It's been a bad night...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 25, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    First we got the news that a young woman who had bee my sons first girlfriend in middle school died today of a heroin overdose! Heartbreaking news,

    Then we got woken up by the phone which is almost never good. It was my son. He has been relapsing and was caught tonight! I asked him if he had been relapsing all along and he said yes. I asked if he had been playing us and he said yes. He said he is trying to be honest.

    Dang it.

    He is hoping they will give him another chance. I told him he needs to call the treatment center. We will only help through them. We are nothing for another sober house except them. He said he knows that. He said maybe he has to get in touch with bottom again. He said he does not want to be doing this. I told him art of it is knowing he can't do it alone. Apparently he hasn't talked to his sponsor in 2 I said you need to call your sponser...and he said he would do that right now.

    So we shall see....I did know if he was drinking again he would eventually get caught which he did. So he may be on the street again tomorrow! Ugh ugh ugh....but he clearly know we won't prevent that and I am glad he was calling to tell us but was not asking us to do anything.

    I am going to find things to be thankful for thing is he is still alive....
  2. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    So sorry Tough Lovin..That is so sad about the ex..Really tough..
    I am sorry to hear about the relapsing. So disappointing..But it is good that he us leveling with you and trying to get honest. He stated that he does not want to be doing this so he knows he has lost contol to stop and needs help. And it is good that he wants to go..I will pray with you that he makes a good decision and calls the sponsor..and treatment center.
    Your gratitude in this difficult situation inspires me..He is alive and has as much of a shot at making a good decision as not..
    You have done all that you can..
    Take care of yourself.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you....I am still awake...having trouble getting back to sleep. It was good to get your message...I am going to read for awhile hopefully to distract myself to get sleepy?
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh dear TL, I am really sorry. I know how you wanted this to be the time when it was different. The fact that he can be honest with you is big, he knows you will only help through a treatment center. Hopefully the next time he calls will be with a plan for treatment. As Carolita said you have done all you can and more, much more. I know your heart is hurting and I'm thinking of you today and hoping you find some peace.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Nancy. In a strange way I do feel at peace. I know that I was great to him over the phone. I was loving and caring.... I didnt criticise him in any way.... but I was also honest and clear. He knows without a doubt that we love him and I think that matters. Yet he also knows we wont help him get another place to live that is not the treatment center. He has to figure it out. A part of me knew he might be playing us, although I was amazed at how good he is getting at doing it....but I also knew that if he was continuing to drink at the sober house he would get caught and I am glad he finally did.... because that is the way it may stop. So I am sad and disappointed but I am not feeling that angst of what should I do.... I know there is nothing I can do and I am at peace with that.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    TL, I am so sorry for your hardship. It is a difficult road we are all on, lot's of twists and turns. Your posts reveal your strength and courage.
    Your son has admitted to having a problem and attempted treatment. That is good. He has been honest with you, that is something I have not seen for quite some time. So, in the midst of it all, there are some very positive signs here.I hope your son is able to get back to a routine of communicating with his sponsor, and building himself back up towards treatment and recovery. You have done a wonderful job in being honest, clear and loving.

    Wishing you continued strength and peace of mind and heart.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks leafy. Yes he is way ahead of where he has been in the past. He now knows he is an alcoholic (or addict not sure which he identifies as) and admits it. That is huge. And I think he truly does not like what he is doing and wants to stop. I think now he is going to have to face his other issue which is he doesnt like or abide by rules which is why I think he doesnt want to go back to the tx center because it is so restrictive and he has no freedom. We let him do it his way this time... but reality is he needs the structure and I think he is going to need to accept that for him to really stay in recovery. I keep reminding myself not my monkey not my circus (thats the right saying isnt it?)
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    My two have not even seen their paths as a problem yet. I feel you, and am so sorry that your heart is hurting over this relapse.
    From my end, I see your son on the upswing of his journey. He is like a sailboat, tacking upwind. There is bound to be some zigging and zagging. It is very huge, that he admits he has a problem.

    You are so right, definitely, not your circus, not your monkey.

    You have an awesome attitude, and I am emboldened by your strength and peace of mind.

    Thank you so much for sharing. We are all on a tough road together, at different points on the journey.
    I have learned that I have to be on the sidelines for my two, praying and hoping they find their way out of the chains of drug use.

    It is interesting that they balk so at rehab, or shelters, because of the "rules".

    The reality of it is they are imprisoned evermore through their choices and addiction.

    Keep on keepin on, you are strong, and you are doing this. It is a fine example for all of us.

    Thank you so very much.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Relapses are part of recovery. Every millimeter of change is cause for rejoicing.
  10. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    How are you doing?
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Toughlovin I wish you were my Mom. I mean it. My Mom died. I know I cannot replace her. But you did what every one of us would want if we were in tough straits. You empowered with great love. You showed faith in your son, despite the horrible dread in your heart from the loss of his ex girlfriend. What more can any person have done?

    I admire you greatly and feel for you deeply.

    Your son is doing it. I admire him, too. He could have kept playing you, but he did not. That was courageous and honorable. I mean that. When you are falling it is hard to catch hold and tell the truth. He did. To you and to himself.

    I am glad I checked in. You are not the only parent on the board with a kid on the ropes tonight.

    Try to go to sleep with the awareness you are a great mom.

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    Last edited: Nov 26, 2015
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. So he tried to check himself into detox today ( that was confirmed via text from my contact at the txt center). They could not get him in tonight and are going to try and get him in first thing tomorrow then the question was where was a safe place to go? So he was going to hang out at the mall til it closed and then try to hang out at the ER....then he asked if I would get him a room....I knew on one level I shouldn't....but also knew I would sleep better tonight if I did and so I did....he also asked for money for food and I told him I thought he could go hungry til tomorrow. If there was a way he could have bought a snack at the front desk then maybe but I wasn't giving him any access to money to pay for booze. He accepted that and didn't the communication was good. We will see what happens tomorrow. I feel wired at the moment but at least will sleep tonight!
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  13. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Hi Toughlovin',
    I hope you got the rest you needed. This is exhausting, draining stuff..Seems he has a plan and the willingness to do something..what it takes, though, for us to be willing to do the hard work of letting go certainly plays a tole in this.. I admire your courage as much as his. Because it isn't just what is happening right now but all the groundwork you laid by making some very tough decisions all along the way.
    Praying that he will get in today..the uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing is difficult but at least is to a good end..
    Pulling for you both,
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Carolita....yes I hope he gets in today as well..... I think he will. He is in a really different place than the past in that he is admitting he is an alcoholic... and saw this time that his plan to have one drink one time sent him on this path of drinking and lying etc. We have been at this for years, since he was 14.... and it has only been since July he has truly admitted he is an addict and seems to be taking AA seriously. There was a time when I would have had a hard time he would ever get to this place!!! So there is hope.

    And we too have been on our journey figuring out the balance of supporting vs enabling.... and figuring out when to be tough and when not.`