It's been awhile-need to vent/worried

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tonime, Aug 9, 2008.

  1. tonime

    tonime toni

    Hi- have not been on this board in a LONG time. difficult child is now 11 going into 5th grade. He has been on foccalin and doing well in school. He was "declassified" this year and is moving on to a 504. However, he is not an easy child to raise. I have been slowly taking him off medications this summer -- he was up to 30 mg of foccalin a day when school ended--now he is on 10 mg.
    I am just upset today-because we had close friends watch him yesterday-overnight-. Our friends have 5 kids ranging from 2-9 years old (no difficult child's). He went there and did ok I guess- but text messaged the 9 year old girl f- u. He wasn't angry- don't have any clue why he did it. We are punishing him for it--I am just so upset and embarrassed. I don't know-it just ALWAYS seems like there is an issue with him. Nothing is easy. I know I am sounding jealous here-but I see my friends with their 5 kids- no issues- kids rolling along, happy, friendly, nice-- and here I am with one ALWAYS having to guide him out of trouble. I know- it is a pity party! I'm just tired.
    I don't know if I am over-reacting to the language thing--if it is just normal 11 year old behavior to experiment with language-- but I am so disappointed in him-because I spoke with him before going there-to be on his best behavior to show that he is mature and to be appropriate.
    I just worry so much about him. I want him to make the right decisions-but it always seems like he makes poor ones.
  2. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I think the language thing is normal preteen stuff, but I hear what you're saying. I don't think my easy child would have texted that to a younger kid, but maybe to his friends. My difficult child on the other hand, I wouldn't put it past him. He doesn't have a filter to tell him who may be OK to do that with and who isn't. If he says it to one person, he'll say it to anyone.

    At 11, I think they both experimented with the language and easy child got over it much more quickly than difficult child. I never hear easy child say a bad word (although he probably does when I'm not around). difficult child on the other hand, I still hear words come out of his mouth but not near as much as just a year ago (when he was 10/11).
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hello - vent away - you can tell us ANYTHING!

    I so understand the jealousy of easy child kids - Why is it ALWAYS MY KIDS who cause disaccord? Why can't there be a visit anywhere without stress? Annoying little things like inability to keep hands off anything or be quiet for 5 seconds for someone else to talk?


    The language thing - I think it is normal for 11 year olds to experiment with bad language, however, if it is not addressed, they will think it is ok to continue. You did the right thing in pointing out that you will not tolerate that.

    Come back - we know where you are coming from.
  4. tonime

    tonime toni

    Thanks so much for your thoughts. This board certainly helps. difficult child is at least contrite over the situation-- I take solice in that. He accepted his consequence without protest- and I can tell he is regretful. I love him so much-- we all love our kids so much-- that is what makes it difficult sometimes- especially this age- where many things are out of our control and in their hands.
    Thanks again.
  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    seems like it was a moment of impulsivity, so long as it was malicious, then just apologize, issue a consequence, and hold your head up, you didn't do it, he did. And if they're true friends they will understand, i am sure their kids aren't as perfect as they seem <<HUGS>>>
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear what you're saying.

    If it makes you feel any better, my easy child daughter was IM-ing a "normal" friend a few yrs ago when they were 12. She was asking me if they could go somewhere and she and I were discussing it b4 she IM'd back. He IM'd, What did she say? and then got impatient and said, "What the F did she say?" and used the word a cpl more times.
    A lot of it is the age.

    But your case sounds like he wasn't replying or responding to anything. Any chance the preceding Text msg got lost?

    Take care.
  7. tonime

    tonime toni

    thanks again- and no I don't think he was being malicious at all- and you are probably correct- moment of impulsivity. I am trying him without medications because I feel it is time- he has been on them since he was 4-- (even summers-no breaks) and I feel like I need to see the "real" him and help him manage himself without the medications if possible. If he ends up needing to go back on them fine- but I want to give it some time since now he is older. I guess I am going to have to learn how to be patient and work with him through this process. Again, it isn't easy--but I do typically try to count all the blessings in my life. You know look at the glass half full- but sometimes it is hard!
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I wouldn't sweat too much about this. Kids learn te most appalling language at school, at a very young age. They don't always learn what it means.
    My tack - I tell them what the words mean, in my efforts to explain why that kind of language is unacceptable, especially from a child (and especially towards a younger child).

    At 11, he should know enough about the facts of life to know what the F word means. Add in the connotations of it being in an implied degrading and coarse way, and I suspect he would be horrified that he made such a suggestion to a 9 year old girl.

    I still seethe when I remember getting a note home from difficult child 3's teacher when he was 9 years old. She said, "He was calling K- some very nasty names. He (difficult child 3) has got to learn that he won't have any friends at all if he calls them things like 'f****t retard".
    difficult child 3 would never have heard such language at all, let alone used as an insult, in our home. But the term, especially the second word "retard", sounded very much like the sort of insults the bullies at difficult child 3's school were throwing around. I strongly suspected (from what I know of difficult child 3 and how he thinks) that he used the term back at the same kid who had used it on him, some time earlier.

    So I would be thinking of the context in which difficult child used the F U message and under what circumstances he might have learned it. Who does he hang out with at school? Is he popular, or a target? Does he cope with bullies, is he a bully himself, or is he a perpetual victim? The answers modify how you respond to this problem.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The language thing is definitely normal for an eleven year old. My twelve year old daughter isn't a terrible offender, but I see some mild swear words on her text messages.
    The thing is, my daughter wouldn't send that sort of message to a younger child. Ever. She knows it's wrong and likes younger kids. Does your son have trouble understanding, for a lack of a better way of putting in, life/society's little rules?
  10. tonime

    tonime toni

    Yes, many times I need to explain what is appropriate and inappropriate- however I don't think he doesn't understand the difference between right and wrong. The more I think about it the more I think he was trying to be "cool" or impress her--also he was being impulsive. I don't think he was being malicious-- for lack of a better word--he was acting stupid!
    Also- right now I am experimenting with taking him off his medications-- he was taking 30 mg of foccalin when school ended , he is now down to 10mg a day. I really want to see if we can help him manage his issues without medications. He has been on them since he was 4--we never even gave him a summer off. The medications changed his life for the better- but I want to give him a chance without them. I know it is going to take patience! We shall see.