It's been a while....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Tiapet, Feb 20, 2013.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I try not to post too much "down" stuff or things that are going on around here. I'd rather stick to the things I can post in watercooler or being supportive but there is just a tad too much going on lately with this household. For this post's purpose it's the 2 younger difficult child's.

    First it's ms. queen. Where the heck to begin with her? It's like the Tasmanian devil's tornado's wake where everything gets all caught up in the billowy mess of the wind. So much is always going on from day to day with her. I'll start with school. She's failing SPED math! How the heck do you fail a small, specialized math class where your work load is very small and if you even mess up on the problems you're given the opportunity to keep fixing them until you get it right? Well, easy. You just DON'T DO THE WORK at all! Yup, that's exactly what's she's doing. I know that math is and has always been her worst subject but in this case the work is far below the normal type they are expected to do in a regular classroom. I mean the level of the subject material. We're not sure exactly what her deficits are and she has been tested over and over again. She does struggle with short term memory and concept for problem solving (which crosses borders all through out everyday life). Other then that we just can't figure out what it is she can't grasp to actually DO the math. In previous years we had identified she couldn't make change out of money (not sure if that still holds true with all types of denominations), she still can't quite tell time unless it's a digital clock. If it's the old style with numbers and round and you say to her "twenty of twelve" she doesn't get it, she "might" get it if you say "quarter to an hour." Things like this. Her best subject was and has always been reading/vocabulary but she's not doing well in that either suddenly. No, she's at times not doing the work but at other times her grades are really low.

    She wants to go to school everyday for the social outlet as she IS a social butterfly and always has been but at the same time she doesn't get social ques at all and has had problems with kids making fun of her and bullying both in school and on the bus. We have dealt with it with the principal and guidance but of course they are not "really" helpful over all. Problem also lies in that she instigates or reciprocates it because....."she doesn't get it" as in she doesn't always understand what she is doing. Other times she has just had enough and won't sit there and take it anymore (I can't say as I blame her as it's gone on for so many years). She has NO interest in graduating and doesn't care if she does. Unfortunately THIS is not new and really has nothing to do with the above situation either. It's long standing. Again, she doesn't grasp the concept of how graduating effects the rest of your life! Oh and add in her defiance in having boyfriends at school (she is in no way ready in any shape to handle a relationship). She keeps serial dating one right after another (often right in same day of getting dumped). They say bad stuff about her, talk about how she "acts". The latest one dummped her on Valentines Day by presenting her with a dead rose in school, telling her that's what he thinks or her! I hurt FOR her and of course it effected her badly but she didn't even understand what it meant! :(

    Every day she has some kind of ailment going on with her. Real or imagined. Sometimes it's had to do with medications. Whether it's been a reaction to a new medication (most often) or as in the last several days, she developed reactions to just refusing to take her Trazadone because she felt she didn't need to take it because she was "too tired" anyway and didn't need it to help her sleep. Well you can't just STOP taking that medication, especially at her level. You have to titrate down or you start having all kinds of strange things happening to her (and thereby kids notice and have much to say). I can't FORCE the pill down her throat and I'm not suppose to. Oh, and a couple nights ago she woke us up at 130a screaming in pain, literally. Normally I would dismiss it because she is high drama with her hypochondria but this time I instinctively felt it to be real. I get up get dressed (a really big feat in itself for me) and off to the ER we go. Of course once there she pulls her usually stand against the wall and REFUSE to let anyone touch her or get treatment. It took 30 minutes of cajoling, begging and explaining, etc to her of what "could" happen if she doesn't allow someone to check her out to be treated (we suspected at that time appendicitis). Thankfully it turned out just to be a case of really bad gas and a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI).

    The school is repeatedly trying to toss her into an emotionally disturbed school which I and her case worker have discussed at great length long before they even started throwing the idea out. For her this would be a big mistake and disastrous as she really doesn't fit the profile/criteria of it. She is very much a copy cat of behaviors. For example her cutting. She started that and only did that because some others did (her sister and 2 other girls at school). She did it superficially and ONLY to GAIN attention from it. Cutters do NOT go around SHOWING their cuts. They keep it hidden. She blatantly was going around showing hers off and trying to gain sympathy from people for doing it. Once she didn't get it, she immediately stopped! Think of any negative behavior and pretty much this is what she's done and if not will do (smoking pot, etc...). We do not need to place her in a situation were there are all kinds of NEW things for her to learn with her behaviors to try out and use. Secondly, she does not talk (as in like therapy) so nothing will be gained from it either. It would be a complete waste of time. We also talked about putting her in a partial program. Much the same in that she has to be a participant and talk, she won't! So now the school is switching tactics and "setting" her up per say in many ways to push her there. One of the things they recently did (and on 1 level they have done this before) is write her up for going to her bus early. She had been granted this permission from the freshman Vice principal earlier in the school year due to all the bullying on the bus. Now all of a sudden they asked me who gave her permission. At the time they asked me I didn't know. They had to check into it. I told them ask the principal. I'm assuming they did that and he said he didn't so she got written up? Not quite sure how it all played out other then she came home mad/upset and I asked her who gave the permission and if she spoke up about it and she said she did! Guess he is now going back on giving his word?!

    We finally got her MRI done of her brain but it show nothing. Of course it was just a basic non contrast MRI and not the specialize neuro metric mapping one someone on here suggested either. I was told they don't have that available around here. She's had a sleep deprived EEG too. Nothing. Now the Neurologist is talking of doing a long term EEG over the summer since she's been dizzy, her balance is off, she stares off into space and is "out of it" often and....get this (this is a new one on me) her hallucinations of seeing cats can actually be a manifestation of seizures! I had never heard that one before. She is also very frequently smelling smells that no one else is smelling. I mean like several times a day and often within minutes of the last smell. It drives us crazy sometimes the way she carries on about some smell because there is no smell like what she is complaining about.

    I feel badly for her because she's almost 16 and on some level has the mind/feelings of one that age but her behaviors and everything else is nearly that of someone who is between 3-maybe 10 if we are lucky, depending on what area and specifically what we are talking about. That's her functioning and cognitively she just doesn't get much of anything. It's really, really strange. Oh and let's not forget about her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)! OMGosh! Between her control issues added into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which manifests in her thoughts as well.....ey yi yi ya! This difficult child is a complex mess.... :(

    So if that's not enough, I have mr. busy. He's failing all his core classes. There is just NO reason for him doing so. This kid is more then capable of A's, B's. If not all a's and probably could even do advanced work in some sujects, notably social studies based on his state testing scores. He has no interest in school, at least THIS particular school. He wants to go to STEm next year but you have to be chosen (no criteria). He does have bullying issues too but nothing like other difficult child and he just tends to internalize and bring home rather quietly for the most part and we can actually work with the VP of his school and get things worked out...WHEN he actually tells us there is a problem! Some of the other consistent issues we keep having with him is the stealing of the girls bras. He just won't quit and will blatant deny he's doing it (no reason still for doing it ever given) even when we prove to him their in his room! He constantly is yelling instead of talking at all times. Often flies into a rage on a drop of a hat. No reasons. The newest issue is that he keeps circumventing the parental controls on his cell phone.

    Now he's not doing anything particularly bad when he turns off the controls. He does it to download and install GTA game (grand theft auto) which he's not allowed due to content (maybe I'm wrong for not allwowing it but he's just 14). He keeps finding ways around it. It's at the point now that we actually just give him the phone back as he TELLS us HOW he's doing it, to which we feed back to the program inventors so they can fix the program to make it more secure. We as adults don't think like children and sure, we could take the phone and try all kinds of things but...we don't think like them so it's kind of like win win situation....we're helping them learn how to secure it for everyone else and our difficult child and he doesn't even realize it as his only goal is to get the phone back! lol So....while it's not ideal that he's "getting away" with doing wrong in what he's doing repeatedly by trying to keep getting this game, we're also learning how to prevent him in the long run of ever doing it again! (and other families for other things).

    That's about it in a nutshell. It's more then enough. Though it's not the ONLY things going on in our little world here, it's what I'm dealing with with the difficult children on TOP of older difficult child's issues and the cancer situation with step father and my mom and what they are going through.

    Vent over......
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    *HUGS* honey. Got no advice for you, just lots of support.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs. You definitely have your hands full.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Vent away...we're always here for you. I truly sympathize with you. :groan:
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Tiapet, wow, I see shades of my son in your son! Both with-the parental control know-how and the bras. OMG. He's a handful (I hate that expression; it's so lame, but he is really Mr. Busy!)

    Drama Queen ... wow. I am speechless. I have no idea how I would handle her. After reading your note, two things stand out. One is that between the smells and seeing cats and being dizzy and zoning out, I agree that she may be having seizures. I would definitely have that tested.
    The other thing is, oh, poor thing! ... being presented a dead rose on Valentine's Day. Was there any way you could comfort her or did she just run in and slam the door? Kids are so mean.

    Many hugs.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry tia. I dont know what to say but I do tend to want to give some type of help if I can. I remember something from the back of my mind when another member's son was having issues with money. I believe it was the Goodwill's educational site that had a program to help people who were developmentally delayed enough to have trouble with money. I believe it was a pretty good online program...or maybe it was something to print out. I cant remember this long ago. Im sure you can find it.
  7. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Terry, she didn't exactly run in and slam door but never wants help when offered. Just likes to complain and be miserable. I did report it to the guidane counselor though as it took place in school. I know they don't really get involved in relationship issues but my thinking is 2 fold on it. First is that perhaps he could talk to this kid and maybe say hey, you could have done this more appropriate as to not directly try to hurt someone's feelings so badly (isn't that their job? I mean it really felt like a bullying type thing). The other thing I wondered and pointed out to him is that difficult child, with her serial dating is very strange. It's almost as if there is a line up of boys just waiting to date her. You know like there is a contest or underground thing going on to date her and see who can dump her in mean ways and upset her (school pretty much knows she has issues based on her behaviors as everyone makes comments on how she acts "odd"). I even said this exact wording to the guidance counselor that it felt like there was some kind of contest with these boys on who was next and how they were going to dump her as it's progressively getting worse each time in how they are doing it! Each time they will tell her how she is odd or a freak and then some other mean thing in dumping her. She's not allowed to date at all but she does this at school behind my back. She is very well developed (overly actually) for her age however she is not promiscuous and just recently had her first kiss only (if you call it that). So I know that they aren't "getting anything" anything from her, though who knows what kind of nasty rumors they may be spreading? She just doesn't "get it", or anything when she's been spoken to about relationships, etc...She just won't stop. She craves attention so badly. She's even turned to girls also! Now I don't believe for one minute her she gets true feelings towards them (unlike older difficult child). In this house it wouldn't matter because we are open thinkers and accepting anyway.

    Funny thing in a good way but it's not going well now, is that once we put her back on the Prozac for the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) control it is working and helping all the different manifestations of that including her eating issues. But not, she's NOT eating much. I do make it a point, and it's become a battle, that at dinner time she must eat a little and be balanced. It truly is a LITTLE but she MUST eat! She has dropped a bit of weight (I'll find out the # today) from being like this so now we may be going anorexic versus her binge/hoarding issue we had! I worry about that as my sister was anorexic for years. I know all the issues surrounding that so I try to be very careful of it. In difficult child's case she is very big into control but I also know that this is now medication causing the opposite effect since it's able to shut off her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thinking of it. She "most" times is compliant and will eat what I ask of her, I just can't be sure she is actually eating the prepared lunch she takes to school (she won't eat school lunch and never has). I am reasonably sure she does as it's "good" stuff in her eyes bordering on junk type stuff (nutello on cinnamon flavored fish shaped bread -you can buy this! a fruit cereal bar, some sort of cookie or little debbie cake and often crackers/goldfish and or fruit/fruit roll up, and then a bottle of water she puts mio stuff in). All things she loves! So lunch may not be the "greatest" as it has more empty calories then not but she's a teen girl and I think it's a reasonable one for her and she doesn't eat all that at once. She will eat cereal bar either on bus to school or some point during school morning and the other snacks she will pick at during day.

    A little back history now on mr. busy. He doesn't like getting showers (unless he is on a mission to get in trouble with big plastic garbage bag in there, don't ask!). If I'm lucky I get him in every other day mandatorily. Once in a while it might be the 3rd day but I'm pretty strict on this. I buy him his own shampoo and conditioner, he has to used head and shoulders due to dandruff, his own body wash and deodorant (he only likes axe!). While I can't garauntee he is faithful about putting on the deodorant I know at least has it and at times does use it. The issue becomes changing of clothes if I don't catch him and more specifically his zippered sweatshirt! He has 5-6 of these so there is no reason he can't change out everyday as laundry is done almost daily too. He is one of these kids that no matter the weather he feels "safe/comfortable" wearing the zippered up sweatshirt at all times. Sooooo....I am so angry as his is worker. His case manager for SPED at school met with his worker a couple of days ago after worker had been sitting with mr busy talking. Mr busy got up out of the chair and went back to class and SPED case manager sat down in chair and made a comment about the smell of BO. Worker told the case manager that it was one of the many issues we have been working on with difficult child as well as many of his other clients. That simple, nothing more or less. She then asked if he wanted her to say anything to him. He said he thought that hygiene would have long been covered in one of many classes at school by now, which I know it has.

    So that afternoon difficult child comes home really angry at me and says "thanks to you and worker Sped case manager gave me these" (not sure if in front of anyone or pulled him aside. It was a can and a stick deodorant! Apparently the case manager also told him that worker told difficult child that he doesn't take showers or use deodorant, which is NOT what was ever said nor something I ever said to Sped person! Worker is irate as it jeopardizes the client trust relationship too, which it does. It takes time to establish such a thing and for this case manager to do something like this is just wrong and to state these words that were never said by either of us was also blatant lies to difficult child. She didn't even ask worker if difficult child took showers, how often, if he used deodorant or had a problem with it, nothing. For all she didn't know, he could have had a medical issue with BO and she just made him feel awful!

    Oh and get this, his math teacher sent me a request from the schools email address to be part of her "professional network" on linked in! First of all "professional network"? Ummm no! This is teacher/parent not professional, secondly I am disabled and do not work therefor no "profession" to claim really and finally, this is a class he is failing and with a teacher whom I have never saw eye to eye with and she does not work well with me on anything. Why is she asking for this???? I'm of the conspiracy thinking mode and wondering just what is she up to? Did she think somehow she would connect on there and go digging around through connections or something? Maybe not but it's just REALLY strange!! To say the least.

    I've really had it with this school. The ONLY person I like there is the VP that actually helps us. There has been so many issues there. I can't wait for May and to be done with it!

    If I thought I could somehow do homeschooling or another kind of schooling for Ms. Queen I would only she is definitely one who NEEDS social outlets that school gives her (mr. busy does not but I know he gains benefits for having it).

    I have to manage to the end of the year. I know it will begin again next year but I'm at my limit for this year already. Step dad's surgery is the 28th. We find out the extent and stage he is at then. They've told us it is confined to the Bladder for now but he has "several" areas of it in there. That's partial good news. However it can still be at a bad stage. :(

    My mother is being her difficult self, as she has been for life. I try to bite my tongue a lot. I think she's actually gotten a lot worse then she used to be but since I didn't "live" with her I didn't know it. There are just things you find out when you start living with people. Like how much complaining she does over everything. Unless she does the cooking, nothing is ever right as far as taste, consistency, how it's made, etc.! And if she does the cooking, well then she complains how SHE HAD to cook! Ugh...can't win. Oh and timing of when we eat. She wants to eat around 5 which is impossible in this house, absolutely impossible. If we happen to end up eating as late as 8, well then she won't eat at all and complain about that when she is free to make herself anything she'd like from the food in the house but she won't. It's just crazy. It's like....I'm not going to do anything to fix the problem that I can because I'd rather complain about it. I don't understand that concept, do you?

    And the absolute worst thing that is happening that bothers me she is so down on my step dad because he's "not there for her because afterall, she's going through this too" she says things like, if you die I'm still going to be here and have to deal with it (that just sounds awful to someone who could potentially die to me)....which he IS there for her all the time but because he doesn't want to talk, talk, talk, talk about it non-stop this is how she feels. If anything she's not being there for him with all her whining and complaining. He retreats off to a quiet area, even comes by me to avoid her! LOL I gave them each a number for them to get support. Him for one on one and her one on one to talk about all this and what they are going through as well as group cancer support.

    I really think that beyond BiPolar (BP)/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) my mother has borderline personality issues too. Probably a little of each of the different types if that is possible?
  8. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Is there any way the school could use the socialization as a reinforcer if she gets her work done?

    Your Mom and ms. Queen sound a bit a like. Good luck with the social skills for both of them. Maybe with ms. Queen role playing would work?

    Hygiene is a big issue for lots of difficult children. I'm surprised the lady didn't act better. She must have come across this issue before.

    You deserve a nice long break. Maybe you could get a short one? Vent away.