It's been a while...........

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello everyone! I am sorry I have not been on in so long, I have just been trying so hard to stay as detached as possible! But, I often think of all of you! I have been missing the support from the board an awful lot lately!!! It really does help to connect with others who are living in a familiar sadness!!! I hope in my absence there have been many positive things going on for all of you! I have to catch up and do some post reading! I, unfortunately do not have a positive update. Things are still crazy here!!!

    I'm not even sure what my last posted said. My daughter is in the County Jail, has been for about 6 months. As crazy as it sounds, it is a blessing in disguise! As some of you may remember, she was living on the streets, doing horrible things to herself to get by! She was found sleeping in the Port Authority bus depot in Manhattan. The officer thought she looked young and called me to confirm that she was indeed 18. I explained the situation to him, he called an ambulance and had her brought to a hospital for evaluation hoping to have her hospitalized, to no avail of course. So he then ran her name and she had a warrant! Thank God for small favors and thank God for his concern! She was transferred up here and taken to the County Jail. She was given 80 days and would have been home a long time ago however, she has been so out of control in there she now has two additional charges! Felonies, at that! She assaulted two Correctional Officers. She sliced one in the face with a broken mirror and choked another!!! Yeah, nothing has changed!!! So, she is now facing 3-5years in state prison!!! When her lawyer first told me that my knees went weak, I was in shock and terrified for her! But, now that I have had time to ponder this, I am thinking that would be a blessing! I actually want her to do the time as it would keep her alive and off the streets!!! We went to court yesterday and her lawyer seems to think the DA is willing to drop down the charges from felonies to misdemeanors. If that is the case she won't be going upstate or doing 3-5 years. She will be released around summer time! UGH!!! I am dreading her release!!! I cannot deal with life when she is missing and there is no doubt in my mind that she will take off again to live in the gutter!!! She just seems to gravitate to the streets!!! I will never understand it! She still refuses her medications and is still very much in denial about being mentally ill! No progress here!

    Meanwhile, while she has been incarcerated I have been really doing quite well personally! When you live as I do just knowing where your child is every night makes all the difference! I have really come a long way! I have been taking care of me and it feels GREAT! I lost about 45 pounds, dye my hair regularly again, wear make up, shop for new clothes, just really having fun being a "girl" again! LOL My husband and I have really reconnected! We have date night every Friday, though it's usually at home as we can barely afford to pay the rent these days, but so much fun nonetheless! We send the kids downstairs to my sister's house, turn on the music, have a few drinks and sing and dance around like goofballs! Our sex life has improved immensely! The spark is back! I am so afraid that I will regress right back into the darkness once my daughter is released! I absolutely dread that day! It is so hard to see your child in the back of a police van, in cuffs, on a chain gang, but it is MUCH harder to not know where she is or what she is doing, or even if she is alive!!! There is no doubt in my mind that once she gets out she will leave my house and go right back to the streets! I am terrified of that. I can't even articulate the words that can describe what that feels like and how hard it is on me! I am so afraid that she is going to go right back to the life she was living before, in the gutter, with pimps and drug addicts! My heart cannot take that again. The worst part is that I KNOW it's coming and there isn't a damn thing that I can do to prevent it!!! So, I am just trying my best to just stay in the moment, take it one day at a time and enjoy the peace and emotional freedom I have now!

    And that's it in a nutshell! Please forgive me for staying away for so long, but please know that you all have been in my thoughts and in my heart the ENTIRE time!

  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Shawna}}} It's so good to hear from you! I'm sorry that difficult child has continued down this destructive path but it's good that you are developing some detachment and have learned to live again. {{{Hugs}}}
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, good for you for finding some happiness. Even if it is temporary you can use it to lift you up again when times are harder.

    I hope she can find a way to accept treatment.
  4. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    [FONT=&quot]Thanks for the update. I have often wondered what was happening. Your strength has inspired me and has helped me get through some rough times. I pray it get better, and that you develop the ability to enjoy your life regardless of your daughter's choices. But I also know how hard that is. [/FONT]
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    Great to hear from you!!! Is your daughter receiving any medications ?
    My daughter has same diagnosis as yours. Today she is doing OK, it really varies a lot day to day. She ran away after a pass from the hospital, since July though we have put a treatment team in place:behavioral antalystk,pyscologist, family therapist, and the same psychiatrist seh has been with since Spet. 2008. She is medication adherent. She lives with her boygriend and antoehr guy about a half an hour from here. I saw her today like I do each riday,she is doing better about stayign in limits iwth grocieries. We went tothe Humane Sociiety today, she will begin vlounterring there again on Wed. She is making progress in her 11th grade classes. The major thing with my daughter was the medication stabilization, We ahve had to pay her to take medications but the change is inctredible. Today she drove the car and did great.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I wondered what happened to you and our girl. I have kept her in our prayers at home and think of you all often. Sometimes it's a good thing to take a break, but I'm glad you popped in for the update. You sound marvelous. Your writing is upbeat and you're chipper and happy. I'm very pleased about the weight loss too. Good for you girley-girl.

    Please keep us updated on your daughters progress and whereabouts. You're part of this family you know. Even if you do just pop in whenever - lol.

    Glad to hear you're cheek to cheek with the hubby too. :surprise:

    Hugs & Love
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Shawna, thanks so much for posting this update. i
    I've been wondering how you and your family have been faring. Sorry that your difficult child continues her destructive ways. Perhaps while she's inside you and husband can take the time to make a detachment plan of sorts. Something that will help all of you keep from sliding back into bad old ways when difficult child does get out. If you change the way you react to her it might not change her behaviour but it will keep you from being dragged down too.

    Sending many hugs my friend.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Shawna, I'm glad that she is safe and sound. I hope that she will find her way. I'm glad that you are also becoming your own person again. It is a blessing.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, wow, I love that you are taking care of yourself and have reconnected with your husband. Wasn't the world different when we were all newlyweds?
    I am so sorry about your daughter. I don't know what it will take for her to see the light and use the help that is offered her.
    I am so sorry for that, and understand your dread.
    Thank you for the update.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm really glad you updated us- many of us have worried about you and how things were going. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is still struggling but I think you have a point- if she's not ready or willing to deal with her life responsibly, maybe it's best that she is incarcerated.

    I'm wondering if you can throw out ideas to her defense attny before she goes to court. I can do this with my son's defense attny but he's still a minor. Courts have the option of requiring drug treatment, mental health treatment, a work program (where they work during the day but retturn to the jail at night or else go to prison), a half-way house, etc. Maybe under the circumstances she would sign an agreement allowing you to talk with her attny and discuss some of these things- if she thought you'd refuse her return home otherwise.

    As far as you, and you and husband- that is wonderful news!! Personally, I'd rather have those date nights home instead of out on the town if I had to choose one over the other and couldn't have both! But what you are doing for yourself is really great! If difficult child ends up coming home or back on the streets, I'm sure the stress of it all will send things backwards some but still this investment in yourself and your and husband's investment in the relationship will be stronger and it might not end up as bad as things were before. You have a stronger foundation now- as an individual and as a couple. That is the main thing!
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so much for the encouragement! No matter how long I stay away, it always feels like home coming back!!! I think I might just stay around for a while this time! :)

    I hope you all are doing well. I will be doing a lot of reading so that I can catch up with all of you. Hopefully I will find you all in a good place!!!
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, I'm so glad to hear from you! I've been wondering how you were doing. Keeping you and yours in my prayers...
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's so good to hear from you. I'm so glad you are taking care of you and that the spark is back in your marriage. Continued prayers for your difficult child. Many hugs.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thank you so much for checking in. I think of you often, and our board is not the same without you and your input.
    I am so sorry that Bran is still on the same destructive path. Does jail offer any sort of therapy, classes, or medication adjustment that she can benefit from?
    Many hugs and prayers are being sent your way....and Brans.
    And don't stay a stranger girl!
    We love you!
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2010
  15. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    I am glad you are taking care of yourself and having some fun

    I recently went to the dentist after an absence of 5yrs and for the first time ever ,said out straight that I did not always have time for myself
    because of my handicapped son and all the work that goes into the whole
    thing. I seldom admit this.
    He kindly answered that we often do not get the package we thought
    we signed up true

    I 'Lurk' here regularly and each post is of interest to me though I dont
    always have an answer. It is the loveliness of being allowed lurk when needed
    that is such a special part of this thoughts are with you all
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh girl...I have missed you!

    So sorry Bran is still being Bran. Maybe one day she will wake up and be who she can really be. It may take time locked up. It does for some. I have a brother in law who was a drunk and wouldnt stop until he drove drunk and had a wreck and killed his best friend. He went to jail for 5 years and now he is as sober as a church mouse and doing well. Sad it took that to wake him up but it did.

    Good to hear all the rest of life is looking up!
  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thanks all!!! I have missed all of you and think about all of you all of the time!!!

    To answer some of the questions:

    She is able to stay in the psychiatric. ward section of the Jail, I spoke to the director, but she refuses to do so and he cannot force her there. She refuses to take her medications and they cannot force her to do that either! There is no type of therapy in the regular part of the Jail, so she isn't receiving any! If she were to get sentenced to state time she would receive treatment. She spends 23 hours a day locked in her cell because she is so out of control!!! Which is a catch 22 cause I know they have to keep her and the other inmates, as well as the staff safe, but they are only enraging her more!!! I just keep reminding myself she is in JAIL, not a therapeutic placement!!! They just don't care! I have thought about writing a letter to the judge and the DA or even requesting a meeting, but her lawyer says that would not work and they just don't care. It's not like when she was in the court system where I live, they actually wanted to help her and really worked with me to do what was best for her. On one hand, I am frustrated, but on the other I feel as though she is going to just have to deal with the consequences of her actions! I used to be so engrossed in saving her and picking up her pieces!!! I have since grown a bit and now realize that I have already done EVERYTHING that I possibly could to save her. She has to live in her shoes and she is the one who is going to have to change her own life. If and when she is ready to do so then I will go the ends of the earth for her, but only if she is willing to join me!!! I only hope that I can keep this outlook when she gets out! That will be my true test. It's easy to be among the living when I know where she is and know that she is safe and alive. It's when she is out there in the gutter that sucks the life out of me. I get swallowed by the worry and despair, sucked in by the sadness of it all!!! But, like I said, I am just trying to take it day by day, stay in the moment and enjoy the peace while I have it!

    (((HUGS))) to you all!!! :)