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It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666550" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It will be hard Echo, but if we can see learning to interact with our kids in a healthier way as just how we love them, if we can learn that accepting the challenges for them and for ourselves is just the way ~ maybe, the only way ~ we can create our families successfully, we can do this without the old darknesses and self doubts overwhelming us. Now that we know the parameters of the challenges we face, we can learn to stay steady state in the thick of things. We have all worked very hard, here on the site, to learn how to parent our differently wired children in ways that make sense for them. The problem at the heart of things was never that we were wrong headed parents. The issue turns out to have been that our kids are differently wired.</p><p></p><p>That is SWOT's phrase, and has been very helpful to me.</p><p></p><p>Where we want to get to with our kids is that we want to love them.</p><p></p><p>That has always been what we wanted.</p><p></p><p>It is what they wanted, too.</p><p></p><p>Before we understood how to differentiate between our kids and ourselves, we were certain the problem was somehow in our parenting. We could never find the wrong thing we were doing, though. (Remember when you first came to us, and I was all over myself that we hadn't put son in military school? And you <em>had</em> done that, and were blaming the heck out of yourself for it?!?) </p><p></p><p>Ha! </p><p></p><p>:O) </p><p></p><p>We tried to love them and ourselves out of it. Now, we are learning to love them and ourselves while incorporating their differences into the mix. These are kids who thrive on the kind of parenting that does not feel loving or generous to us. </p><p></p><p>But we can do this Echo. Now that we know how to hold steady state, now that we know why the old parenting ways could not work with our particular child, now that we know there are answers and that we have support, here on the site, we will be able to bring our families together. It isn't going to look like everybody else's family. </p><p></p><p>That's okay.</p><p></p><p>It will look like our family.</p><p></p><p>And every one of our kids will be included at the heart of that family now, whatever their problems. </p><p></p><p>We know how to do that, now. We know we can, as you did Echo, do nothing at all for right now. We know how to identify FOG. That's so big a thing to know. We know it isn't that our child doesn't love us. We know another really important thing: We do love our kids. I wondered sometimes whether I did. I was just so miserable about everything that was happening to all of us though that I figured love had to be in there, somewhere. We know now that, however it looks to someone else, our kids are good kids. We see our families now as loving creations that are coming through incredible challenge.</p><p></p><p>That definition we know about our families now means we are coming from a position of strength. In the past, we were coming from confused positions of self blame or blank frustration. Now, we are learning parenting techniques that will help both us, and our differently wired kids, find self acceptance.</p><p></p><p>How cool is that?</p><p></p><p>And we're doing it, Echo.</p><p></p><p>We are still there for our kids.</p><p></p><p>Our kids are still finding their ways back to us, too.</p><p></p><p>I am so pleased for your child, Echo.</p><p></p><p>We are all still right here, on the site, for one another, too. We will be there when the challenges normal for this time of transition arise, for you and for your child. We will be there with you as you and your child create this new reality where the problems are known. It helps me to understand that what we are doing, really, is learning, pretty much by trial and error, how to parent our differently wired kids in ways they respond well to.</p><p></p><p>That's an uncomfortable thing, but you can do this so easily, Echo.</p><p></p><p>Because you know these things now, everything is going to be different, this time. And whether everything comes up roses or there are challenges, we all are right here for one another.</p><p></p><p>It was very nice to see your post, Echo. We have missed you. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666550, member: 17461"] It will be hard Echo, but if we can see learning to interact with our kids in a healthier way as just how we love them, if we can learn that accepting the challenges for them and for ourselves is just the way ~ maybe, the only way ~ we can create our families successfully, we can do this without the old darknesses and self doubts overwhelming us. Now that we know the parameters of the challenges we face, we can learn to stay steady state in the thick of things. We have all worked very hard, here on the site, to learn how to parent our differently wired children in ways that make sense for them. The problem at the heart of things was never that we were wrong headed parents. The issue turns out to have been that our kids are differently wired. That is SWOT's phrase, and has been very helpful to me. Where we want to get to with our kids is that we want to love them. That has always been what we wanted. It is what they wanted, too. Before we understood how to differentiate between our kids and ourselves, we were certain the problem was somehow in our parenting. We could never find the wrong thing we were doing, though. (Remember when you first came to us, and I was all over myself that we hadn't put son in military school? And you [I]had[/I] done that, and were blaming the heck out of yourself for it?!?) Ha! :O) We tried to love them and ourselves out of it. Now, we are learning to love them and ourselves while incorporating their differences into the mix. These are kids who thrive on the kind of parenting that does not feel loving or generous to us. But we can do this Echo. Now that we know how to hold steady state, now that we know why the old parenting ways could not work with our particular child, now that we know there are answers and that we have support, here on the site, we will be able to bring our families together. It isn't going to look like everybody else's family. That's okay. It will look like our family. And every one of our kids will be included at the heart of that family now, whatever their problems. We know how to do that, now. We know we can, as you did Echo, do nothing at all for right now. We know how to identify FOG. That's so big a thing to know. We know it isn't that our child doesn't love us. We know another really important thing: We do love our kids. I wondered sometimes whether I did. I was just so miserable about everything that was happening to all of us though that I figured love had to be in there, somewhere. We know now that, however it looks to someone else, our kids are good kids. We see our families now as loving creations that are coming through incredible challenge. That definition we know about our families now means we are coming from a position of strength. In the past, we were coming from confused positions of self blame or blank frustration. Now, we are learning parenting techniques that will help both us, and our differently wired kids, find self acceptance. How cool is that? And we're doing it, Echo. We are still there for our kids. Our kids are still finding their ways back to us, too. I am so pleased for your child, Echo. We are all still right here, on the site, for one another, too. We will be there when the challenges normal for this time of transition arise, for you and for your child. We will be there with you as you and your child create this new reality where the problems are known. It helps me to understand that what we are doing, really, is learning, pretty much by trial and error, how to parent our differently wired kids in ways they respond well to. That's an uncomfortable thing, but you can do this so easily, Echo. Because you know these things now, everything is going to be different, this time. And whether everything comes up roses or there are challenges, we all are right here for one another. It was very nice to see your post, Echo. We have missed you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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