It's been a while....I'm back living in hell!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Wow it has been about a year since I have posted. The site is completely different. Maybe some of you remember me, my difficult child now 17 has been away in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for about a year. She has been home since Frebruary and our lives have been in complete and utter turmoil ever since. I pulled her out of her last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because every time I went to either visit her or pick her up for a home visit she was bruised up, had rug burns or a busted lip due to unprofessional and inappropriate restraints. Long story short I fought like hell to get her out and now she is back in my home with community based services that she just refuses to take part in. She has been completely out of control, violent towards myself and her aunt, she has impulsively gotten 2 tattoos of boys names she met on the interenet (she has never actually met them in person) without my permission. Then again she doesn't get my permission for anything, she basically does whatever she wants!!! She is getting high on marijuana daily, 2 or 3 times a day, she curses us all out horribly almost everyday, she has hit me and her aunt a few times, she is making bad choices, engaging in risky sexual behavior, her mood has been pretty much unstable since she has been home. She has had so many different diagnoses, ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Depression, the most recent being Borderline Personality Disorder, which is the one that is most accurate. I was always iffy about the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis. When I did the research about Borderline it was as though I was reading a story about my daughter, every detail was dead on!!! Pretty scary. She is classic Borderline, I have no doubt about it!!! My question is how on earth do we live like this?? Her therapist seems to think she needs to go back into residential, but the problem with that is: we will go back to court, she will be remanded into a lock down detention center while we look for another appropriate placement, which usually takes up to 4 months, so by the time she actually gets into a facility she will be able to sign herself out 4 months later on her 18th birthday. So what is the point? She could stay in the system and receive services after 18, independent living being one of them. That would be so good for her however she has made it very clear that she will not do so. In the meantime living with her again has been absolute HELL!!!! I dont know how much more I can take. My whole family suffers from this, my 7 year old son has witnessed things that will undeniably affect him long term. He is starting to act out, before she came home he was an angel, now he is starting to show his anger just like her, slamming doors, throwing things, talking back and he has even hit me. This behavior is so not him. He is a good boy, he is just living what he sees. I am at my whits end!!!! I have spent my whole life focusing on helping my daughter gain some stability. For so many years my family's life has revolved around her, she was the sole focus for so many years. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I want my poor son to grow up in peace. He doesn't deserve this hell. What do I do pick one child over another because my difficult child doesn't deserve this either. I hate the emotional roller coaster I am constantly on. I want out and there is no way out, this is it, my life, our lives in hell every day. I pray at night not to wake up the next day. I just cant do this anymore, I dont want to!!!!! Some of you might remember that when my difficult child was away I found out that while on one of her many awols she was raped by 3 men, that destroyed me, I just couldn't function after that, changed my whole world. Well, my wonderful daughter lied about the whole thing!!!! She actually let me and my whole family live for a year thinking she was gang raped only to find out she lied about it to gain sympathy at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That is the absolute worst thing she has ever done to me. When I freaked out about it she actually told me just to get over it and proceeded to curse me out. She just doesn't get the depth of that lie, it was life changing, devastating, she actually let her grandmother, her grandmother!!!, believe that she had been violated. To her its no big deal. What do I do with this child? She is making us all nuts. I go from being so angry and frustrated, hating her, feeling sorry for myself to absolutely loving her from the pits of my soul, and feeling horrible guilt for being angry with her because I know she cant help it. What a life. It *****!!!

    Sorry for the long drawn out story. I just need to vent to people who really mean it when they say "I know what your going through". Unless you live this life you just will never understand how hard it is. So I am so happy to be back on this website, it is so comforting to connect with people who are walking in similar shoes. Thanks for listening. God bless.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Im sorry you had to find us again but glad you are back. This may sound tough but....put her back in the system and then if she signs herself out at 18...let her go. It is her life and she has to make her own decisions now. Maybe in those few months she will hear something to make her decide to stay in independent living when she knows she cant come home again. If not, there are shelters. You and your other family members dont deserve to go through this anymore.

    There is a book about borderlines called something like walking on eggshells. It also has a workbook to go along with it. Get it. I am also borderline and it is a tough diagnosis to deal with but it can be overcome but only if the person who has it wants to get better. I am in therapy weekly and I still have a long way to go but I am not out there trying to hurt people anymore. The only way to protect yourself from a borderline is to put up some strong boundaries.
  3. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I can't imagine what you are going through with a 17 year old. My 12 year old is hard enough - I cringe at the thought of what he will be like at 17.

    I agree with Janet though, you need to do the tough love thing and put her back in the system. You need to look out for your other child. Your 7 year old needs to have a chance at stability and not chaos.

    Best of luck to you and big HUGS.

  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    First let me say hello again, I do remember you. Thank you for responding the way you did, I so appreciate your advise considering you are living with this disorder. I am glad to hear you are doing well and in therapy. You give me great hope for my difficult child. I wanted so badly to hear someone who is living this tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel, so thank you so much for that. Her therapist is in agreement with you, she says put her back in the system and if she signs herself out so be it. So I guess I will give her the option of coming home only if she completes her programs, if she signs herself out of treatment before "the professionals" feel she is ready then she will not be welcome in my home. It will be hard and hurt an awful lot, but I am alot stronger than I used to be. I have learned to detach a little more, trying so hard not to only focus on my daughter. That is very hard considering she demands the attention and the focus of our whole family, living with her again has been hell to say the least. I do feel some hope again after reading your response. Your words have given me a bit of inner peace I so desperately needed. THANK YOU!!!!

    Wishing you the best
    God bless
    Shawna :)
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The book is "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It is excellent, and I higly recommend it to anyone who has a family member who is borderline.

    My Oldest is borderline. I wish I could give you some positive feedback.. but she was kicked out of my house at 19, after her violent tendencies increased. She is now 24, jumps from job to job, living place to living place, man to man. The lies continue, I don't know what to believe any more. She ocasionally admits herself, and gets medications and help, but never follows through with outpatient care. I, too, recently read that sometimes borderlines settle down later in life.. so I have hope, but it seems very distant at the moment. I will say that she is very resilient, and a survivor ... she manages somehow, even though she leaves a trail of drama behind her (and around her and in front of her).

    Tough love is the only thing that keeps me semi-sane, that and journaling about it. I know I cannot live with her, and need to watch my boundaries carefully. Check with your local mental health department about support groups for families of the mentally ill. Visit here. Read as much as you can. Detach as much as you can . Love her, and pray for her.

    Many hugs.
  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    There is also a book called, "New Hope for Parents" or something like that that is very good too. There is a great online support group for parents of children with Borderline (BPD), called NUTS. I think you can easily find it if you google it. My dtr was diagnosed with Borderline (BPD) traits as a teen and she was very challenging--that group helped a lot. But, I sure wish I had found this group at the same time!

    My dtr was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 8 1/2 months and several rehabs as well. She did great in a structured, therapeutic environment but as soon as she was out she regressed. Eventually I had to kick her out--I have a younger dtr and she has been in therapy now for 3 years to deal with the fallout from living with her sister. Her sister was 18 when I kicked her out--I decided her younger sister deserved to be put first for once. I spent so many years trying to help the older one and all my attention was focused on her. I regret doing that.

    I agree with the others--let her go back in the system--time to put the 7 year old first and you definitely need the break! You cannot live like you are anymore.

    I am so sorry about the lies about the rape. My dtr claimed to have been raped twice and I have my doubts about both occurrences. Things just didn't quite add up. She did like all the attention she received from people.

    Keep coming here--it is a great place for support and courage!

  7. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I'm so sorry for the h*** you have been put through. My dtr has BiPolar (BP) tendencies, but never fit the profile fully. She has good days and, luckily, bad the ones aren't as bad and are becoming fewer. I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to run away, change my idenity, and never be heard from again, after dealing with her.

    I've never had to face your choices, but I was thinking what Janet was before I read her response. Your son is probably reacting to the very stressful living situation with difficult child. Poor thing. Plus, his Mom is stressed out to the max.

    I agree with the others, as unsavory as it is, put her back in the system.

    Again, I'm sorry. If people only knew what we go through.

    (((gentle hugs)))
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry I have no advice but am sending many gentle hugs your way. I'm so sorry things are so rough right now.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Welcome back Bran........I think you were BranBran before? I remember you well. I was WeepingWillow, and now Steely. I know, so hard to keep up with.

    None the less I wanted to welcome you back, and let you know that we are here for you. I do not have as much great advice as the others, but you will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers during this horrible time!

    Many hugs.

    Also, you might find some additional support in detaching from our troubled older teen on the PE forum.
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You are so right, I was BranBran before and I do remember you as weepingwillow. :) Thanks for the kind words and it feels good to be back. See you around the site. God bless.
  12. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I'm so sorry you are living with this. I understand the worry about the bruises from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but she is endandering the entire household and the wreckless lifestyle she is living is a harmful to herself as well. You tried all you could to help her and now you have to protect your son and yourself from her behaviors. If she opts to sign herself out of a palcement when she is old enough, then you will have no choice but to detach and let her fend for herself.

    Wishing you peace,