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It's all my fault
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637987" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Your son decided not to keep his welfare. You didn't make that choice for him. If he is using drugs, he is not worried about anything other than the drugs and he will get money, probably illegally, from other sources. That's the drug life, or so my daughter says. It's horrible. That's why she quit. But many don't quit or take longer to quit than sh e did. WHEN they quit is out of our hands. Sending him money won't cure him or motivate him to get help.</p><p></p><p>I would stop looking at his FB. They use FB to torture us. Unfriend him, if you can. Nothing positive comes from the horrible messages they post to us. It just breaks our heart. Interesting that he can afford the internet, but, like I said, they find ways to get money.</p><p></p><p>Did you raise him to take drugs? I think not. If you didn't raise him to be the way he is, he KNOWS how to behave and is choosing to disregard your good parenting advice, like most of our grown kids do. They also tend to be unable to accept responsibility for their lives so they blame us. Your son is typical. They especially are furious when we cut off the money train, as we should. Do we want to contribute to their self-destruction?</p><p></p><p>THIS IS HIS FAULT AND NOBODY ELSE'S. So what if he lies and says it's your fault? If he told you you had black hair and you had red hair would that be true? Would you hair turn black? He is feeding you a load of crapola to make you give him money</p><p></p><p> I am carefully and gently also going to suggest that he is taking more than pot. Pot doesn't make you look like a junkie. Many drugs do, but pot does not change your appearance. I am not trying to scare you...just possibly hoping you can see the truth. Of course, I could be wrong...</p><p></p><p>You can not control anyone but yourself, and that applies to your son. But you can control your reaction to how he behaves. No money is a good start. If he is nearing 30, he is way too old to be living this way and we do them no favors by helping them along. Any change he makes will have to come from inside of him. You can't steer his boat. It's HIS boat. And I don't care if your mother, your father, your auntie, your cousin, your kissing cousin or your best friends, who never lived with this, tell you what to do. Put their advice on "disregard." They are usually very unhelpful. If they criticize what you do, they are not on your side. Detach, detach, detach.</p><p></p><p>Do you have other loved ones, such as a SO or other children or relatives and friends, who you are neglecting because you spend so much time obsessing over this son? Yeah, they suck the air out of our world, if we let them. How about taking care of one very good and deserving person...yourself? Are you in therapy? Twelve Step like Narc-Anon? Al-Anon? Have you done anything nice for yourself lately? YOU MATTER! You can't control your son, but you an learn to detach from his drama and live a good life, even if your son decides to continue to make bad choices. The only other option is to stay overly engaged, get frustratead that we can't help, give up our entire savings and see no return for it, and live in insanity.</p><p></p><p>Is your son still living with you? If so, I'd consider giving him a timeline to leave, since he refuses to help himself. Does he steal from you? Is he abusive toward you? (Nobody should abuse you, even him. That is domestic abuse).</p><p></p><p>There is a good article on detachment at the top of this page. I totally hope you read it and take it to heart.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry and feel so bad about your hurting heart. I hope the great community here can combine to give you some validation and ideas on how to handle this very difficult problem.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637987, member: 1550"] Your son decided not to keep his welfare. You didn't make that choice for him. If he is using drugs, he is not worried about anything other than the drugs and he will get money, probably illegally, from other sources. That's the drug life, or so my daughter says. It's horrible. That's why she quit. But many don't quit or take longer to quit than sh e did. WHEN they quit is out of our hands. Sending him money won't cure him or motivate him to get help. I would stop looking at his FB. They use FB to torture us. Unfriend him, if you can. Nothing positive comes from the horrible messages they post to us. It just breaks our heart. Interesting that he can afford the internet, but, like I said, they find ways to get money. Did you raise him to take drugs? I think not. If you didn't raise him to be the way he is, he KNOWS how to behave and is choosing to disregard your good parenting advice, like most of our grown kids do. They also tend to be unable to accept responsibility for their lives so they blame us. Your son is typical. They especially are furious when we cut off the money train, as we should. Do we want to contribute to their self-destruction? THIS IS HIS FAULT AND NOBODY ELSE'S. So what if he lies and says it's your fault? If he told you you had black hair and you had red hair would that be true? Would you hair turn black? He is feeding you a load of crapola to make you give him money I am carefully and gently also going to suggest that he is taking more than pot. Pot doesn't make you look like a junkie. Many drugs do, but pot does not change your appearance. I am not trying to scare you...just possibly hoping you can see the truth. Of course, I could be wrong... You can not control anyone but yourself, and that applies to your son. But you can control your reaction to how he behaves. No money is a good start. If he is nearing 30, he is way too old to be living this way and we do them no favors by helping them along. Any change he makes will have to come from inside of him. You can't steer his boat. It's HIS boat. And I don't care if your mother, your father, your auntie, your cousin, your kissing cousin or your best friends, who never lived with this, tell you what to do. Put their advice on "disregard." They are usually very unhelpful. If they criticize what you do, they are not on your side. Detach, detach, detach. Do you have other loved ones, such as a SO or other children or relatives and friends, who you are neglecting because you spend so much time obsessing over this son? Yeah, they suck the air out of our world, if we let them. How about taking care of one very good and deserving person...yourself? Are you in therapy? Twelve Step like Narc-Anon? Al-Anon? Have you done anything nice for yourself lately? YOU MATTER! You can't control your son, but you an learn to detach from his drama and live a good life, even if your son decides to continue to make bad choices. The only other option is to stay overly engaged, get frustratead that we can't help, give up our entire savings and see no return for it, and live in insanity. Is your son still living with you? If so, I'd consider giving him a timeline to leave, since he refuses to help himself. Does he steal from you? Is he abusive toward you? (Nobody should abuse you, even him. That is domestic abuse). There is a good article on detachment at the top of this page. I totally hope you read it and take it to heart. I am so sorry and feel so bad about your hurting heart. I hope the great community here can combine to give you some validation and ideas on how to handle this very difficult problem. [/QUOTE]
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