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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 668690" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Tymica, so sorry that things didn't change for you and your son and you find yourself back here needing to vent. I encourage you to read through the pages of this site to learn from others stories and reap their experience, knowledge and support to help you travel this impossible journey YOU did not buy a ticket for.</p><p></p><p>There is an article on detachment that is extremely helpful-please read it.</p><p></p><p>No one can tell you what to do, how to feel. We all know the heartache, pain and turmoil difficult adult children cause in our lives.</p><p></p><p>There are pages and pages of stories similar to yours.</p><p></p><p>I think the overall theme with this is that while we pine away over our adult addicted children, they manipulate and use this to their advantage. It has been said addicts and homeless have a code. I know it all too well. They will be loyal to each other, because they help each other remain in the throes of addiction. The next high trumps EVERYTHING. As you have found, family members become targeted, because we love them, want to help them. The thanks we get is written in your post, lying, stealing, months with no contact, it leaves us to go through so much heartache and self examination.</p><p></p><p>What did we do as parents to cause this? We can go through our history and know we made mistakes, because we are only human. Addicts will use our love and our guilt to get back into our homes and our hearts over and over again. Some parents see it for what it is and get tough. This toughness is the absolute key to helping addicted adult children face the world and their place in it. The longer we put up with their charades, the longer they stay addicted, ruining their lives and <em>OURS.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You have a 10 year old little girl who has much to look forward to. Her brother is on his own path and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. He is an adult and will make his choices. You cannot control this.</p><p></p><p>We learned the hard way, and in the meantime our son was robbed of a peaceful home. He is now 14 and a kind, sensitive old soul. He has been personally ripped off too, not only of material things, but TIME. While our hearts ached for our older adult children and grandchildren, we spent years trying to "help", we did not see what was being taken from him. That is something I must live with and apologize to him over and over "I am so sorry son that we went through this and that it took away from your childhood." We circled on the "drama go round" and tried our best to be there for him, but in reality, he was the one who really got the raw deal. How could we be the best parents possible for him, when we were so entrenched with our difficult ADULT children, going through the constant roller coaster ride? </p><p></p><p>Our adult children had a good life with us as kids, sure we made mistakes but we gave our all. They had their time with us, and were supposed to be on their feet making their own way. They came back time and again, sad stories, promises, needs, tugging at our heart strings. Every single time, it turned out wrong, lying, stealing, partying, inviting friends over while we were working, damaging our house etc.etc.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My heart goes out to you. You have not turned your back on him. The choices he makes are his and his alone. It is NOT healthy to continue a relationship with anyone, adult children included, who mistreat us. It is not healthy for our little children to watch this unfold and see that Mom will lay down as a rug and be trampled on.</p><p></p><p>"What you allow, is what will continue."</p><p></p><p>Please consider your daughter, and her right to a peaceable home, her need for her mothers attention, care and love. You are teaching her through your actions and reactions. It is important for us as mothers, to show our children how to stand up for themselves, by how we care for ourselves, by being respectful and at the same time expecting the respect parents deserve.</p><p></p><p>It is so hard to see our children go through this. Honestly, do you think your son cares what you are going through? He doesn't. He cares about partying. There is nothing you can say or do to stop it. As a Mom, you want the best for him, as an adult, he has to want the best for himself.</p><p></p><p>Please continue to post and vent. There are others who will share. We all have similar stories, some have been down this road several times, have learned much and offer sound advice. I hope today is a better day for you</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 668690, member: 19522"] Hi Tymica, so sorry that things didn't change for you and your son and you find yourself back here needing to vent. I encourage you to read through the pages of this site to learn from others stories and reap their experience, knowledge and support to help you travel this impossible journey YOU did not buy a ticket for. There is an article on detachment that is extremely helpful-please read it. No one can tell you what to do, how to feel. We all know the heartache, pain and turmoil difficult adult children cause in our lives. There are pages and pages of stories similar to yours. I think the overall theme with this is that while we pine away over our adult addicted children, they manipulate and use this to their advantage. It has been said addicts and homeless have a code. I know it all too well. They will be loyal to each other, because they help each other remain in the throes of addiction. The next high trumps EVERYTHING. As you have found, family members become targeted, because we love them, want to help them. The thanks we get is written in your post, lying, stealing, months with no contact, it leaves us to go through so much heartache and self examination. What did we do as parents to cause this? We can go through our history and know we made mistakes, because we are only human. Addicts will use our love and our guilt to get back into our homes and our hearts over and over again. Some parents see it for what it is and get tough. This toughness is the absolute key to helping addicted adult children face the world and their place in it. The longer we put up with their charades, the longer they stay addicted, ruining their lives and [I]OURS.[/I] You have a 10 year old little girl who has much to look forward to. Her brother is on his own path and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. He is an adult and will make his choices. You cannot control this. We learned the hard way, and in the meantime our son was robbed of a peaceful home. He is now 14 and a kind, sensitive old soul. He has been personally ripped off too, not only of material things, but TIME. While our hearts ached for our older adult children and grandchildren, we spent years trying to "help", we did not see what was being taken from him. That is something I must live with and apologize to him over and over "I am so sorry son that we went through this and that it took away from your childhood." We circled on the "drama go round" and tried our best to be there for him, but in reality, he was the one who really got the raw deal. How could we be the best parents possible for him, when we were so entrenched with our difficult ADULT children, going through the constant roller coaster ride? Our adult children had a good life with us as kids, sure we made mistakes but we gave our all. They had their time with us, and were supposed to be on their feet making their own way. They came back time and again, sad stories, promises, needs, tugging at our heart strings. Every single time, it turned out wrong, lying, stealing, partying, inviting friends over while we were working, damaging our house etc.etc. My heart goes out to you. You have not turned your back on him. The choices he makes are his and his alone. It is NOT healthy to continue a relationship with anyone, adult children included, who mistreat us. It is not healthy for our little children to watch this unfold and see that Mom will lay down as a rug and be trampled on. "What you allow, is what will continue." Please consider your daughter, and her right to a peaceable home, her need for her mothers attention, care and love. You are teaching her through your actions and reactions. It is important for us as mothers, to show our children how to stand up for themselves, by how we care for ourselves, by being respectful and at the same time expecting the respect parents deserve. It is so hard to see our children go through this. Honestly, do you think your son cares what you are going through? He doesn't. He cares about partying. There is nothing you can say or do to stop it. As a Mom, you want the best for him, as an adult, he has to want the best for himself. Please continue to post and vent. There are others who will share. We all have similar stories, some have been down this road several times, have learned much and offer sound advice. I hope today is a better day for you (((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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