have children. It is my brother that is the issue, and the way it affects my parents is just beyond cruel. Since getting the wonderful replies in the last thread, I have been trying so desperately to move out. I have dibs on several places if the current tenant moves out, but I have no idea when that'll be. So, for the time being, it is my mother, father, brother and I all living under the same roof. Even if I do move, that doesn't really take me completely out of the picture. I love my parents, and can not, in good conscience, leave them to suffer too.

    My brother is 25, lies, steals, smokes, and is just lazy as all get out. We've been trying to reestablish trust in him by slowly giving him more and more freedom. His car was repossessed a while back, so he's had no way of leaving the house. My parents started letting him use their car to go out for a few parties here and there in the hopes that it'll help him from going stir crazy. He's taking medication from a doctor and goes to a therapist, but who knows what he tells her.

    Long story short, we had another outburst today, and it was my finding. I like to keep some cash on hand, and since the last episodes of stealing, I always kept it hidden. Fearing my hiding spot wasn't good enough, I then put a good chunk of the money in a locked box disguised as a book. I went to add some money to it only to discover all my money was gone. Even the paper I put in their which I used to keep track of how much money was in there and when I added or took cash out was gone. I searched high and low desperately hoping I had just put the money somewhere else, but it just wasn't so. My brother stole from me again. I went to his little makeshift room in the basement to look for my money. He was outside smoking, so I had time to rummage around. There was just too much **** laying all over the place for me to find anything, but I did see one thing. A bottle full of poppy seeds, his drug of choice. I knew he wasn't supposed to have them.

    My parents are very stressed recently due to heavy workload, but when this stuff happens....I just can't let it go. Not knowing for them makes it worse, so I told them and showed them the bottle of seeds. I'm so sick and tired of seeing my parents lose it. They just go through every possible emotion....anger of what happen, sadness because of the reality, etc. Life already beats us down. To have this **** on top is just too much.

    The biggest problem is there is no way my brother can care for himself. He has no money. I mean absolutely zero. He has people on his ass wanting to get money he owes. The second he gets money, he blows it on god knows what.

    As much as I just want him out of my life, I just know it isn't possible, for me and most definitely my parents. My brother is just....unstable. If we toss him out with a bag of his ****, he will have no where to go or stay. What he'll end up doing to himself is almost worse to think about than what hell we're living through now. We want our lives back, but the constant pang of wondering what happened to him will just haunt us forever if we go out like that. It just never ends.

    I've never personally talked to him about it. While my parents were downstairs drilling him, I was upstairs just in tears. I went back and forth on whether or not me saying something would do any good. He usually just denies everything, and when he doesn't get what he wants, he'll just go mute and ignore everything or throw out "threats" of not going to the doctor or doing chores and the like. He doesn't know, but I listen to it all.

    Every time this happens, you say it's the last straw. No more. I can't take any more. But then when cooler heads prevail and you start to think it over, you just realize that in your heart of hearts, the easiest option of throwing him out just isn't practical. We'd be doing the same thing he's been doing all along, taking the easy way out.

    This is more of a rant than anything. Trying to cool myself down enough to get some sleep. He's hurt my parents, me, grandparents and even my dogs. Despite us telling him numerous times not to, he just throws his cigarette butts on the ground where the dogs can easily eat them. I'm already out hundreds because of the stealing. My parents are out thousands from various things all relating to his stupid actions. To have to pay thousands for a vet to help my ailing dog would just make me do unspeakable things.:soapbox:

    Okay, need to stop getting worked up again. Tomorrow's another day....that I'm not really looking forward to.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Cheese, I'm sorry you're still going through this with your brother. I understand how difficult it is to live with an adult who has mental issues. You may want to read the blurb on detachment at the bottom of my post and share it with your parents as well. Unfortunately, as I've learned, nothing will change as long as you and your parents continue to enable him. He has no place to go because of his own actions. As I mentioned to you in your original post, it may be prudent for you and your parents to attend NAMI groups (National alliance on mental illness) or Alanon or any 12 step group which deals with whatever substances your brother is using. But, I think the point is that you and your parents need support to find solutions about your brother. He stole from you and you have every right to report him to the police, if there are no consequences for his behavior, why would he change. You are all making it easy for him to remain the way he is.

    There are options for you and your family to change this situation however, it will take some serious steps. It doesn't sound as if you are willing to take them at this point. You are all colluding to keep your brother immobilized and although you believe you are helping him, by enabling him, you actually rob him of the ability to have a life of his own. Only by learning natural consequences will he grow up and become an adult. Throwing him out is not an easy path, in fact it is likely the most difficult heart wrenching choice you could make, because you would have to allow him to find his own way, he could be homeless, he could be in jail, he could make some really bad choices while he finds his way, and you and your parents would have to step out and allow that, so it is clearly NOT an easy path. However, it is a path of deep caring that you can let someone go so they can find their own way, that you can stop enabling them and treating them like a child and allow them to grow up. Being unstable doesn't give your brother a pass on life. There are steps you could take before you ask him to leave, and it you're interested in those steps you might read what others here have done. They're tough, but the alternative is that you and your parents continue to live with him while he holds you all hostage with his lying, stealing and laziness.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I agree with Recoveringenabler, Throwing them out is not an easy way out. The worry does not stop when they leave. Putting them out on their own it is often the only way an addict will want to change and often the only way the family can be safe from the abuse the addict takes out on them. Stealing is abuse, verbal ranting is abuse, destruction of property is abuse, bringing drugs into your and your parents home is abuse. If he were not family would you allow this???? I doubt it. Running around trying to shore up every part of his life so he can't use or get into trouble is futile and enabling. Not to mention stressful. I agree that CODA, NarcAnon, Nami or Alanon would be a good thing for both you and your parents. In the mean time put your money in the bank and keep your bank info well hidden. -RM
  4. Cheese - I know you just came here to rant and to cool off but RE and RM are right. Your family is enabling your brother to continue abusing drugs and being abusive to all of you. Throwing him out is NOT easy. My son, whom I love very much, is currently homeless. We had to ask him to leave our home because of the choices he was making. I love that boy so much, he is my firstborn but he had to leave - for his benefit and ours. In the long run I am praying that this will be good for all of us and the right decision.

    I feel horrible for you and your family and I strongly recommend some type of support group. My husband and I just joined a support group and I think it is going to be very helpful for us.

    Hugs to you and your parents. This is tough.
  5. Cheese

    Cheese New Member

    I did take your advice on looking for NAMI and other groups. We did find one, but when my mother called, they said they don't do the groups anymore due to low attendance. Since that was all we could find, we're kind of out of luck on that. I'm sure there are groups up in Chicago, which is about an hour away, but I know my parents wouldn't want to drive that far, especially this time of year where work bogs you down.

    I think my mother is what mostly keeps him home, but this last event, even she seemed determined to kick him out. But that was in a fit of anger, so I'm not sure what she'd think of it on a calm day. My dad couldn't care less and would be happy to see my brother go wherever, streets or jail etc.

    I keep trying to talk my parents into moving and participating in a new business, more suited to my dad's taste, which is agricultural It's just more peaceful. Since my mother works at an accounting firm, it doesn't seem like she'll have too hard of a time finding work wherever we go due to her skill-set. It just seems like it's time to just start over. Pack up and start a new life. Maybe it's just my feeling since I'm young and just dying to get out, but this house just doesn't feel like a home anymore.

    Thanks again for taking the time to read my rant. My father will be taking my brother to the doctor tonight, so we'll see how that goes.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope there is good news at the Dr. Remember, you and your parents deserve to have a full, peaceful life, take baby steps towards detaching. And, best of luck to you.
  7. Cheese

    Cheese New Member

    Ugh, bad news. It's tough driving home when you're crying. My brother refused to go to the doctor. Pretty much is refusing everything. So, we are kicking him out.

    I learned it the hard way. I needed to go uptown to get some things and decided to get my mother a little gift to put on her desk at work to help alleviate some stress. Got her lavender oil as that's supposed to help with relaxation. I got to her work upbeat and positive, but the second I saw my mother's face, I just knew something was grim. She thanked me for the gift and gave me a big hug...and then she told me all about my brother, and SHE said that he is getting kicked out. The gloomy day and rainy night just about sums everything up. I can't help but cry. Memories of what my brother used to be. The fun we had growing up. Knowing my parents are the best in the world and are having to live in such misery. Having such an uncertain future. What is my brother going to do with himself? What might he do to us?

    I'm really just at that point where I'm about cried out. I do wish my parents had somebody else to talk to. Even though I'm an adult, I'm still their child, and they don't like talking about it in front of me, despite me saying it's okay to let it out. I'm here for them just as much as they're there for me. But somebody more knowledgeable on the subject would be better.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The hardest thing I ever did was detach from my daughter and refuse to allow her to live with us. I needed a lot of help to do it, it's a tough road. I would suggest you get a trained professional, or a support group or something to help your parents especially, but of course you too. Someone needs to help you guys navigate through this, provide support, options, advice, comfort, listening skill, all of it. You all deserve that. Here in CA. there are programs through Kaiser Permanente for Chemical Dependency and Codependency, the programs are stellar. I don't know where you live but you can call your local HMO or medical facility and start asking around. Go to Coda groups, alanon, any group where you can talk to others who've been where you find yourself. They will have some other options for where you live. But you have to start somewhere, you will need support. In different states, sometimes you have to legally evict someone, you have to go to court to file papers and it can take a few weeks. You need to look into all of it. Your parents need to take on some of this responsibility as well, the three of you have lots of options, you just have to research them. Keep posting, others will support you as you go through this, there are many of us here who've traveled on the road you're on, you're not alone. HUGS.
  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I read through your other post quickly and did not see any indication of your age or your brother's. If you look at the bottom of posts you will see many have a brief description with ages and diagnosis. You and your parents have gone through a lot with your brother. It is very hurtful. My difficult child had stolen from us and his older brothers. We spent a lot of money on trying to get him help. We contacted doctors, mental health agencies, and the police. My difficult child spent 9 months in a residential program in his late teens. He came out and started to slip away again. We got the police to talk to him. We told him, any more incidents and he will be thrown out of the house. It has been a year and he is working hard to stay on the right track. I am proud of him for how well he is doing. If you asked me before he went into the residential program what I thought he'd be doing at this age, I would have said he probably would be in jail or on the streets. My difficult child does say that the right doctor & therapist is the key to his success.
    Now that your parents are throwing him out of the house, it may jolt him into seeking help. It is definitely going to be rough on you and your parents. You just have to keep remembering you are helping him by doing this.