Wow it has been about a year since I have posted. The site is completely different. Maybe some of you remember me, my difficult child now 17 has been away in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for about a year. She has been home since Frebruary and our lives have been in complete and utter turmoil ever since. I pulled her out of her last Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because every time I went to either visit her or pick her up for a home visit she was bruised up, had rug burns or a busted lip due to unprofessional and inappropriate restraints. Long story short I fought like hell to get her out and now she is back in my home with community based services that she just refuses to take part in. She has been completely out of control, violent towards myself and her aunt, she has impulsively gotten 2 tattoos of boys names she met on the interenet (she has never actually met them in person) without my permission. Then again she doesn't get my permission for anything, she basically does whatever she wants!!! She is getting high on marijuana daily, 2 or 3 times a day, she curses us all out horribly almost everyday, she has hit me and her aunt a few times, she is making bad choices, engaging in risky sexual behavior, her mood has been pretty much unstable since she has been home. She has had so many different diagnoses, ADHD, Bi-Polar Disorder, Conduct Disorder, Depression, the most recent being Borderline Personality Disorder, which is the one that is most accurate. I was always iffy about the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis. When I did the research about Borderline it was as though I was reading a story about my daughter, every detail was dead on!!! Pretty scary. She is classic Borderline, I have no doubt about it!!! My question is how on earth do we live like this?? Her therapist seems to think she needs to go back into residential, but the problem with that is: we will go back to court, she will be remanded into a lock down detention center while we look for another appropriate placement, which usually takes up to 4 months, so by the time she actually gets into a facility she will be able to sign herself out 4 months later on her 18th birthday. So what is the point? She could stay in the system and receive services after 18, independent living being one of them. That would be so good for her however she has made it very clear that she will not do so. In the meantime living with her again has been absolute HELL!!!! I dont know how much more I can take. My whole family suffers from this, my 7 year old son has witnessed things that will undeniably affect him long term. He is starting to act out, before she came home he was an angel, now he is starting to show his anger just like her, slamming doors, throwing things, talking back and he has even hit me. This behavior is so not him. He is a good boy, he is just living what he sees. I am at my whits end!!!! I have spent my whole life focusing on helping my daughter gain some stability. For so many years my family's life has revolved around her, she was the sole focus for so many years. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I want my poor son to grow up in peace. He doesn't deserve this hell. What do I do pick one child over another because my difficult child doesn't deserve this either. I hate the emotional roller coaster I am constantly on. I want out and there is no way out, this is it, my life, our lives in hell every day. I pray at night not to wake up the next day. I just cant do this anymore, I dont want to!!!!! Some of you might remember that when my difficult child was away I found out that while on one of her many awols she was raped by 3 men, that destroyed me, I just couldn't function after that, changed my whole world. Well, my wonderful daughter lied about the whole thing!!!! She actually let me and my whole family live for a year thinking she was gang raped only to find out she lied about it to gain sympathy at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC). That is the absolute worst thing she has ever done to me. When I freaked out about it she actually told me just to get over it and proceeded to curse me out. She just doesn't get the depth of that lie, it was life changing, devastating, she actually let her grandmother, her grandmother!!!, believe that she had been violated. To her its no big deal. What do I do with this child? She is making us all nuts. I go from being so angry and frustrated, hating her, feeling sorry for myself to absolutely loving her from the pits of my soul, and feeling horrible guilt for being angry with her because I know she cant help it. What a life. It *****!!! Sorry for the long drawn out story. I just need to vent to people who really mean it when they say "I know what your going through". Unless you live this life you just will never understand how hard it is. So I am so happy to be back on this website, it is so comforting to connect with people who are walking in similar shoes. Thanks for listening. God bless.