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It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666555" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have whittled down my participation in phone calls with my son to Hi, Bye and 3 to 4 more words, max. When he calls, I cannot get off the phone quickly enough. To do nothing, is stressful for me.</p><p></p><p>Him? He is chatting away.</p><p></p><p>A month ago, he could not bear to speak to me. I could not even say um...without him hanging up on me or telling me to f--k myself.</p><p></p><p>What I am finding, is that my son wants me to have limits. He wants me to be in control...of myself. Not him. He seems to be relieved that I have set boundaries...with money, help, advice.</p><p></p><p>As I have gotten out of the way, he is clearer. Stronger.</p><p></p><p>He wants to have me in his life. He needs nothing at all to be loved and accepted by me. He knows already. There is nothing we have to do anymore except be there. All of the other shoulds just get in the way.</p><p></p><p>Any way you solve the matter of the clothes, will be fine. It is just noise. Your son knows you love him. All of the rest of it is garbage. He just wants you to be there...you. </p><p></p><p>He may have habitual dependencies...that are his problem to solve...or not. Not yours.</p><p></p><p>Just like whatever is going on in your head and heart..is yours to learn from or not.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>I have found that the more attenuated is the contact with my son...the fewer words and deeds on my part...done with less emotion...less motivation, with no goal in sight, the better for him. And for us.</p><p></p><p>He knows already I love him. I can rest. And I can remember I love him, too. For now, that is good enough.</p><p></p><p>Your son seems to be making a lot of good choices. I am glad for both of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666555, member: 18958"] I have whittled down my participation in phone calls with my son to Hi, Bye and 3 to 4 more words, max. When he calls, I cannot get off the phone quickly enough. To do nothing, is stressful for me. Him? He is chatting away. A month ago, he could not bear to speak to me. I could not even say um...without him hanging up on me or telling me to f--k myself. What I am finding, is that my son wants me to have limits. He wants me to be in control...of myself. Not him. He seems to be relieved that I have set boundaries...with money, help, advice. As I have gotten out of the way, he is clearer. Stronger. He wants to have me in his life. He needs nothing at all to be loved and accepted by me. He knows already. There is nothing we have to do anymore except be there. All of the other shoulds just get in the way. Any way you solve the matter of the clothes, will be fine. It is just noise. Your son knows you love him. All of the rest of it is garbage. He just wants you to be there...you. He may have habitual dependencies...that are his problem to solve...or not. Not yours. Just like whatever is going on in your head and heart..is yours to learn from or not. Yes. Yes. I have found that the more attenuated is the contact with my son...the fewer words and deeds on my part...done with less emotion...less motivation, with no goal in sight, the better for him. And for us. He knows already I love him. I can rest. And I can remember I love him, too. For now, that is good enough. Your son seems to be making a lot of good choices. I am glad for both of you. [/QUOTE]
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It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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