It's a New Day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Dec 26, 2007.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, realizing that the only thing that I can change is myself, I'm starting with today. Over the weekend while I was having my Pity Party, I couldn't stop thinking about that old '60's adage "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." Or is that AA? Whatever. I'm going to try to make it work for me. Today.

    husband and I agreed that we have to have a talk with L about being grown up enough to understand that a reconciliation with my family is just not going to happen for me, and she needs to stop pushing for it. I know she thinks that she can fix things with us and M too, but we need to let her know that when we want her help we will ask for it.

    I feel really strongly that I shouldn't need to explain my decisions about my family to anyone. L's relationship with them is not my relationship with them and she can't ever understand it in a way that will make her able to fix it. It's actually kind of sad, because I am so much a raw nerve right now that I can't even imagine her trying her hand at "M says he wants to try to reconcile things with you after the holidays." We're going to have to nip her participation in that in the bud and convince her to just let it be and let it happen, don't force it.

    Thank you all for being with me through this sad awful weekend. Today I'm looking up, and I'll try to keep it that way. I scare myself when I let myself get so down. It feels better to know that I can feel a little bit better though. If I can feel a little bit better, then I suppose I can feel a lot better. Poor husband. He had a miserable Christmas too.
  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen


  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    well THERE you are - phew/whew

    Glad to hear your voice again. Witz, what about a do-over Christmas just for you and husband only? A small tree from the dollar store, a nice dinner, maybe even a 1/2 off nativity scene?

    It's never too late - and with your new attitude - it's never too silly of an idea.

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I knew you were there somewhere.

    Sometimes, we need a couple days like that before the cobwebs can clear. Glad to see you back.

    Big ol' hugs.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I gotta admit, Star, you would have found yourself a donkey because it was "The Wise Man" who got thrown upside the wall. :wink: Who needs myrh, anyway? Missy L is upset because she hasn't gotten her gifts yet, I'm sure. Christmas will wait for everyone until I'm more suited to celebrate it with good cheer. I'm sure we've all had our share of Christmas's where someone was miserable and they just should have stayed at home. This time I just took care of it for them!

    by the way, a friend brought me a giant nutcracker, so it is now my one decoration. I didn't have the heart to tell her what I'd done. I'm sure husband is a little worried that might be a bit too apt after last weekend. And we came up with a new description for my monthly "leave me alone" time. "PMT". Apparently that's what they call it in England, we saw it on the tube the other night. We've decided it stands for "Pre-Menstrual Tantrum". Gads, it just gets worse the older I get. If I don't get through menopause soon I swear to goodness someone's going to get hurt!
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm glad you took the time to lick your wounds and were able to come out on the other side of this.

    You'll get there, hon.

  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Good to see your smile again. -RM
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Good to see you back Witz. Glad you are looking up and into the future. Sometimes we just need to sit in a place until it becomes uncomfortable enough to make us want to move---onward and forward. Today is the day before the rest of the tomorrows--
  9. jmama45

    jmama45 New Member

    Good for you! Yes your happiness is in your control, so make it work for you! I admire your work!!
  10. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    :bravo: :princess:

    You go, girl!

  11. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Our families hold such power over us.

    Maybe what you should do for Christmas, if not this year then next Wtiz, is fly away somewhere with husband.

    People do, you know.

    They leave their families and their games and nastiness behind.

    We can probably never change our families of origin, but we never need to buy into the sickness again, once we can clearly see what it is and how it functions.

    If it will help any Witz, families which function better when one of them has been painted as a villain will create another villain should the first one refuse to play.

    Villainizing one of the family members, chillingly enough, is often nothing personal ~ it is just the dynamic of that family.

    The designated villain carries everything the family does not want acknowledged.

    There is a story about a family of frogs living in a poisoned pond. The water became steadily more toxic, but the frogs knew nothing else. Everyone in the frog family became sicker and sicker, but they all continued to live there in the poisoned pond because they had no way of knowing there were other places to live. One day, sick at heart, one of the frogs managed to crawl a little way away from the shore.

    She felt better, though she could not exactly say why.

    So, she crawled a little further away.

    Soon enough, she had left the poison pond behind.

    She lived in clear water and her food was clean and her skin glistened with health.

    But then, one day, the frog felt lonely for her former life. She had forgotten how hurtful it was. All she remembered was that she missed the other frogs.

    So, she went back to the poisoned pond.

    She thought she was strong enough now to teach them a better way, to tell them about the clean water in other ponds.

    Soon enough, overwhelmed by the toxicity of her home pond, she remembered the cleanliness and strength she had felt once only as a misty kind of dream of a place. As the toxicity of the family pond took hold, she forgot even that.

    When she next tried to leave the pond, remembering only that she had been able to do that once, she found that she was too weak to make it up the bank.

    She slipped back into the poisoned pond.

    And that is where she raised her children.

    That story made such an impact on me that I never forgot it.

    When we see ourselves painted as the villain too many times, we lose sight of the fact that, in order for the family dynamic to work, the designated villain must accept, and believe in, her role as the family bad guy.

    Otherwise, the game falls apart, and the family is left to face its truths without a scapegoat to account for their lack of perfection.

    If you are the family's designated villain Witz, the only way for you to claim your own, unsullied identity is never to go back to the poisoned pond.

    And if we do go there?

    Then we have to bring our own oxygen supply, or we will never escape it again.

    Families are tough, especially at Christmas.

    But, to paraphrase the Maya Angelou saying Suz has on her profile, once we know better, we can do better.

    We need to be able to see so clearly that the sicknesses in our families of origin have nothing to do with us.

    I am glad you destroyed your Christmas decorations.

    Buy some new ones at the clearance sales and celebrate a whole different kind of Christmas next year.


    (I thought that nutcracker thing was so funny, Witz! husband's are so cool, sometimes.)

  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Barbara. I like the frog story, I will have to share that one with my therapist. He will like it.

    I would be all for getting new decorations, but nine years ago I had boxed up (not gotten rid of) all of the old decorations and bought new everything. Bulbs, manger ( :wink: ), tree stand, skirt, candle holders, the works. I thought if everyone could just see that I still hung on to the traditions, I wouldn't seem so different than everyone else. So, what went to the Goodwill this year was all of the "old" decorations which hadn't been used in 9 years, and all of the "new" ones too.

    Getting away next year is something that I am working on right now. I'm figuring out how to trade our time share in Mexico for someplace new and different. I'll just have to find my own way to "keep Christmas in my heart."
  13. Congrats on the new point of view Witzend! I'm back here cheering you on. After all, we're all we've got :smile:
  14. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    Now, how cool is that?!?

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Oh and you GOT me babaaaaay! REALLY COOL HUH? HUH? ISN"T IT - IT's cool that you GOT me? HUH?

    Yeah I know you're smiling.